Replay is below
Facing Reality makes no sense if it is going to leave us feeling helpless, depressed, or trapped. So…
We Just Won’t. We won’t face reality.
Know anyone that avoids reality using food, TV, drugs, and other distractions?
How about people who displace their rage onto others, or shut down their vitality to stay small and hidden?
We are human. Avoiding reality can be Life Saving! Avoidance is part of our survival toolkit. It can be essential, even, to get through seemingly impossible times when we don’t have the oomph and clarity to change ourselves (and our situation).
Avoiding reality, though, never is the path to a thriving life.
Which is why Cathy and I know it is core. It’s why we’re getting together Sunday to teach the skills of facing reality without getting flooded and washed away by it. Staying in the zone of what is true and right for us personally, at the deepest levels.
Our approach uses EFT Tapping because Tapping let’s us acknowledge a reality AND give ourselves a direction – at the same time! So so useful.
If you’re new to tapping, we have a free EFT Tapping Course here.
Appreciate You! Our inbox is open!
With love,
Rick & Cathy ~ ThrivingNow
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule private sessions here
P.S. Adira says, “It’s really cold and rainy… but instead of hiding inside, I wear my fun jacket and sparkle boots! I Embrace Play in all the weathers!”
It Is What It Is…
Sounds pretty defeatest, eh?
That’s what I used to feel. To face reality and accept it (when it was not the way I wanted it to be!) felt like… giving up.
But helpless is not a good look for me. How about you?
What I came to understand (after I learned more about Life Energy) is that when I face reality it can activate me to adapt. To be savvy. To grow towards what nourishes me (and away from what is depleting).
But I used to spend a lot of my life force complaining. Or demanding to the ocean that it not make waves… or the geopolitical equivalent.
Today my practice is a recognition of how much power we get from the real skill of facing reality with awareness, calm, and confidence.
Grounded in what matters, Choice Appears. Always.
No matter the reality, if we are sufficiently regulated and connected to what matters, we’ll see choices that are right for us – and know we have more freedom to choose than what we first felt.
As someone super-duper sacred-sensitive, this skill of accepting unwanted reality, seeing choices, and taking even a tiny Inspired Action means I can still thrive. And yes, my thriving matters to me.
YOUR Thriving Matters to Me!
So today our small band of hearty humans will explore the blocks, challenges, and deep nourishment we can enjoy by facing reality and embracing our truth.
You are most welcome to join us.
P.S. Adira says, “What beautiful weather to smile in! Really!”
We welcome your insights, ah-ha’s, and sharing. Please! Click [Reply]
[00:00:00] Facing Reality and Embracing Our Truth.
[00:00:02] This is a real skills workshop with a focus on savvy relating and engaging. And wow, I’m Rick from Thriving Now and I’m here with Cathy Vartuli from Thriving Now and the Intimacy Dojo.
[00:00:15] And why in the world would anyone face reality? I think of my childhood and how much reality I did not face and I am actually glad decades later that I didn’t, that I didn’t actually face reality.
[00:00:33] I didn’t have a, uh, a, uh, it in my face, so to speak. A lot was in my face, but of some of the more scary realities of it were not until now. And or later when I could, um, do something with it, what’s your attitude about that? Kathy? What? Why do we avoid reality? Well, one, we’re awfully often modeling the people around us.
[00:00:59] Our parents may not know that they were taught not to and. You know, just if you think about when we evolved, Rick often talks about this. If you’re running from a bear and you’ve broken your thumb, you kind of disassociate, you block that off. You’re not really feeling that part of your body because a priority is survival.
[00:01:17] You need to run very fast. You can’t go, Oh, my thumb hurts. You can’t stop. So we learn to disassociate or block certain things. It’s very healthy and very effective. In the short run, and there are times that in the longer run, it’s it’s like if someone’s in prison or in a in a war zone, blocking that off for longer periods.
[00:01:40] And some of us were brought up in war zones and to a certain extent, we’ve learned to block it off for longer periods. And we needed to do that. The problem is it becomes a habit. The muscles are there to block things off. We’re very strong at blocking things off and ignoring them. We’re not so strong at turning into the thing and dealing with it.
[00:02:01] And it can cost us a lot of life energy to avoid things. It can cost our relationships a lot of energy, too. Um, there’s people, I’m sure we all know people, where there’s a lot of landmines in their world and we all have to walk carefully around. We’re like kind of walking on eggshells and walking around the known landmines.
[00:02:19] It’s hard to have an intimate, deep, connected relationship with those people or with ourselves. When there’s landmines everywhere. And I do believe this is a lot like peeling an onion. We face a little bit more truth. We get stronger. We can see a little more truth, a little more reality. We can get a little stronger.
[00:02:36] We heal things. And it’s not, I imagine I’ll be still, I used to think, oh, I’m going to tap really hard. I’m going to be done with healing. I’m going to be, you know, we’re all set. And now I think probably on my deathbed, I’ll be tapping good. I don’t know what’s happening. I’m kind of scared, but this is going to be another adventure.
[00:02:52] I really hope that’s where my mind is like, or, you know, some kind of, I want another adventure. Let’s, let’s go. Um, so if you’re noticing hesitancy about this call or you’re worried about this, we’re going to be gentle and courage is. Facing the things we’re afraid of. So this call will require some courage, and we’re going to do it in baby steps.
[00:03:15] We’re not going to expect you to pull out all this There are immersive classes where you can go for 12 hours, and we’re going to make you face all your fears at once, and I actually think that re traumatizes a lot of people. It doesn’t teach them the nuance, the subtlety that we’re going to go into today.
[00:03:30] Um, so Rick, I was so glad you were, we were talking about the, what, what call to do next. And I, I want to get better at this. I want to get more conscious about that. And when I share with you, I really care about each of you. So we’ll start, Rick and I will start tweeting into that and channeling it and making it more solid.
[00:03:47] So I think it’s like a win win for all of us. So please feel free to share in the chat. We want this to be a dialogue. My avoidance of reality is probably a little different from yours and it’s a little different from Rick’s because we all learned from the patterns and the situation we’re in and what skills around avoidance our parents brought.
[00:04:10] So we may all have different ways of doing it. And when we share, we kind of get different perspectives and it just makes us all stronger. Oh, so one of those, Oh, sorry, Rick. Someone was tapping for their brother in law is actually on his deathbed. I think that’s a beautiful thing to do. I just want to acknowledge that.
[00:04:28] Go ahead, Rick.
[00:04:32] So one of the realities that we can softly. Um, start with is the reality that, um, I’ve not always faced reality and that one of the ways to do that, I think, is to acknowledge that it’s protective. So what you are saying is to me, um, when I’ve not faced reality, it was because I wasn’t resourced. Or I wasn’t skillful or I was actually confused about what to do when I face reality.
[00:05:09] What we’re going to be exploring here is, um, if my primitive brain faces reality, it has very limited choices. Fight, flight, freeze, and a few variations on that. What we No, because we have some emotional Gil, some emotional technologies is that we can see a reality and be like, okay, that’s an unwanted reality.
[00:05:40] And maybe I actually can’t change that reality. Now what? Now, if it’s my primitive brain looking at that, I’m going to be, Oh, I don’t want to look at this. I don’t want to look at something that makes me feel despairing, depressed, helpless. That’s, those are not good looks for me. I, I will avoid that and move away.
[00:06:05] Um, so in our, in the energy, um, approach, the emotional approach, we look at reality and then we give it a direction. Okay. And the direction that we’re inviting is Embracing something that matters to you, your truth. And, um, we consciously use the term embrace because it means bringing it really close to home because there’s a lot out in the world that’s reality that.
[00:06:41] energetically can, can make us very chaotic, very, um, helpless realistically. And by embracing like, Oh, and I embrace it. Truth matters to me or safety matters to me. Respect matters to me. Freedom matters to me. You notice that I went, you could, you, for the sensitive people, you may have just felt me do that without even tapping.
[00:07:09] There’s this stuff out there and I brought it back into an embrace. Of what matters to me. Um, to me, there’s a, yeah, let’s do some tapping on that. Would you like to leave like to start with maybe tapping? I want to go to the embracing part, but I first like to just if it’s okay with you do a little tapping on thanking ourselves for avoiding because it really is.
[00:07:33] Yeah. So if you would, if you just take a nice deep breath, if that feels good to your body, let yourself come here and now. Feel the energy of the circle. Let your attention come here. Close off, you know, Facebook can be closed. The cats will still be there later. They’re cute, but they’ll still be there. Let yourself, if it feels okay to come here and now, feel your butt in the chair.
[00:07:58] Feel the weight of gravity holding you there. And the texture of whatever is holding you up. Feel your feet on the floor. And wiggle your toes. Maybe feel the temperature between your toes. The texture underneath your toenail. Under your, the pads of your toe. A lot of avoidance is disassociation. So we want you to be in your body as much as possible as we do this work.
[00:08:23] It’s a very good muscle to lift. And we’re gonna try to be co present. I can be disassociated and then I can invite myself back in. And we’re inviting you back in now. Take another breath and just feel the cooler air coming in. Fill your lungs. Gently release that warmer air out.
[00:08:46] And go to the karate chop point or side of the hand. Even though this is kind of a scary topic. Even though this is a kind of scary topic. I’m not really sure I’m ready to dive in the deep end. And I’m not really sure I’m ready to dive in the deep end. I don’t have to dive in the deep end. I do not have to dive in the deep end.
[00:09:09] I got really good at avoiding! I got really good at avoiding. I had a lot of practice. I had a lot of practice and teachers. Now I want to have some practice being here and now with me and these other people. And right now I want some practice at being here and now with me and these other people. Top of the head, I don’t have to take a giant leap.
[00:09:42] I do not have to take a giant leap.
[00:09:47] In fact, I’m really grateful that I learned to avoid. I’m really grateful I learned to avoid. Eye to the eye. There were plenty of things when I was little that were too big. There were plenty of things when I was little that were too big. Eye to the eye. I didn’t have the skills to solve them? I didn’t have the skills to solve them.
[00:10:08] Under the nose. The people around me didn’t have the skills to solve them. The people around me didn’t have the skills to solve them. And so I learned how to dissociate and put them aside. So I learned how to dissociate and put them aside. Collarbone, just like if I hurt my thumb and I was running from a bear.
[00:10:29] Just like I hurt my thumb and I’m running from a bear. Under the arm, and there may be things in my future that need to be avoided for a few minutes. And there will be some things in my future that I need to avoid for a little while. But I’m not throwing the skill away. I’m not throwing the skill away.
[00:10:47] And I’m very grateful I have strong muscles here. I’m grateful I have strong muscles here. And I invite you just to take a deep breath. And see if you can be with the truth of that for a moment. That having that skill, that’s a solid skill in your toolbox. You probably don’t need to practice it a lot.
[00:11:07] It’s right there. Um, what we’re going to try to do today is help you decide when to step out and how far to step out of it. And how to notice when you’re dissociated. The problem with dissociation is a lot of us don’t even realize we’re there. And we’re going to, when we get a little bit later in the call, we’re going to help you tune in to some of those sensations and make them more conscious.
[00:11:30] So you can start noticing when you might be a little more dissociated. Um, Rick, would you like to do a little tapping on the embracing? I think that was beautiful, and I’d love to have some of that in the course.
[00:11:44] So, um, there may be a reality that’s so big that you just have to use that one if you’re not tuned in to something like that. I invite you to find something that’s like, Oh, okay, yeah, that’s a, that’s a reality. And I’m going to tap on it being an unwanted. reality. There are realities that are, we want to face that are really wanted.
[00:12:08] Like, you know, I’m actually a surprisingly kind person, even though people don’t get it. Um, those are a different kind of reality, but the ones that we often dissociate from are really unwanted, unacceptable to what matters to us. And this is how I do it. Um, and sometimes I need to pause for a moment, because It can feel hard, right?,
[00:12:40] even though this is an unwanted reality. Even though this is an unwanted reality, it violates what matters to me. It violates what matters to me. I acknowledge that now. I acknowledge that now, even though it is an unwanted reality. Even though it is an unwanted reality. I so wish it was different. I so wish it was different.
[00:13:06] Well part of me needs it to be different. This part of me needs it to be different!
[00:13:17] Are you I didn’t hear you. It is what it is. It is what it is. It is what it is. It is what it is. Top of the head. It is what it is. It is what it is. Eyebrow. I hate it. I hate it. So, wish it was different. I so wish it was different. Under the eye. I could feel really helpless here. I could feel really helpless here.
[00:13:45] On the nose. I could feel really despairing. I could feel really despairing. Chin. If I really got into it, I could cry for three days. If I really got into it, I could cry for three days. Oh, and I know what really matters to me, and I know what really matters to me. I embrace what matters to me. I embrace what matters to me top of the head.
[00:14:14] Safety matters to me. Safety matters to me eyebrow. Agreeableness matters to me, ness matters to me. The eye kindness matters to me. Kindness matters to me. The eye consent matters to me. Consent matters to me. And that means freedom matters to me SO much. Freedom matters to me so much! Safety, respect, and freedom I embrace A safety, respect, and freedom I embrace It’s not everywhere and for everyone It’s not everywhere and for everyone And not in this situation And not in this situation And the arm But I embrace it in me But I embrace it in me Because it’s my truth Because it’s my truth And now, like, I…
[00:15:04] You know, like giving yourself, running from the bear, bear hug, right? Like, you know, I’m the bear. All right. I’m really clear. Oh, and I included a lot of things that matter to me. If you have your list and we did a whole series on be what matters, um, that is available for you on thriving now. com. Be what matters.
[00:15:29] It’s a course. Um, but in certain circumstances, one of those things may really stand out like, you know, safety really matters to me. See if you can draw your energy into your space, okay? This is, like, there’s an unwanted reality,
[00:16:02] and sometimes that unwanted reality can feel like it’s a part of you that’s sick or needs tending. Even more so, like, oh, I, I so… value, well being and restoration and healing and compassion
[00:16:30] and give yourself time
[00:16:36] until you feel the hug is complete. I have hugged myself for 20 minutes, right? I, I have. Um, sometimes I’ll hold different parts of me. Um, like it could be my throat, like there’s, ah, or my belly. My, between my legs, just to ground my heart, back of my head, where my primitive brain is, um, heart and primitive brain.
[00:17:11] And just the physicalness of that comfort is good for the human body, mind, and, and energy and spirit. I think it’s really… If you’re clear about the, what you’re energetically wanting to embrace and activate within you, as your truth, like someone said, I Respect really matters to me, um, and how other people see us is so inaccurate, um, without the complete picture, oftentimes, you know, and so, like, respect really matters to me.
[00:17:55] Um, if I stay out there with the unwanted reality, I’m, my energy is going to feel like it’s drifting away. Um, being, like, I have the sense that when I’m trying to change an unwanted reality that’s out of my control, that I’m, uh, my energy is, is being wasted. Wasted in the sense that there’s a kind, compassionate part of me that says, Hey, buddy, bring it home.
[00:18:25] You know, respect matters, and you, you do your best to respect others consent, boundaries. What do I, you know, respect matters to me.
[00:18:44] That changes the energetic dynamic, doesn’t it? It changes it from, I need other people’s respect, to respect matters to me, and I embrace it fully as something that matters to me. But respect is not something I control with someone else. Well, I think one of the things that Rick is modeling is he’s come back to himself and he’s grounded himself.
[00:19:05] So he’s, like, when something first happens, I feel disrespected or someone else feels disrespected by me, or we get some news, we’re often activated in our work. Our survival brain is activated. And one of the things that happens when we’re activated is we get away from reality. We think we’re in reality.
[00:19:25] My friend calls and says, I can’t make it, and I go into a death spiral of, I don’t matter to anyone, no one loves me, I’m like, I make it mean things. And now I’m not just dealing with what happened, my friend made a phone call and said I can’t make it, that’s the thing that happened, there’s all this noise, this tornado around it.
[00:19:47] So one of the things, like what Rick did, I thought was a beautiful example of, I’m going to just be with the overwhelming feelings and I’m going to breathe and ground and be with myself. From that point, When we build up the muscles and one of the skills is to say, what actually happened? My friend called and said he couldn’t come.
[00:20:07] Did he say he didn’t love me? Did he say I was a worthless human being? No, he didn’t. My brain said that and I learned that when I was little. So it tags along. It’s almost like wagons getting hooked to the actual event. And when we can, we can do, what Rick did was a beautiful example. We did a little tapping, we did some breathing, we did some presencing.
[00:20:26] Now we’re a little less reactive. Now we can start unhooking the, the wagon train that’s behind the thing that happened. We have a much better exam, uh, possibility of healing something and making, being able to face this reality versus this is not actually reality. And a lot of people think they have to look at the not being loved.
[00:20:47] I agree. I think we should look at it and heal it. But it’s not, if we’re trying to solve all of that with each time we feel hurt, it makes it hard for some of our friends. They’re like, I’m afraid to tell you no, because you’re going to have like the wagon wheel come, the wagon train come along. And we can even call our friend and say, Hey, listen, I understand you can’t make it.
[00:21:06] Could you just reassure me that I’m important to you? My brain’s making up stories. And the person that shared in the chat was like, Respect is really important. Um, I’ve lost the respect of others and I feel overwhelmed because it seems unrepairable. Seems unrepairable is a part of the wagon train, because most things are repairable over time.
[00:21:28] And even if, you know, I generally see that if we can get grounded and calm and deal with what actually happened, there’s usually some way to do something that leaves us feeling complete, resolved. Um, you know, and there are times something really bad happens and we just have to deal with that. Um, but I really think when we can unhook the wagon train, that we’re cooking to the thing that actually happened, we have a much better chance of dealing with it compassionately for ourselves and for others.
[00:22:04] I’m tenderly aware that, you know, I have… Some relationships from my past that really aren’t repairable, including one that was for decades. And I say that, what does it mean to be unrepairable? Well, I don’t mean I can’t repair the feelings within me. I believe that we can move and learn how to repair, self repair.
[00:22:38] I believe that we can learn to see it as right distance, right depth. Someone who doesn’t, someone who knows me really well and doesn’t respect me, um, uh, right, right distance, right depth is, you know, Australia, right? No, no, I’m not sending people your way if you’re down, down under, um, but it’s, it’s, it’s distant.
[00:23:05] It’s not very close. So there can be a. And even though I wish it was different. So this is how I tapped on that situation, if that would be helpful. Would you like, is that okay?
[00:23:24] Even though I’ve really looked at it. Even though I’ve really looked at it. And they don’t respect me. And they don’t respect me. And that’s one of the reasons we are no longer together. That’s one of the reasons we’re no longer together. Respect matters to me so much. Respect matters to me so much. Uh huh, uh, uh,
[00:23:53] I’m I’m learning still how to repair relationships. I’m learning still how to repair relationships. And be easy to repair with. And to be easy to repair with. And savvy to repair with. And to be savvy to repair with. Ah, and I like that about myself. And I like that about myself. Top of the head. And it is an unwanted reality.
[00:24:22] It is an unwanted reality. Eyebrow. I really wanted their respect. I really wanted their respect. Under the eye. It was so hard when they withdrew their respect. It was so hard when they withdrew their respect. Under the eye. Because I respect myself. Because some days I respect myself. Yeah, and respect is something that matters to me.
[00:24:49] And respect is something that matters to me. And I’m learning how to repair. And I am learning how to repair. Even if I never repair with them. Even if I never repair with them. Hold on, I have repaired with people since. I have repaired with, repaired with people since. I’m actually getting pretty good at it.
[00:25:10] I’m actually getting pretty good at it. I know how to do it.
[00:25:18] So like there are books, for example, about restorative processes and repair, and we look at um, so this is part of embracing our truth, just to be clear, there is an unwanted reality I’m, I’m, there’s doesn’t feel like there’s any openness to changing that. If I try to keep facing that reality There’s a heart pang I get.
[00:25:45] Um, that is not a call. I know my body, my body is not calling me to try to bang against. a bull. Okay. Someone who is really set in their attitudes toward me. Okay. Now what the heart pang is, Hey, what matters to you? You know, safety, respect, and freedom matter to me. Repair matters to me with people that are dear to me.
[00:26:10] I want it is a, it continues to remind me how valuable repair is to get good at it, to get natural at it, to make it meaningful and deep. Huh? Yeah. And if you’re at a place where you’re like, I don’t have that repair skill, maybe we’ll do a workshop on it. And there’s some really great books about repair.
[00:26:37] Um, Susan Campbell has a whole bunch of ones that give you language and, and your own self attitudes. Um, it re Pardon me, Susan’s books are very accessible as well. And that’s an example for me. Yeah. And I think that one of the things just to segue off of what you’re saying, Rick is we’re talking about the wagon train that we have other people have their own wagon trains, and we don’t know what’s on there.
[00:27:05] So repair works really well when both people are willing to unhook the wagon train or the wagon train isn’t long and full of dynamite. We don’t know where other people’s traumas are. So if they’re not repairing with us, if they’re not, if they’re saying, nope, you’re done, I’m not going to respect you, you know, you’ve lost my respect.
[00:27:22] We don’t know. Are we interacting with a three year old self or that was really hurt? And it’s hard not to take that personally. But when we can remember that, oh, they have their own wagon train. I’m doing my best to repair. I believe in giving second chances that people can make mistakes and still be lovable.
[00:27:41] Maybe this person just had some dynamite on their wagon train and when they bumped into my wagon train, it blew up. It doesn’t mean that I’m bad. It means that they’re not at a place where we can connect right now. And I’ve actually had a couple experiences in my life where that kind of blew up. We went our separate ways and like 10 years later we ran into each other and we were able to, the universe brought us back together so we could finish that repair.
[00:28:02] The universe will do what, you know, some pretty amazing things for us. Would you leave a tapping on? You know, there’s, there is a reality in other people’s world that we don’t know, and, and often can’t know, and that it’s so, it, like, to me, there’s a quality of it. I, for, for most of my miserable period of my first 30 years, um, I, I couldn’t accept that.
[00:28:33] Like I, there was a part of me that thought that if, if I was really empathetic, that everyone is, and if they’re not empathetic, they’re just. like, uh, being mean or cruel. We know from neuro, from neurodiversity that empathy is a spectrum. And we also know that trauma, especially complex trauma can really like take empathy and, and turn it into something that is so chaotic for a person that they can’t even, they can’t deal with other people’s stuff.
[00:29:10] And it’s okay. Like I know now it’s okay, but a part of me is like, you know, why can I hear your stuff, but you can’t hear mine. Um, that isn’t, that can be facing a reality and embracing like, well, I, I really embrace reciprocity and that’s not always going to be available. And I, I embrace diversity and navigating that with some savvy and does this make sense?
[00:29:38] I’d love to do some tapping on that. I invite you to take a nice deep breath, drop into your body again if that feels good. We want you to practice that, build up muscle, pretend we’re at the gym and just kind of practicing being embodied. Feel your butt in the chair, your feet on the floor, karate chop, even though reality happens.
[00:30:01] And then I hook my wagon train to it. All my, all the meanings I give it. All the meanings I give it. I’m actually way ahead because I actually recognize I have a wagon train. I am ahead because I’m aware I have a wagon train. It’s pretty savvy. It’s pretty savvy. A lot of people don’t have a clue they have a wagon train.
[00:30:24] A lot of people don’t have a clue they have a wagon train. Top of the head, they make other people wrong and bad. Hold on a second.
[00:30:37] They make other people wrong and bad. I know, because the wagon’s trains collided. Because the wagon’s train collided. Ah! And they had dynamite in their wagon train. And what? They had dynamite in their wagon train. Oh no, they had dynamite in their wagon train. And things went kaboom. And things went kaboom.
[00:31:01] Under the nose. That doesn’t mean I’m wrong or bad.
[00:31:08] I’m embracing a truth, an evolving truth, that I, that does not make me wrong or bad. I don’t know what their history is like. I do not know what their history is like. Colorbone, I don’t have their lived experience. And I definitely do not have their lived experience. Under the arm. And they don’t have mine.
[00:31:31] And you know what? They don’t have mine. Top of the head. I’m aware that we have wagon trains. I’m aware that we have wagon trains. I’m, well, I’m working on making mine shorter. I’m working on making mine shorter and lighter and
[00:31:52] more playful. This side And what? Getting rid of the combustible parts. Yeah, definitely clearing out the combustible parts. Under the eye, I’m actively healing myself. I am actively healing myself. That matters to me. Yeah, under the nose. And sometimes my wagon train is longer than others. And sometimes it’s longer than others.
[00:32:14] I know that’s okay. Oh, and that’s okay. Tell everyone we’re all doing our best.
[00:32:29] A hard to accept reality sometimes is that we’re all doing our best. What if I can forgive myself? What if I can forgive myself? Top of the head for having a wagon train. For having a wagon train. Uh huh. It does seem to be the human condition. It does seem to be the human condition. Side of the eye, and we can clean it up as much as we can.
[00:32:53] And we can clean it up as much as we can. Under the eye and we can get quicker and better at saying, oops, I’m sorry, I ran into your wagon train and we can get better at, oops, I’m sorry, I ran into your wagon train. Under the nose. And I’ll be like, what? And you ran into mine. And you ran into mine. It’s really hard to lose people’s respect.
[00:33:24] It’s really hard to lose people’s respect. I wonder how they’ll be angry at us. Or have them be angry at us and blaming. Yeah. Under the arm we can clean up where we caused harm. Sometimes we can clean up where we caused harm, top of the head, and then we can do our best to be compassionate for everyone.
[00:33:45] We can do our best to be compassionate for everyone. And just see if you can let that sink in a little bit. Like to imagine the spells in my body are opening up and absorbing the energy. Compassion matters to me. I embrace compassion in healthy ways.
[00:34:04] Oh, okay. Oh, so I think this is important, and it segues to a lot of attraction comments we wanted to make anyway. Um, someone said, what do you, what do you think about the dictum that having is evidence of wanting, as in if something has manifested it, we wanted it on some level? There’s an aspect of us drawing it to us.
[00:34:25] And I think there’s a lot of There’s parts of Law of Attraction that I think are very powerful. Um, I do think people can ruminate. We can get dwelling on this, like, Okay, this thing happened, I think it means all these things, and I can get caught up in the story about it. And I think Law of Attraction’s like, Oh, this is happening, what can I put my attention on that’s better?
[00:34:46] That I want to do more. What actions can I take to rather than being stuck and ruminating in the past over and over and over again. So I think there is something to that aspect of it. I think there is a lot about law of attraction that can be used as victim blaming. And I think that sometimes shit just happens and we can easily say, Oh, I attracted it.
[00:35:12] It’s easy to blame. It’s I think that one of the reasons this is so compelling is in a universe where we feel often out of control, we can’t always control what happens to us. If we can say, Oh, if I can control my thoughts. I can make this so that doesn’t happen anymore. These bad things don’t happen. So I must have been wanting it, because then if I can not want it, or not ask for it, or not manifest it, then I have control in a universe that is actually not As controllable as we’d like.
[00:35:45] So I think it’s a trap to our subconscious, our survival brain, that wants to be in control. To say that, oh, if this happened to you, you must have manifested it. I do think there’s something useful to look, is there something I need to heal? Am I repeating patterns? I dated people that were kind of mean to me for a long time.
[00:36:05] That’s what I thought I was supposed to have. And I had to recognize, oh, I am, I am inviting these people into my lives and I’m staying when they’re, when they’re still being mean because I have patterns, I have traumas to heal. That’s different than, you know, if a tree crashed through the house right now.
[00:36:22] Oh, I must have wanted that somehow. Does that make sense? It does, and I,
[00:36:35] emotional freedom for me says that there’s a reality that’s going to show up, and I want the freedom to perceive it in a way that empowers me. Um, for people that always blame themselves, and have always blamed themselves, and always feel like they’re not enough, and They’re at fault, and they’re a dreadful sinner.
[00:36:59] Um, the attitude of when things show up for them, that it’s a wanting, that law of attraction thing. Um,
[00:37:14] I utterly, I understand that that is a, uh, an approach that some people put out there. And I noticed that some people are empowered by that because it activates. Well, if this is showing up, then I can, I can change it. It’s must be something I wanted so I can change it. Um,
[00:37:38] and it is so. off when it comes to so many situations. It’s, um, so I, because we do emotional work, it is emotional work often leads us to our energy and our life force and our spirit. We bump into spiritual beliefs and religious teachings about who you are and what, what, um, what’s wrong with you if something bad happens to you.
[00:38:11] And, um, I,
[00:38:20] there are, there are millions of examples throughout all of history of innocent people being the victims of things that have not one fucking thing to do with what they wanted. And explanations of karma and etc. Um, I watched, I watched a series called Human Playground, and I respect cultures and the way that they try to explain reality, and it often are, the line between superstitions and science and reality, this is art and hardistry and a lot of things.
[00:39:02] I’m not trying, I could not begin to explain it, but I see the suffering that comes when we take something in that, that,
[00:39:18] You must have wanted that abuse. I was susceptible to abuse. It was not something that I wanted. And I think that’s what you were saying, Kathy. Sometimes our trauma can lead us susceptible. Meaning we don’t have the skill of setting boundaries. We may not even think that we can set a boundary. Oh yeah. Is that a wanting?
[00:39:40] Behavior. So we’re like, feel comfortable with it somehow. Yeah. Top of the head. It’s so confusing. It’s so confusing. Eyebrow. Feeling empowered matters to me. Feeling, feeling empowered matters to me. Side of the eye. I’d love it to be certain. I’d love it to be certain. In the eye. I wish there was an explanation for all the shit that’s happened to me.
[00:40:03] I wish there was an explanation for all the shit that happens to me. Under the nose and reality can bite, and reality can bite, like a crocodile can bite, like a crocodile can bite. And I wanna focus on what I can shift. I wanna focus on what I can shift. I have been susceptible to certain things. I have been susceptible to certain things, and I want to feel empowered now, and I want to feel empowered now.
[00:40:40] Where do I want to put my energy? Where do I want to put my energy?
[00:40:50] I think it’s really important to remember that people that have been traumatized Are very susceptible to shame and some of us are brought up in families where when people feel disempowered Rick’s waving, and I have fingers pointing back at me, too. If people feel disempowered, if our family was under resourced, and maybe had their own traumas, it’s very typical to blame.
[00:41:13] Rick talks sometimes about the emotional scale. Blaming and shaming other people is at the bottom. I have no control, so I’m going to blame someone else. Um, and many of us were brought up with that pattern, and we’re very susceptible, so Law of Attraction, for people that use it as a shaming technique, we’re like, oh, it must be true, because we’ve felt it many times.
[00:41:35] I think it’s important to look for patterns. If I’m walking down the sidewalk, and a bird poops on my head, that’s flying way up, I couldn’t even see him, he pooped on my head. That’s just shit happens. If I get pooped on a bunch of times, maybe I want to look up and say, Oh my goodness, I’m hanging out under a tree with a lot of birds in it.
[00:41:52] Maybe I should move or get an umbrella. Like, so I think if we see a pattern, there might be some trauma or pat, you know, something we want to heal or shift, but for most of it, you know, like. Just stuff sometimes happens. And I think if we can, it’s hard. Our survival brain doesn’t like that idea because it’s not in control.
[00:42:10] It can’t work harder to be more in control of that. And so, if we can, just like, hey, the universe loves me. I have a lot of resources. I’m actually handling the things. Shit does happen sometimes, and most of the time I’m getting off the other side. Maybe not gracefully, but I’m getting there. And I actually get more resilient when I, you know, as I go.
[00:42:30] So, and then just noticing if there’s patterns, am I standing under the tree full of birds and getting pooped on many times? So just to reiterate, um, someone shared, I do have a blaming and shaming pattern, both outwardly and inwardly at the same time, how do we shift that? So that’s, that’s a reality. Look, okay.
[00:42:55] I have this pattern. Um, what matters to me? Well, like for me shifting out of. Self blaming and shaming and, you know, that kind of external, um, it’s like, oh, well, in some weird way, it feels better than just despair and depression and disempowerment. Like, well, oh, someone’s to blame. He’s right here. Or, they’re to blame.
[00:43:31] There to blame or there like it feels better, meaning that if you look at it only from a life force standpoint, um, despair and disempowerment and depression are where we get closest to losing grip. On our life force dying, literally, um, blame moves our energy. And there is some empowerment. If I’m to blame, then I can change it.
[00:44:03] I can change myself or something like that. It as a child, if I had understood, um. This dynamic, I don’t know how I would have navigated by being ashamed. It gave me a tool like, Oh yeah, I’m it’s my fault. I’ll, I’ll get better. I’ll, I’ll be a good boy. I’ll be a good, don’t worry. I will be a good boy. I will, I will work harder.
[00:44:29] I will get better at this. Um, that’s what activated in me, but it wasn’t a reality. And that’s why I think trauma often comes up later in such a powerful way. It’s like, listen, that. Trying to be a good boy, um, that’s the child’s way. What is, what is the adult way? Well, I, I could blame myself, or I could be aware of reality, you know.
[00:44:56] Maybe I did wrong. You know, I did, I, I violated my own integrity. Even though I violated my own integrity and my integrity matters to me, I’m, I want to see if I can repair this. Make amends. Do what’s right. Do you see, if, if you actually look at the reality that, um, the blame and shame kind of keeps us away from, right?
[00:45:30] Blame and shame moves us away from what you would describe on paper as, well, the reality is, um, this. Reality is that when I’m… Under resourced loud noises make me want to scream. And sometimes I do. Okay. Makes me feel what? Well, if I’m really in the acceptance of that reality, I am like, okay, that’s a reality in it.
[00:46:07] And, um, what do I do with it now? So that’s the embracing what matters? Well, what matters to me is. kindness and when I’m screaming about loud noises, I’m not feeling kind. So what could, how could I be more kind with myself? I could move away before I even say anything. I could put my earplugs in. I could communicate with some hand gestures, you know, um, I could, I could ask, could, could we please tone it down?
[00:46:46] I can, I could like all those things. If I face the reality that I’m this way without blaming and shaming me, well, now I’m, I’ve got options and this is the emotional freedom part of it. Just to complete the picture. If I’m blaming and shaming, I’m not actually looking at reality. If I’m looking at reality and it’s.
[00:47:11] It’s more objective like what is actually happening or what actually happened and a lot of techniques nonviolent communications Susan Campbell’s work Like what actually happens? I didn’t sleep last night and now there’s loud noise and there’s this sensation that happens in my my body that That is so unbearable that I feel like screaming or sometimes do if I’m facing that rather than just being I’m so sorry I screamed and I never want to scream like that’s not going to get I, I can assure you, if you’re also not getting anywhere with that.
[00:47:56] Um, this different approach. Um. Is they just spin and spin now? Like what actually happened? What is that? What reality is it? Oh, I’m noise sensitive, particularly when I’m under resourced and then what matters and what are the options that come out of that? Kindness is one of them. Safety. Right? Like, that gives me other option.
[00:48:23] Go ahead. Um, if you could be like, hey, telling your partner or people around you, I’m under resourced and I’m noticing that I’m very sensitive to sound right. Like giving them a heads up or, you know, like I’m under resources. I’m really cranky today. I’m by snapping, like, just giving them a heads up.
[00:48:40] They’re like, Um, it’s not about me, I didn’t, they’re, they can unhook some of the carts from the wagon train because they’re like, oh, but it’s not about me, it’s the other person. So I love being kind of aware that way. I also love using, when I start blaming, shaming myself or others, I’m getting better. Now it only takes me a week or two sometimes, um, or sometimes it’s a few minutes.
[00:49:05] Indicator light that I feel powerless. And we are smart people. I’m a smart person. Okay, once I’m conscious that I feel powerless about something, I can do research. I can ask a friend. I can start figuring out a pathway, but it’s an indicator light that I don’t feel powerful. That I feel trapped, that I’m like either biting at other people or biting at myself.
[00:49:30] Oh, okay. Powerlessness. What am I feeling powerless about? What do I need to, what skill am I lacking? What resource do I need to know? What, you know, who do I need to call to get some support here? And now it’s, it becomes an indicator light on my dashboard that I can remind myself that my cognitive brain can do something as opposed to, Oh my God, I’m going to feel How would you tap on, how would you tap on that?
[00:49:54] Um. You know, like, oh, I’m blaming and shaming. That means I’m powerless. And how do you move the energy? Set up that new pathway. Here I am again. Here I am again. Wallowing in the shame. Wallowing in the shame. Blaming myself and blaming them. Blaming myself and definitely blaming them. Floundering around.
[00:50:20] Floundering around. It’s definitely my fault. It’s definitely my fault, isn’t it? It’s, oh, it’s gotta be them. I hate them. It’s gotta be them. I hate them.
[00:50:36] Drop the head. Oops. Oops. Eyebrow, the lights are flashing on my dashboard. Ah, reality is my light is flashing on my dashboard. Light of the eye. My survival brain feels pretty powerless right this moment. My survival brain feels powerless. Ah, that’s my reality. Under the eye. I love that I noticed the flashing light.
[00:50:58] I appreciate that I noticed this flashing light. Under the nose. And actually it’s pretty savvy of my survival brain to let me know what it’s feeling. And it’s very savvy of my primitive brain to let me know what it’s feeling. Chin, now I can start looking for resources. Oh, my truth is I love feeling resourced.
[00:51:25] Collarbone, I may not know what they are quite yet. I still don’t know what they are quite yet. What am I feeling most powerless about right now? What am I feeling most powerless about right now? Top of the head as soon as I start making it conscious. As soon as I start making it conscious, I have new pathways.
[00:51:49] I have new pathways, and it’s empowering. Yeah, it is empowering.
[00:52:00] And it’s, again, this is a practice. Like, I’ve gotten better most of the time, and if I’m under resourced or really overwhelmed, it takes me more time to get it. But usually if I start, like, when I gossip, like, I vent sometimes. Like, Rick, can I just vent for ten minutes, five minutes about someone? But if it’s coming up repeatedly, There’s something about, what am I bitching about, quote unquote, um, that’s usually an indicator of where I’m feeling stuck or something close to it.
[00:52:30] Oh, I don’t feel heard by this person. They keep doing something that’s annoying me, or they’re, they’re crossing a boundary and they’re not keeping, letting me keep the boundary. What, what is it that’s annoying me about them? Because when we get very specific, it’s much easier to do the research and to figure out what resources we need.
[00:52:51] And it’s fine when we feel. Go ahead. I was just looking at, I think you were too. Go ahead. Oh. I, it’s a great strategy for me. If I’m feeling shame, um, to isolate as long as what I’m doing is I’m going deeper, like what’s the reality and what matters to me and I start moving the energy isolation, um, is as part of the giving space to embrace my truth, to even figure out what it is right here.
[00:53:23] It isn’t always, it can be very primitive brain. And we’re going to be touching on avoidance and the different flavors of that when we come back. We’re going to take our seven minute break. Um, this is, I appreciate the comment, um, someone said, thanks, this is so powerful, I really needed it. I need this all the time.
[00:53:44] As somebody who’s emotionally sensitive, there’s so much that I become aware of that are realities. What do I do with that energy? And sometimes it, you know, like isolation doesn’t, I could be sitting alone in a cabin and be aware of things. They would come to me in dreams and visions and meditation. This skill is one that is right now with everything that’s happening.
[00:54:15] I’m wanting to bring it deeper, um, to be with. With my family, be with my friends, be with my clients, be with the world, be with people that I feel connection to, even though I’ll never know their names, um, isolationism, um, to me is different than going to, Oh, I’m isolated. I need to isolate. And now I’m in solitude.
[00:54:40] Whew, solitude. I embrace the truth that solitude is a good place for me. Ah, I can breathe. Our survival brain wants to sometimes, if it feels intense or reminds us of a lot of things, we may need that quiet first. There’s nothing wrong with that. So we’re going to take a quick seven minute break. We’re going to pause the recording.
[00:55:01] If you’re joining us on the replay or, um, you’re fresh, uh, To our group at thriving now. com. Um, we invite you to take a, a moment for integration. Um, we are going to be back in seven minutes.
[00:55:18] Welcome back. So we talked about reality being, I mean, I’m not facing reality being protective and how looking at reality, um, gives us Something that can be empowering, it can open up options within us, and that’s the intention with emotional freedom work is there’s this, I bring some acceptance or acknowledgement, that’s another word, it’s an unwanted reality, something I don’t feel I can change, something I’ve tried to change and hasn’t budged, um, and now what matters to me that I want to embrace is, you know, my, um, My desire to, to be what, um, you know, I avoided the fact, um, that I was, uh, I become a chronic complainer, like even around things that, you know, I’d complain about what I didn’t do, what I, what I wanted to do that I didn’t do, what I didn’t do as well, someone could give me a compliment and I would say, yeah, but I really wanted to cover this like that.
[00:56:28] And. Um, I got a call to face reality from, uh, a friend of mine. He just said to me, have you ever tried not complaining? I’m sitting in the water behind the boat. It’s a boat that’s mine on a lake, uh, that I get to be on. It’s not even crowded. And I’m complaining and what I really appreciate was it’s my, one of my first recognitions that by facing reality, I was just quiet.
[00:57:04] I wasn’t even angry. There was something in the way he said it, which said, please face the reality. Have you tried not complaining? And it gave me a direction. It’s like, Oh, I’m Mr. Complainer head. I’ve really become Mr. Complainer Head. You’ve heard of Mr. Potato Head? I was Mr. Complainer Head. And I had avoided that reality and everything that was kind of underneath of it.
[00:57:30] And by looking at that, like I could, I started to try not complaining. I also Realize that I needed to be heard about the thing, actually what actually was bugging me. And so I started journaling some of that down and that opened up a door. I didn’t need other people to hear my complaints about other stuff that were really distractions, avoiding what was really true that my, you know, I was getting, I was doing work that paid well as self employed person, but it was actually killing me and.
[00:58:11] That’s a big deal to avoid, and so that’s where, um, it’s tender to come face to face with a reality about ourselves, and not view it with blame, with like, okay, yeah. Now, where do I go with this energy? I think that, can I add something to that? Um, people are talking to some, some people are saying they isolate and they can’t talk about when something bad happens.
[00:58:42] Other people are saying that they struggle with that. They, they talk about it over and over and over again. Um, so I think there’s, what Rick was talking about was. It can be a distraction when we’re complaining about something that’s not really, um, the focus or when we’re focused on something like, look over here, don’t look at the real problem over here.
[00:59:01] Um, that can be part of it. Um, and another thing is some people will use complaining as a way to, it’s kind of almost like a talisman where if I complain about things a lot, it’ll protect me from the bad things or it will keep the good things that they may have learned when they were a little from their parents.
[00:59:19] I think whatever we’re doing, if we can allow ourselves to go a little bit deeper, whether we’re isolating, because that’s what feels good to us, there’s no right or wrong on this in terms of isolation or processing. with other people. But we can let ourselves feel a little bit of the sensations in our body and do a little tapping.
[00:59:38] I love that Rick has an article on Thriving Now about like, someone calls up to complain and you just tap through and so you’re not letting it in. The same thing, like I’ve called up Rick before and I’m like, oh, this is, I hate my job. I hate this. I hate Just tapping and letting myself feel a little bit of it, it starts getting me out of that, like, surface noise and into the processing.
[01:00:00] So whether you’re alone or sharing with someone else, see if you can let yourself trust that you’re not a little kid anymore, you can actually feel these feelings. And this is where we’re going to get into the avoiding a little bit, too, because Feeling those feelings is very scary when we’re not used to it.
[01:00:19] So, um, is there, if I, if I would go into some experience on that? Like Rick said before, pick something that’s a three out of 10 or a two out of 10. We’re not asking you to go to the 12 thing. That’s not, it will overwhelm you and you’re not going to get as much. Use out of it anyway. So just think about something that you know you avoid, or that you know is difficult to look at, and see if you can just be here, and with that thing, be here in this group with all these people.
[01:00:48] Notice what you’re feeling in your body as you try to avoid it. I know that the inclination is to dive in and try to push past that, but let’s get so we notice more indicator lights. What is it that you feel? And I’d love for people to share, because different people avoid in different ways. There are times where I’ll feel very, very interested on something over here, something that’s on the other side.
[01:01:12] There’s times where I’ll feel, like, fearful or tense or kind of numb about something. So just, whatever your particular thing is, see if you can just breathe in and notice the avoiding process. You don’t want to, we’re not even going to noticing the thing you’re avoiding yet. Noticing, notice the avoiding process.
[01:01:33] Do you want to go clean a closet, or your, or your, get your refrigerator? Do you want to, like, call someone? Do you want to eat some food, or shop, or watch TV? Like, what is it that you’re, you’re into kinder light? How do you know that you want to avoid this thing right now? See if you can feel into that. So if you, you want to avoid working out, even though you know you need to, if you imagine, okay, I’m going to go work out, what?
[01:02:03] Does your body do? Does it go like, Oh, I think I’ll go have some cookies. Oh, it’s time to post some photos on, on Facebook. Oh, it’s time, you know, like, Oh, I’m too tired. Oh God. And I have a headache. Like I had one, my body would go to a headache. If I was avoiding something, it would go to a headache.
[01:02:30] Headaches are a great excuse not to do, not to face reality, not to do something. Um, yeah. And that’s, if, if it’s all of those things, all of the above, uh, thank you. Um, often what is missing here is that part about what’s your truth. Uh, I, and we can, we’ll get into that, like, what do you do as you start noticing this pattern, um, when you face reality, how do you anchor it with a direction that your body can go that’s more, body, mind, and spirit can go that are more.
[01:03:12] is where you want to be more often than, Oh, I’m avoiding this. So I land in all of these avoidance strategies. We’re never going to not have avoidance strategies. I’m not aware. I’ve never met a human that doesn’t have avoidance strategies. It feels like one of those really protective, useful things, um, to help regulate ourselves.
[01:03:35] Um, Kathy. Um, so like people are avoiding different things. Now, all of us surf. Social media, like someone said, I surf, surf, surf social media or whatever. Um, there’s gonna be times we do that, but if you notice you’ve been doing it for a while and you intended to do something else, it’s like, oh, okay, that’s an indicator light.
[01:03:59] So it’s one thing if I’ve gotten all my chores done and I’m just like, getting, you know, but if I really meant to get to this thing and I’ve now been on social media for four hours. Or even half hour, if that’s not what I intended. Those are signs that something was going on. And then I might want to look a little deeper.
[01:04:14] It’s an indicator light. Those are outside activities. If you can, see if you can go into your body and notice the sensations in your body. One of the things we want to get you better with is actually feeling what’s in your body. Rather than waiting to manifest outside, if that makes sense, there’s nothing wrong with using that as an indicator light as well.
[01:04:35] But some of the deeper stuff we really want to avoid our brain will trick us into avoiding the feeling of avoiding like, it’s so big. We’re like, have double. Protection on that. Um, so we want to, if we can just like, Oh, I kind of feel a numbness or heaviness. I feel sticky or whatever it is, if we can get, so we’ve just practice it even for a few seconds.
[01:05:01] We start noticing, Oh, that’s how, what I feel with like when I avoid, and we’re going to invite you over the next week, if you’d like to, when you notice what you’re avoiding, you’re avoiding something. Go in and take a breath. And what are the body sensations I have as I’m trying to avoid this? Because as we get more in tune with our body, that’s the it gives us a power that we wouldn’t have otherwise.
[01:05:24] So someone said I feel fear, a tightness in my chest, my legs actually feel weak. I would suggest Possibly, that if your legs actually feel weak, you probably are looking at something that may on the surface be a 10, but it’s possibly much deeper, or you might be really afraid of feeling the feelings that go with it.
[01:05:44] So, again, just like we hook the train, that wagon train on there, a lot of us learn when we were little, I’m going to feel this overwhelming feeling, and it’s going to be too much, and I’m going to just be swamped, and I will have no resources, and I might die. So we’re hooking the wagon train onto all those things, versus I’m going to feel this feeling for five seconds, and I’m going to breathe, and then I’m going to let it go, and I can avoid it for a little bit, and I’m going to teach my system that those feelings that I want to avoid are maybe not so scary.
[01:06:17] When I was little, yes. My little body didn’t know how to do it. I didn’t have tapping, I didn’t have the circle, I didn’t have other resources. I didn’t have the option of eating if I was really overwhelmed. I probably didn’t have control over my food when I was very little. I didn’t have options to watch TV when I wanted.
[01:06:34] Now we do, and if we can learn to tolerate the feelings that we want to most avoid, starting in baby, baby steps. Sometimes it’s a three second thing. But as soon as we start feeling it a little bit and we don’t die, we don’t want to overwhelm ourselves. You don’t want to do it for 10 minutes at first. You just do a very little bit and then you step out and you’re like, good job.
[01:06:58] Wow. I thought I would totally melt down and collapse and the world would end if I felt that, but I felt it for that little bit. It starts opening a doorway that. To a lot of empowerment. It peels the onion very nicely, very quickly. So that we can get to the core of things. So, I’d like to do a little tapping if that’s okay on that.
[01:07:17] So I invite you to take a nice gentle breath. Let yourself be compassionate with yourself. This is challenging work. This is courageous work. This is the work that most people avoid their entire lives. What you’re doing by walking here with us is magic. It can give you back your life. Crowdychop, even though I’m really scared to feel that feeling, Even though I’m really scared to feel that feeling, I’m pretty certain I’ll die if I feel it.
[01:07:51] I’m pretty certain I’ll die if I feel it. The world might end in a fiery crash and the world might end in a fiery crash. It’s actually just sensations. It’s actually just sensations, and only for a few seconds and only for a few seconds. Even though I’m certain I’ll die if I feel this feeling, even though I’m certain I’ll die if I feel this feeling.
[01:08:19] And I decided that long ago and I decided that long ago. What if that might have been true back then? What if that might have been true back then? And it’s not so true anymore. And it’s not so true anymore. Top of the head, I want to feel these sensations for three seconds. I want to feel these sensations for three seconds.
[01:08:44] Eyebrow, I’m here with supportive people. I’m here with supportive people. Under the eye, and they’re telling me the world won’t end in a fiery crash. And I’m, they’re telling me that the world will not end in a fiery crash. Under the eye. Or shame and humiliation. Yes. Even though I’m really scared. Even though it is really scary.
[01:09:07] Under the nose. It’s okay to feel this feeling for three seconds. It’s okay to feel this feeling for three seconds. And I’m going to do that right now. And I’m going to do that right. Three, two, one. Karate chop, or Kali Bon. I did feel it for just a little blip. I did feel it for just a little blip. Under the arm.
[01:09:38] And now I have to cough up a furball. Laughter.
[01:09:46] Top of the head. I built up my muscles a little bit. I built up my muscles a little bit. Eyebrow. I reconditioned my primitive brain a little bit. I reconditioned my primitive brain a little bit. Side of the eye. The earth is still spinning on its axis. The earth is still spinning on its axis. Under the eye.
[01:10:07] And I’m still sitting upright. And I’m still sitting upright. And nobody shamed or humiliated me. Yeah. And it’s okay to step out. And it’s okay to step out. And step back in another time later.
[01:10:31] I have really good muscles for stepping out. I have good muscles for stepping out. I want to practice stepping in just a little bit. I want to practice stepping in and facing some reality. Top of the head, I’m worried about shame and humiliation. I’m worried about shame and humiliation. And I might be able to experience this sensation anyway.
[01:10:56] And I might be able to experience this sensation anyway. Just take a gentle breath. When you can experience it, even for a few seconds and step out, you’re unhooking the wagon wheel, the wagon train of humiliation, pain, going to die, this is overwhelming. Each time you do it, it gets a little bit easier, and you’re building up the muscles to like, oh, this is the sensation of my body.
[01:11:21] Maybe I feel heavy, maybe my legs feel weak, maybe I have tingles or dizziness or whatever. Just feeling it for just a couple seconds. It’s an experience, but it’s not, you know, for most of us, it’s not going to actually kill us. I wouldn’t do this while you were driving, but yeah. Thank you, Rahul. It’s a great way to step into that.
[01:11:44] So let’s say you have a feeling that’s coming up over and over again, and it leads you to numbing out. The skill in this workshop, there are lots of skills that you can apply to that. Um, but the skill of this workshop is, is there a reality that I’m having difficulty being with? Or not. My primitive brain is active, and it wants to avoid, numb out is a kind of avoidance, it’s dissociating from something.
[01:12:16] And I’m, for me, if it’s been buzzing around in my head, putting it in some kind of physical form so I can see the words of it, like, okay, this is the unwanted rea the unwanted reality is, dot dot dot, uh, Write it down, and what really makes this unwanted is what matters to me, my truth, the truth that matters to me, is, and you bring your energy inside of yourself, that know yourself feeling, like, I know that this is true.
[01:12:55] Respect really matters. Kindness matters. Safety matters. Consent matters. Whatever is coming to you, those are offerings. Um,
[01:13:07] and from that place, I see some possibilities for kindness in my world. I can be, I can be kind with myself for being a sensitive soul. I can be kind, I can think of a kindness that I can, I can offer to, um, My furry friend or to someone else in my life. Um, I, you start looking for options. We have a default, we have defaults.
[01:13:46] What do we do when? And if you notice the reality, like, oh, even though I’ve got a default, I, I go to solitaire. I go to solitaire. I numb out. I numb out. It’s okay. It’s okay. I accept that that’s a reality for me. I accept that’s a reality for me. Oh, and my truth is I like more options than that. My truth is I like more options than that.
[01:14:19] Yeah, that’s nice. I wonder what those might be. They might be so for people that are freedom oriented. If, if something is happening where an energy comes up
[01:14:38] and I go to do the same thing repeatedly, maybe I have a couple of different things, um, that are just defaults, they’re avoidance. Um, I am not saying that it’s always, that the alternative is to face your, face your fears, face your reality. No, actually, but it could be that my being Would like the option of picking up my iPad and a pen, my pencil and drawing some of my feelings.
[01:15:12] We have an art with friends group. And one of the things that, that feels so true is that a lot of times people will, will, will draw some of their emotions and I’ve been doing that with AI or just scribbles. Like you’d be amazed when I, when I have that available to me, it feels. More like I’m keeping what matters to me alive.
[01:15:41] My life force isn’t being numbed out. It is being finding a channel which matters to me. You know, if, if you love social media, if you get, I, I get a lot from social media. Um, and there’s this point where I know I’m turning to it to avoid something. I am not facing my, it feels different than, Oh, I wonder what’s going.
[01:16:13] I wonder what, I think Rebecca went horseback riding. I feel up. Look, she’s in Crested Butte. You know, um, like I can feel something that’s going on and be excited to go there and experience it, or it can be an avoidance. The problem with it being both, the reality is if I go to it as an avoidance, it actually depletes me from enjoying it when it’s right for me.
[01:16:39] If that makes any sense. So what matters to me is to be social at times when social is good for me, when I resourced enough, and when I’m ready to be exposed to some things that maybe are like, oh, um, so this is this is the skill part of it is, hey. If we have a pattern, what’s a reality that triggers it?
[01:17:03] If I can face that reality, feel the feelings, and then come back quickly, 3 seconds, 30 seconds, whatever it takes, to like, okay, what is my truth? My truth is that that person matters to me more than what I’m getting from them. Okay? So what do I, what are some options here? Oh, I can tell them I don’t like you anymore.
[01:17:27] Even if it’s not true, that’s, that’s like my primitive brain. Um, I can, I can honor how I feel and express that to me. Or to Kathy, um, I’ve talked to her about people that are no longer in my life and like what matters to me and in that expression from someone who is dear and close to me and I have her respect and she has mine and we, we know each other deeply.
[01:17:55] Um, I can share something that I could never imagine would be well received. The unwanted reality is that, that them that I was talking about is not going to receive that kind of heartfelt acknowledgment. Um, there’s no space for it anymore, but there is with Kathy and that’s another option here is that I believe we often avoid realities that we are not meant to carry alone.
[01:18:26] And as we cultivate the skill within us of being with a reality. of our own, it gives us a lot more capacity to be with the reality that is true for someone else. Oh, your, your furry friend is, is dying or has died. Your loved one is sick. Your child is moving away. You have friends and family in dangerous places around the world.
[01:18:57] You know, my tender heart is like, I wish that wasn’t your reality, but I’m cultivating a pathway. And we are as a community in the circle, cultivating pathways where we can, we can stay present rather than avoidant, right? We don’t have to tell people what to do in order to make it, um, to push it away. We can be with, Hey, I, I feel you.
[01:19:26] And I, I know that what matters to you is safety, respect, and freedom, and there’s none of that in this situation. And, um, I, I’m blessed to know you and love you and, and know that that matters to you. Notice how I’m embracing what someone else… matters to them. When we get deep enough with people that we know what matters to them, we can, we can help them with this process too.
[01:19:53] I know what matters to you and it’s not present here. That must, that’s really hard.
[01:20:00] That was beautiful. Any closing thoughts, Kathy? Um, well, someone said, are there other reasons for blaming and shaming others and feeling powerless? And I think it’s important to notice that. People could be doing something that’s harmful to us, or they might be crossing a boundary and we’re angry and if we don’t feel safe expressing that anger or setting, we don’t, we may feel that they won’t listen to that boundary or listen to our, like, hurt about something, that can bring us right back to shaming and blaming.
[01:20:28] So there can be other reasons than, like, we, we might feel powerless about a variety of different things, but I think that often shaming and blaming is a good indicator that we’re feeling pretty powerless. And I just want to honor each of you for being here tonight, for sharing so vulnerably, and, and, and, Openly in this, in this cause, this topic is so dear to me because I grew up pretending and the people around me grew up pretending and I’m just tired of it.
[01:20:56] I want to get better and better at being with reality. And I still want to honor the fact that I can pretend like hell if I need to. Um, There are times when I’m going to pretend because it’s the safest choice or the most expedient. It’s a choice, but I want to be able to be with reality. I want to be more and more here and now and experience the joy that the world brings and all the different feelings.
[01:21:22] So thank you for coming along with us and for experimenting and playing. Realize that you built some muscles and you also worked hard today. So Thank you. If you can, drink some water, give yourself some time to chill and let this integrate. And thank you so much for being part of this. Thank you, Kathy. Go creating.
[01:21:43] My pleasure. Ah, and our next session is on being generous without giving in. We’ll be emailing that out to the list. If you’re new to us, thrivingnow. com, you can sign up for notifications of our next Real Skills Workshops. Thank you. Thanks. All right.
[01:22:04] Till next time. Bye.
Great to have you on this journey with us!
This is lovely in showing the same truth from different vantage points can be perceived differently. Humbling… and Enlivening. How might I see this truth that matters to me from a different vantage point?
The more I can “accept” the way things actually are, especially in time and space and different perspectives ALL, the more free I feel to choose focus, energy direction, inspired action, and allowing life to unfold.
This is definitely an active skill for me. It happens through conscious choosing (and re-choosing).
“Painful battle when you struggle against what is” – including styles of relating. Wow.
It’s definitely one of my gaps – acceptance of personality styles and diversity of approaches, perceptions, and the interpretation (stories) of what is, what happened, and what needs to happen.
The more acceptance I can bring to this area, the more free I feel. Weird, isn’t it? How a part of us wants the world to blippin’ be what we demand it to be… and how much life force we’re willing to exert to force it to be that way!
I see it in my almost 3-year-old, for example. The “demand” that rises in her for THIS… and definitely NOT THAT! It can be around changing literal shit in her diaper, where she is a NO and I am a “Dear Heavens, we have to change it NOW!”
I don’t want to “give up” the desire and even life force to evoke change in myself, my home, my world. But if I treat it as a “battle for supremacy,” it’s a war inside and out.
I share this because I’m about to embark tomorrow on 4 days with me alone with the kids from morning until evening. I want to remember that the impulse to demand is in me and us all, and the coaxing I want for myself is to explore the Yes-Yes-Yes of the three of us wherever possible. Knowing it won’t PERFECTLY mesh with how “life could be” if I was King. 
