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Scapegoat No More
[00:00:00] Scapegoat No More. This is a real skills workshop and our, our hope and intention is to help support all of us who have been bullied, blamed, told it’s all our fault. It’s always our fault. Who else’s fault could it be? And we internalized it. We were trained in it. We were sometimes targeted by people who picked up certain positive qualities of ours that made us susceptible at various points in our life.
[00:00:40] Um, and I’m here with Cathy Vartuli from Thriving Now. And the Intimacy Dojo, I’m Rick from Thriving Now, and, um, it’s a tender topic, isn’t it? It really is. Um, you know, even if, like, I would imagine most people that are on this call are on the call because you were, you were, someone scapegoated you, but even if you realized you scapegoated other people, that can be very Hard to look at.
[00:01:08] It’s a very, uh, it talks about our status in the world, how we interact with other people, our value in the world. So there’s a really core issue. And I just want to start off by just helping most people that are scapegoated are pretty sensitive, intelligent people. They, it’s not, people don’t displace their emotions often to pee others as easily when there’s not always someone who’s very emotionally.
[00:01:38] Um, it’s just, it’s harder for it to stick. Most people that are scapegoating want to see the other person, they want to see the shame that they would be feeling out there. They want to see the pain or the embarrassment or the discomfort that they would normally feel on someone else. So they’re looking for someone who’s got some range and some sensitivity and some intelligence.
[00:02:02] Because it’s not as Um, easy to displace it. Like if I’m not wanting to feel something, but if I see it well established out there, that person reacting, like I should have, then there’s a sense of, oh, I really got rid of it versus like, if someone’s just like, what are you doing? This is weird. Um, it just wouldn’t stick as well.
[00:02:22] And then I’m stuck with these feelings that I don’t want to have. So if you were someone who was scapegoated, it actually is a sign that you’re probably a pretty.
[00:02:34] Yeah, think about the nature of, you know, a bunch of kids playing and, um, are awkward for a moment and somebody trips over you, right? Um, and they turn around and they blame you. Now, they weren’t looking where they were going, everything else, and you’re, and, and you collapse a bit. Like, oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I feel so bad.
[00:03:05] And whether that’s in the language I just used, or a two year old’s language of just looking distraught, and, and. And, uh, uncomfortable about, um, how we naturally react when someone is in pain. Um, you know, if we’re the type of child, if we can imagine ourselves as the type of child who would see a parent stressed and overwhelmed and frustrated and, you know, we haven’t, we We’re not diaper trained at three days old and they’re tired and they don’t want to change another, um, diaper, right?
[00:03:53] And, and we look at that and we see it and we like, oh dear, this is, what’s going on here? And we add to that nature, like our personality, and I know that, that each of us have a different kind of personality, but there’s, there’s, um, there’s also the primitive brain, the instinctual part of us. And I mentioned that if.
[00:04:27] We know that we’ve been conceived into an environment that is filled with stress. I believe that generosity has a vibe to it. Softness has a vibe to it. But if mom is stressed and sharp and feeling desperate, Right? That desperation also has a vibe to it. That You know, honestly, I can feel my mother’s desperation for support and caring and everything else.
[00:05:05] I, I, it’s not just an imagining that if I, I, I feel myself back inside of the womb, that I can feel that that was my mother’s. Reality and a part of me tuned to being what super helpful. The way is to be super helpful. Super supportive is to take responsibility for everything. How much more supportive can you be?
[00:05:36] Like, Oh, you forgot to eat. Oh my gosh. I can’t believe I didn’t pack you a meal, even though I haven’t seen you in three days. Oh my gosh, the house is a mess. It’s none of my mess, but I didn’t clean it up. There’s a prime directive that responds to kind of the soup, emotional soup, energetic soup. And if you’re born into a neglectful environment, um, taking.
[00:06:03] The blame for, for it in a, in a kind of primal survival way helps us get through. And then to thrive though, there’s a, there’s a breaking free, a recalibration. That doesn’t mean I’m going to flip it on its head and I’m to blame for nothing. I’m responsible for nothing that caring people don’t do that well.
[00:06:40] There’s something else that we’re going to be talking about in the workshop. We’re going to be tapping on it. We’re going to be using some technology. The chat is open for those of you here live. If there’s aspects of it that you want us to touch on or invite us to touch on, we may not, we may not touch on everything.
[00:06:55] Um, we’ve already done some, some, uh, some note taking as well as deeply considering our own lives. This has been a journey for me. Um, if you’ve ever considered yourself a perfectionist, um, Chances are, um, there’s a quality of self scapegoating, because that’s, that’s really the, the master’s degree in scapegoating.
[00:07:22] A yeah. Right, like, you know you’ve arrived when you can scapegoat yourself. You wouldn’t even have to do it, you’re just right there, oh, like you should have. Oh, yeah, no, I’ve got you. I know exactly how to scapegoat me about this situation, but before you even open your mouth, I’m already, I’m already there.
[00:07:44] Um, and that’s a retraining energetically, emotionally. Um, and whether this is one of your early steps or whether it’s, it’s part of the continuum of you getting good at this, really good at this. Um, so that you’re no more That being a scapegoat is just not part of the dynamic that you’re participating in internally.
[00:08:10] Even if anyone, everyone else is playing the game at times, you’re not playing that game internally. And with the people like Kathy and I and your circle and your, and the people that are doing this work, um, We recognize that scapegoating, um, over hyper responsibility, hyper perfection, hyper, um, blame and shame, these aren’t useful, um, for thriving.
[00:08:39] And they’re, they’re depleting to our health and well being, aren’t they? They’re actually depleting not just to ourselves, but the people that scapegoat us. So this, I struggled with this because I can be a little bit of a martyr, like, I can take it, I can, like, they can’t handle it, I will take it on, I will carry it for them, but One, scapegoating is very common.
[00:09:00] It happens a lot everywhere, but it means someone is not being in reality and people are not as healthy and as effective and vibrant when they’re not in reality. If I’ve been taught my entire life that I can’t be wrong or bad, and I have to deflect it out on someone else, I’m never ever facing myself.
[00:09:21] I’m never having true intimacy with myself. Um, and By allowing people to continue to scapegoat us, we’re not allowing them to have the opportunity to grow as well. So by carrying too much for them, it’s a codependent kind of, like as a children we don’t have a choice. It’s like, we’re in the fishbowl, we have to swim.
[00:09:41] But as adults we have a little more choice on how we handle with people most of the time, not for everyone all the time. But when we kind of start saying, huh. Yeah, I can accept that part of this is my fault, I could have done this and this. But, you know, some of it, you have responsibility too. Then we’re starting to deal with reality.
[00:10:00] And if we can model, like, hey, it’s not comfortable for me either. Yet, I’m okay. Like, I am a whole person. That’s one of the things I love about Buddhism. At least the group I’m following, the Zen group, they’re very much like, we are whole people. We can be awkward. We will be awkward. We will make mistakes.
[00:10:21] You know, like it’s not, we don’t have to may it cope by ourselves the whole time, but we’re just people are people, and we’re going to be good and bad and mixed. We’re going to do things well and right. And we’re going to do things from good intentions and bad intentions. And, you know, we’re gonna try to be as good as we can and reduce suffering, but we are human.
[00:10:38] And when we can let people be in their own reality. It gives them a chance to grow in a different way, in a much more healthy way. So if you’re, that helped me get out of the like, Oh, it’s not such a big deal when they blame me. It’s okay. I can take it. I’m used to it. It actually didn’t help me grow because I’m carrying things that are not mine.
[00:11:00] But I was also not giving it back to them so they could actually deal with their issues. And that kind of helped me just start us off. Uh, we like to do a lot of tapping, uh, EFT tapping is shown to help us in things that are, uh, trained in the primitive brain. It sends a different kind of signal. It acknowledges the past, the present, and our intention.
[00:11:24] If you’re new to tapping thriving now. com slash tapping, it’s a good place. Um, we have some grounding exercises at thriving now. com slash grounding. Kathy, would you lead us in that? Um, starting us off with, yeah, I learned, you know, that I, I, I’ve been taking it all my life. And, uh, now what? I invite you to take a nice deep breath.
[00:11:57] I did put the grounding exercises link is there. This can bring up a lot of stuff. This is very core to our identity and our sense of value. So if you start feeling a little bit wobbly, you can definitely. message us in the chat. We want you to have the grounding exercises to help you come back to here and now, um, and if you can, when we’re doing this work, try to be with yourself.
[00:12:16] The more you can be with reality here and now, the more effective tapping can be. So I invite you to take a Take a nice deep breath if that feels good to your body. Let yourself drop into here and now. Let the stuff that’s bothering you from earlier in the day drift away for now. It’ll be there later. If you have plans later, let them just be later.
[00:12:37] Just be here and now in this circle with us. And we’ll just do a little tapping, karate chop. Even though they did teach me, it was all my fault. Even though they did teach me, it was all my fault. And I have good neural patterns for accepting that. And I have good neural patterns for accepting that. It’s really easy.
[00:12:59] It’s really easy. Even though it’s hard. Even though it’s super hard. I’m open to being in reality with myself.
[00:13:12] I’m open to being in reality with myself. And letting them be in reality with themselves. And letting them be in reality with themselves. But that’s not my job. Top of the head. It’s their choice or not. It’s their choice or not. I wrote, but I can return the blame to them. But I can return the blame to them.
[00:13:35] Side of the eye. I’m not very effective running my life when I’m holding all their blame. I am not effective running my life when I’m holding all their blame. Under the eye, my, under the, my arms are full. My arms are full of their blame. Under the nose. If I can put it down, I can do things to change what I can control.
[00:13:57] If I put it down, I can do things to change what I can control. And I do have good neural networks for accepting blame. And I do have good neural networks for accepting blame. Assuming blame. I invite them to adjust to looking at what is true. I invite them to adjust to looking at what is true. Under the arm, some of it may be my fault.
[00:14:30] And some of it may be my fault. Top of the head, I can adjust those things. I can adjust those things. Eyebrow, not that I’ll be perfect. Not that I’ll be perfect. Side of the eye, but I’ll be a lot better than if I’m carrying everything. But I will be a lot better than if I’m carrying Everything. Under the eye, it doesn’t help them for me to accept their blame.
[00:14:58] It doesn’t help them for me to accept their blame. Under the nose, and I can get a sense of value for who I am. And I can get a sense of value for who I am. And not just for how much I can carry. Not just for how much I can carry. Alamoan, I’m really curious who this new me might be. I’m really curious who this new me might be.
[00:15:23] Under the arm, I invite her to let go of all this extra baggage. I invite him to let go of all this extra baggage. Top of the head, and figure out what feels right for me right now. and figure out what feels right for me right now. Just take a breath. And I’d like to point out that it’s actually, um, easy in a way to be scapegoated.
[00:15:48] It’s hard. It’s very hard to keep taking that blame and kind of beating ourselves up and feel bad. But it, there’s no decision to make. There’s no evaluation to make. It’s all my, anything bad that happens when I was at the worst of it, there could be a tsunami in India and it’s must be my fault somehow, like when I was, you know, 20, 30 years ago, anything bad that happened in the world must be my fault, I was carrying all that as opposed to, you know, and now it’s like, Oh, I don’t know, did I do something wrong?
[00:16:18] Could I have done something better? Did they do something wrong? There’s sometimes a, a, I have to be with things and sit with them a little bit to get a good clarity, get clarity on that. And sometimes I don’t get clarity. I’m not sure. And that’s a challenge to be with. Um, but it’s also a lot lighter than automatically just piling this guilt of like, Oh, that terrible thing happened.
[00:16:41] Like I’m such a bad person.
[00:16:51] Even though they convinced me. Even though they convinced me. I must be a bad person. I must be a bad person. Look at how they treat me. Look at how they treat me. They don’t treat everyone that way. They don’t treat everyone that way. They picked me out. They picked me out. And treated me that way. And treated me that way.
[00:17:13] Must be my fault. It must be my fault. Top of the head. They said it was my fault. They said it was my fault. eye brow, they had lots of evidence. They had lots of evidence. The side of the eye and they seemed so sure of themselves. They seemed so sure of themselves. They were certain that it was my fault.
[00:17:33] They were certain it was my fault. That I’m to blame. That I’m to blame, Jin. and they weren’t going to let me get away from that. And they weren’t going to let me get away from that. And a part of me knew it. And a part knew it. Went into the arm and I took it on. I did take it on. I’m not really feeling like that was a free choice.
[00:18:01] I’m not really feeling like that was a free choice. I’m starting to notice that that wasn’t a particularly free choice. I’m starting to notice that that wasn’t a particularly free choice.
[00:18:19] So, notice what we’re, how we’re doing this, because we want you to be able to do this for yourself too.
[00:18:30] If I learn to take it on as my fault, Any, any little gap in, in like, Oh, I wonder what’s mine here and what’s theirs. And there’s a part of me that likes the idea that modeling more discernment about it is good. It’s good for humanity. It’s good for me. It might be good for them. There’s a, there’s a part of me that’s run into people that, um, are so ingrained in that pattern that, um,
[00:19:12] my wise primal self knows that it actually will be activating. They will be threatened by anything that I do that means that I’m not taking on their shit too. You’re not following the script. I’m not following the script. Not following the script is a bit scary. Not following the script is a bit scary. I don’t want to say it.
[00:19:38] I don’t want to say anything. I don’t want to say anything. I know what shitstorm might come my way. I know what shitstorm might come my way. I’m already carrying enough of their shit. I’m already carrying enough of their shit. And they can really unleash a shitstorm. And they can really unleash a shitstorm.
[00:19:59] And they can really unleash a shitstorm. And then it’s all mine to deal with. And then it’s all mine to deal with. And they will insist it’s mine to deal with. And they will insist it’s mine to deal with. Who does this remind me of? Who does this remind me of? Yes, some of the most emotionally intelligent and beautiful people I know.
[00:20:19] Some of the most emotionally intelligent and beautiful people I know. Oh, no, not so much. Not so much. Now I use, for me, a little bit of ridiculousness. Feeling like it was all my fault. is an extreme, right? It’s, it’s not wise, but it’s understandable. Um, if somebody is shaming you and they’re going to be crushing you and they’re unleashing a shit storm energetically towards you, um, making it feel incredibly unsafe to be anything but the guilty shameful one in your aura, in your energy, in your demeanor, in your internalization.
[00:21:07] And they relax once Relax, so to speak, there’s a quality of, um, diminishment that they’re looking for their primitive brain, whether this is conscious in them or not, I, there’s only a very, a fairly small group of humans where that is a conscious thing that they actively go out and seek, but there are a lot of people with this dysfunction.
[00:21:34] A lot of people with this dysfunction, where putting someone else down gives them a feeling of having people bowing to them or, you know, powering to them, whether bowing. I kind of think of it, I took lifeguarding years ago as junior lifeguard, and they were like, people will try to push you down to push themselves up, like if they’re drowning, they will drown you and then drown as well.
[00:22:00] But they, that urge to push, if they’re feeling like they’re drowning, they will try to push you down so they feel a little bit above you. Um, it’s a similar, I think it’s a similar concept. Yeah. And, and for some people, the status game is running in their nervous system in the same way that we may be caring and empathetic and kind and compassionate to a, to the point where we’re, we’re damaging our own energy and our own life.
[00:22:26] Um, there are people that are so Status oriented that anyone that challenges their status, um, is a problem and you know, there’s, there’s a lot that we can read about these things, but the, the tapping, taking what’s coming up for you, if anyone has anything coming up specifically that they’d like to put in the chat, feel free.
[00:22:55] But one of the things that comes up for me is how scary having been in that situation was to. Um, my nervous system and I knew like we are practicing being able to talk about it. Yeah,
[00:23:20] yeah, like talking about it is. Is one of the first blocks, right? It’ll be done. Well, I think it’s No one’s People don’t generally sit down and say, Hmm, who are we gonna scapegoat in our family? Um, let’s pick Mary. Like, you know, let’s just pick this person and we’re gonna It’s not a conscious done thing.
[00:23:40] It’s, it’s uh, gradual. I think that they really put on glasses that see something that this person is really Struggling or not doing well or causing problems. Um, and they, it’s very hard to shift it because they, there’s, there’s, our reticular activating system in our brain will actively filter out things that we’re not expecting to see.
[00:24:02] So, if I convince you all that there are more red cars on the road than any other car, that’s what you’ll see. Your brain will notice that because that’s your belief pattern. Um, I, an example, I was getting my master’s degree and the professor that I was working for was a very, Uh, he was very, uh, misogynistic, uh, man.
[00:24:22] He was very smart, but his wife had a PhD as well and worked as a lab tech. And I was the only woman in his department, in his group. And he would yell at me that I ruined things all the time. And one morning I came in, I’d been in other classes all morning. I hadn’t been in the lab. And I came in and he’s like, Kathy, you break everything!
[00:24:42] And that helped me realize, oh wait. I wasn’t even in the lab. How was that possible? That was the beginning of me kind of going because I was starting to believe it too. Cause you see that he really was convinced that any, that the problems were mine. And you know, there was just, he, his glasses were painting me that way.
[00:25:01] And then I started to see myself that way. And then I started to get a little more clumsy in the lab because here I am so conscious about, apparently I break everything. And I was kind of creating that. And he was. Even when I started getting more polished and like trying to resist what he was saying, he couldn’t really see it because he was so convinced.
[00:25:21] Like I was started getting better at what I was doing. I was getting trained. And how did you feel? Um, what was the first, do you recall the first, some of the first feelings? Cause I’d like to tap on that. Like they were convinced. A lot of shame at first. Cause I, you know, just what am I must be so bad at this.
[00:25:40] He’s Yeah, even though I had a lot of shame about this. Even though I had a lot of shame about this. They were blaming me. They were blaming me. They said I ruined things. They said I ruined things. And they said it like they really meant it.
[00:26:04] And they said it like they really meant it. Maybe I don’t have to take that all on. Maybe I don’t have to take that all on. Even though I did take it on at the time. Even though I did take it on at the time, for sure. I send empathy and compassion back to my younger self. I send empathy and compassion back to my younger self.
[00:26:28] I was confused and lost. I was confused and lost. It was very confusing. I couldn’t understand what was happening. I couldn’t understand what was happening. And now I kind of get it. And now I kind of get it. Top of the head. I was so ashamed. I was so ashamed. I thought I was doing something wrong. I thought I was doing something wrong.
[00:26:53] Side of the eye. And instead I was just part of a dance that people were playing. Ugh. Instead I was part of a smash up that people were playing. Under the eye. And I got caught up in it. And I got caught up in it. Under the nose. It’s something that happens in a lot of relationships. Something that happens in a lot of relationships.
[00:27:19] And now, I’m stepping out of that dance. And now I’m stepping out of that dance. How about I’m learning how to see myself as I am. I’m learning to see myself more accurately as I am. Under the arm, people may still try to shame me.
[00:27:40] People may still try to shame me. Top of the head, but I don’t have to always take that on. But I do not have to take that on. Just take a breath, and I just want to give space, like a lot of us will. We have really strong patterns and habits of taking on the stuff that people throw at us. Um, it’s really common if, like, two or three other people are saying something bad about us, it’s like, they must be right, I’m wrong, that’s just human nature.
[00:28:09] But, it’s okay if you get caught up in it, just the sooner you can notice it, and go, Huh, oh, I went partway down that path, I’m gonna turn it around. I don’t want, I just want to take the need for perfection out of that, because it’s really hard if we’re, like, trying to be perfect about not taking on stuff, but we might take it on a little bit, and then go, Hmm.
[00:28:28] No, it’s not a really good fit for me. I would say that as even with all the work that I’ve done, what happens internally with me is if there is something that feels like fault is being laid, it lands first in that part of me which was, was groomed and trained to be the one responsible. Responsible. Um, and that
[00:29:02] the difference is is that this work allows me to say if it’s all falling on me, I’m
[00:29:14] I want to keep that energy moving. It’s like if I’m if I’m if a part of me is blaming it all on somebody else. Mm. And I don’t believe it’s 50 50. Right? Like Most things are not divided 50 50. As a child, I am willing to own that I had a curiosity about sexuality. I’m not willing to own the sexual abuse that he did, because I did not initiate it.
[00:29:50] It was not something that was okay. We didn’t have a power dynamic. The power was all on his side. Right. And there were things that were undeveloped in me. I was a barely a teenager. And when we look at and discern, like, okay, yeah, I own my susceptibility, I owned that at that age I really was looking for, um, for someone to trust and I hadn’t developed out the sensors for people, uh, like him, okay?
[00:30:28] Now I can own that reality, it took a while to get to that place, but when we get to a place where we can start to discern, say, okay, Okay? Well, I’m willing to own my shit and where it is, I wonder if they can own any of their own shit because I’m starting to smell the difference between mine and theirs, right?
[00:31:05] I use primal metaphors for me, they may not be right for you, but the reason I’ll use things like shit and vomit is that energetically, This stuff feels that way to me. It feels so shitty. It feels like being vomited on and, and then blamed for being covered with vomit and getting vomit on the floor. Okay.
[00:31:25] Well, yeah, I own the fact that I was standing there, right? You’re, I wasn’t quick enough. I’m owning that. No, I didn’t get to the other room. I didn’t get you a bucket. Um, but actually you were sort of aiming it at me. And, um, you feel better. Isn’t it interesting. You had all this stuff inside of you, and you vomited it out on me, and you’re now looking at me like, I’m the one who’s stinking up the place, I’m the one who needs to clean this up.
[00:32:02] Okay, why does that work? Because it’s, if people were actually doing that physically, wouldn’t it be easier on us? Then the script kind of, of, um, what? Like, being blamed for ruining someone’s life when you’re an innocent child. Well, like, even the fact they threw up, I would take on that, like, oh, I must have made them nauseous somehow.
[00:32:37] Like, just even the fact that they were, like, And then that I didn’t get out of the way or clean it up or help them better. Um, I just wanted to, what you’re saying is really good. And I just think talking about triangulation might be helpful here to put in context. Um, triangulation is. psychological term, but it was very helpful for me to hear it and to understand it.
[00:33:02] Triangulation happens, and we’ll just take three people for simplicity, but it can happen with more than that. So, um, if Rick and I were going to triangulate Adira as a scapegoat, his little daughter, she’s amazing, so we’re not, we wouldn’t really scapegoat her, so she’s a safe example. But that’s, this is often what happens is, I would artificially feel closer to Rick.
[00:33:23] Often people that scapegoat other people, um, or gossip a lot. This is also a cause of that. I might be having trouble being intimate and open and connecting with other people in a vulnerable way. But if I focus on Adira and how bad she is, Rick and I can then, if we’re kind of common, like, oh yeah, she’s a problem, look at what she did, blah, blah, blah.
[00:33:44] We feel artificially closer to each other. There’s a, I get a sense of connection and intimacy without having to actually risk it. It’s false. Um, and I also get to displace any bad feelings I have. People tend to gossip more or triangulate more when they’re feeling bad or under stress. So then I can say, I can take my bad feelings about, that I’m feeling like I didn’t do well enough.
[00:34:09] I should have done this better. Um, I’m just having a bad day. I can put them off on her. It’s her fault. She, she didn’t hug me when she came in. How dare she? Like she’s supposed to read minds. Um, it puts me, it helps Rick and I feel closer together and it helps us feel above her a little bit. So families do this all the time and different people can rotate.
[00:34:31] It’s not always the same people. People in, um, like often it is the same person that’s chosen as a scapegoat, but it doesn’t have to be. It can rotate a bit. In my family, I am actually not the worst daughter right now. I am one of the favorite daughters. Um, but don’t worry, it won’t change. Love you. My one sister.
[00:34:53] In the 18 years that we’ve been together, I’ve seen it cycle. So it’s like, oh. You don’t stay on top very long. Um, and we’re not competing with each other. In fact, my sister and I talk about it. So it’s like, oh, what daughter are you now? I’m second favorite. I’m okay right now. Um. If you’re the bottom one, you’re really bad.
[00:35:11] Um, your bad things are piled on you. So, recognizing that triangulation really helped me see the pattern in people around me. Um, because it’s just, it’s what people do when they feel powerless and don’t have a good way to communicate with each other. And the worse we feel, the more likely we are to blame someone else.
[00:35:33] Someone was sharing about how, um, her brother was The one that was scapegoating a lot and a lot of blame and it still can be really triggering and he just takes no responsibility. He’s scapegoats more. He puts her down more and that’s it’s like wow, that person is also sharing a little bit that they’re very probably super insecure and probably don’t have skills to deal with stuff.
[00:36:01] It doesn’t make it right that they’re doing it, but understanding that He is probably just trying to make himself feel better. It’s not a nice way to do it. It’s not okay. Where it’s coming from helps me, like, go, Oh, it helped me step away a little more. It helped me say, Oh, I don’t have to, like, necessarily buy what that person is saying so much.
[00:36:24] They’re trying to deflect something or take care of, heal something in their life in a bad way. It’s not really about me. It’s not, it’s not me that’s doing this, it’s, I’m just a stand in for the garbage can that they want to get rid of their feelings and displace things. Did I say that in a way that’s understandable?
[00:36:46] It’s, it’s, it’s, it’s a hard reality, um, and so many times when you look at family dynamics, we spend our, we spend a lot of years, we’re, we’re forced to maladapt, we’re forced to endure in order to survive. We’re forced to, you know, take it, because what’s the alternative? Well, a lot of people can’t take it, and they’re not here with us.
[00:37:27] It takes a lot of something inside to be able to get to the place where, you know, 40 years later, you recognize, you know, it’s, the same person said, you know, it’s even just writing this, I feel triggered. Well, I will say from a distance, without knowing your brother at all, Somebody who has it out for you, just based on your energy and what I know about you.
[00:37:58] Someone that has it out for you, for 40 years. Whoever owns his own shit. It’s like, if you’re living in the same house, and instead of getting up to go to the bathroom, he shits on the sofa, and it’s your fault. It’s absurd. The first time after decades of that, it’s, it is scary to recognize that somebody is that delusionally disconnected from their own energy that they are blaming an innocent in that way consistently, repeatedly.
[00:38:43] I wouldn’t bring this up around him because I don’t know how he, he obviously is a energetically dangerous person. And try to take the safety valve away from a person that that’s their only safety valve. They might not be very nice about it. So really super tender. If, if you have to be exposed or sometimes are exposed, that’s part of like.
[00:39:11] Oh, you know, I am sensitive enough after all these years to be able to feel this person is constipated with shit. This person is constipated. And I know where they want to post it. I know where they want to post it. Yeah, nah. Uh uh. No, I really don’t want this. I really don’t want this. Of course it’s triggering.
[00:39:34] Of course it’s triggering. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I don’t know anyone that wants to take his shit. I don’t know anyone who wants to take his shit. Of course it’s triggering. Of course it’s triggering. I am not so unwise that it isn’t triggering. I am not so unwise that it isn’t triggering.
[00:39:57] This is, this is emotionally shitty. This is emotionally shitty. And I want to keep as much distance and little depth as I can. I want to keep as much emotional distance and as little depth as I can.
[00:40:21] In this work, there often is the yes, buts or the, but you don’t understand, like there’s a part of me that says, you know, you don’t understand it really was your fault.
[00:40:36] If I honor that part of me as protecting me, cause it doesn’t want me to do something stupid, like I’m going to poke his little bag of shit. Oh, I’m going to try to coach him. I’m going to try to coach my brother. After all these years, it’s time for him to become a little bit more emotionally intelligent.
[00:40:58] Yeah, not recommended. Not, not recommended. Um With great compassion and love for the capacity of humans to change on their own. Um, uh, yeah. Trying to fix people from the outside generally doesn’t work. Part of being a scapegoat no more is to step out of the goat fence, right? Where they have you in their mind that you’re the scapegoat in this container.
[00:41:32] And that they Get to lay it on you, whether they change their vision of you or not, which often really unlikely when you step out and say, well, I’m going to own my shit, but everything in there, that’s their space. And in fact, I’m, I’m cultivating. We spaces that are healthy. Or people know how to use the toilet and even wipe themselves, right?
[00:42:00] Or ask for help if they’re having a really bad day. Or ask for their help if their arms aren’t working, right? Um, and that there’s this space that sometimes maybe, I know some people here with us, um, they have to go through that space. They have to walk through the barnyard and You know, I used to have four horses, and there was no way to walk through the barnyard sometimes without stepping in some poo.
[00:42:25] Um, but we try to navigate that, and, and truthfully, scapegoats tend to know how to navigate. The upgrade is The steps that we do are really when we have some space, when we have some, when we have our own energy, we’re upgrading that. Yeah, everything’s been laid on me again. Is there anything, um, that’s actually mine and to, and to, to seek for discernment.
[00:43:03] Um, it’s a fancy concept. Um, when I heard it, I didn’t even know what it was, but it’s that separation. Yeah. Well,
[00:43:17] you know, they’re, they’re experts of this, right? And they can look at it and say, well, that’s bullshit. It’s from a bowl. That’s rabbit shit. It was shit, but they’re different. If we own, look, this is Rick shit. I know, I know the crappy things that I think do and can do. Um, and I want to own that so that I can tend to it kind of emotional hygiene.
[00:43:47] Um, I am human. We all are. But that discernment says, and this is of that pattern. Sometimes we label patterns. Um, there, there’s some labels and they can be helpful. Like scapegoat is a label. Um, and yet I know that even within the label of scapegoat, there’s so many different, you know, species of scapegoat and, and how we were trained.
[00:44:17] Um, were we, were we literally whipped? or were we abandoned or un undernourished and unfed, those create different, different patterns. Mm-hmm. And it’s
[00:44:36] the no more is a quality of yang. In in, in the energy world. There’s the yin of, okay, well I. I want to hold what is mine. What’s mine is mine.
[00:44:59] But the no more says what’s theirs is theirs. And if you, if you’re in the middle of doing this work, sometimes it can be helpful to be like, scapegoat no more. I’m human, not a goat. I’m human, not a goat. I’m not a scapegoat. I’m not a scapegoat. They made me into one. They made me into one. They dressed me up as one.
[00:45:26] They dressed me up as one. They had me make those scapegoat noises. They had me make those scapegoat noises. I had to walk around like a scapegoat. I had to walk around like a scapegoat. Pretending that that’s what I was. Pretending that that’s what I was. Scapegoat no more. Scapegoat no more.
[00:45:50] Notice that there’s a bit of a oomph to that. Um, if you try it prematurely, you can get some panic. Okay, then back off. They’re like, oh, I just, I just wanna, I just wanna be responsible at this point for my own shit. My own, um, development. Notice how I took shit and then I, my own development. My own savvy.
[00:46:12] My own emotional regulation, uh, my own values. I want to be responsible for my values, clarifying them, living by them. Um, and, and that’s the other stuff is there’s that differentiation that Kathy talked about, the no more says I’m not in this triangle anymore. You, they may pretend that I am, but I know it’s a pretense.
[00:46:35] It’s I am moving out of the scapegoat. No more. Um, and if you find yourself making scapegoat noises or thoughts, man, you know, like
[00:46:49] It can be hard to stop. I remember about two to three years into tapping. I was so angry for being blamed for something. That’s so utterly not my fault. And I went for a walk and I’m, I’m about three quarters of a mile in and I’m walking along this river and it’s got a great energy and suddenly spirit takes me over and I start like, you could probably hear me miles away.
[00:47:20] I was the goat that was being tormented. You know, they got me by the balls, and they’re twisting, and I’m tapping while I do it, because at that point, that’s what I was trained to do. And you know, probably three or four rounds of that, I just started laughing hysterically, and I felt, you know, this little, I didn’t actually throw up, but I got a little bit of it out of my, like, blech.
[00:47:50] cough app out of my system. Um, so I, I share that as yeah. It’s an invitation if you’re drawn that way, but to also recognize that in this journey, you may find yourself doing some weird, weird things in the interest of freedom and breaking out the no more. Of yeah, no, that’s not a role I take on in my world.
[00:48:21] In my inner world, I don’t take it on. Even if in the outer world, I will always be seen as that person by them or them. I think it’s, it’s just very challenging sometimes to step out of it, especially when we’ve been trained early. Many of us were like. Our younger self is like, this is my role. I need to take it to survive because when we’re little kids, we know we can’t survive without our parents or our loved, our caregivers.
[00:48:49] So it’s like part of us will often hold onto the role very tightly because it gave us a sense of value often. A place in the family, even though it was a low value position, low status position, we had a role. We are fitting into a role with that. And it can be really very enticing for us to have that role.
[00:49:10] And other people, it’s not just they get to displace those feelings, but when other people are shamed, they tend to fawn or be really nice to the people that put them down, especially young children. It’s like, oh, if we, if we’ve really bought that shaming that I did something wrong, it’s like, I’m so sorry.
[00:49:28] I will try to be like, there’s extra attention and like appeasement often going on. And like the person, the person that’s put us down can feel really good about that. Like, Oh look, they’re down there. They’re really attentive to me. They’re, they’re trying to fawn on, they’re being really nice to me. I get, so there’s like a cycle there, and stepping out of that cycle is hard.
[00:49:50] The person, one of the people was sharing about how worrying about her brother and his inner children, and then how do I stop this. I personally would really encourage you not to worry about your brother, other than taking care of your own safety. Taking yourself out of the equation as much as possible.
[00:50:08] Breaking the cycle for yourself is already a really big deal. Trying to heal someone else while we do that, especially someone who’s really resistant and angry, I haven’t seen a lot of luck with that. Like, when we teach surrogate tapping, for example, when we’re tapping for someone else, it’s like, tap for yourself first.
[00:50:27] Get yourself out of the way first. All your wants, needs. Blocks out of the way first and then worry about tapping for them half the time when we tap for ourselves and clear stuff The other person isn’t trapped in that situation anymore. So It really is especially for caring people. We want to jump in and save the other person too and They have to make choices.
[00:50:50] So stepping kind of deciding for ourselves like I don’t want to be in this anymore And it’s hard if someone was sharing it like how do I I’m living in a space where I feel trapped targeted every day by my family members. How can someone like me who’s living in trauma and being messed with and constantly smeared by their group and attacks, how do I mentally get away?
[00:51:14] It’s, it’s really a tough situation when you can’t get away. You’re stuck in that position for some reason. And I would invite you to, as best you can, to be with the feelings you’re feeling as they come up. See if you can, you know, even little doses, like what’s actually happening here. Does this actually make sense?
[00:51:37] Can I breathe for a minute? Can I, we’re not, I’m not saying to dive head first into it, but, uh, we talk often about baby steps, like, can I be with these feelings for 10 seconds? Can I go to the bathroom and do a little tapping? Um, They’re, they’re, I think of it as like kind of a, a reinex on our surface.
[00:51:57] They want some place where things can stick. The less places there are to hook, the less we get drawn into that if we’re healing ourselves, it starts getting less satisfying. It’s just not so satisfying. And unfortunately, sometimes people will double down. They’re used to getting their dopamine fix by poking this button, and it’s not working, and sometimes they’ll start poking more.
[00:52:20] But if as we
[00:52:24] Repeating the pattern is not necessarily going to help anything. But if we start healing ourselves and noticing like, Oh, they’re trying to make me feel bad. I’m feeling a lot of shame. Can I be with this shame? Can I tap on the shame? Can I kind of clear out my bucket? There’s less places for this to stick.
[00:52:43] Um, and People will go over time. They will go to where they get the best dopamine hit. They’re not going to go keep pushing the button. If nothing happens, eventually they’re going to go like the button’s broken. Okay. Let’s try something. We’re going to go someplace else. Unfortunately, people that are.
[00:52:59] Really stuck in their world. They keep pushing buttons different places and trying to displace things But if we’re taking ourselves out of the equation and healing ourselves, some people are gonna see it and heal as well They’re just gonna be you know, they’re gonna like oh There’s possibility hope and some people are not gonna take that and I wish there was a better answer there I love an answer.
[00:53:22] We’re all Miraculously healed we’re gonna take a break here Um, I just want to acknowledge the wisdom from our deep experience personally, and others. Um, the hook of needing it to be different is part of what We’ll keep someone feeling like that’s who I am and I need, I need to heal the triangle in order to be freed of it.
[00:54:02] If you’ve been told you never, and you always for 40 years tend to your inner child, what she felt being told that when she knows that that’s not who she is and how she always behaves, maybe sometimes, maybe almost never, um,
[00:54:26] and give it. A good amount of time, like 100 days of tending to your inner child,
[00:54:40] two years of really recalibrating so that you’re just not in that dynamic. And then, and then things will be clearer because you’re not caught in it. There’s a gravitational pull. It keeps us stuck. It keeps us there. It keeps us in it. It is one of the strongest, like they talk about family bonds, dysfunctional bonds are very strong, 10 times stronger and infused with kryptonite.
[00:55:11] They’re just really hard because they both deplete us and keep us stuck. I believe that this type of work and this kind of group gives us a chance to say, you know, I’m not the only one that, look at this, got all these people here. And, uh, we share this, like we’ve been scapegoated and we want to be freer.
[00:55:35] We’d like to be able to say, scapegoat no more. And when we get back, I’d like you to, in part of during this break, consider, okay, well, if you’re not a scapegoat, what are you? Not always at fault. What are you? Where, where are you putting your chi and your energy? We’ll be back in, uh, seven minutes. I’m gonna go ahead and pause the recording.
[00:56:07] Welcome back. Um, scapegoat no more. Why would we consider that a skill?
[00:56:21] Well, to me that when it’s, there are things that are, that are exceptional traumas, things that happened to us in childhood, ways that we were raised and not raised. Um, Those trauma wounds, uh, they’re tender, we’re, we maladapted in order to survive, and in the process of thriving, we, uh, we heal, and we, we revisit it.
[00:56:54] Scapegoating is such a part of culture, and human dynamics. Or bosses, or co workers, or, or friends. Right. Someone mentioned that they start feeling sick when. You know, you start talking about somebody else, but there’s also a closeness as Kathy pointed out.
[00:57:20] If I’m talking about a dynamic with someone with the interest in like
[00:57:29] If I’m in blame, my hope is that someone I’m talking to is not going to join me there.
[00:57:38] There are people that are really have profound personality dysfunctions. If you’ve not spoken to someone for 10 years and they immediately launch in on, you know, Uh, you always, you never, and it’s like you’re back in childhood. Um, if we speak of this person
[00:58:09] like, okay, now what? How do I navigate this? How do I not be the scapegoat?
[00:58:25] I believe that one of the skills is, well, what matters to me? Now notice what happens if you think of yourself in this dynamic where you’re, you’re scapegoated. Right? Um, well, what matters to you, to you? Well, mutual respect matters to me. And as soon as I say that I, I feel a little bit of a, the energy of that value, what I actually value when it’s alive in me as a protective quality, filtering quality, at least if I say I really and truly value co creating in ways that, yeah.
[00:59:12] We look to minimize harm and maximize thriving together. We’re just thriving. We’re just suffering. I get a little teary because there are relationships that weren’t that.
[00:59:30] But as soon as I do, I ground myself in that, which is a practiced value. What do I mean by practice value? When I see it not playing out in the world, or I see it not playing out between two people I care about, I see it coming at me most of the time post. Facto, like after the fact I’ll tap on, like, you know, and I really, it’s so precious to me to have that feeling like both people want to co create a space together where we feel safe and respected and we’re minimizing harm and really wanting each other, cultivating a thriving together.
[01:00:15] That’s what matters to me. If they blame it all on me, it feels It feels different if I’m, if I’m practicing the vibration of what, what matters to me. To me, sometimes the hurt is the hurt, which sometimes is led by or followed by rage or outrage or, uh, the, we did a whole workshop on unwinding shock. If you’re shocked after a long period of time, that, boy, I am still susceptible to being blamed, even if it is utterly not my shit.
[01:00:59] It’s human. Like, oh. Right? Like, oh, I’m susceptible. Here, look at me. My face is red. I’m feeling all this shame response, right? The shame is on me. Maybe I’m not shameful, but the shame is on me. It’s in my blood and, you know, I’m gonna have to process this. Um, we tap on that. And going back to, how do you want to be, what matters to you, what are you practicing, where are you putting your energy toward?
[01:01:35] As someone shared in the chat, if my scapegoater is in blame, then as long as I’m blaming him for blaming me, I’m stuck in the blame too. That’s a loop that I want out of. I invite you, noticing that someone else is doing something wrong is not the same as blaming someone. Um, so there’s not really like, yes, sometimes I blame people.
[01:01:58] I like kind of shame, like you’re all your fault. I’m putting the weight over there. Um, but I think no, there’s a difference in, oh, that person is engaging in a pattern that is not healthy. That’s not blaming someone. It’s a noticing of reality. And that means I can do what I need to do about that. And that might mean, and there are people in my life that I said, I didn’t speak to someone very close to me and my family for nine years, I needed to step away to allow myself to heal, to do my work.
[01:02:29] It was very important. And just like. People saying, you always, you never. I thought I would never speak to that person again. And I healed a lot. And now that person, we’re actually kind of close in a way that is, oh, now is a very toxic time. What do I need to do to take care of myself? I’m going to put the oxygen mask on myself first with this person.
[01:02:52] If it’s starting to be harmful to me to be around them, I can step out. And I can, I’ve actually developed to the point where I’ve told them this, like, if this is toxic for me, I will step out and I will come back later and see how things are. That’s okay for me. But I noticed a couple of people said that they want, they hadn’t had a lot of contact and I just, I’d like to, my, my.
[01:03:16] I noticed I have a desire to like, take the guilt out of that. Congratulations. Good job. Like it’s, if you can, you know, maybe you’re doing something really good to take care of yourself. Maybe it hurts. Maybe you’d like something different. Um, it’s okay to notice if someone is not a good fit for you. It’s good.
[01:03:36] It’s okay to notice, huh. I seem to be getting a lot of the, the fault seems to be coming on this side. Uh, and I don’t really like that. And I can decide whether I want to say, Hey, Person, I don’t like this or wow, I just, they’re, they’re not worth it enough for me to fight that battle and to step away. And I can also work on myself for her.
[01:03:58] Like Rick said, the shame we are as humans, we. Shame is easy for us. We, we, survival brain wants to fit into our community. Wants to feel valuable to our community. So if we’re shamed, we feel like our survival brain is like, Ah, the next time there’s a blizzard, they’re going to kick me out. So like, just realize that, oh, I felt some shame.
[01:04:20] Is this real? Is this something I feel ashamed of? Is there something there that I need to work on? And how much of it do I want to actually keep to inspect under the microscope? And how much do I want to go, wow, they’re blowing that out of the chimney. They must have a lot in there.
[01:04:38] Top of the head. I, I want to notice and be aware. I want to notice and be aware. Eyebrow. What works for me and what doesn’t? What works for me and what doesn’t? Eye to the eye. Some people love an emotionally violent debate. Some people love an emotionally violent debate. Under the eye. They want to toss flame like catapults back and forth.
[01:05:10] They want to toss flame like catapults back and forth. Under the nose. Fiery rage at each other. Fiery rage at each other. And what a great game this is! What a great game this is! Let alone, uh, no, not for me. No, not for me. And I own that. And I own that. I’ll own my shit and I’ll own my flowers. I love my shit and I love my flowers.
[01:05:39] Noticing is, is part of, discernment is a way of noticing. It’s
[01:05:51] like, okay, it’s landing here, but what is it, actually? Well, I’m noticing that I don’t like to be shit upon. Um, there are people that, their, their way of interacting when, is to, well, you should do this, and you should do that, or you should move out, and you should do this, and, um, that is so disorienting, and It’s like, oh, there’s a shitting and I value freedom, even the freedom for people to do hard things, the freedom for people not to disclose all their reasons why they might be staying, right?
[01:06:34] Like, it’s complex. We humans are complex. Our situations are never as trivial as someone who’s shitting on us is never thinking. It’s easy to take a peek back. It’s clear what you should do. They should do that and they shouldn’t do that and wag wag wag. It’s kind of scapegoating though. It’s like, oh, I don’t want to face that life is complex and difficult.
[01:06:59] So I take a few facts about someone and I decide if I was in their shoes, I could fix it right away. They should just do this. It is a form of blame and scapegoating. And um, I’m working on it. I’m working on it. I do not have to be perfect. I do not have to be perfect.
[01:07:23] I need to notice what’s happening. I need to notice what’s happening. And come back to what matters to me. And come back to what matters to me. I’m really different from a lot of people. I’m really different from a lot of people. And my values really matter to me. My values really matter to me.
[01:07:53] And sometimes you keep your distance from the catapults. And sometimes you keep your distance from the catapults. That’s not a bad thing if you value safety. It’s not a bad thing if you value safety.
[01:08:14] I give myself permission to be clear and a scapegoat no more. I give myself permission to be clear and a scapegoat no more.
[01:08:30] You know, to me there’s a, in, when we’re thriving, we’re not in the binary. The binary says, um, you’re evil, I must be good. I’m good, you’re evil. Um. That’s right. You’re wrong. Uh, Thriving says much more individually well, what matters to you and how does this how is this not working for you? Well, this is what matters to me and this is, like I value safety and I value, um people that have the capacity to, uh, go to a different place of listening and engagement that feels good.
[01:09:13] It feels like we can Um, reveal a truth, even if it means we’re not going to be close, right? That’s really feels good to me. Um, and, you know, I, you mentioned dance. There was someone at Contact Improv that used to swing their arms and legs just like suddenly. And it was their style and they rarely hit someone.
[01:09:47] But when they hit someone, they hit them hard. And I stay quite far away, beautiful dancer, uh, for the most part, except for when in there, um, not tending to the Wii space that we all shared. Tending to their only to their own need for moving their body a certain way, they caused harm on other people. And there’s some people that are really stuck in harmful.
[01:10:17] Um, and I I As someone mentioned, when you do a lot of work, you recognize that their pattern really isn’t serving their higher and best good. And the truth of the matter is too that, um, we know what a slog it can be for decades to heal some of this stuff. And, um, it’s not something I, you know, I respond to people’s desire for healing.
[01:10:45] I am not in the business of saying to someone You know, you’re, if you, if you, if you took care of the sharp edges of your narcissistic personality disorder, um, You know, you probably are not going to die alone. No. But at the pace you’re going, um, you’ve driven away everyone, including people that flee in the middle of the night.
[01:11:13] Your personality. No, I’m not talking to him about his issues. We learn to navigate and to be savvy. Coming back to well, what matters to us and how can we help those that are, um, impacted, including ourselves. By that kind of behavior, um, how can we support one another without getting pulled back into it or wrapped into it?
[01:11:41] Having permission not to be the healer of, um, your mother, your father, your brother, your cousin, your The ones that don’t want to be healed. Don’t say you need to be healed. Even if, even if Part of you spiritually is, is hearing they’re, they’re crying out that in misery, but their behavior is just, are you really the, the, um, I turn it over.
[01:12:07] To spirit in that, um, I, part of discernment can be like, who, who am I actually good for naturally and easily
[01:12:21] your vulnerability, your realness, your life and your life experiences, the things that are your edge, the, the things that matter to you, who’s that good for you all showing up for this on a Tuesday night. Um, being, getting a chance to be real about the things that have maladapted me and then crafted me into the, the man I am, the human I am, uh, the father I am now, um, these.
[01:12:58] These engagements matter and while in the chat we’ve shared some really potent stuff and I can feel because I’m empathetic, um, and I’m blessed to get to know some of the stories of being scapegoated to the point where you just know that if I hadn’t been scapegoated quite like that, to that extent, um, there’s so much potential in me that would have been easier.
[01:13:28] It would have been so much easier and natural for me to come forward in this way and that way and this way and I’m still, I’m still adapting.
[01:13:41] That courage to keep showing up, to continue to adapt, refine, discern, and then express out your kindness, your compassion to those and with those where it is precious. It is flowers not to be stamped on. But to be delighted and, um. Someone shared about, um, letting people go and that, protect, you know, taking care of themselves.
[01:14:11] And they mentioned forgiveness. And I, that’s another thing I’ve noticed that our society tends to emphasize forgiveness as a way of letting other people go. And I think it’s okay to step out of someone’s life and say, still not have forgiven them. I have worked with a lot of clients and my, I’ve worked with myself too, through things where I kind of forced forgiveness or they forced forgiveness.
[01:14:32] And it, it left some, some, some stuff left behind. So I’m a big person on, don’t try to forgive until it comes naturally. work on healing what’s there, and then the forgiveness may or may not come. But I love the concept, and I’ve actually experienced it sometimes, not always, but I talked about that renex where things didn’t stick, and there are moments now, it’s again, not always, but I can go, oh, like Rick was talking about that dancer flailing their arms, like, Oh, this person is flailing their arms at me again.
[01:15:05] Huh. And it’s not about me. It’s like they’re doing something. It’s not about me. It’s their action. And oh, that’s very curious. I wonder if they get entertainment out of that or they even realize they’re doing that. You know, it’s like, it doesn’t have to be that it always sticks or we feel ashamed. We can get some differentiation.
[01:15:26] Oh, they’re doing their thing. And it’s much harder, I think, when it’s people that have power over us, like a boss, or people that we’re really close to, that we, family. But there are moments where I’m like, oh, that person is doing that thing, and it’s really strange. I wonder if they know what they look like.
[01:15:42] But there’s not a, not about me. So just a kind of goal if you want it.
[01:15:50] Even though I was scapegoated, even though I was scapegoated, by more than one, by more than one, and a part of me was convinced, and part of me was convinced, you must be right. It must be right. They’re treating me so badly. They’re treating me so badly. It must be me. It must be me. What if it wasn’t? What if it wasn’t?
[01:16:21] Part of me is scared about that truth. Part of me is scared about that truth. But I’m taking it in increments. But I’m taking it in increments. They treated me like a scapegoat. They treated me like a scapegoat. And I’m no goat. Top of the head. They treated me so badly. They treated me so badly. Eyebrow. I wouldn’t even treat a goat that way.
[01:16:45] I would not treat a goat that way. Yeah, I would never treat an animal that way. I would never treat an animal that way. They treated me so badly. They treated me so badly. They criticized. They criticized. They neglected. They neglected. They blame me for having perfectly normal needs. They blame me for having perfectly normal needs.
[01:17:12] It was so exhausting. It was so exhausting. There’s so much shit to carry. So much shit to carry.
[01:17:23] And a part of me has decided to be a scapegoat. No more part of me has decided to be a scapegoat no more, and I wanna strengthen that part of me. And I do want to strengthen that part of me.
[01:17:39] And, uh, energy work, there’s this, I call it settling and strengthening. It’s the, Oh, you know, I’m settling into I’m a scapegoat no more. And I’m strengthening through. Because I value other things, the people that, that are looking for a scapegoat that attacked me, their, their behaviors indicate that they, um, are very quite different than me.
[01:18:09] And I’m, I’m looking for and, and I’m tending to myself in a way that is a match to my values or a mutual respect, me and my past self and my future self. The work that you’ve done today, your future self is going to thank you for, because every increment that we take in this along our way makes us both stronger, but also, as Kathy mentioned, that modeling, um, maybe we’re not modeling for the people that are scapegoating, but we are modeling that for those of us that have been harmed by that internally and have taken it on.
[01:18:52] There’s, um, like just the question. Well, I hear you, but what’s your shit and what’s their shit? Cause I see different, I see bullshit and I see horseshit, right? Which is yours and what’s in it? Well, what’s in mine is that they just drove me to tears so many times that I just broke, right? Yeah, in your shit, I see all the stuff that was undigestible has been laid on you, shoved down your throat.
[01:19:27] Yeah, that’s in your shit! Okay, well, it’s your shit. I’m with you on that one. But this other stuff, that’s theirs. When we, whether you choose to use my kind of primal language, or you just say, I understand, sweetheart. I really do. It’s hard to have stuff laid upon you that isn’t yours. And to feel so misunderstood and attacked,
[01:19:59] however, you model it in your awareness and your growth changes the lineage of humanity, it strengthens that scapegoating is, is not what we stand for. It may be pervasive, it may rise and fall. You may be good daughter and bad daughter next week. Um, but we stand for something different and we strengthen it.
[01:20:28] We strengthen it. Inside of us and with each other. And I so appreciate getting a chance to do that with you all tonight. Absolutely. I invite you all to be a little bit gentle with yourself. This can bring up a lot of tenderness. There can be grief that you may not have looked at before because you were scapegoated.
[01:20:47] It’s very painful to be scapegoated. Um, and also you’re kind of growing another tendril of yourself if you’re kind of standing up to that. And that can be really tender. So I invite you, you know, if you, if you pay attention to yourself, the self awareness that someone talked about, what does myself need right now?
[01:21:05] A gentle or quiet time to integrate, nice bubble bath, whatever it is, just notice over the next day or so, if there’s a little tenderness, that’s nothing wrong. It’s just you growing. And I so am honored to be here with all of you, with your courage. Thank you all. Thank you, Cathy. Until next time. Bye everyone.
[01:21:27]
Replay is below
