Replay is below
You’re cold. Oh! There’s a campfire! You step closer, feel the warmth… ahhh. Keep stepping closer, closer, closer… wow, it’s getting hot…
As adults we understand that there is a right distance from a source of heat. Too far away, the warmth doesn’t go deep enough. Too close, we get uncomfortable – even harmed if carried too far.
Our skin and internal sensors help us navigate that and dynamically adjust .
People also have fire. We physically burn at 98.6F.
Emotionally, too, we can be Fired UP! Raging infernos even.
Or be sloppy, damp, wet cold lumps.
Dynamically adjusting our distance with other humans is not a savvy skill we’re taught.
I was taught to avoid certain people. Sometimes that isn’t possible!
I was taught to hold TIGHT to people that we care about… but what if they need space? Or the dynamic isn’t healthful anymore?
So… that’s what Cathy and I will be exploring, tapping, and refining on Monday… Just Right Engaging.
It’s grounded in the concept of Right Distance… Right Depth. We have sensors that can guide us in finding engagement that works for us, adjusting dynamically without harm, and deepening with confidence and mutual Yes-Yes.
Sound intriguing? Something you are already exploring with those in your world (or want to)? We’d love to have you join us!
Replay is belowA Real Skills Workshop for: Savvy Relating and Engaging
Hosts: Rick Wilkes ~ Thriving Now and Cathy Vartuli ~ The Intimacy Dojo
If you’re new to tapping, we have a free EFT Tapping Course here.
We make these workshops freely available, and… like (almost) everything in business they take money to make possible. If you can include $+ with you registration, THANK YOU!
Appreciate You! Our inbox is open!
With love,
Rick & Cathy ~ ThrivingNow
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule private sessions here
P.S. Adira says, “Sometimes it is in the getting close but not QUITE catching that makes me giggliest…”
If you feel like taking a step back, take it. Pause. Feel. Get Clear.
If you sense you want to get closer, make an invitation connected more deeply to What Matters to you.
These are two proven approaches for finding Right Distance Right Depth.
They honor that some of our sensors may need a bit more space (and if we don’t give ourselves that we might “need” to run for the exit!)
They recognize that for freedom kin, going deeper and getting closer is natural, even desired.
But do we just leap there? Or do we stay savvy and offer an invitation to more depth of sharing and co-creating… and see if there is a Yes-Yes?
Finding the “just right” engagement is dynamic. It changes from person to person, with the emotional weather, and with seasons of life. It’s a Real Skill… and so appropriate to explore together in Monday’s workshop. We hope you’ll join us.
Replay is belowAppreciate You! Our inbox is open!
With love,
Rick & Cathy ~ ThrivingNow
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule private sessions here
P.S. Adira says, “I’m not even 3 yet I’ve learned life has its ups and downs. Doesn’t mean we can glower and grin and laugh and love!”
We welcome your insights, ah-ha’s, and sharing. Please! Click [Reply]
[00:00:00] Not too close, but not too far. Just right, engaging, and relating. ,
[00:00:06] I’m Rick from ThrivingNow, this is a Real Skills Workshop. And Cathy and I are excited to do this because we believe that there are certain concepts that when they become part of our approach to Awareness, consciousness Exactly, that just having it Changes our sense of freedom.
[00:00:33] And this is one of them. I’ve called it right distance, right depth. Today we’re gonna be talking about not too close, not too far. Um, so Cathy, what does that mean to you? Not too close, not too far. Um, to me, it means being in the moment, being present with my needs, the ecosystem, the other person, kind of a dance.
[00:00:57] I used to think that if I would get close enough to someone, we would have this Like we would be close and we would be this close all the time and any deviation was a sign things were failing. Like it was, this is, we were close, this is it. And that is very suffocating and not very alive. Um, and I think that all of us inhale and exhale.
[00:01:18] Rick and I, there’s some days where I feel a little grumpy with him, where he feels a little grumpy with me. We’re really close, but we can still feel a little shift in and out. There’s days where, like, just like before this call started, we were having a great conversation, we were really engaged, we almost were late for the call.
[00:01:34] I feel very, very close to him and warm. And there’s other days where he might be really tired, or I might be really tired, and there’s just not that. So to me, it’s like, kind of like, we’re doing this dance, and we’re staying. pretty deep. We’re, we’re very well connected, but there’s not a rigid rigidity. And there’s other people in my life where I’m like, there might be a lot more sway.
[00:01:54] Oh, I feel close to today. Not so close tomorrow. I haven’t talked to you in five years. Let’s talk. Let’s have lunch and have a great time. I think being really mindful and aware and present with what fits for you and then setting intentions and creating that or inviting that or asking for that or looking for people that fit that can help us create.
[00:02:15] I think more and more I’m realizing part of survival and thriving is managing our ecosystem and creating what we most need to have. I used to think friends would just come in and they were there or they weren’t. Versus, hmm, I can call people up, I can invite them, I can test drive different people to see if I want to go a little deeper with them.
[00:02:37] So, kind of a long winded explanation, but that’s, to me, is like being in this dance with people that, where it feels aligned for myself, for the other person, and in alignment with the ecosystem we’re in. Yeah, and there are different types of dances. There are some dances where you never let go of your partner.
[00:02:57] Ever. Um, and, you know, I do types of dances where there’s no, you’re not actually even paired off. You’re in your dance, you’re in the community dance, you’re in connection with one, two, ten other people, and it’s a dynamic flow. . Um, back when I was younger, I would say I had, uh, attachment issues, that were, you know, trauma induced and other things, but I had some real in that sense of, uh, something is off here.
[00:03:31] Mm-hmm. and I had a binary view. You’re either a, a friend, like I have friendship I have with you or you are not. And that eliminates just about everybody. , um, because. You know, in my life, there have been vanishingly few and precious people like Cathy. Um, but this notion of right distance, right depth, as you, as you heal and as you move into a place where you want to be thriving, as Cathy said, you know, you’re cultivating your own ecosystem.
[00:04:07] What does that mean? Well, you know, if I have. A stream in my ecosystem. I might like looking at it from a distance. I might like going and walking along it. I might like to put my feet in it. I may want to strip naked and jump in and whoo, splash, splash, splash, even if it’s December. I’ve done that around here with streams and, um, people can be the same.
[00:04:32] And sometimes, you know. Even in really deep partnerships, this notion that, uh, we are either deep and close or we’re not, doesn’t actually fit the energetics. It doesn’t, to me, fit the emotional world. Um, there are times… You know, we’re, we are very much cyclical people. And, um, I’m noticing that my, oh, there’s my power power.
[00:05:03] What’s the not plugged in. We’re cyclical people. And so this not too close, not too far is an invitation to. Be in the noticing, in the dynamism, and we’re going to cover some ways that we do that, uh, to keep ourselves. balanced to keep the love alive, to keep the desires, but also to avoid harm and to recognize times when, um, the relationship has changed, that the intentions have changed, the closeness has changed and that that’s okay.
[00:05:48] I believe that that happens naturally as like children become adults and adults become their own parents if they do, or they move away or they move close. Um, So, um, Cathy, did you want to start us off with, you know, the one of the first aspects of this? I would love to, and I just, I just want to say that if you’re looking at this, most people just take this for granted.
[00:06:14] It’s like, it’s a fish in water, they don’t consider the right depth, or they just think that, you know, it is what it is. And I want to just Let me just remind you that if you’re looking at this, you’re giving yourself new power. You’re giving yourself new awarenesses and new possibilities. As you, like, identify, if you consciously are become aware, Wow, I really feel fulfilled with this person.
[00:06:38] I’m enjoying them. I think I’d even like to deepen this relationship. Now you have awareness and words that you can go to that person and say, Hey, you know, I noticed we get together once a month or having coffee or whatever. And I feel so good afterwards. I would really like to spend a little more time with you.
[00:06:56] Can we talk about something we might want to do together? Is there some class you’ve wanted to take forever that you’d like to take with me? Or is there something you might want to create with me? Um, just invitation to create that. To bring more of something that’s working for you in. And, We, when, once we start being more aware as well, we can start letting go of the number.
[00:07:18] The first thing that people often are bringing to these relationships is pretense. We’re pretending the relationship is working. We’re pretending we’re liking this person. Pretending it’s working for us because we’re getting a little nutrients. We’re getting, we are social beings. We do want connection.
[00:07:36] And maybe we’re getting enough connection out of that relationship to give us some amount of the nutrient we need. We’re getting a little vitamin C, a little bit connection, but we’re not really getting a lot. And I think that when we can be more objectively aware of what the relationship is bringing to us, versus pretending it’s working, pretending we’re happy, pretending we’re, we’re, things are good, we start being making a lot better decisions.
[00:08:06] And I think it’s challenging for us because so many of us are brought up, we got to be friends with people mom and dad said we got to be friends with, or whoever teacher put it paired us up with in school. We had to make do. We had to make do. Tap, tap, tap. Let’s just, even though I had to make do. Even though I had to make do.
[00:08:27] And that didn’t always fit my needs. And that definitely didn’t always fit my needs. But I learned to pretend. But I learned to pretend. It’s considered socially nice to pretend. It’s considered socially nice to pretend. But I’ve been pretending to me too.
[00:08:50] But I’ve been pretending to me too. And I’m ready to start seeing this more clearly. and I’m ready to start seeing this more clearly. I did make do with a lot of people… I did make do with a lot of people… I bra I didn’t ask for what I wanted… I didn’t ask for what I wanted… I pretended to like what they liked…
[00:09:11] I pretended to like what they liked… I pretended to like THEM when I didn’t like them… I even pretended occasionally to like them when I didn’t like them… I’d really under the nose, I’d really like to see things more clearly. , that one hit a, I’m getting a hot flash. Excuse me.
[00:09:36] Whoa. Let’s go to the chip point. I’m ready to see this more clearly. I’m ready to see this more clearly. Collarbone, I can still be socially polite when it’s right. I can be socially polite when it’s right. Under the arm, but I don’t have to pretend to myself anymore. But I don’t have to pretend to myself anymore.
[00:10:00] Top of that, and with the right people, I can start being more honest about what I want and need. And with the right people, I can be more honest, I think, with what I want and need. Just take a breath.
[00:10:17] I do think it is possible. I’ve had some friends where, as I got more clear on what I wanted, I just said, Hey, I notice that we’re almost always doing everything you want. I’d like to do, I’d like to change a few things. And the relationship became so much better, more fulfilling. Um, it really fit for me. Um, and there were other relationships where as I started getting more real, they just were like, eh, this is not gonna work!
[00:10:45] Because we were barely, the connection was so limited anyway, and only the pretense was keeping it together. And as soon as I started saying, you know, I don’t like those kind of movies, I’d really like to go see a different kind of movie, or do something different, there was just, It broke. Um, let’s see if I can fix my color temp.
[00:11:04] So do you want to share what you were experiencing? You had a big epiphany. Well, I, uh, we do tapping and if that was new to you and you’ve never seen it before, thriving now. com slash tapping is a place that you can get the guy, but you can listen and tap along with us. It’s a, an emotional technology. And for me, when I’m, when I’m looking at something that matters to me so much like connection and.
[00:11:29] Engaging in a way that supports my thriving and others. Um, what Cathy just did with us and is to look at the things that kind of mess up our energy. Um, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t have really landed on, uh, pretending, but that’s something that she brought to us. And that’s why we come together in a workshop is that I don’t pretend I’ve always, I’ve always been viewed by others as like unable to pretend like, wait, if I don’t like someone I’ve been told I don’t hide it well.
[00:12:10] And yet. You know what? I probably can or have and I, a couple of people came to mind that, um, wow. Uh, and so that’s when I got a flood of energy and having done that, I feel more connected to myself. We’re We use tapping to quiet the noise with respect, like, Oh, that pretending that’s noisy, if I have to pretend there’s a part of me that, that the right distance is, uh, really far away.
[00:12:48] So. I can’t even think about, like, it, that’s the kind of thing that if it’s, like, I just, I’m done with pretending. If that’s true for you, but you’re noticing that you’re not really also being attracted to people, that, um, you wouldn’t have to pretend. Um, that can be that, that, I don’t, I’m so done with, that, that’s so loud that it’s actually acting as a limit.
[00:13:17] And so that’s where looking at the evidence, like, I want to be close, but I’m not, I’m not actually moving closer to anyone. Um, tapping can help clear that. Looking at the reality, um, with acknowledgment. Um, it’s uncomfortable to be aware of when we pretended, it’s uncomfortable to feel in our body like, you know, I needed more distance, and I didn’t take it, and I, my body still is trying to remind me, um, yeah.
[00:14:00] You actually didn’t sign on for that kind of emotional, um, chaos, uh, fire, vomit, um, or other challenges, and if you, if you stayed, looking at the reality and the evidence, um, can help you be here now. Like, okay, that was then I’m feeling like my body’s extracting the wisdom. I’ve got this model of, Hey, right.
[00:14:32] Distance, right. Depth. That was definitely like too, too, too close. And this might be really useful for us in this workshop is to think what was a situation where maybe it was, Oh yeah, this is great. This is the right closest. And then all of a sudden it changes or over a period of time, you start. You can feel your body going, Hey, Hey, uh, taking a step away would be good.
[00:15:01] Um, and it can be a person. It can also be a situation. Some people like if their, their work is becoming. That, um, they’ll like try to get closer, go deeper, you know, go more intense. Like I’ll throw my more of myself into it. This is an opportunity to give yourself permission to step back a half a step, a full step, three paces.
[00:15:27] And like, Oh, do you notice that half a step, full step, three paces, like just moving my hands that different. I feel different from the situation you can use like, okay, we’re like this. Ah, okay. This can also be a situation around other people, like a dynamic that you feel like you’re maybe a little too close to, and like, hmm, what if I lean back, you know, that, that old, yeah.
[00:16:00] Can we do a quick, um, alignment for the I think a lot of times we get signals from our bodies that are telling us when we were too close, but we’ve learned to ignore them because when we were little, we didn’t have a choice. We had the kids suck on Bob and sit on it and Sue’s lap or like whatever it was.
[00:16:18] We had to do things that we didn’t want to do. And we learned to adapt, but our, our body does know what’s right for us. We have feelings. So if you would just take a nice gentle breath
[00:16:33] and imagine someone that was. Just a little bit too much in your space. Think of someone in your life that’s been, they’re either a little too close, or a little too emotionally close. They’re like, you’re, just notice in your mind, oh I really wanted to get away from them a little bit. Maybe you wanted to run away completely, or just a little bit.
[00:16:53] And notice what you, the sensations in your body. Is it, like, is your breath short? Uh, are your muscles tight? Uh, you know, is there, like, wanting to pull away or protect yourself? Just notice that, because that, there’s an honesty in that. We can think things through in our brain and create all kinds of stories, but our body, that kind of pulling away or whatever it is that we want to, That you might feel when you think of someone too close, that’s a signal, hey, that there’s something off here and I need to get in my head and look at this and I need to be with my body and notice what it’s asking for.
[00:17:31] All right. And now just take a nice deep breath and maybe shake that off if that feels right. Now notice someone that maybe stayed a little bit further from you than you wanted. Maybe you wanted to be emotionally close, or you wanted to hug them. Notice, like, maybe there’s a longing in your heart. Notice how your body feels.
[00:17:51] Again, our brain can make up all kinds of stories. They didn’t do this, I didn’t, I wasn’t enough, whatever. We’re trying to get past that to the actual sensations. Is there an ache in your heart? Like a leaning forward, uh, uh, like your hands wanting to reach out. You know, what is going on in your, in your body around this?
[00:18:12] Just notice that for a minute and breathe. There’s nothing wrong. It’s just, we’re looking for signals from our system, from our, our body system, which is very wise to let us know what it is. We want to just take a gentle breath and shake that off. And now notice imagine or remember some time when someone was the right distance from you, like they were, you wanted to be close and they were close or you wanted to be a little further apart.
[00:18:39] And they, they were really. They were in tune to what you needed or aligned with it. And just notice how your body feels when you’re with someone that’s really kind of being in the flow with you. You might feel relaxed. You might notice your shoulders going down in your muscles, relaxing, or you just have a sense of peace or whatever.
[00:18:57] Just notice the actual sensations in your body.
[00:19:03] And we’re good. Well, the idea is we want to find more people that let us feel this way. And we want to set more balance, set better boundaries, set situations. So we can find this feeling of most of the time. This person honors my space is attuned with my space and I’m able to get what I need from the relationship.
[00:19:28] Just take a nice breath and thank you for going on that journey with us if you did. Again, you always want to get into the actual body sensations because there’s a truth to that, a truth in that that gets us past the pretense that we might bring. Our brain has been trained to say, Oh, of course I like this person.
[00:19:45] We’ve been friends since third grade. You may not have wanted to be friends since third grade, but our brain will justify it. It’s cost sunk analysis where we put all these decades in there. So we must want to be friends still versus. I don’t actually like this person or I don’t want to be close in this direction.
[00:20:04] I might want, we want to be closer in another direction. I’m glad that helped
[00:20:08] One of the interesting things for me is that sense of rightness is
[00:20:17] even with relationships that we value, there can be that, Oh, A little too close, a little too far, um, and having this as part of the relationship dynamic in a conscious way. I will say that the conversations that I’ve had with, with my partner, Jim, um, around right distance, right depth have been so helpful because, um, You know, being a mom, she’s sometimes touched out, right?
[00:20:56] Like she’s been touched constantly. And, you know, um, it allows, it allows me to relax into, uh, right. Closeness for her is. Like looking at me fondly from 30 feet away, knowing that I’m picking up on the fact that she’s all touched out and it’s, it’s not quite Namaste away. Um, but it’s, it’s a recognition that closeness, if I’m feeling like right, closeness is physical touch.
[00:21:40] I, I can be aware of that. And what’s interesting is that as. As you practice this, as we practice this, what I will notice is Okay, I, I am noticing that I want physical closeness, and as I feel into this person I’d like to be physically close to, what I might feel is an energetic closeness, but not the actual physical drawing toward asking for it.
[00:22:15] Um, if I’m in primitive brain that’s different, I might ask for a hug and just get a yes or a no, uh, because I, I’m not in my body enough. to be able to get clear. But there’s this whole realm of savvy relating, which is what this workshop is about, which gives us so much information to navigate with, with, with savvy, the people around us.
[00:22:41] It’s, um, I’ll say there’s something that you want to share and it’s really vulnerable. You may like, Oh, I love that this person is the type of person I’m drawn. This is, this is actually specifically the person I want to share this with. And I noticed that my throat, I’m not afraid. Like, I’m not scared. I’m not, um, I might have vulnerability stuff rising, but I may not get the yes from my body.
[00:23:13] So part of this is of, you know, the right distance as in let’s not get burned, let’s not harm ourselves or others. Then there’s also the beauty of like, what’s the right timing? Um, it is now the time to open that door to closeness. Um, And one of the things I’ve noticed is if I allow that, like, Oh, I feel that putting the words out might actually not, it’s not the right time for that.
[00:23:47] It might that the person may want to move away to process it because they don’t have a lot of resource. Um, this is fun. And especially with people that are. Anywhere remotely on the same wavelength around emotional freedom, being able to, to say, hey, you know, um, the, the, the not too close, not too far for me is sort of a changing thing.
[00:24:12] Like, sometimes I love hugs. Sometimes I don’t, or I always love hugs, but. You know, I navigate a world where some people don’t, and, um, I’d love to figure out how to signal each other and share with each other around those things. Um, this, this layer of savvy relating is where the kind of the thriving love connections, the thriving co creating can happen.
[00:24:40] And often it starts with some relationships where being with the evidence of where things are right now, um, I want to be closer and there’s not, I’m not feeling any openness. Um, that’s uncomfortable, makes me want to cry a little bit. Um, we were once so close, as close as two people have ever been. And you know, we, they went east, I went west.
[00:25:09] We’re not, we’re. We’re diverging in our, uh, In our intentions, in what matters to us and the like, and the way that we nourish, we want to be nourished. Um, I want more freedom, they want more obligation, those types of things. And that’s going to be uncomfortable and like, sometimes a heart wrenching, sickening sort of discomfort too.
[00:25:35] And I also think the more we honor it, the more we find people that are aligned with us. I don’t like obligation. Um, I like to find people that… We’ll be very clear. Like I have, I’m running a class with someone else right now and we’re both really clear. You will show up unless you’re sick. Like there’s certain things we’re committed to doing, but there’s a lot of freedom around that.
[00:25:55] Um, and I, my friend Monique wouldn’t mind me sharing. I’m sure she was here visiting and we had planned, we had the afternoon to ourselves and we had planned to go to the Barbie movie and have a nice dinner. And I had to go in the work into work in the morning and I had a miserable time at work. Like I was, Like, leaving frothing at the mouth.
[00:26:14] And so I realized if I came in the door and she was all excited and verbally, it was going to be too much for me. I was going to, like, bring some resentment and stuff in. So I pulled over halfway home and I texted her and I said, Monique, I’m so sorry. I’m going to come in the house. I’m going to go to my room.
[00:26:30] I’m not going to even say hello to you. I’m going to pout and sulk for about an hour and take a nap and hope to hopefully reset. I’m not up to the movie, but if you want to watch a blow em up movie, where especially certain peeps, uh, men at that moment, are all blown up, um, I am glad to watch that with you and we can order food in.
[00:26:48] Let me know what works for you. And so she said, she texted me back when I pulled in the driveway, there was a text. Great. I’m going to go into my room until I hear you go into your room. So you don’t even have to deal with me. Um, I went into my room, I pouted and soaked, I took a nap, I came out and I’m like, I’m still in a grumpy mood, but I’m, I’m at least.
[00:27:08] Like I can be around other humans. And she’s like, great. Um, I’m so glad we’ll sit on opposite ends of the couch. Do you want to talk about it? I said, no, I just want to watch a movie where men get blown up. And she’s like, do you know which one you want to watch? I said, atomic blonde. I want Cherie, uh, Shirley’s.
[00:27:26] I can’t say her name thrown to blow up all the men. She’s like. I have not seen that. I would love to watch it and we watched it. We had a great time by then I was over myself. We had a lovely dinner, but I was able to be honest with her. Now she’s a very resourced, resilient person. If she hadn’t wanted to do any of those things, she might’ve said, great, I’m going to go find, I have friends in town or whatever, I might go out and do something on my own or whatever.
[00:27:49] But we found a really fun, I was honest, I didn’t try to pretend. And in the past I would have tried to pretend. And tried to smile and tried to like, act like everything was okay. I wouldn’t be taking care of myself. And there would be some, there would be a lot of dishonesty in the relationship. There’d be resentment and pretending in the relationship, which I think is not healthy for the kind of relationships.
[00:28:14] I want to build really deeply. There are people that I interact with where I am perfectly content to pretend for the time we have to deal with each other. When I go to the DMV, I will pretend to like the person, like I’ll be pleasant and nice. I can appreciate that they have to sit in those chairs all day and I’m sorry for them.
[00:28:32] But, I don’t have to like, Be real with them, necessarily, but for real relationships that I want to sustain me in my life, that I want to, I’m invested in the other person. I want honesty and I want to build that in the, it’s a muscle, like you don’t necessarily start off with something, what Monique and I did, we’ve known each other for like 12 years and we’ve practiced this over the years, but I could do the same with Rick.
[00:28:59] He doesn’t get to come out here very often, but if I, if we were supposed to get together, if we were hanging out and we’re supposed to do something fun and one of us needed to change, I trust that we would tell the other person because we want that honesty. We want the lack, you know, and I do sometimes tell my friends, Hey, if I do this, I’m going to be resentful.
[00:29:17] And I don’t want that in our relationship. I want to keep our relationship healthier than that. So you can build that. Um, and I think it’s just really powerful to be able to say that and have the other person totally respect and care that you’re taking care of yourself. Um, so I just wanted to share that because I like having a vision of what something might look like.
[00:29:39] I hope I don’t have many days like that. That was a very miserable morning. I did not enjoy it. But I love that I had a friend here that could, that could kind of go with that, that change. And I didn’t have to pretend. I could be clear what I needed. I could be objective about what I wanted. So I’d like to ask the group, um, something.
[00:30:02] So Cathy just shared that she pulled over and she texted somebody that was looking forward to a particular experience. And she’s saying that ain’t going to happen. Now,
[00:30:19] if you try that on, how does it feel to you taking care of yourself, communicating what your needs are, where you are, um, and giving someone else that kind of, of clear communication. If you want to share, you can do so in the chat.
[00:30:47] And you’re welcome to raise your hand if you’d like. Sure, if you don’t mind being on video on the recording, um, you’re welcome to raise your hand. The, um,
[00:31:01] I, I believe that when we, um, one of the things we want to do in these workshops is to share Like, where do you get to if you’ve had a relationship for 12 years that has been one where you’ve tried out different levels of, um, boldness, clarity, communication, and the like? Um, I think for, for me, when I was starting out with that, as I put myself back in that place, there was, um,
[00:31:41] the uncomfortableness of getting a reaction back. Which, uh, I wasn’t necessarily resilient enough at the time. And so if, if you’re stopped at all from having that kind of bold communication, it’s, you’re still right here right now, developing this skill because you can at least be with it. Like I’m aware that I am not ready for the plans that we have set, but I’m also not feeling resilient to the disappointment.
[00:32:17] I actually feel more resilient. showing up and pretending that I’m okay continuing the plans. For those of us that coped a lot, are, we may be really strong at coping. Um, and you know,
[00:32:43] when it comes to, uh, you know, I, I, I need to take care of myself today. I, I feel depleted or in a place where I need to reset. And so I need to change our plans, even though I’m disappointed to the hand raise. Would you like to.
[00:33:09] Thank you. Yeah. Um, this is something that is not e trail towards others. I’m really letting them down. And this summer I had an opportunity to really practice it with my coaching business. And, um, Where we had a situation with my dog that got attacked and I needed to change plans, just like that, and I found myself still wanting to try to try to make it work to meet with people and I ended up meeting with one person.
[00:33:53] And it really, really, really reinforced to me how I. When I have another opportunity that I really need to pay attention because I wasn’t able to be there be present for the other person in a way that I hold myself to, and I needed to the next time I met with that client. I acknowledged where I had been and how difficult it had been also for me to say, Hey, I’m not really available.
[00:34:34] Yeah, I love that you shared that. Thank you so much. Um, I think there’s, it’s a level of honesty that’s hard to reach. A lot of times we think we can do it all. We’re kind of taught that, that we should. And I think there’s a lot of just telling the client, like, I know that there’s. Or a friend. I know that you were looking forward to this, you were planning on this, and I’m so sorry, I think saying I’m sorry, I get that this could be disappointing for you, but there are times like if my cat was, when my cat was sick, I would like, I have to cancel if I have to take her to the vet.
[00:35:05] She’s my priority. I will reschedule with someone, but if my cat is in a life threatening So, issue I’m going to take her to the vet. Um, so I can honor that. And, um, yeah, I think it’s a, it’s a practice that we build as we get older, maybe, and we clear old, old traumas out. Maybe we can see it better, but I love that you were able to see that and acknowledge that for yourself, rather than just beating yourself up for not being super woman.
[00:35:35] Thank you. Yeah, a couple other people’s sharing to, um, that they, some people, someone shared that they didn’t have, have a handful of people they can do that with, but there’s room for improvement, um, and people that have a lot of obligate, they feel obligated to, it’s harder, if not impossible to do that.
[00:35:55] And I think 12 years ago, I mean, I did have a headache. I was having a really rough day. I think I would have said, Hey, I have a really bad headache. I can’t make it versus just sharing what I needed. Um, That I love the fact that because I could share more nuances with this person that I trusted, we were able to salvage, you know, I spent that one hour in my room, but we were able to salvage a really fun app.
[00:36:15] We, the rest of the day was pretty fun. Um, I’d like to do a tapping there around obligated and whether we feel free, um, to, to take the space that we need. Um, and also just to introduce. Um,
[00:36:38] have you noticed in your life that your body may be supporting you and giving you the right distance through something like a headache or through something else that feels like, Oh, well, that actually is a good excuse, meaning, or an excuse that I, I feel and maybe they feel is acceptable? Um, It’s really uncomfortable.
[00:37:08] I’ve done a lot of tapping on this and it still remains uncomfortable to realize how much in order to be excused from things that I really needed more distance from a headache, a crushing headache, one that where people looked at your face and they go, wow, you must have a really bad headache. Um, I. I really latched on to that, uh, you know, and in, and in school, like, if I was sick to my stomach, um, I got out of school, no wonder I learned to have digestive problems when I was in a situation.
[00:37:50] Um, so this is part of tying in, right, you know, giving ourselves space, and this is. Please feel free to adapt the words. That’s one of the beautiful things about tapping. You’ll notice I do that to model it with Cathy. I love the way that she taps and I changed the words, um, with what’s coming up for me.
[00:38:13] Even though some people want me to be obligated, even though some people want me to be obligated, even though they might not admit it, even though they might not admit it, and some people I do feel obligated to, and some people I do feel obligated to, and some people just make such a stink and some people just make such a stink.
[00:38:35] How do I get right distance? How do I get right distance? Top of that? Well, Rick used to give himself headaches. . Well, Rick used to give himself headaches. I would never do that. Eyebrow. How do I give myself permission? How do I give myself permission? Side of the eye. How do I give myself permission? How do I give myself permission in?
[00:39:05] Yeah. How bad does it have to be? How bad does it have to be? step back. Or an hour off. Or an hour.
[00:39:19] Sometimes
[00:39:25] it’s hard to give myself permission. Sometimes it is hard to give myself permission to take that step back. To take that step back. And I want that to be clearer and more confident. And I want that to be clearer and more confident. They are going to have their feelings. They are gonna have their feelings.
[00:39:46] They may even have objections, they may even have objections. Hmm. But I wanna be close enough to my truth to know what’s right for me. And I want to be close enough to my truth to know what’s right for me.
[00:40:04] And I just want to clarify one thing Rick said, um, because we’re really in alignment in it, but it could be taken out of context. People, their bodies hurt sometimes. We’re not saying that people are making themselves not feel well. Um, and our body will often respond to our needs, and if we can’t vocalize our needs or, or set verbal boundaries, it will come out.
[00:40:26] Some other way. So I just want to make sure, like, I love that you said, give, give myself a headache because I think emotionally would create that. But it’s not that people are at fault for getting headaches or anything like that. I still get headaches from exercise, from pleasures. I might go dancing and my neck is like, Uh, um, and part of our role and vulnerability is to recognize that, you know, I did have a headache.
[00:40:56] I wasn’t faking it and it wasn’t the only like the built up kind of being too close. It’s a bit like if I’m too close to a fire, initially I’m uncomfortable and then I’m hot and then I, my skin may actually literally be damaged, um, in a way that I might have a flush for a day or two after if I don’t give myself the right distance.
[00:41:25] And of course there is actual harm if you get too close to a fire. Um, emotionally I’ve just noticed the same thing in me that, um, if I don’t feel like I can move that step away or give myself space or get to a cooler energy, um, or a warmer energy, um, that That impacts my physio emotional body. I have a physio emotional body.
[00:41:57] And like, we’re, as, as sensitive people, if I’m aware of when I might not feel free to say something, there’s a beautiful thing, like, I noticed one time after I tapped on, even though I just do not feel free, To say what’s up here. So I’m gonna go along or I’m gonna lie. Um, I, it took my empathy by accepting my own limits.
[00:42:36] I started noticing someone would be uncomfortable, or they would be lying, or they would, um, You know, be pretending and a part of me picked up on that that was happening, but I didn’t have good differentiation. It felt like, Oh, it must be me. It must be my fault. I’m doing something wrong when in a. In a thriving relationship, there are edges where, you know, it might be just way too vulnerable right now for someone to say, you know, I, I can’t be with you because my, my animals dying, because just to say that they might break down and cry, and they’re not ready to cry.
[00:43:26] They don’t, they’ve been crying. This is their moment when they’re not, whatever the reason. I’m going to pick up on the fact that there’s something that’s not being shared. I know that I do that too, and I’ve sat with the discomfort of that and the understanding. I can be like, okay, that’s part of looking at the emotional evidence.
[00:43:55] Say, hey, there may be a safety thing going on here between me and this person, and there might be a time. I, I would love for there to be a time I would, I’m going to be attuning myself to making it easier and easier for them to say no, or share what’s true for them. Well, I’m building up the muscles. I love the analogy that you gave.
[00:44:19] Go ahead. I love the analogy of being too close to the fire because most of us, if we were, if we’re hanging out with friends around the fire and we were too close, we’re actually feeling like our skin’s getting burned. We don’t have a problem saying. Whoa, I need to back away from the fire. And if we’re so far back that we’re, you know, cold winter night, we’re really cold, we can feel frostbite coming in.
[00:44:39] We’re like, there’s actually something physically going on. I can ask for a blanket or I can ask it close to the fire. I think emotionally, a lot of us have learned to tune that out. Energetically, we tune it out. We don’t make it important. And it is actually as important as being burned by a fire or being left out in the cold.
[00:44:57] Doesn’t mean the other person’s obligated to give that to us, but we can ask for it, and we can find people where that’s a good fit. And if we’re too close, we can, like, we can say, Hey, I do get to protect myself just as much as if I was getting blisters on a fire.
[00:45:15] You often do pre frames, um, with me. I, I You’re exceptional at it. I try to be good at it. Um, like, Hey, if it’s not a yes for you, please know that I’m fine or I’m okay. Um, and in situations where I’m picking up that there might be, um, a lack of, they, they may not feel the safety that actually exists. I might say something like, um, yeah, I was checking in about us.
[00:45:49] You know, going and doing this together and just just to be clear. I would love. I’m looking forward to spending time with you. And, um, if it’s not a real strong, yes, for you, for whatever reason, I am totally. Okay. And I’m. I am interested in, um, rescheduling if that’s what’s true for you. Um, that was a lot of words.
[00:46:13] Um, and sometimes they come out as a lot of words. I have done this with, with some people that have never ever had somebody in their life that made it easy for them to feel into what is right for them. I remember someone said, thanks, I’m just so tired. I said, yeah, yeah, let’s reschedule. And, and a week later, they said that was the first time I had downtime in months.
[00:46:48] And I just took care of myself. I got some tea. I got a warm blanket. I just sat and read a nice book of poetry. Thank you for making it so easy for me to. Love myself and love our relationship by, by doing that. Um, that’s the, we space part of this. Um, I think that’s, so I love telling Rick, Hey, it’s like, I’m fine if you’re no, I also sometimes say I really could use to talk.
[00:47:17] So like, if you have it in you, I can like, and I have another friend I’ve actually gotten, so I’ll text him and I’ll say it’s a three out of 10. If you have time to talk, I’d love to, or it’s like, it’s like an eight out of 10. I really like. You know, or 10, I’m melting down. If you’re not on fire, can you please call me?
[00:47:34] He still can say no. He has that right. And I’m giving him some context to know, like, how important it is. And I think that’s useful, too. When I was talking to Monique, I think my words made it clear. This is a 10 out of 10. We’re not doing this. And there’s other times when I might say, like, We’ve, we’ve both, we’ve We have this theory that my couch is a black hole because we get, we’ll get on there and we’re like watching some series or something.
[00:47:58] And we’re like, we’re going to watch one. And then we’re going to go get some work done. And we’re kind of looking at each other. Like I kind of can watch another episode if you want to. And you know, it’s like, we could get up and do work, but we’re both like, yeah, let’s watch it. So like, it’s. You know, and I think that is useful, and it’s nice to let people know how much people that are invested in you, they want to know, and there’s times when Rick’s really needed to talk, or I know Rick’s been there for me when I really needed to talk when it wasn’t really aligned for him, and sometimes that’s okay.
[00:48:29] We get to do that. We get to choose that. I want it to be a conscious choice. That we’re opting into and not resenting the other person because we feel obligated or because we feel forced. Um, we’re going to take our break here, but I wanted to, I wanted to share, um, someone said it feels freeing to just be myself and let other others know my needs.
[00:48:50] My family and I had a conversation before we went on vacation together about each of each one of us getting our needs met during the vacation. We all had a wonderful time together and apart. People were able to slow down, rest and go on adventures on their own or together. It was wonderful. Thank you. Um, the, uh, And notice that together and apart, needs met.
[00:49:18] My needs match your needs. My, my needs allow for you to get your particular needs met for solitude or adventure or synchronicities or whatever that comes that way. That’s a beautiful flow and that will bring us into the next, next point when we come back. Yeah. So we’re going to take a seven minute break and then we’ll be back.
[00:49:42] If there’s something that’s, you just feel it and it’s ready, please put it in the chat. We’d love for that to help guide and inform the last part of the workshop. Yes. Welcome back. Yes. So I think we’ve already kind of touched on this one. And when we’re talking about the being objective, but one of the is located, I’ve been Rick, are you being with the flow of things like Rick was talking about inhaling and exhaling?
[00:50:17] I love the example. The person gave in the, in the chat about like, One of the nicest vacations I’ve ever had is where we had a shared suite and they would say, um, I’m going to, I’d love to go to dinner at this time. I’m going to be off doing my thing this afternoon. And if you want to meet me for dinner, great.
[00:50:35] If not, just let me know. And we just kind of, there was inhale and exhale. There was time to take a nap. There was time to do stuff together. There’s time to do stuff apart. And I think that, For a lot of people, there’s a lot, people with trauma often have attachment issues. It doesn’t mean that they’re bad or wrong, it’s just, it’s part of what happened as they were growing up, where they’re either anxiously attached, meaning they’re trying to hold on all the time, which, you know, like, just trying to hold their breath, maybe.
[00:51:02] Um, and there’s people that are really afraid avoidant. So that they’ve learned that it’s dangerous to be too close to people. So like basically exhaling all the time. And there’s people that are, um, they call it disorganized attachment where they have a little bit of both of those, where they’re like trying to inhale, inhale and exhale at the same time, maybe like they’re pulling and pushing at the same time.
[00:51:26] And then there’s secure attachment where it’s like, Oh, I know that for my, my system, my, my body, my body, my brain know that you’re probably going to show up for me most of the time. There’s going to be times when he won’t be there, but. I feel secure about our attachment. Um, so it can be really hard to have that to go with the flow when we have attachment issues.
[00:51:48] And as we clear traumas, we can clear out, we do tapping, whatever it is, whatever work we do, we start releasing those attachment issues. We start finding people, the more we cultivate people who are safe to be around, the more we teach our body that there are people that are secure, that people are going to stay around for us and not smother us.
[00:52:09] Um, so that lets us go with the flow more. So one of the, I share that because I want people to not shame themselves if they don’t go with the flow. I used to never go with the flow. I had a script for how everything was going to go because I was so freaking scared. I needed everything like written out and we had to do it the order I said and the time we said and I was going to get really unhappy if we didn’t.
[00:52:32] And as I’ve healed more, it’s been a lot more easy to go, Huh, I know he said we’re going to go see the Barbie movie. I am not up to the Barbie movie. What, you know, or maybe you’re not up to the Barbie movie. What can we, is there a place we want to dance together or do we want to just have an exhale for a moment and then we can inhale later?
[00:52:50] And like, as opposed to taking it as one time we didn’t get really, we didn’t do what we said, it’s the end of the relationship. It’s obviously proof that everything is falling apart. So being with that flow, not having a script, I think is really powerful. Now I’m going to add something really wooboo.
[00:53:12] You can be giving each other solitude and distance physically. And you’re actually on a energetic level. You’re getting really deep and close about what you value. Like I value my solitude. My partner values her solitude. And so. If even if I want like physical closeness, if that’s not the yes, yes, there can be like, Oh, the respect for each other’s needs individually and together.
[00:53:51] There can be in the, in the realm of. Not in the primitive brain, but in the hardistry of relating and the savvy of relating deeply and engaging with people deeply. There can be concurrently a um, I’m respecting our divine, the divine filtering that’s taking us in different directions. So that can be a closeness to the very personal, yes, this is my value, can also be a closeness if it’s a shared value that um, We can, we may find our, ourselves going in different directions, but that doesn’t make us broken up or enemies.
[00:54:43] It may be that the only place that we relate anymore is in the, the deep respect that we have for one another. This was really helpful in recalibrating my sense of resilience. That, um, because I don’t actually completely utterly say goodbye and disconnect from any. anyone that mattered to me closely. So if someone is in that inner circle at any point, I, they were there and we meant something for each other and with each other.
[00:55:21] There was a dance there. And even if it ended in, in some chaos or exit velocity, there’s a part of my being. Not everyone feels this. But it’s definitely a part of my being. And I think it’s part of, from what I see, a lot of the people in our community of like, I want to hold a good space for them, a level of respect.
[00:55:43] Um, It may include a boundary, which says, you know, I love you, but I cannot be at all in connection with you in text video or anything else. I do not like that is a possibility for right distance right depth is to hold, um, no desire for them. To be blown up. Um, and again, like on the vibrational scale, revenge thoughts are up from despair.
[00:56:14] Um, uh, we’ve taught that, uh, but it’s for me where I want to land with my own self is Um, a place of nonviolence and at least safety and respect that may include the, the fit like we do not fit anymore when our energy comes together. Now, instead of being like 2 magnets that are tracked, we are like, you know, big magnets, electromagnets, trying to force themselves together, um, being able to cultivate a flexibility, uh, like that.
[00:56:57] And then also feeling at the same time when openness comes, like there are people that I’m, I don’t know if I’ll ever communicate with them or spend time in physical presence or dance with them again, and yet they’ll come into my awareness and the right distance is to be like, ah, hello,
[00:57:23] yeah, enjoyed our dance, which reminds me, I’m wanting that. I’m wanting depth in a dance with somebody oftentimes when I’ve noticed in myself that if I can be more resilient than these, these things that come from the past and things that come from connections with others, they can remind me of what’s really a deep need for me now, something that I have a craving for.
[00:57:57] When, when I was trying to survive, my needs were about survival. Like I need to get my needs met. That was my need. Um, when you’re okay. And on the other side of that, like, yeah, things are actually good. Then they’re not depleted. They’re sufficient. What now that there’s going to be, um, um, a different kind, I’ve noticed a different kind of awakening in me that, that feels.
[00:58:29] More like the invitation, uh, the craving, not from desperation, but from growth, like, I believe that a healthy, um, plant or tree, um, reaches, and there’s like, there’s like, oh, hey, Ray, I want to go there. Yeah, flowers, um, relationships, um, Uh, yeah. Um, I like that. They’re, they’re reaching. Um, so would it be okay if we just did a little tapping on the flow?
[00:59:01] Because I think it is hard to step into that, especially if we have some fear base and fear in us. It’s hard to dance with someone relaxed when we’re tense from tightness, fear. Uh huh. Karate chop. Even though I’d really like to be more in the flow. Even though I really would like to be more in the flow.
[00:59:19] I’d like to not mind when they want to go away. Have I’d like to not mind when they want to go away. And I’d love to feel relaxed when they want to get closer.
[00:59:34] I’d love to feel relaxed when they want to get closer. I am where I am right now. I am where I am right now. And I honor that I might have different needs in this moment. And I honor that I may have different needs in this moment. Top of the head, what if I just acknowledged them? What if I just acknowledged them?
[00:59:55] Eyebrow. I can let myself notice that I’m a little afraid and I want reassurance. I can notice that I’m a little afraid and want some reassurance. Side of the eye. With the right person, I can even ask for reassurance. With the right person, I can even ask for reassurance. Under the eye. I notice I’m a little tense when I think about you leaving.
[01:00:17] I notice I’m a little tense when I think about you leaving. Under the nose, I’m worrying myself that you won’t want to come back. I’m worrying myself that you won’t want to come back. Chin, could you let me know if that’s true? Could you let me know if that’s true? Collarbone, oh it feels good to even vocalize what I’m actually feeling.
[01:00:40] It feels good to vocalize what I’m actually feeling. Under the arm. Oh, wait, you want to get closer? Oh, wait. You want to get closer? Above the head. I’m noticing it’s a little hard to breathe right now. I notice it’s a little hard to breathe right now. I’d like to share with you that I feel a little afraid at the thought of you getting a little closer.
[01:01:02] I’d like to share with you I feel a little afraid at the thought of you getting closer. Side of the eye. That it. It does not mean that there’s anything wrong with it. Under the eye, but my nervous system is feeling a little afraid. My nervous system is feeling a little afraid. Under the nose. Could we try it for 30 seconds and then step back?
[01:01:25] Could we try it for 30 seconds and then take a pause? And then I could tune in and see what’s right for me. And then I can tune in and see what’s right for me. Halabon, I’m noticing how relaxed my body feels right now. I notice how relaxed my body feels right now. Under the arm, I want to appreciate you for being in the flow.
[01:01:49] I want to appreciate you for being in the flow. Top of the head, and honoring my different needs. And honoring my different needs. And I want to appreciate myself for the same things. And I want to appreciate myself for the same things. And just take a breath. I know that sounds really weird, and the more I practice that, it’s not telling the other person they’re too close, it’s not telling them they did anything wrong, or that they’re leaving.
[01:02:19] Um, uh, we, We often do that as a, humans do that as a defense mechanism. You’re going to leave me. This is the, this is the end. And the person’s like, versus I’m noticing, I’m feeling a little tense and I’m, I’m worrying myself about this. It leaves a lot more space for people to talk. Rather than telling them about themselves or telling them about the relationship, you’re, you’re telling them about what the thing that you actually can experience and know is yourself, and then inviting what you think will help.
[01:02:49] You’re, okay, I honor that you want to have some time for yourself, and I’m noticing that I’m feeling a little worried about this. Could you verbally reassure me, or would you give me a hug, or could you text me tonight just to let me know that you still care about me? You know, asking for what we want.
[01:03:06] Giving the other person the space to say yes or no. The flow does not mean that we’re just all happy and go lucky with everything that happens. It means we, we can speak about what’s actually happening and request for what we need in that flow. Does that make sense? It does. I’m, I guess what I’m feeling right now in my body is, um, the cast of characters that I would have loved to have been able to say that, that would have been dismissive, even bullying, maybe, um, I would have never said that growing up.
[01:03:39] I would not have been safe. Um, I, and And knowing how dear it is to me that, um.
[01:03:52] I’m not suggesting people say that to just anybody, but the right people, that can be really beautiful to say too.
[01:04:02] Part of the emotional freedom journey, I believe, for all of us, is to understand, like, what our trauma does to us. Um, how we like to cope, what are the things that are helpful and useful for me. Um, and Cathy, I remember early on. Like, uh, one of the ways that tapping helped me is that you would ask for reassurance and I, my knee jerk reaction is, um, what am I doing wrong that she doesn’t feel secure with me?
[01:04:37] And this part of right distance, right depth, I want to, as an empathetic person, I, I want to allow someone their own reactions without it. necessarily being about me. Um, I’ll say that that’s. That’s, that’s such a healthy right distance, right depth. Is that when someone is talking about themselves, like I could really use reassurance.
[01:05:13] I’m feeling angry right now. I know that I am too close if I think that that statement, as neutral as it is, is all about me. I might’ve been the trigger. I might be the influence. I might, I might be sharing the Wii space with them, but if I take a half a step or three paces back from it. And allow them to have their reaction, especially if it feels like a reaction.
[01:05:46] Insecurity, um, the need for reassurance. Um, I, I have a very high need for reassurance. Thank goodness I have spirit buddies that are, I can ask for reassurance. And, you know, a few people like Cathy and others that I can say, Hey, um,
[01:06:08] I want to live in a world where if somebody, would benefit from reassurance, that they would ask for that in the same way that if I was sitting there with a gallon of water and they were really thirsty, parched, like their body, their kidneys are struggling, um, they would say, um, I’m really thirsty. Do you, do you have any water to spare?
[01:06:33] Um, and I’d be like, Yeah, a gallon. How much would you like like I actually have a lot of reassurance to offer if I’m at the right distance, right depth with that. Um, and we get to them to me that that’s right. That’s part of going deeper, and it’s not everyone is safe for this, and people that are chronically in reactivity and defensiveness and other things are not my chosen people to practice with, but if there are people that co regulate well with me, and I think this is one of the things that, um, I look for in terms of right distance, right depth, um, I know that I, I, I benefit, my needs are met well if The closer I get to someone, the more regulated we help each other be.
[01:07:30] If I’m moving closer to someone and they feel less and less regulated, and again, this can be dynamic. I have a almost three year old. Sometimes she really wants me close. Sometimes way
[01:07:46] away. You know, and, and like, if I’m on the other side of the house, it’s a little too close. Um, so it’s not, you can have somebody that most of the time it’s really regulating or often it’s really regulating and that’s, um, that co regulation to me is a, is a signal that there’s an opportunity. It doesn’t mean that it’s going to work out, but the capacity.
[01:08:14] If I share something and I feel myself regulate and they share something and I feel myself helping them regulate and me regulating and feeling understood, that vibe of co regulation, um, there’s an opportunity there to explore. Hey, are you the type of person that likes to reassure your friends how much you appreciate them and what, you know, what you’re noticing and things like that?
[01:08:40] Actually, no, I’m not. I’m just not wired that way. Oh, great. Thanks. I, that helps me navigate. Um, and if you ask me that when I’m regulated, like, yeah, I, I noticed a lot about you that I appreciate that. I’m, I would be delighted an opportunity to reflect it back, um, especially when it would be helpful to you just to ask, Hey, what do you appreciate me for today?
[01:09:08] And so that’s, I hope that’s helpful. No, I think it’s great. And I grew up, my family of origin, you could not sharing that I feel vulnerable or I’m worrying myself would be like painting a big bullseye on myself and saying, please poke here. It’s gonna hurt a lot. If you’re hanging out with people like that.
[01:09:28] Now, I invite you to do some extra tapping show up at group calls or never bring it forward. Because as you clear that, like, we often look for, we’re taught what to look for in terms of relationships when we’re little, if we had dysfunctional parents, or, you know, we’re going through Some toxic stuff in our, in our upbringing.
[01:09:48] It’s really natural to want to look for that, but there are a lot of people. It was hard for me. I didn’t understand why WIC wanted to be my friend and not poke at me or not cause pain. I didn’t, I’m like, when we first became friends, like 16 years ago, I was like, what do you want? Why are you doing this?
[01:10:04] What’s the long game? And it took a while to relax into it. And now I’m able to have, you know, more friends where I can say, hey, I’m feeling worried about this. Are you, do you have the bandwidth to reassure me? So like, choose who you do this with. I, I think that’s that someone wrote in the chat that they’re having, they used to, I’m pretty friendly.
[01:10:25] This person used to really enjoy making friends, for about a year now you’ve, she’s stopped herself or they’ve stopped themselves from making friends because, um, I suddenly dropped the ball because I started feeling panicky and then takes a long time to, uh, an energy to communicate. Um, I think what you wrote right here for the right people, just sending it to them and saying, Hey, listen, I noticed I’m having some stuff coming up around relationships.
[01:10:50] And so when I want to reply to you, I’m feeling really panicky and. I just want to let you know that I care about you. And I’m having trouble communicating my text right now, or I’m having trouble communicating and then bringing this to a group call where you can tap on. Why do you think you’re feeling panicky about connecting to people?
[01:11:09] What is what you dig down a little because a lot of times like, okay, I’m feeling panicky. I’m having trouble identifying what’s going on. Rick is amazing. It kind of like. What’s the story behind this? What are the thoughts? What is, what is it that’s actually stopping you? And then if you could do some tapping and clear it, that might help you move forward with it.
[01:11:28] There might be something there, some belief or thought that you have as you start texting. And I know post COVID, for a lot of people, it’s been harder to connect, but you know, and I also, I’m not someone who really wants to connect deeply by text. You would send me, you know, 10 minutes late. And we’ll.
[01:11:46] Whatever. I love that for text. Please don’t send me a really long text and expect me to connect and reply that way. Email? Sure. Phone call? Yes. So it may not, it may not be your way of doing it as well. So, but it sounds like because of the panicky thing, I’d really encourage you to like bring that to a call where you can dig a little deeper with, with Rick at one of the group calls.
[01:12:10] And there was a request for some suggestions.
[01:12:18] So to, to, when I’m going to communicate something, um, there’s a quality of sharing, getting closer, um, revealing whatever it is. If I don’t know what is stopping me, um, what I do is I start tapping the side of the hand point, and I’ll say, I refuse. I refuse. I ain’t gonna. I ain’t gonna. Uh, you can’t make me.
[01:12:50] You can’t make me. But I want to. But I want to. And I’m stopped. And I’m stopped. And it’s okay. And it’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. I just need a pause here. I just need to pause here. I can tell when I’m, when I’m forcing myself. I can tell when I’m forcing myself. It takes 20 minutes to write two sentences.
[01:13:16] It takes 20
[01:13:23] minutes to write two I took a pause and a step back?
[01:13:32] What if I took a moment. Find some right distance for a moment. And, and literally, like, if your phone’s always with you and you’re trying to write something, take it, and, and roll your chair back, and, like, tap from this distance, like, there’s something here. There’s something here. It’s really uncomfortable.
[01:14:00] Am I, am I, and then you can look at the landscape. And with right distance, right depth, do I have a craving to get closer to this person? Maybe that I don’t feel the, that it’s, I’m not confident or, or, uh, sure I’m taking a vulnerable step. Um, or, um, my, maybe that I’m wanting to create some distance. Maybe it.
[01:14:30] Maybe I’ve got this craving and I don’t want to lay it on them. So I want to tend to my own craving for connection myself in my own writing to myself. Um, I have at times. There was a period of time where I didn’t write a newsletter for like three weeks, and every time I sat down to type, like, I would write a sentence, I’d delete it, I’d write three paragraphs, I’d delete it.
[01:15:01] I would accidentally forget to click save and leave the document. Like, what? And that’s where… I believe that tapping is a tool of just being with it, like staring at the text and noticing what’s coming up, what’s the flood, where is your body not moving. Like, if you stop breathing when you think about, it’s hard to write, clearly, when you’re not breathing.
[01:15:31] That was one of, like, I, I am actually not breathing in writing. I think those go really well together. There’s something, and that’s all I knew. Like, I didn’t actually understand what it was. Until what I really wanted was to go deeper and I needed to, to get to a place where I was going to be okay being more vulnerable, being, um, uh, more real about what was going on in my life at that time.
[01:16:07] And even years later, I can feel the wisdom that we. You know, I was with the evidence. I haven’t written anything that’s evidence, very uncomfortable, lots of judgment, that started, I can’t believe I’m, you know, I know how to write, what’s going on here, blah, blah, blah, that’s noise, but it’s noise. You tap on that for a few minutes or a round or, round or two and now maybe the noise is a little quieter and you can, you can continue to feel into it.
[01:16:37] Um, do I need to pause? Yes.
[01:16:44] Do I want to move closer? Actually, no. I, I want to move further away. Um, is there a red flag here that I’m ignoring? Is there a longing that’s not getting met? Those are the things that we look at. Um, and it’s not analytical to me. It could be. The questions are helpful. I love the questions that I, I, I, asking ourselves any question, um, often opens the door because if it’s not that, it’ll be like, No, it’s not that.
[01:17:19] They remind you of him. Oh, okay. That’s why I’m really reluctant to reach out to that person. They remind me of my brother, who is always… On LSD! Okay!
[01:17:38] That doesn’t feel safe to me! Ah! Hot flashes. Deal with the process. And then look at whether that was a, um, guidance? Like, you know, there’s a vibe here. There’s a vibe of, of that, that, um, I was overlooking. Or, you know, they actually aren’t. All that much like that brother, six brothers. So that’s anonymity through volume.
[01:18:15] I think it’s, it is, we have about three minutes. It’s challenging sometimes to know someone is like, is this a guidance to go away from someone or is this some someone that. It just has a, my, my survival brain is being reactive because this person seems a little bit like this person. And it’s okay to just breathe with it and go, okay, I’m, I get to decide if I go away from them.
[01:18:39] The universe will bring them back around if they’re the right person, if, or I can try them out. Like walking slowly, listening to myself. What you need and want is very important and I think that’s one of the things that most people are missing. We’re not taught to listen to what we need and want out of a relationship.
[01:18:58] And it’s also important that we respect other people, what they need and want as well. The dance is, you know, hope there’s, someone may lead sometimes, but hopefully we’re all leading some of the time and we’re getting what we need. And so we’re going to step on each other’s toes sometimes. It’s not going to be perfect.
[01:19:15] And I think that this conscious. The fact that you went through these exercises, did the tapping with us, made some of this a little more conscious. It will give you a lot of skill and tools to be a savvy relator. To be like, oh, I understand what’s happening so I can take action that’s likely to steer this in a direction that will be good for the relationship if I want it to be.
[01:19:36] Or to step back if that’s right for me. So, um, I just, I’m really delighted. I’m a geek. I love studying this stuff and figuring out ways to… To be more conscious about what I’m doing and I just really am honored to have spent the last hour and a half with you and with Rick for digging into this. I hope it serves you.
[01:20:00] Invite you to think about somebody that, um, you could just share the concept. Right distance, right depth. Right distance, right depth. Maybe there’s someone that’s going through a, uh, a time where there’s a little chaos, and just this notion, right distance, right depth, is very different from we’re together or we’re apart.
[01:20:25] That’s the kind of binary of the primitive brain. And thriving exists, um, with a recognition of the primitive brain and its sensors and usefulness and sometimes over reactivity, um, but a deeper awareness inside of ourselves. Um, and sometimes the call for right depth is, is deeper into what matters to us.
[01:20:53] Um, we did all that, those call series on Be What Matters, um, and from that place, seeing what, what’s right for us. If you’ve noticed that you’re calling inside of, the callings inside of yourself from the time of, you know, the first, the pandemic or social changes, family changes, there’s, I’m not aware of anyone that didn’t have certain things that have happened and changed as a part of that.
[01:21:22] Um, It is often a case where we are, we are paused, whether we like it or not, um, until we get clarity about what really matters so that we can, we can move with, in a, in that dynamic flow and flexible resilience with those people that are a match for the types of things that we’re wanting to engage around the savvy engaging.
[01:21:54] Thank you, Cathy. Thank you all. Your feedback matters to us as we go forward with this. Um, we have more workshops planned on this. And if there’s something you’d like to share, that’s a little bit more on the private side support at. Thrivingnow. com goes to just Cathy and me. Um, if you want to post in our community center, thrivingnow.
[01:22:20] center, where the replay is posted, feel free to do that, or on our YouTube channel, where, um, the recording will be posted as well. Thank you. Thank you all. Have a great night, everyone.
Great to have you on this journey with us!
PRACTICAL Empathy. Interesting concept. It’s not practical (it’s actually depleting) if I deeply empathize with people far outside my circle of actual engagement.
A lot of us sensitive types notice that when we go far afield, or with people who are not mutual in their empathy (using our empathy to get their needs met but with no reciprocity willingness), we end up depleted.
Sometimes seriously and chronically depleted.
Which leaves an empty tank for those near and dear to us. “Sorry, I poured my empathy out into the ocean. Now it is all salty with tears and tides. I have no fresh water for you to quench your heart with.”
It’s not heartless to keep more distance from situations that make us feel helpless. Sometimes that is guidance to come back to what matters to us, our own truth, and put energy into those near and dear. We can be more generous even…
I am finding this post really useful. I am aware that my empathy tank is often not full enough to be there for my daughter, and sometimes others close to me. I don’t always find it easy to keep my energetic balance throughout and after a work day and then if something happens with a friend or family member, or I am upset by something, then I’m instantaneously depleted and don’t respond to/or treat my daughter the way she deserves to be when she is scared or anger or even in a silly/excited mood:
Not really sure how to support myself better in any of the above mentioned situations. Mostly I just try to be honest with my daughter and be clear. But I can see that it is still affecting her. I can’t pinpoint the emotion she has but it looks like she is feeling like she’s wrong or bad or should be different. I would love to be a parent who really supports her emotional freedom in a way that she literally actually feels emotionally free and fully expressive and able to stand happily in that even if I’m angry or not coping with it.
I’m coaching my boy here how to be savvy with his own expressiveness and the shared we-spaces and relationships. “What would be helpful for me right now…” later can be “What might have been more savvy in that situation in co-creating with me would be…”
I get angry as soon as I feel I “have to.”
“I love you and I honestly do not have energy for this right now. What would be a yes for me is…”
I know it isn’t all that easy to do. I can snap. If I do I do attempt at least, once we are all regulated, to share my self-awareness and seek repair.
Knowing people both love us AND have limits feels core to emotional safety, respect, and freedom. I’d rather be closer than further to those I love… and sometimes their expressions mean I need to go to the other room. I want to be deeper with them, and sometimes their blaming me or seeing me as the bad guy means I become simpler and “it is what it is, as disappointing as it is for us both.”
I love what you have shared and feel closer to being able to use this than I have before. Right now anyway. Would you recommend I actually share this with her in some way as a way to communicating how we could both manage emotionally charged situations? I guess my concerns around saying that is that she wont feel like a priority and may feel abandoned with her stuff and try to stuff it away. It seems I probably also would benefit from being curious around what would actually be a yes for me…because I don’t think I know what that would be that would truly be helpful.
I have only just seen this email now and the situation recurred again last night - worse - and then BOOM!! it all came out of her, what was really going on. All of the feelings of feeling unloved, confused and big things she is finding hard with some changes in her Dad’s life that he has shared with her - and not with me- and that she hasn’t shared with anyone and had been carrying herself. I felt such compassion for her. I had no idea how to really help her. I know I said things that I probably shouldnt have. Particularly as my anger at him arose and as much as I tried to not let it influence my words, it clearly did. It is hard that her rose-tinted glasses of him are slipping and I dont feel able to help her keep them up sometimes. But i feel like i should be. I dont want to turn her into my ally really, but there is also a part of me that does I see.
The thing is, I knew something was going on, and it was obviously affecting me too, but I didn’t even realise it. She also seems to be frightened of my anger too. This is how she responds to it and expresses that some times. I am not sure how to help her with that and still allow myself the space to be angry sometimes. It’s hard to be ok with my own anger when it then leads to her feeling bad about herself and unloved.
If someone is angry AT me, it’s hard and disturbing to me. Sensitive folks often do not handle that directed fire. For me I become a Fighter, which you can probably guess is not my ideal state.
Managing anger energy with savvy is really a challenge. It isn’t modeled well by many people.
For me, the shift of “I love you, and I am also feeling angry right now at the situation.”
I’ll say that while the advice about being neutral towards the other parent is “standard” because it can go really wrong, I do not feel for me personally that it was helpful. My Mom did not help me navigate this person she felt she had to leave. Even asking me what I was noticing about my Dad that is hard for me would help.
Being savvy sometimes means helping our kids know that “switching” is hard, that I own the challenges I certainly bring that can be hard to navigate, and acknowledging that all relationships have different aspects like that.
Appreciate your realness – we’re all still figuring it out.
Rick, the preciousness of you and your genuine care, sharing and encouragement truly was received by me today after reading your response. I know this has been the case and is the case in all your responses to all of us. But today, I really received that in a different way and could feel the tender preciousness of you and your offering of yourself in a deeper sense in myself and allowed myself to receive it. The tears of love and receiving and feeling that came for a little time as I sat with and acknowledged my receiving.
I will work with all you have shared in this conversation and bring it to my home, my world and my relationships and teach myself and my daughter. Thank you 
Bless you. Thank you. Means a lot this morning to feel your response.
Over the last few months, I’ve really owned up to the boy what I find challenging. It’s helped immensely that we’ve had Adira to love and be challenged by. He understands that loud noises like being screamed at are really hard for me. It’s helped him to reflect one what’s hard for him to navigate, too, with her, with me, with his parents, with the neighbor kids.
As I own the challenges I present to him, he’s seemingly able to more broadly see and be savvy with the challenges he presents to me. We’re both saying “sorry” less, and “I understand” more.
I appreciate all those who are exploring co-creating as parents more than “control and domestication and indoctrination.” It’s exciting, challenging, and yeah… taking a lot of deep awareness and vulnerability.
Love,
Rick
