Replay is below
What is meaningful self-care for your thriving? Join us for Soulful Self-Care: Balancing Indulgence and Heartfelt Compassion
Let’s delve into the essence of meaningful self-care, strike a balance, and learn the distinction between indulgence and genuine compassion. We’ll embrace the present moment as we explore self-awareness and mindful choices.
Learn to honor your desires while fostering true self-compassion. Together, we’ll practice mindfulness, self-awareness, and nurturing our spirits.
Key Intentions:
Replay is belowNow let’s do some tapping!
Indulgence and Heartfelt Self-Care
Side of the Hand: Even though I sometimes indulge to avoid my feelings, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I struggle to find a balance between indulgence and self-care, I choose to be kind to myself.
"Even though I sometimes feel guilty for indulging, I honor my feelings and seek a healthier balance.
Top of the Head: I blame myself for indulging.
Eyebrow: I feel the urge to indulge, and I want to dive in and I want to be strong at the same time.
Side of the Eye: This indulgence is a way to avoid and maybe change my emotions.
Under the Eye: I recognize this pattern.
Under the Nose: I want to find a balance.
Chin: I honor my need for self-care.
Collarbone: I choose to be compassionate with myself.
Under the Arm: I can care for myself in healthier ways.
Top of the Head: I am finding a balance and distinction between indulgence and true self-care.
Eyebrow: I acknowledge my feelings of guilt.
Side of the Eye: I choose compassion over judgment.
Under the Eye: I am learning new ways to nurture myself.
Under the Nose: I can indulge mindfully without guilt.
Chin: I am worthy of true self-care.
Collarbone Point: I embrace balance in my self-care.
Under the Arm: I am kind to myself.
Top of the Head: Even though finding balance is a journey, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Replay is belowA Real Skills Workshop for: Thriving Lifestyle Design
Recorded: Sun Jun 9 2024
Where: Zoom
Resources and Community Discussion here: Soulful Self-Care: Balancing Indulgence and Heartfelt Compassion
Hosts: Rick Wilkes ~ Thriving Now and Cathy Vartuli ~ The Intimacy Dojo
If you’re new to tapping, we have a free EFT Tapping Course here.
We trust the generosity of those who value freedom and choice. And you don’t HAVE TO pay to attend. Be our guest without apology if that is what is right for you. We have learned not to apologize that our work also requires financial flow in order to continue. So if you can include $+ with your registration, THANK YOU!
Replay is belowAppreciate You! Our inbox is open!
With love,
Cathy & Rick ~ ThrivingNow
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule private sessions here
P.S. Adira says, “When you are feeling tender, pick yourself some flowers…”
Ever been called self-centered? Or selfish? If their criticism keeps you from feeling good about self-care… join us for Soulful Self-Care: Balancing Indulgence and Heartfelt Compassion
Self-care is self-centered.
We’re inviting you to reclaim your healthy right to tend to yourself, to tend to yourself as both an act of self-preservation AND a generous act that helps you sustain yourself and your relationships.
Of course, if you’ve been called self-centered, they probably did not mean it as a compliment.
We do.
Those who center on themselves know what they need. They know what matters to them. Even in heroic times of tending to others, they are intimately aware that if they do not also tend to their own well-being, they get depleted or overwhelmed.
Such self-awareness and self-tending is soulful self-care.
Deprive ourselves of self-love… cut ourselves off from the compassion and consideration and empathy we give to others… and… BOOM! A part of of us screams: IT’S MY TURN!
That’s when self-care shifts to self-indulgence. That can also happen when, to be real, life is too hard and the struggle is so intense that we need a treat. Something special. An indulgence.
We get it. Been there, done that, will likely do it again.
It’s why the real skill includes compassion, too. Balancing self-care with specialness (because we say you ARE special!) that we can feel in our core — that nourishes our soul without guilt or recrimination.
Want to explore this with us? We’re getting together Sunday! Join us to nourish your soul with choices that foster a lasting sense of inner peace and well-being. Everyone gets the recording who signs up.
Replay is belowA Real Skills Workshop for: Thriving Lifestyle Design
Recorded: Sun Jun 9 2024
Where: Zoom
Resources and Community Discussion here: Soulful Self-Care: Balancing Indulgence and Heartfelt Compassion
Hosts: Rick Wilkes ~ Thriving Now and Cathy Vartuli ~ The Intimacy Dojo
If you’re new to tapping, we have a free EFT Tapping Course here.
We trust the generosity of those who value freedom and choice. And you don’t HAVE TO pay to attend. Be our guest without apology if that is what is right for you. We have learned not to apologize that our work also requires financial flow in order to continue. So if you can include $+ with your registration, THANK YOU!
Replay is belowAppreciate You! Our inbox is open!
With love,
Rick & Cathy ~ ThrivingNow
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule private sessions here
P.S. Adira says, “Sometimes you just need to wear a purple helmet when you’re indulging at the chocolate factory…”
We welcome your insights, ah-ha’s, and sharing. Please! Click [Reply]
We can expand our definition of self-care beyond just doing the bare minimum to function. Self-care can include thriving, feeling good in our bodies, and enjoying life’s pleasures that matter to us.
Notice if you have a habit of depriving yourself in certain areas. Where do you always say “I can never…” or “I shouldn’t…”? Question if these limits truly serve you or if they stem from old, unhelpful patterns. Our nature is to enjoy life!
If you find yourself overindulging in one area, compassionately look at your life overall. Are you restricting yourself too much somewhere else? Imbalances often lead to unhealthy excesses. Aim for more balance and enjoyment.
Allow yourself to savor uplifting moments, like noticing a beautiful flower. These simple pleasures are so nourishing. Sharing what you’re savoring with others spreads more joy.
Tune into what truly matters to you and craft a life that nourishes your body, mind, and spirit. What kind of self-care would help you thrive and do what’s meaningful to you? It’s tender and courageous to explore this.
If you feel judged by others for your self-care, remember they are probably operating from a survival mindset. Have compassion for yourself. It’s okay to use “survival language” with them while being clear that your choices are for your well-being.
Making an excuse for self-care is sometimes the best you can do, especially when first building this skill. Do your best and know it won’t be like this forever as you grow stronger in honoring your needs.
If spending money on self-care brings up guilt, ask yourself: would I judge a loved one for wanting this? If not, your guilt may come from old unhelpful messages rather than your current wisdom. Be as generous with yourself as you would with others.
Soulful self-care invites you to tune into what would be truly nourishing and replenishing for you in each moment. This takes practice, but your inner guidance can lead you to what you need, which may be different than what you thought.
You can find more freedom by allowing yourself pleasure without going overboard. Enjoyment in the middle ground between deprivation and excess is so fulfilling.
Have heartfelt compassion for yourself as you learn this new way of caring for yourself. You’re courageous for questioning old patterns and opening to more joy. We’re in this together, gently expanding our capacity for thriving. You’ve got this!
[00:00:00] Soulful self care, balancing indulgence and heartfelt compassion.
[00:00:06] Ah, indulgence, indulging, indulging. I’m Rick from Thriving Now, and I’m here with Cathy Vartuli from the Intimacy Dojo and Thriving Now. And I so appreciate you bringing this up as an exploration for us because I, as I tune into that word indulgence and we’ve been dancing with it, um, there’s a quality to.
[00:00:36] Just how our attitude is around that word can block us from taking care of ourselves and it definitely can block us from peak experiences of thriving and I so appreciate all of you for being here if you’re here live the chat is open if you’re watching the recording Please feel free to post comments and questions to continue the conversation Cathy what is Where would you like to take us with this energy of soulful self care?
[00:01:05] This probably came up for me, just something I was struggling with. And I love to bring that forward because I think talking about these ideas together can give us clarity as opposed to them just kind of being stuck in our system. And one of the things I was noticing is my idea of self care was, um, you If I can get out of bed and force myself to work, I have done enough self care.
[00:01:25] It was kind of like very Spartan, a puritanical version of self care. It was the very minimum to get myself through baseline so I could function. As opposed to, huh, that’s not really what I would do for Adira, or for my cat, or even a, uh, Casual stranger, I would want more than that for them. And I was realizing how, um, in my family, and I think often in our culture, because we’re very, we’re, the United States was founded on puritanical beliefs for a large part, indulgent was, indulgence was viewed as something very decadent and, uh, negative.
[00:02:00] It was something that took away from other people for your own, like for your own enjoyment, as opposed to, uh, I want to self care so I’m not just creeping by through life. I want to self care so I can actually enjoy life. I want to have pleasure in my life. Um, but I was shaving what I was calling. I was so afraid of indulging that I was shaving into my self care and saying, Oh no, I can’t do that.
[00:02:25] That’s indulgent. Um, and so I thought it’d be. And I think it would be really nice to explore that together because I want us all to have freedom to choose what’s right for us, to be able to enjoy life, and to self care more than just like the minimum, like, I want my self care to be more than just, oh, I can barely get through the day, but I made it.
[00:02:44] It’s like, I want to feel good about my life. I want to feel good about how I’m taking care of myself. So that’s why I suggested this topic, because I think I imagine a lot of us are caught in that. Our families often would use indulgence, like I think many families did, or the idea that you’re being, um, permissive or not pushing yourself as a way to kind of balance, especially in families that didn’t have a lot of resources.
[00:03:09] It’s like, oh, if you’re, if you’re going off to take care of yourself, but you’re leaving someone else You know, someone else has to clean the house now or something, or they have to invest more time in something. There was not a choice. It was kind of like, I need you to do this thing because we don’t have enough to get through.
[00:03:24] Um, so it was kind of almost blackmail, like, oh, that’s indulgence. You can’t do that. Um, You used a word there that caught my attention. Yeah. Permissive. Um, and I, it strikes me that the way I was raised, um, parents were not supposed to indulge their children. And I think of myself now as a freedom oriented person.
[00:03:49] There are times when, um, that kicks in. But there’s a quality of generosity in. The energy of indulging someone’s desire to play, or, um, so we made a homemade chocolate cake today, uh, for my daughter’s friend’s birthday party, and she’s there with her hat on, and, um, there’s this chocolate icing, right? And it’s, it also can be used to make little, uh, chocolate, Candies, same kind of icing.
[00:04:29] And, uh, so she was helping mom and, uh, she would put some into the little form to make the chocolate heart. And then she would, uh, take and rubber finger and lick it. Um, and, uh, off of the form, wherever it was on the outside of the heart. And, um, And mom was indulging this. And there was a part of me that was sitting there right in that, Are we going to permit this?
[00:04:59] And unconsciously, there was a part of me that relaxed into, you know, look at her joy and look at our opportunity to really feel and be with this indulgence. This. This doesn’t happen every day. This is a special occasion, not only the birthday, but her making the cake and being a bigger, even bigger part of it as she gets older.
[00:05:28] Um, and, and that’s where, as you and I were preparing, I feel like. Um, as we tune into this, there’s the, the definition and the energy around indulgence that we were raised with, and I think that that often can live in my gut and in the part of my brain about, like, what are you supposed to do? And then there’s, um, the freedom indulgence.
[00:05:56] Which says, this is good, this is pleasurable, this is even a peak experience. Yeah. Uh, I will remember the look on her face and her delight and um, and I, just like I remember the peak experience of licking the batter and the, the things from my childhood, um, But it is an indulgence, right? By a definition, and so if you have things coming up, this is where we, why we get together and treat this as a skill, because one of our theories here, and you can try it on yourself.
[00:06:42] Maybe it doesn’t apply to you. Maybe it does in a bigger way. Um, if, if you avoid being indulgent and particularly if you avoid anyone else. Judging you as being indulgent chances are your range of thriving Is going to be right. Just on the other side of surviving, like Cathy said, you keep bringing down self care to where it’s, well, I take pretty good care of myself.
[00:07:19] Like, um, not bear survival, but just like, you know, I I’m, I’m okay. I’m doing all right. Um, if, if you find that your self care is down in that just above surviving range, and there’s certain feelings that kick in guilt, shame, uncomfortableness. Um, with something that is like, yeah, I’m going to lie in the sunshine.
[00:07:48] I’m going to take my favorite poetry book and I’m going to, uh, sing it to the butterflies today. How indulgent. Um, and that’s something that I believe that we can notice where our, our upper limits are and use tapping to find a, a healthier healthier, meaning you feel more free, you feel more yourself. You feel like the choices that you’re making are not because you’ve been holding down, holding down, holding down from having any pleasure.
[00:08:26] And then, so, you know, you go. You indulge in a way that the downstream effect isn’t actually good for you. Yeah. That would be a sign to me that the kind of sweet indulgences that are peak experiences, little peaks, bigger peaks, but that are in your, in your sweet spot, um, are being suppressed, skipped over, avoided because of some, some emotional feelings of fear.
[00:09:00] Yeah, like when you and I were talking about this call, it’s like, there are people that, I love the analogy of, um, I’ve got this from a book on raising children years ago, when I was trying to reparent myself. But they, they use the analogy, if you have a lane in a road, you want to drive sort of toward, sort of towards the middle of that lane.
[00:09:18] You can steer a little bit back and forth, but you don’t want to be so far off into the, you know, into the shoulder, that your car is kind of bumping on those, on the driving by barrel strips, or hitting the trees there, and you don’t want to be so far into the median that you’re hitting the gravel or the sidewall there.
[00:09:36] Um, and for me, like, self care, We don’t want to be so spartan with our self care that we’re kind of aesthetic where we’re not really giving ourselves what we need. That would be too driving all the way over into the shoulder. And then we don’t want to be so indulgent. We don’t want to be indulging ourselves to the point we’re spending money we need for for rent on gambling or something or things that like Sometimes we will forget the consequences of the moment and dive in so that we’re driving all the way into the median.
[00:10:06] Somewhere in the middle though, I think there’s something beautiful that, um, someone suggested to me. What about enjoyment? Like indulgence kind of has that negative connotation, like we’re giving into ourselves. And self care, it kind of like, I think in our society, it’s like, Oh, if you can get out of bed, you can go to work.
[00:10:25] Like that, self care isn’t like, take, like pampering yourself. It’s very like, how can you get up to functional, and that’s good enough self care, which I don’t think is actually a good definition, but I think it’s what our society often says. How can we find a good median where we’re not trying to avoid enjoyment and occasional indulgence, but we’re still conscious of consequences.
[00:10:50] We’re still mindful and thoughtful about what we’re choosing and we’re not pushing ourselves so hard. We’re actually depleting our lives. So I think there’s something in the middle, and I’m curious, as you’re listening to this, what’s coming up for you? What thoughts do you have? Is there, you know, things coming for you that, um, like you remember as a kid?
[00:11:09] I remember being really not feeling well one day. My mom was sick. And we had just come back from a trip and my dad was having this, I was, I think it was eight. We were carrying our stuff up to our rooms and I was feeling really bad and I lay down on the stairs on the rough carpet and just put my head down.
[00:11:25] And my dad was like, come on, get going. Your mom’s not feeling well. And he was just caught up in life. He didn’t notice that I wasn’t feeling well. I was so in the mindset, Oh, I have to keep going. That was kind of my, like, we worked very hard as kids. It was just, if tired was not an acceptable excuse for anything.
[00:11:42] And I never learned how to regulate myself. Well, that way I don’t notice when I’m tired. It’s still something I’ll call Rick up. Sometimes I’m feeling like, can I just take the day off? Like I have to check in and make sure I’m like, Is this okay for me? Um, so what are you noticing? Is this something that resonates for you or you found challenging as you’ve gone through life?
[00:12:05] Where have you struggled? We’d love to focus there with you. Yeah.
[00:12:14] I’d like to do a tapping, um, at this point as people think about what, whether, and what they might want to share in the chat. Um, the judgments that we have, um, I’ve had directed at us. The judgments we have about ourselves and the judgments we have of others. Um, to me, that’s sort of, uh, an ecosystem around us, um, that blocks what, what you’ve, you called soulful self care.
[00:12:46] Soulful self care is in, to me, and this is kind of my sense of it is, um, tuning in to truly what matters to me here and now for, for my wellbeing, for my survival, of course, for my thriving. For my experience of who I am in all of my range, what is my yes, what is my guidance? Being in that place and giving yourself, um, permission, see that word comes in, um, invitation, acceptance, taking action.
[00:13:29] Uh, that, that to me is, um, a fundamental energy, but there’s a lot of noise around self care and being indulgent and all the other things. Um, we use EFT tapping. We start at the side of the hand. If you’re new to tapping, please feel free to check out our free course at thrivingnow. com slash tapping. We’re not going to be teaching tapping, but you can follow along.
[00:13:58] Um, you’ll notice that we repeat the words as we tap and we’re going to tap on acupuncture points. On the body as well, even though they judged me, even though they judged me, even when I took every time I took time for myself, every time I took time for myself, and I still feel that and I still feel that and it felt horrible and it felt horrible.
[00:14:28] It told me that’s not allowed. It told me that’s not allowed. And here you are asking me to allow myself to have self care. And here you are telling me that I should allow myself to have self care. How ridiculous. How ridiculous. Top of the head. Self care is ridiculous. Self care is ridiculous. Eyebrow.
[00:14:50] Beyond surviving, it’s ridiculous. Yeah, surviving is ridiculous. Side of the eye. I don’t get to take care of myself. I don’t get to take care of myself. Under the eye, not for thriving. Not for thriving. Under the nose, not for enjoyment. Not for enjoyment. I don’t get to spend money on myself. I don’t get to spend money on myself.
[00:15:11] Come on, it’s not really my money. It’s not really my money. Oh,
[00:15:20] Yeah. Uh, they really judge me anytime I took care of myself. They really judge me anytime I took care of myself and that hurt and that hurt top of the head. So I judge myself. So I judge myself. I brow, I don’t get to do that. I don’t get to do that. Be I That would be wrong. That would be wrong. Be I That would be selfish.
[00:15:48] That would be selfish. That would be self-centered. That would be self-centered chin. And I’m not that type of person and I’m not that type of person. Hold on. I’m not self centered. I’m not self centered. And I refuse to be. And I refuse to be. Even if it kills me. Even if it kills me. Even if it sucks all the joy out of my life.
[00:16:13] Even if it sucks all the joy out of my life. It will never call me indulgent. It will never call me indulgent.
[00:16:25] I’m going to take a pause there. Um. What do you notice? Well, one of the things that I’ve been noticing and that also brought up is that people often judge each other on, and I judge myself based on outside evaluations that may not have a full picture. So, um, when I first was coming back from the hospital, I needed someone, I was in the hospital in 2016, um, and I was in intensive care.
[00:16:51] So I came home. I needed someone to come to the house and clean the house. I could not. Um, I could barely walk to the front door to open the door. Like it was just exhausting. I’d be out for the rest of the day. Um, but there are people like, Oh, you, you have a housekeeper, like, you know, like you have someone coming to clean your house, like, but you’re home all day.
[00:17:10] And I was like, yeah, be alive again. Um, but it’s easy for us to judge people from the outside and say, Oh, that’s indulgent or that’s like, how can you possibly allow yourself to have that? One of the things my sisters and I like to giggle about. My parents are very strict in some ways and not in others.
[00:17:30] They, they will purchase many, many antiques, but if you go for a dinner, like a lunch or something, they won’t allow themselves to spend 50 cents more for the dinner they actually want. They’re like, you just spent 5, 000 on an antique. Dresser, but you’re not going to spend 50 cents more to get the food you actually want to eat.
[00:17:50] And different people have different values. But to me, I think sometimes when we constrain ourselves in one area, if we don’t give our per self permission to be balanced in one area, it will come out in another area. Like we’ll start seeing overindulgence to make up for the lack of indulgence in one place or the constriction in another place.
[00:18:08] So, but I think it’s, it’s easy to see how we can. When we don’t know all the picture for someone, it’s easy to say, how could they possibly do that? That’s ridiculous. Um, and we don’t really know what their lives are like. Um, and I think that sometimes we’ve been brought up with that. We carry it forward. I still remember when I was, I think it was like 14 and my sister and I were working and we were taught you just work as hard as you can and we would fall asleep before dinner.
[00:18:34] A lot of times we were so tired, but my sister wasn’t working as hard as me that day. And normally we kept up. We both worked hard, but she wasn’t working as hard as me that day. And I was like very judgmental. I felt like she was lazy. I think I told her, I thought she was lazy. Like I was very judgmental and I never even like stopped to say, Hey, are you having a rough day?
[00:18:53] Like that wasn’t in my language, my vocabulary, then we don’t always know what’s going on for other people. And we don’t know what someone shared here that, uh, in the chat that, um, someone is, they’ve been not spending money. Um, For the, for, on furniture, because they’re, we’re focusing on money to, for their health.
[00:19:14] And I think that’s, uh, that’s, I think that’s, I judge it’s a beautiful focus. I would much rather focus on my health and getting furniture, you know, all the furniture, but if you’re not healthy, you can’t enjoy it. Um, but a lot of us were taught we should spend money a certain way, have a certain, uh, keep up with the Joneses or, um, or we shouldn’t spend money on ourselves.
[00:19:35] We shouldn’t spend money on our, our. the intangibles that individual people might, um, not all benefit from. Like if it’s not for the community or the family, that it’s not okay to spend that money. But I think it is, we get to take care of ourselves too. I’d like to do a tapping on, uh, the judgment. We’ve, we’ve had it heaped on us and I think being human, I’ve certainly judged people’s indulgences.
[00:20:02] Um, and as I, As I’ve become aware of that, um, and that’s, I think, where the heartfelt compassion can come in. People judged you for having a housekeeper, um, and even though you needed one for recovery, and they’ll judge people for having a housekeeper, um, when it’s not needed for recovery. Even though that can free up their time and their hardistry to serve in other ways.
[00:20:36] Um, we shortcut our, our judgmental brain is not, when I talk about compassion, it’s taking into consideration that which you probably don’t know. Um, that there may be more to the story. There may be dreams and desires and other things that are a part of their, and even honoring freedom. Um, Right? So, this is, even though I judge them.
[00:21:03] Even though I judge them. As lazy. As lazy. Or spending their money in ways that I never would. Or spending money in ways I never would. And some of that’s true. And some of that’s true. I wouldn’t spend money the same way they do. I wouldn’t spend money the same way they would. I want to come back to myself and what matters to me.
[00:21:27] I want to come back to myself and what matters to me. Because this is about self care. Because this is about self care. Top of the head. And not just for survival. And not just for survival. I bow. But they’ve judged me. But they judged me. They’ve judged me. They’ve judged me. And I’ve judged them. And I’ve judged them.
[00:21:48] Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Judge each other. Judge each other. That lazy bum. That lazy bum. That indulgent rich person. That indulgent rich person. Top of the head. I can’t believe that’s the way they’re spending their money. I can’t believe that’s the way they’re spending their money.
[00:22:12] How indulgent of them. How indulgent of them.
[00:22:19] And feeling that way makes me feel And feeling that way makes me feel
[00:22:27] Ahhhh. And we encourage you, like, if you want to share this, writing this out can help you get more involved in the process, help you kind of drop in more, get more awareness. I notice when I’m judging other people, I’m more cautious about what I allow myself to feel or do. If I feel, I think we’re Um, when I’m feeling very judgmental, I want to not be like them.
[00:22:47] I’m pushing away and othering them. So I don’t want to be like that. And so I’m even more frugal on what I allow myself to enjoy or like more critical of my choices versus. Oh, it’s their life. I think that Rick is often caused, called, um, some marriages cage fighting where people are like just trapped and they’re just going to stay in that cage.
[00:23:08] They can’t, they don’t allow themselves to change anything. They’re just going to fight in that cage. And I honestly think some families are like that. If we have a lot of trauma or not a lot of resources, a lot of stress. The family becomes this like closed environment where it’s like, Oh, if you get that last cupcake, I don’t get the cupcake.
[00:23:26] If you sit on the couch, I’ve got to do more work as opposed to, Oh, what do we each need? What’s good for us in the moment? What’s good for the ecosystem? It’s like, I’m going to try to pull this away from you. So I get a little bit more. There’s not enough. We fight over it. So I think that. That doesn’t create a place where people can thrive.
[00:23:46] I don’t think people can thrive in that environment or that with that mindset. It’s not that we need a lot of resources to be able to thrive, but we do need to have some minimum. We need to feel like we’re, we’re safe enough to allow us to be generous with each other and to share. So, um, when people are really depleted, that’s a very, very hard.
[00:24:06] Um, yeah, chicken cage fighting. Yes.
[00:24:12] So someone said, this is, this is not straightforward process. Um, I, I, I believe that what we’re doing here in this skill workshop, real skills workshop is to say, you know, there was, there were ways that humans learned as animals, we learn to adapt and control each other for the survival. Of our ourselves and our families and our tribe and that those things exist very strongly in our psyche and our primitive brain for sure.
[00:24:55] All right. What about for thriving? Um, and I think that one of the things I notice is that there’s a rise in, uh, the term that people use is degeneracy. Um, it may not be particularly pleasurable to the person. Uh, I’ll give you an example. Someone spends a lot of money, they go to Las Vegas, but you go and you walk through a casino.
[00:25:25] You do not see a bunch of happy people. Right. Um, energetically, having been to Las Vegas, uh, a number of times in my life for conferences and things like that. Um, I, you have people that are speaking. Indulging in an activity that is actually using resource. But overall it’s, it’s extremely rare to find someone who is actually radiating something that you would call enjoyment.
[00:26:01] Um, it’s possible. Um, there can be peak experiences of winning and then whatever. Um, I, I, I believe that for thriving. The, the non straight forward says, Oh, goodie to me. I’m curious for me, how can I free up this sense of like, is self care a good thing? Well, there’s an edge to it. Like there’s an edge for me where self care turns into something where I really like.
[00:26:36] I don’t, so as I think about like, Oh, I’m tending to myself, I’m tending to myself, I’m tending to myself. There is a place where I’m actually not tending to what matters to me, the we spaces that I’m also a part of. I, I do care about my, my energy, my, my vitality, but I also care about, um, the space I live in and I care about the people, uh, that are dear to me.
[00:27:02] And there is a place where self care becomes so predominant that there’s no we space tending. I, that’s a kind of survival mode that people can get into. And I’ve noticed for those that are really have, um, They must tend to their self care, or they will die. Like, they’re really on the edge of survival. Um, one of the interesting things is, um, I’ve seen people show up in our circle, for example, um, and just by being present with other people and being a part of holding the space, It, it balances out self care on the very personal level that there’s a, Oh, you mean that there’s a little room for me for an hour a month, even to be present for myself and for others.
[00:27:56] I’m a, I’m a self in a wee space. Oh, good. Yeah. And it benefits the group. And when we’re exploring like where does self care turn into something that isn’t, it’s out of balance for you. Um, and it goes both ways. There’s the, I am really not caring about anyone else. And then there’s that part of it, which is, I, I’m not brushing my teeth except for like once a month, I probably, you know, I’m, I’m so busy making food for everyone else, I forget to wipe myself when I go to the bathroom, like, you know, there, I’m using really intense imagery, but there are people on the planet right now that that that’s kind of where they are on the spectrum.
[00:28:49] In thriving, there’s, there’s a movement like, Oh, my body’s needing more tending. I’m tending to myself. I’m tending to my survival. I’m tending to giving myself a little bit of enjoyment. Oh, the yeah, I’m okay. I’m strong. I’m capable. I can, I can shift it back a bit. Um, that dynamic balance changes for me every day.
[00:29:13] Um, and indulgence, you know, if, if I’m craving a peak experience, that’s the best way for it to run away from me. Um, and there’s this place where if I’m okay with having something that really is amazing, the slice of cake is going to feel like something I can really drop into. And be worth. It’s like, Mm, I, you know, I made this, I purchased this for me.
[00:29:49] I appreciate the resource. I appreciate the smell and the taste. And you both have some anticipation and some, some deep presence with what happens and you have savoring on the other side. Not all indulgence has to be according to that, but it’s, I’m offering that as, um, you know. I remember when I was really sick, I bought a boat.
[00:30:18] It was great for about 30 minutes. And then there was something not right with it. And it’s really didn’t give me the same level of pleasure that, uh, even just. seeing a boat could give me, uh, today, if I’m present and really enjoying myself. Does that make sense? Yeah. I think it’s, I think it’s really important too, because when we don’t allow ourselves to enjoy life, we tend to want it.
[00:30:50] We tend to indulge more, I think. So like if I am eating a piece of cake and I’m not allowing myself to enjoy it, I probably still craving that whatever I would have gotten from that enjoyment. So I’m probably going to eat more cake or I’m going to let it go. It’s gonna squeeze out some other way than I’m gonna, I’m gonna buy a boat.
[00:31:07] Um, and so I think, can we just tap on letting ourselves enjoy things? So I invite you to just take a nice, gentle breath. Realize that for some of you this could stir up a lot. We may have some trauma or really held beliefs about this. So just be gentle with yourself and just, you know, let yourself notice what comes up.
[00:31:27] But there’s nothing wrong with whatever thought that comes up with this. Whatever is, is there. Karate chop. Even though I learned not to enjoy certain things. Even though I learned not to deeply enjoy certain things. I didn’t deserve them. I didn’t deserve them. I shouldn’t have them. I shouldn’t have them.
[00:31:49] So I deprived myself of the experience. I deprived myself of the experience. Even though I took some of the actions. Even though I took some, that’s a good point. Even though I took some of the actions, I deprived myself of the experience. Top of the head. I ate the cake. I ate the cake. Eyebrow, but I felt horribly guilty the whole time.
[00:32:16] I felt horribly guilty the whole time. So out of the eye, and I didn’t really let my body notice how good it felt. And I didn’t let my body notice how good it felt. Under the eye, I didn’t let myself enjoy the taste. I didn’t let myself enjoy the taste. Under the nose, that’ll teach me. That’ll teach me. No, it took a long time to teach me.
[00:32:42] Didn’t teach me anything. It didn’t teach me anything. Collarbone, I just wanted more cake. I just wanted more cake. Under the arm, because I hadn’t enjoyed the cake I already had. Because I hadn’t enjoyed the cake I already had. Top of the head, I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was doing the right thing.
[00:33:02] Under the eye, I thought that’s what they wanted me to do. I thought that’s what they wanted me to do. Side of the eye, yeah. I thought it was the ethical thing to do. I thought it was the ethical thing to do. Under the eye, but whose ethics was it? But whose ethics was it? Under the nose, and who did it really serve?
[00:33:26] And who did it really serve? Said no one else got to eat the cake. No one else got to eat the cake. Collarbone, I missed an opportunity to enjoy life. I missed an opportunity to enjoy life. Under the arm, I missed an opportunity to nourish myself with pleasure. I missed an opportunity to nourish myself with pleasure.
[00:33:49] Top of the head, and I wonder if I could do it differently in the future. And I wonder if I could do it differently in the future. I’m, I’m imagining I could. Just take a gentle breath. It’s not about beating yourself up for the zillions of times many of us have done this kind of thing. It’s just a, oh, it didn’t really, like for me, it was an aha, like, Me beating myself up and not enjoying it doesn’t actually give that experience to someone else.
[00:34:18] It just deprives me of it. It uses resources for that and that I could have had for enjoyment in a way that’s just a way to punish myself. And that’s not self care. That’s not actually even ethical, I think. It’s just something we were kind of taught to do. If we didn’t enjoy it too much, then it wasn’t so bad that we had the cake.
[00:34:38] Well, Why? Who said?
[00:34:46] Um, I think that we will learn, since people are talking about having to learn self care, I think part of that is, again, I used to think self care was bringing myself up to functional. If I was at, it was like, um, when I went through a really depressed time, it was like, okay, I’m like getting through the day, I’m not really enjoying it, but that’s, I did enough self care to get up so I could function through the day.
[00:35:09] Well, who said that was the upper limit for that? Like, it was something I decided. I probably had lots of experiences where people kind of like, oh, you shouldn’t, you know, you can’t spoil yourself by needing more than that. But I really want to take, have self care so my body feels delighted to be around.
[00:35:25] Like, it’s enjoying life. It’s enjoying taking that walk or enjoying things. So, um, I’m just, you know, where, where, how do we define where the limit, the definition is between self care and enjoyment or self care and indulgence? How do we know what that is? And do we really need to be so strict about making sure we never step over the line to indulgence?
[00:35:53] You make a powerful point and, and that’s Where you can, you can see that someone said, nourish myself with pleasure. Never thought of those words or that it was allowable. Um, such compassion for, for anyone who was raised with that. And it’s many of us. And so there’s a.
[00:36:29] Self care has never been my favorite term. Um, and like, I, I don’t know why, probably because it’s got so much noise around it. Like go to the spa and put cucumbers on your eyeballs. Um, the, uh, but there’s some energies of
[00:36:59] the things that matter to me, take a certain amount of vitality, not just survival. I can’t show up and be in this kind of engagement around vulnerable emotional things with a group of people if I don’t have a certain level of physical vitality and emotional resiliency and a lot of the other skills that we touch on in these workshops.
[00:37:24] I just, I couldn’t do it. There was a big swath of my life where I could work at a computer and do great coding that served at times, you know, millions of people, but doing that type of work just required 24 Coca Cola’s a day. That was kind of killing me, but you know, it didn’t actually require, um, the things that I need now.
[00:37:50] And so if we’re stewarding ourselves for what matters to us, call it soulful, call it what matters to you. What is your hardest street? What is it that If, if you take a look at, um, someone and you treat them like, uh, a really precious being who has these gifts and these capacities to do things with their body, mind, and spirit, what kind of life would you craft?
[00:38:24] With their co create with them to make sure that they had the energy, not guaranteed life’s uncertain soul food. Thank you. Um, what would nourish them so that they would have access to the resource and the replenishment to allow them to do the things that, that matter to them. See I believe that if you’re writing in your journal and that’s an act of vulnerable expression, you’re changing the world.
[00:38:54] Okay. It may look like you’re just in your own self, but I know that if we’re in a world where people journal, and that’s a thing, and that’s an energy field, more people are then free to process in their journal, rather than defecate on their family members, their emotional shit, right? So like That’s a thing.
[00:39:21] I appreciate you. I would buy you a journal, indulge you with something that really like, Hey, look at this, it’s my color and it’s. It’s the paper, I like lined paper in my journal, or I don’t like lined paper in my journal, I like to have a purple pen, or no, my color pen is this, you know, like, is that indulgent to get yourself a really nice pen?
[00:39:45] Yes, I’ve had people argue with me that that, you know, no, no, no, I can’t do that. And that’s for in our work. That’s useful to know that you know you’re blocked from either. And if that was uncomfortable to you to think about getting yourself a notebook that really calls to you that can hold what what matters to you, that’s that’s useful for you.
[00:40:11] That’s useful for you. It’s useful for us as a community. If we tap on it, um, I want to be. I want to be free to know what’s nourishing to me, replenishing to me, Do you see? I want, I want that clarity and the freedom to find options that work for where I am and especially who I am.
[00:40:39] What would work for me for who I am and where I am?
[00:40:48] So I, I, a big part of my life, I’ve had a hot tub. Talk about an indulgence. It’s like 30, these days it’s probably 30, 50 a month where I live to just put the electricity in it. I don’t have one. I rent. Um, And it hasn’t been a yes for me to get a hot tub and tend to it. There’s an indulgence though, about getting naked and getting in a hot tub, especially outside.
[00:41:13] And I, I miss that. So where I am here, it’s like, Oh, I could either try to indulge myself and go get a hot tub. Like I could, you know, it’s not like I couldn’t some, there’ve been times in my life where I couldn’t. But I believe that if I’m in my soulful self care, it’s like, okay, what is my yes? Well, I have a bathtub, but rarely is that the yes.
[00:41:50] And when I really tune into my soulful self care, it’s like, actually just stand in the shower. And put earplugs in so that you hear the rain washing your brain. It’s a very, quite a sensation. You have earplugs in and the showers on your head. It’s really different. And so I believe that for thriving, there is often something that, um, you may be dancing with this, it’s something that would feel too indulgent.
[00:42:35] And explore emotional freedom says to me, I am willing to let my, my soul guidance, what would give me the gist of it, the enjoyment of it, the renewal and refreshment of it, the reminder that life is good and that, um,
[00:42:59] that often takes out, I’ll just be real. It often takes, um, some tapping and some journaling and some meditating for me to get there where I have that. if it comes up. Um, and the universe has a way of, if you drop in deep enough to give you the thing that is actually what is your nourishment. Um, Yeah. And I’m curious, like if you want to tune in, we all have places where we allow more indulgence or more self care than others.
[00:43:36] Um, whether it’s food that might be comforting or nourishing, or just kind of like, Sometimes I just want some comfort food. Or is it like, I used to never allow myself to just really enjoy sleeping in. And I’ve gotten so much better lately. I’m just like, no, this is my time. I don’t have anything I need to do, even though I should be busy in my mind.
[00:43:57] I’m like, no, this is my time. Time to just, and I’ve been really letting myself notice how the blankets feel soft and the sheets feel soft and I can hear the birds outside. Like, and it, it took some effort, like I had to build up the muscles to allow that and to kind of quiet the, Oh, come on, you should be taking out the trash and doing the dishes and like, I have plenty of all day, like I’m trying to not book myself silly and I’m like, I have plenty of time to do those things.
[00:44:22] things. I want to just spend an extra 10 minutes just enjoying my body being relaxed and having a space to tell. But that that was something I had to grow into. Um, for some of us, it might be a learning. Like, what are we allowing ourselves to learn? Or how are we? Are we focusing on finding times to spend with friends?
[00:44:42] Or there’s lots of different needs we have that self care Especially if we’re going above the bare minimum we need to function. If we’re going above the gas tank running on empty and we can still get there, like what would make our lives just that much better? And where are we, sometimes we get so in the habit, that fish and water kind of feeling, we’re not even noticing where we’re depriving ourselves.
[00:45:04] Like just, I always deprive myself there. I never, Would spend money on that. Or I would never spend time on that. And like, why? Like we have to notice it before we can change it. We have to become aware of it before there’s anything we can do about it. So for many of us, it becomes almost subconsciously we’re depriving ourselves of that.
[00:45:24] So I noticed that when you were sharing about the shower, cause I was always taught you’ve taken, we had five of us, one bathroom. So everyone had to hurry. Um, never took a shower that was more than like five minutes long. It’s like, Oh, I think that would be lovely just to stand under the shower and just enjoy it.
[00:45:39] Like. I think I might, I live alone. I have two bathrooms. I can definitely do that. No one’s waiting for me.
[00:45:48] Yeah, you, this is an interesting doorway that you opened. Um, I would never spend money on that. Now there are obvious ones, like there’s, There’s no you if you see me buying Lamborghinis, you know, I’ve been replaced by an alien. Okay, you just,
[00:46:09] um,
[00:46:13] but you do like there’s something you keep, but it’s like, it’s matter of fact, to me, I don’t spend a lot of time having to resist, or, like, I notice them and it’s like, oh, you know, it,
[00:46:28] if there’s something that keeps coming at you, gets your gall that people spend money on. on it. Sometimes that’s a clue. It’s not a clue necessarily for you to spend money on it, but there can be a clue.
[00:46:53] So, um, yeah, this is, this is the advantage that empathetic people, I believe, have in these circumstances is that we can tune into if what is the, what is the essential experience of that, right? What is the, what, I’m rejecting its expression. Maybe that’s not for me, but why do I keep getting it? I wonder why I keep getting attracted to it.
[00:47:28] Is there something in that, that, um, I actually am craving, wanting, desiring, dreaming that is actually would be nourishing for me. Um,
[00:47:53] I, it can be, um, really weird stuff. Um,
[00:48:11] I had, I had somebody that was, would have out in the third time that they brought up how ridiculous it was, how much money people were spending on weddings. I ask, okay, what is it that’s, is there anything at all attractive about that experience? And the tears start going, and it was like, I miss celebrating.
[00:48:42] Hadn’t had a birthday party. Hadn’t gone to anything for a long time and just missed celebrating, but it definitely was wrong, the idea of spending a quarter million dollars on a. You know, on a, on a birthday, on a wedding bash, right? But there was something in it. And it’s, it’s sort of a tender recognition that, um, often what we’re judging, there is an essential, we don’t want to go there necessarily.
[00:49:17] We want something in it. And that’s where using your empathy to feel like, okay, what is it that people get from that? And it can be like, you know, um, when it comes to the Lambo owners, um, my empathy sometimes says it’s status. And sometimes it’s like, They love the way that particular vehicle is engineered.
[00:49:49] It’s like, this was made for me. The vibration of the engine, the fit of the seat, the smell of the letter, leather, the now kind of like the idea of someday having a vehicle that I sit in and it’s like. This is made for me. I remember it in 19, 19, 1982 Honda Accord hatchback. When I sat in it, just the feel of it was, ah, it’s like, this was made for me.
[00:50:24] Right now, if I’m busy objecting to people spending their money this way. I’m missing an essential something like, Oh, I like things that are crafted for me. Where would I like that? Well, I’d actually like it with clothes. I’d love it with an office chair. You know, I use an office chair, like, I haven’t thought about that before, but that’s actually, um, it may be an indulgence.
[00:50:51] I’m going to tap on this one because. The one that’s made for me might be more than 89 from Staples, which I’ve patched up and have a backrest behind because I haven’t yet sat in the one that’s made for me for a long time. The last one that I felt that was, uh, um, a Herman Miller, I think. Um, I remember what it costs, but it was, it was made for me.
[00:51:18] I, Probably spent 6, 000 hours in it. Do you see where this can lead? And I think that’s where the skill says, Oh, goody, I’ve got this block or I’ve got this repulsion. I’ve got this limit, this upper limit. I don’t have to blow it off and give it up. But where does it lead me when I, you know, consciously say, and what, what would I like more of?
[00:51:46] Oh, that dark chocolate is such an indulgence and I haven’t been eating it because my health matters to me. Okay. Well, I’m indulging my health. Good. And I wonder what else, I wonder what else could give me that, that sense. If it’s not dark chocolate anymore, what, what might it be? A poet, poem by Hafiz, you know?
[00:52:16] But I need to be under a tree and I need to be smelling a flower.
[00:52:25] I think one of the signals I have that there’s a rule like that is if it’s always never always like there’s I mean like I can never ever have dark chocolate again well if I’m allergic to it sure I shouldn’t have it but if like a small piece of dark chocolate every once in a while is probably not the end of the world.
[00:52:42] Like I can still invest in my health and have a like, or I can, if I’m really invested in getting up early to work out and I’m not feeling well, okay, this morning I might choose. It’s a conscious, the difference is it’s conscious choice evaluating, not just this narrow thing where I’m starving for something, but like the overall view of my life.
[00:53:03] If I’m starving for something, our survival brain is just going to be really activated. So if I’m really lonely or feeling really low status, or I’m feeling really physically hungry or thirsty, I’m not going to make the best decision. I’m going to focus on, my survival brain is going to be just narrowly focused on meeting that need.
[00:53:22] As we self care a little more and start getting more balanced, it’s easier to say, Oh, I would love that office chair, but it’s more important for me to have this experience with Adira. So I’m going to choose to not have this office chair. I’ll keep an eye on it. Maybe it will go on sale sometime, but my, my value is more than I would fly rather fly out to see Adira than to buy this office chair.
[00:53:42] So, you know, we get, we get a better picture and I think we balance our lives better. We’re not blowing the budget to get this thing that we, that our survival brain was like, I have to have something now cause I haven’t had it forever. So I think actually when we self care more. We make better decisions about life in general.
[00:54:01] At that point, we’re going to take a seven minute break. We’ll be back at one past hour. We’d love to hear where you’re stuck on different things. Where you’d like us to lead now as we go forward. And if you’re on the replay, again, thank you for being with us. We appreciate you being a member of our community and caring about these real skills.
[00:54:22] We know that everyone who is looking at this with a fresh lenses and fresh attitude, uh, changes it for others as well. I’m going to pause the recording.
[00:54:37] There’s a, we did a workshop on sacred decisions. And I think that, um, for example, if I’m going to the grocery store, I know it is almost impossible for me to get clarity about, um, what would be right for me to indulge in. In a grocery store, the lighting, the energy, the way that it’s marketed and everything else.
[00:55:06] And so if I’m going to go and get something, I want to make the decision away from the place where I’m a susceptible, if that makes sense. And so like, it’s true, I have a boundary that if I’m in the grocery store to buy my list, that’s what I’m buying. And it’s, it’s self care to me to say, I go to hunt my list.
[00:55:31] Um, and that does not stop me from going and getting a, a pint of ice cream. Okay. But it’s not an, it’s, that’s a sacred indulgence in the sense that I’ve tuned in, my body says, yes, I check. I know ice cream, right? Which is my primary, which is my fallback. And then I go and hunt it. Get it and check out.
[00:56:05] Yeah, and it feels completely different than if I’m depleted by the lighting in the angles and I I’m, I’m going past the frozen and there’s the words ice cream and it goes ancestrally back I think that my ancestors were the ones that That like really got in Nordic, you know, Hey, it’s a long winter.
[00:56:32] Let’s let’s make some tasty. Right. And, um, If I, in my life, as I look at, if I buy in that context, um, even when I eat it later that day or the evening or over the course of the following days, um, it doesn’t, I haven’t, I haven’t put it in the right energetic context. Now, some people, spontaneity, impulsivity is actually a pleasure.
[00:57:06] It’s like, Ooh, and they get really good clarity. Like there’s a certain way that they go, Ooh, that’s what I want to do, or that’s what I want to have. And that, you know, uh, that’s not, that’s not true for me. I just bought a replacement sofa after 17 years, right? And. You could look at it and say, ah, I just indulged in buying a sofa.
[00:57:34] Here’s the thing. I wasn’t out looking for a sofa, but I was following my guidance. It was like, turn here, go here, go here for dinner. I was alone. I was just following yes to yes to yes to yes. And there was this nudge, go, go to that place. Go to that place. Okay, they’re closed. Yeah, but look, now that you’re in this strip, you can go to that place.
[00:58:01] And I drove down, oh, they’re probably closed too. Nope, they were open one more hour. I walk in and the salesman, um, said, Can I help you find what’s looking, what you’re looking for? And I did what I always did. I kind of, yeah, I’m just looking. Can I focus you in on something? Uh where they are in the store and for some reason my guidance was Listen to this guy and it was the best sales experience of my Life and I even facetimed with jem Who was up in alaska?
[00:58:33] Um, the sale was lasting another hour You contributed 25 to St. Joseph’s, which is my mother’s charity. Um, uh, one that she really resonates with. And I, and you get 25 percent off. It’s the lowest price of the year at one hour left. And it was extremely comfortable. It’s the place I spend the most time doing the work for, um, us and tending to the kids at the same time.
[00:59:08] And so, like, there’s, there’s a part of me that says, well, that, and I, I did, I came home and I was like, a part of me is uncomfortable. A part of me is uncomfortable here. And the soulful self care was, I’ve never gone from yes to yes to yes with that feeling from my, the synchronicity with my guides and it ever having been a disaster.
[00:59:39] Never. In, in the time that I’ve, it, it, it’s that guidance that led me to healing. It’s that guidance that led me to love. There’s that guidance that led me to so many things that I enjoy. And, um, the compassion for the part of me that’s like, yeah, I have set up a resistance to spending money, which is good and healthy for a long term view.
[01:00:06] Impulsive spending of money is something that runs in my lineage. Um, and so I have this, like, If I’m going to spend money, it needs to be in a particular tone
[01:00:28] and then indulging that feels like right now I’m so looking forward to its arrival. You know, it arrives on the first day of summer. Um, the kids get to inherit the current sofa, which is ready for like a year or two of kids just jumping on. Like it wants to spend its last. It’s last springs on being indulged upon by children, you know, like, um, I think that that’s what’s going to happen.
[01:01:06] Um, and, and that’s their skill in, in discerning, which is another concept for thriving, discerning. What’s my flow here? Am I, am I desperate for something? That’s usually a time for me to take a pause. Um, is there a sense of unfolding, of rightness? Um, someone mentioned about, like, not indulging at the grocery store, no chocolate in the house, now that we’ve been talking about it a lot.
[01:01:45] Um, right? And, um, right? You know, for me, and I’m going to speak to me, if I, if I start getting, uh, an aliveness again around something, it’s like, Oh, you know, I remember the time
[01:02:04] there was that dance and it was just the sweetest couple. And they, They made their own chocolate, and uh, I was, I was really hungry, and really, I spent five dollars on this little tiny, and I sat down in the chair and they poured me some tea, um, or actually it was probably cacao, yeah, it was, um, and, I just nibbled on that chocolate.
[01:02:43] So good.
[01:02:50] And if you don’t feel like you could spend the money, um, that may be true. I understand that people are in a place sometimes where, uh, that’s not. And I, I offered that recollection that there have been times when spending the money on something was definitely not yet right. Even if it was a dollar or 5, it just wasn’t my yes.
[01:03:17] That, that energy, that resource needed to go in other directions. Um, and, uh, even a year ago, spending the money on the sofa would not have been. A yes, uh, for me. And so, and a sofa is a big, it’s a lot of chocolate bars. It’s tender to know that in our community, um, a dollar can be a big choice and soulful self care can be like, you know, it’s not my yes.
[01:03:49] And I appreciate that that’s my guidance or, you know, I feel fear coming up. And is that true? Is it true that I don’t have the 4. 27 for that particular chocolate bar that has, you know, it feels like it was made for me. Man, I don’t have to spend the money and I don’t want to feel like I’m bad or weak or, or, um, Anything other than clear that I choose not to spend the money on it But if i’m holding myself back when I actually do have the money then it’s really my choice It is my choice of how I want to use, mindfully use my resource.
[01:04:33] I am taking care of myself and I like that about me and I’m, I’m balancing indulgence and the compassion that this, yeah, this isn’t my yes right now.
[01:04:50] Yeah, I think, yeah, the one, one of the things I’ve been really enjoying is, I’ve used this before when we’ve talked about self care, but, um, I find it’s still useful. If I’m saying, no, I can’t have something. And I noticed like, there’s like a, I’m learning to notice the feeling of like a forlornness a little bit, like, oh, I really wanted that.
[01:05:09] I’m trying to pay attention to that rather than just associate shame with wanting something. But, um, if I look at it and I say, if my niece wanted this. Or my, my dear sister or a good friend wanted this. When I tell them it was ridiculous to have it. Cause I often like that’s ridiculous. You’re being selfish again.
[01:05:28] Okay. Here are the voices. Don’t have to listen to them necessarily, but especially if there’s a lot of criticism, that doesn’t mean I’m making a conscious, mindful thought choice. Sometimes it’s often I’m reacting to old lessons I’ve learned. So I’m trying to pay more attention to the tone. Um, in my head.
[01:05:45] Like, a calm like, oh that would be lovely and it’s probably not the best choice based on these things. Um, probably a good decision to pay attention to. But someone’s, if the voices are like, you’re so selfish, you just want everything, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Probably it’s something I learned very long ago and I’m not making a conscious, mindful decision now.
[01:06:03] Like Rick was talking about. Um, and in one way, because I tend to not want to give myself things, I ask, if I was, if my niece or my sister or a good friend said, I would love to do this, but I can’t, I’d be like, that’s kind of, like, I might be like, why not? Like, you know, it gives me a contrast and puts it outside of myself and lets me make better decisions.
[01:06:26] If I would think that it was perfectly reasonable for them to get it, But not me, then it’s probably an old pattern that maybe I can start crunching away at a little bit, as opposed to just kind of going, of course, it’s right. Of course, these critical voices are correct.
[01:06:46] Someone shared in the chat, I set a self care boundary with my family and they attacked in full force. on gang mode. I stood up for myself, but the beatdown infiltrated and deeply hurts my heart. Uh, the awareness I started with of knowing my boundary was totally healthy and with supportive offerings, it went to another voice agreeing with them how awful I am.
[01:07:10] Now
[01:07:14] we’re human and in human history, there are today, there are tribes that exist in our, on our planet today that if you go And you are a successful fisher person, and you catch two fish, and your body says, you know, I need protein to take care of my body. So that I can continue to fish for me and my tribe and you eat those two fish and anyone finds out about it, they will beat you maybe even to death.
[01:08:04] If you’re a hunter and you go out and you get a moose and you keep that moose meat all for yourself, you could find yourself outcast. Deprived of any care whatsoever in our survival, in our survival rules, and for families that are on the edge of survival, many of them are operating from that kind of crude, unevolved, you said, I’m not fully evolved and out of that family dynamic, you’re right, you, you’ve evolved, but you’re in a family dynamic, which is operating from that kind of Of, um, your energy, your life is ours, ours.
[01:08:57] And we will use our energy to control you, take whatever we need from you. And that’s a, it’s a really harsh place to be. I, the compassion that I feel is I at least got my clarity and I put it out there and I defended myself and that, and that tribal part of me is speaking up to try to. Get me to go back, go back 10, 000 years to be a good family member 10, 000 years ago by those rules.
[01:09:45] And I’m still figuring out what to do with that.
[01:09:53] And I want to have compassion for myself.
[01:10:03] There are, there are many, many groups of people.
[01:10:08] Cathy shared stories from her lifetime. So we’re, um, I, and I know stories from now where parents will, You know, you’re not dead, go to school. Yeah, you’re not bleeding, you’re throwing up, get out of the door. Right, um, and they often treat themselves the same way. My fever’s only 102, I have to go to work, right?
[01:10:36] I’m not in the emergency room. Yeah, what’s my problem? What’s my problem? It’s, it’s hard to know that that is, um,
[01:10:49] that’s something we’re going to run into. Sometimes with people that, um, close to us. Maybe under the same house. Maybe they live next door. Maybe they, um, work with us.
[01:11:07] We had a real skill, uh, the exploration of right distance, right depth. Um, with some people you have to speak in survival language. I don’t have the energy for that. It’ll, I, I, I can’t do that. Uh, to, to do that would harm myself. If I do that now, I won’t be able to get up tomorrow. Whether that’s true or not, it’s still a language of survival.
[01:11:35] If that type of excuse, uh, um, I called it excuse making, but I realized that I used to accent, if it wasn’t right for me to go to school for all kinds of different self care reasons. I would make myself sick enough in my mother’s, in the words I said in the month, look on my face and things like that.
[01:11:59] This is not a great longterm strategy because, um, at some point when you embody being too sick to do something, guess what? It can get really, it got really sticky for me. Like I got, I became actually too sick to do, um, to do my life. Um, but if that’s still sticking around, you can. Say like, you know, they don’t understand the language of thriving.
[01:12:26] So it’s okay for me to use the language of surviving with them. But I’m clear, this is for my wellbeing. This is for my soul care and I have compassion that they, for myself, that they don’t get it. And, um, I’ll do the best I can to protect myself
[01:12:49] and I may have to cope.
[01:12:54] That’s okay too, because it’s not forever. Sometimes just saying to yourself while tapping and it’s not forever, um, can give you a sense of you’re still working to evolve out of a situation, which right now is, is there’s not the exit that you can take. I think sometimes it’s hard to, especially if we’re just starting to do self care, say no, this isn’t right for me.
[01:13:21] It’s very hard. It’s like, it’s like doing bicep curls with a hundred pound weight. It’s like making an excuse is sometimes the best we can do. Especially if we’re aware we’re making an excuse. Like, uh, when we, There are, I’ve seen it, I’ve noticed it, when I couldn’t make an excuse, I couldn’t allow myself.
[01:13:39] There were times I actually got sick from the stress of it, or my, you know, psychosomatically my body’s like, Okay, this is the only way to escape this horrible situation, and push me into illness. Um, but I think if we can say, hey, I’m going to make an excuse they can understand, while I practice and build up my muscles to setting more clear boundaries over time.
[01:13:59] They’re, you know, we do the best we can always, let’s just do the best we can. That heartfelt compassion. Anything else that you want to weave in here in our final minutes of this particular workshop? Well, I kind of mentioned it before, but I think if one thing I’ve noticed for myself, and I’m curious what other people notice is if I notice I’m overindulging in one place, and I can’t figure out why, if I kind of step back and look at my overall world, I’m like, I’m pushing myself really hard at work and then I’m coming home and I want to watch TV for a lot of hours.
[01:14:39] Like I’m not even enjoying the show, but I can’t turn it off. It’s maybe I’m like, I’m overindulging in the, in a TV program because I’m not giving myself enough space at work. I’m not like, I need to go to the restroom. I need to leave a little, you know, I need to actually take a lunch today. I need to often when we constrict something one place, it comes out in another place.
[01:14:59] So kind of just like, Okay, um, I’m not figuring out why I really want to watch this TV program for so long. Like, it’s a great, it’s kind of entertaining, but I, you know, I’m not even paying attention to it, but I can’t turn it off. Oh, where, is there someplace else I’m kind of constricting myself? Um, and I just, I’m curious about playing more and I’d love to hear what people think, like can we expand our definition of either I’m doing critical self care that’s going to keep me functional, like bare minimum, or I’m indulging, like you kind of put them right next to each other and there’s no way to separate them, versus I want to expand self care definition to include thriving.
[01:15:37] I want to be able to feel really good in my body. Um, and, maybe I can put enjoyment in between indulgent, if I’m going to use indulgent as like a, I’m doing too much of something, if I do it a lot. I’m like, you know, I can, uh, sometimes indulgent is great, like I’m going to the spa for a day with a friend, and we budgeted for it, and we really want to do that, that’s fun to have indulgent, but It’s not something I would do all the time, but I want to have enjoyment in between those things.
[01:16:04] Can I enjoy the moment to moment things I’m doing? Can I, my body feel good? Can I have done enough self care that I’m not like struggling to get by and can actually enjoy driving to work or enjoy being, you know, laying in bed for a few minutes or enjoy the food I’m eating, whatever that is. I think just if we can relax some of that constriction around that, there’s a lot more room for us to, even with quiet everyday things, can we let the enjoyment in, if I’m washing the dishes, can I be present, like, this is one of the first things I remember Rick talking about when I first, 17 years ago, joined the circle, um, is like, he was talking about mindfully washing the dishes and just noticing how the soap felt and like how nice it was to be able to You know, use clean water to wash something and do a good job on it.
[01:16:52] Um, it was a concept I didn’t have because everything was like, rush, rush, hurry, hurry, you should enjoy it, it wastes time. I like feeling fulfilled when I can do the dishes and feel like, not depleted at the end, just kind of actually, I was with myself and the dishes and now I’m like, I feel fulfilled from the process.
[01:17:11] Um, so I’m curious about exploring this more because I think our society is pretty much pretty tight on the, you know, like just bare minimum on the one side and Oh, anything else is like decadent and probably going to destroy this, this fabric of society.
[01:17:29] We’ve. We, we often explored the emotional range and, um, I, the way that you describe that it, it adds all of these different complexions of emotional experience in between, um, the edges. So, yeah, I want to take care of myself to survive. Yeah, definitely. And then what, what is in this zone? And, um, like thriving can start off with, you know, I’m having a good moment.
[01:18:05] Or, oh, that’s a pretty flower. Um, I really needed a walk early this morning, but I also felt like I was tending to my relationships and my, and myself, what matters to me by sticking around. So I didn’t really get out from my morning mile until it was after noon. Um, and I’m sort of driving and I’m, I’m really like, I’m just got all kinds of energy moving.
[01:18:34] Um, I drove up and pulled off the road and there was this little yellow flower. And I now have in my spectrum of enjoyment. Ooh, I wasn’t expecting that. I wasn’t. I wasn’t expecting that. And that led to, um, walking down the hill and walking onto the path and seeing, um, There was a feeling that these mountain Laurel are my friends.
[01:19:09] We’ve, we’ve seen each other a lot. I appreciate them so deeply. They’re all kind of like, they’re an embodiment of thriving amidst, you know, they’re twisted and their trunks are interesting. And, you know, there was this one magnificent one that let me borrow some energy of strength and rootedness. And I was like, Oh.
[01:19:35] It’s, it’s not this, it’s a different flavor of enjoyment, but it falls into that range of what I call the simple uplifts, the, the settling and strengthening kind of energy, um, and every step that we do to move, um, to create a range, like, yeah, I know that there’s a range out there where I can imagine a version Of, of dysregulated Rick being quite degenerate.
[01:20:09] I can, there’s, there’s drug addiction and alcoholism and, um, buying ISM and, and financial mismanagement in my lineage. And I, it’s not like it’s not in my possibility spectrum. Um, but I don’t want to be so afraid of that, that all this other range of, you know, gosh, It sure is nice. It sure is nice to have, um, a yellow flower pop up out of nowhere, you know, that you weren’t expecting and to allow that to be there.
[01:20:44] And I appreciate all of you giving me a space. It’s, it’s pretty indulgent for me to get to have, um, a group of people I deeply care about join me on a Sunday afternoon. Uh, and, uh, To get an opportunity to engage with you, to feel you, to, to know that we’re in this together, and to indulge in remembering, because I’m savoring that yellow flower, and I’m savoring that, uh, mountain laurel.
[01:21:12] I wish that for us, that we get a chance to have simple uplifts, and then get to savor them. It’s indulgent to savor. You know, hours later, good. I want to live in a world where we can share what we S what we’re savoring, what we want to savor to nudge our buddy and say, Hey, I want to savor an experience I had this afternoon.
[01:21:41] Are you up for that? Yeah. Imagine that. Imagine that you, you, yeah, I want to savor. Uh, my inbox is open. Rick at thriving now. com. Um, if you want to savor, uh, uh, an uplift that you have, I, I love that. Um, and I appreciate all of you and, and Cathy, thank you so much for this topic. , I loved it. Getting to explore it in the comments and thoughts.
[01:22:11] I think it enriches, it’s very enriching to, you know, I just get delighted with that. So maybe it’s indulgent for me too. And I just want to appreciate the courage it takes to look at something that, it does take courage to consider that the path we’ve always followed, that everyone told us was right.
[01:22:27] Maybe it’s not right for us. Maybe there’s something different, but it gives us a freedom and expands our world so much, so much. I’m just really delighted that we can all come together and talk about this.
[01:22:40] Until next time.
Great to have you on this journey with us!