Real Skills Workshop - Community Event
Delayed Gratification
Real Skills Workshop: Thriving Lifestyle
Hosts: Rick Wilkes (@Rick) and Cathy Vartuli (@Cathy)
Recorded Tue Aug 30 2022
Watch the Replay Below
But I’d like this NOW!!! 
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Having Trouble Getting Off The Couch To Get Things Done?
Did you know that the ability to delay gratification is scientifically linked to success and abundant lives?
There’s one study that linked the ability to wait to eat a marshmallow (the child could eat one now, or wait a few minute and get 2 marshmallows). They tracked the children over time and saw that the ones that could wait to get a bigger reward later were more successful in life.
I personally think that the study tracked trauma response as much as willpower to delay… After all, the survival brain that is reactive isn’t going to want to wait for a reward that might not come. A fearful and traumatized brain will want to take the good stuff and run before it disappears!
And, as we clear traumas and negative experiences from our systems, rebuilding the ability to delay gratification can be a powerful tool in our toolbox!
When we feel depleted, we often want to rush to good experiences to get a dopamine response – that feel good sensation may be in short supply if we’re stressed or going through a hard time.
If you have been binge watching a new series on Netflix… And you REALLY need to get the laundry done for tomorrow, but you keep telling yourself “Just One More!” this is a great time to build the delayed gratification muscle and collaborate with your brain to create a balance of feel good with “get 'er done!”
If your survival brain doesn’t trust that you’ll have good times again, commit to working WITH it!
Watch 5 more minutes and then tell your brain you’ll watch more once you gather the laundry.
Pause the TV, comfort your brain that is now feeling dopamine deprived, and spend a few minutes gathering dirty laundry. (Only a few minutes, pretend your mother is doing a surprise visit if that helps!) Cheer yourself on for getting that done!
Go back and watch 10-20 minutes more, letting your brain know that you kept your word about getting back to TV!
Once you’ve gotten another dose, do the next step in 1-5 minutes. If that’s sort the laundry, do that (does anyone sort anymore?!), or start the first load. Celebrate!!
Then come back and give yourself a mindful dose of TV. Rinse and repeat until you have clean clothes for tomorrow, and your brain has stretched a bit and has the idea that pausing the TV doesn’t mean forever. Make sure to appreciate your efforts each time!
If you have resistance to that, and/or want to build your muscles to the next level around delayed gratification, join us for a mini-workshop on Building the Muscles for Delayed Gratification!
This donation-based EFT Tapping and Coaching session is 90 minutes long and is designed to help us rebalance and focus our energy in ways that support a thriving lifestyle!
P.S. Our Circle Membership - now available for
a one-time payment on a gliding scale.
Circle Members get all Real Skills Workshops (and much more)!
We hope you’ll join us!
Cathy & Rick
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule Private, Gliding Scale Coaching Sessions Here
P.S. Adira says, “Yes, I took 5 minutes to sweep… and I feel so accomplished. Now, back to Cocomelon on Netflix!”
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What energy she has for wanting it now! I guess it’s better than freezing and shutting down but the destruction doesn’t help.
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Oh! Veruca! I was confused. Thought you meant Adira!
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Yes I posted it right under the video and it jumped down to under Adira’s picture and I wondered if it made sense.
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Your Future Self Matters!
Last night I did the dishes. Tired. Needing rest. If I only cared about the “now” I would have gone to bed. Left the dishes for the morning.
That would be leaving the dishes for my Future Self.
Last night though, I smiled for a moment, imagining my Future Self getting up from sleep, coming downstairs, and finding the counters clean and ready for making coffee. It felt like a real blessing to my future self to delay the pleasure of getting right to bed.
Dishes done, I got the gratification of knowing I had given a love gift – Acts of Service is a love language! – to the me that is writing this to you right now at 630am. So I say to the Me that did that last night:
“Thank you, Dear Heart! I appreciate the gift of time and attention you’ve given me. It frees me to focus on what matters to me this morning.”
My Future Self Matters. YOUR Future Self Matters!
Indeed, metaphysically, we are often gifting to our Future Self from the choices and actions we do today. How often to we allow ourselves to feel appreciation for that?
For most of my life I had an unconscious relationship with my Future Self. Yeah, I’d get pissed at my Past Self for not doing the dishes or washing the laundry or making enough money. But I almost never thought – much less was intentional – about the Me that would rise in the morning, or be ten years downstream from today.
Cathy is the one who changed this for me. She talked about her Future Self. I could see that the real skills she had developed for her emotional well-being were often gifts she’d given “back then” to who she would be.
This is utterly different from how I was taught. Yeah, “saving for retirement” is bland compared to buying dinner for my Future Self and his loved ones.
Can you feel the difference? We can tend to our Future Self with small acts of kindness. We can provide resources to our Future Self. And yes, we can develop skills and physical and emotional resilience that serves our future self, too.
And you know what’s Amazing? My future self reciprocates! Last week there was a night where it would have been HARD to do the dishes before bed. My Future Self said, “No problem. Get some rest. I’ll take care of it.” The next morning, rising to all those dishes, my Future Self gladly took care of it for the Too Tired Me of the night before.
This is what Delayed Gratification actually means to me. It’s the capacity (developed as a real skill over time) to feel your Future Self and be kind, considerate, and of service to Them – and Them to You Now.
This gliding scale EFT Tapping and Coaching session is 90 minutes long and is designed to help us feel the truth about our Future Self and have a sweet, mutual love relationship with them!
We hope you’ll join us!
Rick & Cathy
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule Private, Gliding Scale Coaching Sessions Here
P.S. Adira says, “Love can be engineered… Did you know that?”
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I think that one of the fundamental and important distinctions between human animals and (probably) all other animals (maybe?) is that we humanoids can be of ‘two minds’ about something…'should I/shouldn’t I? “part of me wants this but another part of me wants that”…“do the dishes or go to bed”…and there’s a million derivations and expressions of that 'two mind ’ behaviour …my best guess is that this is an experience unique to humans, certainly the degree and persistence to which we can participate in having 'two minds’ about something is I would guess. And I always considered that a sort of flaw in the OS of humans because of how problematic it is for most of us. It stalls me and is often at the root of procrastination for me.
But as you describe Delayed Gratification above (which I can see being an expression of having ‘two minds’ about something) I see the possibility of using this OS ‘flaw’ (maybe it’s just a feature and not a flaw?) (as I had perceived it) skillfully and use it in our favour. How we interact with and navigate our tendency of having 'two minds’ about something is what determines whether it is indeed a flaw or simply a feature of being human that we can have agency with and use it toward thriving.
Thank you Rick for providing me the opportunity to walk through this!!
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Now OR Later?!? Now FOR Later!
Eat it now, or eat it later? If we are feeling emotionally deprived, we’ll likely eat it now – even if we’re not hungry.
Do it now, or do it later? If we’re feeling burdened – put upon by a ton of have-to’s – we’ll likely put it off just to feel a little bit freer.
If those patterns of impulsive eating and reactive procrastination do not serve us… it’s time to shift into a new attitude that supports our thriving.
What might that be?
Most people have heard of Delayed Gratification. When I hear that I immediately believe I’ll need to deprive myself now in order to maybe get rewarded later. Ugh. What does that term evoke in you?
We’re transforming the energy. Taking it from a binary choice of “now OR later” to a conscious intention: Now FOR Later! For the me and we to come.
But here’s the cool thing… I just finished eating an apple with almond butter. A “past Rick” thought ahead and ordered enough apples and almond butter so that I had it available this morning. There was even enough to share with the family!
A “past Rick” thought about laundry, did it, and after my shower I have a clean towel and clean clothes to change into. The GRATITUDE was delayed… from the time the clothes were done… until now, when I have a need for them.
Of course, the energy flow is cut off if I feel not gratitude for the me who did the laundry when he was tired in order for me to have my needs met now.
Most of us have experienced what it is like to be “taken for granted” in a relationship. It is… depleting. The joy of being of loving service drains out.
But we do this with ourselves! We take so many of the acts of loving service for granted. “Well, of course I did the laundry. I HAD TO!”
Imagine if you had the skill of being aware that a task you were doing would make life better and easier for your future self. And then when that “now” arrives where life IS better and easier, you paused for a breath and accepted the gift… felt the gratitude?
Perhaps no one outside of ourselves knows how heroic it might be to do the laundry and put it away. Or move our body each day to build some stamina and resilience. But WE do. WE know. It really is “up to us” to actively receive the gift and use that energy for our thriving now.
To me this is a skill, not one that came “naturally” to me. Even if I got a lot done, I’d rarely if ever acknowledge it in the future.
How about you? How regularly do you pause to appreciate what you did for yourself yesterday? Or 4 years ago?
Your PAST SELF Matters! Your FUTURE SELF Matters! If you get in the habit of connecting acts of self service and gratitude through time like this, you’ll discover (as I have) that it boosts your energy for living.
If this appeals to you, join us!
This gliding scale EFT Tapping and Coaching session is 90 minutes long and is designed to help us release resistance and activate self-nourishment.
Rick & Cathy
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule Private, Gliding Scale Coaching Sessions Here
P.S. Adira says, “Working hard today… to enjoy my castles tomorrow.”
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Delayed Gratification – Workshop Session Recording
We welcome your insights, ah-ha’s, and sharing. Please! Click [Reply]
Click for Computer Generated Transcript
RS 2022-08-30 Gratification
[00:00:00] Delayed gratification, a real skills workshop. And I think that delayed gratification, when you really understand the energetics of it contributes to a thriving life and you know, this was scheduled for a month ago and we delayed everyone’s gratification of being here and being a part of the workshop.
[00:00:21] Um, and so thank you for being here. Uh, Kathy, Tuli from the intimacy dojo and thriving now is my co-creator tonight. I’m Rick from thriving now. Yeah. And I love this topic because I do think. That it, this is one of the keys to having a successful, fulfilling life. And I don’t think that it applies the way a lot of people think it does.
[00:00:47] So in one of the newsletters we send out, I talked about, they did a study, a very long term study. They took a bunch of kids in a one by one, into a room. And they were told that they, the researcher put down a marshmallow and said, you can have this marshmallow now. Or if you can wait a couple minutes, you’ll have two marshmallows.
[00:01:06] And then they left the room and they, they studied which kids ate the marshmallows right away and which ones waited. And then they followed them through life and they found the ones that didn’t eat the marshmallow, the ones that could wait a little bit of time in order to get double, the pleasure, um, were much more successful in their life.
[00:01:25] Now they, the researchers took this to be mean that if you had willpower. In discipline or you’re willing to delay gratification, you are more successful in life. I actually think that they were studying inadvertently. They were studying who was traumatized. Who the, like, I think a lot of people, like if, if you have a lot of trauma, Rick and I were talking just before this call, if you had very untrustworthy adults around you, people made promises and didn’t follow through, uh, people took your things.
[00:01:56] You’re not, or you are not getting enough food. You’re not that marshmallow is barely gonna hit the table before it’s gone. Someone might lose a finger if they’re not careful. Um, whereas someone who has plenty, they have abundance, they have a secure attachment and reliable resources and people generally do what they say or come through and say, Hey, you know, I’m, I know we said, we go to the circus, mommy’s sick, we’re gonna do something.
[00:02:18] You know, I’m really sorry. We’re gonna do something different. Those kids could probably go, oh, well, if I sit here and wait, there are gonna be two marshmallows. So I don’t know that they were actually studying what they thought they were studying. Um, but it was a very, it was a very comprehensive study done very well.
[00:02:35] Um, but I think they were actually looking at trauma responses as well without. Understanding that, and what we wanna do today is help you understand where you can start working. I think most people have some trauma if you’re drawn to Rick and I, you’re not coasting through life and things, aren’t no hunky Dory all the time and you wanna make things really different.
[00:02:57] You’re not just kind of existing and hoping that they’ll get better. So there’s a balance between healing old things and building up the muscles around self, you know, delayed gratification and building for our future ourselves. And when we can find that balance somewhere, you and get it somewhere in the middle, we start thriving a lot more quickly.
[00:03:19] Uh, if you’re on the call live, thank you and welcome. And we appreciate your co-creation and your courage. Um, I’d like to ask for, um, for Kathy and, and my input in the chat, if you’re up for it, what reaction happens to you when you just hear delayed gratification? Like, what is that? What happens? What’s your thought?
[00:03:46] What’s your, like, what’s in your body? What’s your reaction to it? Like,
[00:03:58] so why? And, uh, oh, someone associates the term with kink, it can be sexy to have someone say no, not, not yet, or like, uh, it can be a form of, uh, dominance, someone telling someone else to wait, um, denying pleasure. Someone shared. Um, I think that it’s immediate pleasure. Um, control, discipline. Uh, heck no, I want it now.
[00:04:29] dead feeling this that’s life. It sucks. I’m asked to wait again again, it makes me a little, I have to wait again. Yeah. A little panicky. A yeah, Uhhuh. Um, so thank you. That, that helps it really. Um, and the chat is open. Um, you’ll notice we, we try to remember not to reveal people’s names, um, just to share someone in the chat, uh, as, as part of our process, um, the gratification ever comes.
[00:05:04] Yeah. So like, I would like to honor, we’ve talked about trauma and we’ve talked a little bit about the conditioning. Um,
[00:05:18] I I’m starting to tap because there was so much judgment about. Like, oh, he, he just, he, he, if he, if he, so in the stressful times of my life, when I was a kid and I felt extremely unsafe going to my dad’s place, I would buy with all of my allowance, Reese cups when they used to taste good. Not like, not like they make 'em now.
[00:05:49] Um, I have so much compassion for that little kid though, trying to find a way to make it through this round whole situation. And we would typically be heading. Like eight kids in the back of a, of a station wagon with a dad that was already threw six beers, you know, and we were driving down. Uh, my dad could really hold his alcohol by the way, like six beers, I’d be dead.
[00:06:17] And, you know, I’ve seen, I, I saw him drive without hitting guardrails with 18 beers in, in an hour and a half truck. So, but still there’s an energy of somebody who’s drinking and driving, not just the safety factor. And so, you know, at the time to give away my age, since I am, uh, gonna be 60 in September, um, Reese’s were like 5 cents and then they doubled like, they’ve come 10 cents.
[00:06:48] And my, my allowance was 50 cents. So I have like 10 and then I would usually like bring money with me that I had earned by doing stuff. So I might be bought like 10 or 12 packs. So that’s. A lot weeks ago and I just ate. 'em all like in the hour drive, I might, I might have like, gotten so full of them that I might have, like in the trash, in the bag, I might have had one package left, but now that was not about a enjoyment.
[00:07:29] That was like my, my impulse control to savor my, my receipts. It was it that was not available to me. And then in my, my twenties, when I was really, um, stressed to the max working 120 hour weeks, guess what I did, I bought Reesey cups. And I, at that point I became aware like this is really pretty pathological.
[00:07:56] You know, I would’ve read the study. I had heard about the studies about impulse control and things like that. And I had this little mantra and I made it kind of like if he has them, he will eat them. If he has them, he will eat them. And, you know, it’s, it’s honestly been in this couple weeks where we’ve been talking about this workshop that I realized with a lot of, with some tears and compassion that I just didn’t have a choice.
[00:08:25] And so like, if there’s a part of your life or maybe right now where you look at it and go, wow, my impulse control really sucked. Maybe it was during COVID period. Maybe it was, you know, the last 10 years, maybe it was a segment of your life. Um, it could apply to a lot of things, not just candy or food. Um, we, we humans.
[00:08:51] We have a primate brain, we call it the primitive brain and it needs something that you could call gratification, even if it feels pretty, um, temporary, not very deep. It’s like eating those Reeses. Something would happen in my body that felt like okayness. It was, it was a kind of nourishment and in our, and that’s one way.
[00:09:20] And if you, if you have the skill of nourishing medicating yourself in that way, I believe that those of us that have done that are, are, are really set up to appreciate that the energy that we got, even though it was very short lived, and may have had some other things around it, that there’s a thriving aspect of delayed gratification, and I’m even gonna call it queue gratification.
[00:09:48] It’s setting ourselves up so that. What we do now allows us to appreciate and feel nourished an hour later, a day later, a week later. Um, and that, that creates an energetic cycle that is deeper within us and it starts building, um, what Kathy we’re, we’re gonna talk about credibility with yourself. It’s, it’s different than trust.
[00:10:18] I think that’s why I’m really delighted to see where Kathy goes with it. Credibility with yourself like, oh, I do this. And then when I receive it an hour or a day or a week later, um, I pause and I let myself really feel my life has this virtuous cycle. A virtuous cycle is how we move energy in a way that builds.
[00:10:47] Builds what we want builds the lifestyle of energy and emotions that we want. And I’ve been practicing this at an, at the next level, um, as a student, before becoming a teacher again on it. Um, and I will tell you this morning, I knew that after watching the baby all day long, cuz um, there was an appointment for, for my boy and uh, and, and Jim this morning and then Jim had a client after watching her all day long.
[00:11:24] If I had to figure out what I was going to have for dinner, I like, oh, so I did grocery shopping even though I didn’t want to, um, on the app. Thank you. um, and when it came time to cook dinner and I knew exactly what was there. I had choice I could feel into what was right. I could ask my partner what was right for her.
[00:11:53] And I, I had choice and I, I just paused. I was like, thank you, buddy. now this may seem absurd
[00:12:06] and not it’s, it’s a, a way, uh, like to me, it made it a lot easier for me to do the shopping, without feeling like I had to, without that energy of, oh, we got nothing to eat. I better shop. No, it was like, Hey, I, we got, we got enough for right now, but I’m gonna take care of myself. That’s coming up this evening.
[00:12:31] And, and for those of you that are energetically sensitive, you may even feel like there’s a real sense of gratitude that I feel for myself having done that. And that nourished me enough to be able to be here also. Go ahead, Kathy. Thank you. Well, I think that when we’ve had a lot of trauma where we feel very depleted, our world gets very, we start getting more narrow focus.
[00:12:54] We don’t see the future. And I know during COVID, there were times cause everyone was talking about like, you know, especially when I first started, no one knew how badly things were gonna fall apart. And so there wasn’t necessarily a future. Like we might be all dying for all we knew at that point. So it was very hard for me to do things for my future self.
[00:13:15] I didn’t feel secure in the world. I felt very scared. Um, I felt depleted and deprived. Like I, I was, I wasn’t getting enough dopamine anyway because I wasn’t, all my friends were pulled away. Like my security, the things I was looking forward to. And for many of us that’s well, there’s some tapping on this.
[00:13:34] Yeah. Karate chap, even though there may not be anything to look forward to right now. even though a part of me may not, not think there’s anything to look forward to right now. There may actually be some future. There may actually be some, some future, even though I feel so depleted, even though I feel so depleted emotionally or physically or both, I’m not sure if I’ll make it to tomorrow.
[00:14:07] Pardon me? He’s not sure I’ll make it till tomorrow. I don’t know that I have anything to invest in the future. I don’t know that I have anything to invest in the future. And part of me still wants to hope. And part of me still wants to hope. Top of the head, things seem really dark. Sometimes things seem really dark.
[00:14:27] Sometimes I wrote, it’s really hard to say for a future that may not come. It’s really hard to say for a future that may not come side of the eye to put energy into something that may never happen. But energy into something that may never happen under the eye. And yet the earth still keeps turning and yet the earth still keeps turning under the nose and I’ve gotten through some pretty rough times in the past,
[00:14:55] and I’ve gotten through some pretty rough places in the past. Jen, what if I could start building a muscle for investing in myself? What if I could start building a muscle about investing in myself, my future soul collarbone. I only have to take very small steps and the good news is I only have to take very, very small steps under the arm.
[00:15:19] Just taking those steps may give me more hope for the future. Taking those steps may give me more hope for the future top of that. And I’m curious about developing the relationship with my future self. And I’m curious about developing a relationship with my future self. so just take a breath.
[00:15:44] There’s an investment in energy whenever we make any change. So Newton’s law of inertia, like things that an, an object in emotion will continue in that same motion until something acts on it. So if we’re sitting on the couch watching Netflix and we have, you know, enough, maybe we have our, our food, some munchies or whatever, there, there’s not much like we’re in inertia.
[00:16:07] There’s like, oh, I’m getting I’m, I’m entertained. I have enough food. Why would I wanna change anything? Why would I wanna stop interrupt this, interrupting that experience, that flow, um, takes energy. And unless we have a really good reason to do it, it can easily in that I’ve been there, like, especially during COVID where 12 hours passed.
[00:16:30] And I was like, huh, I think I should probably go, go pee. Like I haven’t even gotten off the couch. It’s probably time, but. That that, um, changing our, our changing, what we’re doing can feel like a lot of effort, especially if we’re really low on what, whatever we’re getting from whatever we’re doing. So watching TV, watching Netflix or streaming videos or flipping through the cats on Facebook, there’s a, they’ve, they’ve set up our media system so that we’re getting little dopamine rushes, we’re hunting for something cool, finding it and getting a little dopamine rush.
[00:17:06] It’s very intentional and it works. Our brain goes, ah, I won and I didn’t have to put a lot of effort. I wasn’t like walking through the neighborhood, looking for something cool. I’m laying on the couch, eating potato chips. Um, so our survival brain is going, we’re winning. We’re not expending a lot of energy.
[00:17:21] We’re hunting and gathering. We’re getting this dopamine rush and dopamine is, um, I’ve been listening a lot to a lot of Tom Belu Belu, uh, who is. An influencer on, uh, YouTube. And he’s the one who actually used the per the credibility with yourself. Um, I kind of take that to mean more of a secure attachment with yourself, where we show up for ourselves in a reasonable way.
[00:17:46] We do what we say we’re consistent with ourselves. We, we tell ourselves, I’m gonna give you this. If you do this, and then we actually do it. And like, I, you know, I’ll appreciate you. We’ll be appreciative later, like Rick was talking about, so really using some of the secure attachment things we would do with a child or a pet that we wanted to bond with with ourselves.
[00:18:09] And also understanding that we’re fighting a survival brain that is often overwhelmed and is tricked by things that give it what resembles to it as a, uh, a winning situation. So we were born to hunt and gather, like we were born to like hunt for cool things and bring them back to the cave and share them with the rest of our circle.
[00:18:31] And if we don’t, you know, we’re getting, we feel like we’re getting that, but we’re not getting the movement. We’re not getting the social interactions. We’re kind of tricked with fake sugar, if that makes sense. Yeah. So we’re getting the dopamine rush and it’s hard to that. I’d like to just take a two tapping rounds on, on that.
[00:18:52] If we could talked about it being big, sometimes a hard deal, right. Um,
[00:19:05] even though delayed gratification feels really hard, even though delayed gratification feels really hard and sometimes it has felt impossible and sometimes it’s felt impossible. I accept where I’ve been. I accept where I’ve been and I acknowledge
[00:19:29] sometimes it’s hard. I acknowledge sometimes it’s hard, even though delayed gratification feels really big. even though delayed gratification feels really big. The good news is I can take really small steps. The good news is I can take really small steps top of the head. This doesn’t have to be a big deal.
[00:19:51] This doesn’t have to be a big deal. I bro, this can be one thing a day. This could be one thing a day out of the eye. One tiny thing, one tiny thing under the eye. It doesn’t even have to be a big. It doesn’t even have to be a big deal. No, it doesn’t have to be life changing. It doesn’t have to be life changing.
[00:20:08] And it’s an attitude adjustment. It’s an attitude adjustment. Oh, I’m changing my frame of reference. I’m changing my frame of reference. I haven’t really thought about my future self. I haven’t really thought about my future self. Not the way we’re exploring it right now. Not the way we’re exploring it right now.
[00:20:28] I would have, what if I’ve really been pretty, pretty courageous for my future self . What if I’ve actually been really pretty courageous for my future? And if I wasn’t, I probably wouldn’t be here right now because if I wasn’t, I probably wouldn’t be here. Right. Ah, there’s a lot. That’s gone into me being here right now.
[00:20:47] There is a lot that’s gone into me being here. Right. And some of it’s been really hard and some of it’s been really hard.
[00:20:57] I think that if we can just take a minute and if you’d like to put your hand on your heart, like Rick is just think of your past self. So we’ve been talking about our future self, but think about like Rick was talking about himself as a little kid, trying to find a solution, limited resources. Mom and dad are overwhelmed.
[00:21:15] Not really able to can’t really talk to them about what’s going on or they can’t change it. What’s happening. Figuring it out. Each of like each of you went through probably something that was pretty challenging. And if you can just se just send some gratitude back to that younger self that maybe they didn’t figure out the perfect solution.
[00:21:35] You wish they’d learned how to fly or, you know, psychoanalyze their parents or whatever, but they figured out a solution that got you to. maybe it was eating a lot of Reese’s peanut butter cups, or maybe it was, you know, whatever we do, we have all kinds of patterns. We follow avoiding certain things, or, but that, that little being got you here and gratitude is one of the biggest dissolves of trauma.
[00:22:02] If you can send back like, Hey sweetheart, I remember that time that you got up and you didn’t think you’d get outta bed. It was really tough. And you remembered there was COA puffs in the kitchen. That’s one of mine that got me outta bed that morning. I could go eat COA puffs and watch a little bit of cartoons before my, my mom and dad got up and got into things.
[00:22:21] That was huge. Thank you, sweetheart. Thank you for finding some reason for keeping going and bringing you to the here and now. Um, so here’s an interesting thought. We did some tapping on it being hard, the challenges of it right now, and all I did was open up a door and maybe you went through it, maybe you didn’t and Kathy just opened up another door.
[00:22:49] The same that there’s a lot of you from the past that gave you enough awareness and adaptability and resilience to be able to do this type of exploration. This is not kindergarten. Okay. And, and I believe that part of delayed gratification is there are a lot of things that exist in your life journey that you could pause and be grateful.
[00:23:27] And I I’ve been a colleague of Carol look for a long time. I will tell you that, you know, what am I grateful for right now? Um, that is really hard for me. That that’s really hard for me now. What’s easier. What. Past Rick do an hour ago earlier today, yesterday last week, a year ago, 10 years ago, when he was a kid that I’m actually harvesting the benefit of his persistence, his not giving up his, his capacity to survive, um, his, his dream of actually being able to control his emotions or whatever it is.
[00:24:18] Like, I, I can feel the me that was looking for EFT tapping and I, I get this nice little spiritual wave of gratitude. Um, and so like delayed G gratitude can be an opportunity to connect to the U that was doing, doing their shit and struggling or. Exploring or not giving up and feeling how that got you here.
[00:24:51] Yeah. Even like someone said, my rage got me here. Yeah. The U that had rage that, that energy, that fire was used. Um, so there’s that now
[00:25:07] in the small, in the idea of small step, because sometimes when we haven’t healed enough, in the sense of like, oh, if I touch myself in the back of that car, a lot’s gonna come up for me. Um, that would’ve been true for a lot of my life. I, I really wasn’t connected to little Ricky and what he was capable of doing and how he managed things.
[00:25:29] Um, there can be a U from an hour ago. Uh, like I looked at the kitchen and I, I mentioned dishes, uh, future salt. So I’m gonna use this example. I really wanted to take a shower. I hadn’t taken a shower. Um, and it was time and I wanted to take a nap before the, the call. And so, but as I was walking out, I, I looked over at the kitchen and I knew baby girl was going up to bed.
[00:26:00] And I thought, you know, there’s a me, that’s after this workshop, that’s gonna want to just kind of come down and just savor and, and be connected to everything. And everyone that was here and I thought, you know, If I spend 10 minutes now I’m giving a gift. And I, as part of this practice, I’m aware that there’s a cued up moment of gratitude when I walk down and I see the kitchen after the workshop, or even in between when we take our seven minute break, um, you know, there’s a, there’s a moment where if I pause and I’m like, that was, that was kind, that was generous.
[00:26:43] That was an act of service. That’s an act of love that I gave to myself that thank you for talking about secure attachment, because that’s, it’s not just that I come through for myself, but it makes it more conscious what we’re doing. And we do laundry, your, the future self that goes to the, the underwear drawer.
[00:27:07] There’s three pairs of paper underwear. Instead of that one ratty pair, that means you will do laundry today, or else you’re going commando tomorrow. Um, you know, like there’s, it’s a shift in energy and it cues up, it’s it cues up energy for, for you. And it starts tapping into resourcefulness and skill that you’ve already built.
[00:27:35] And I, I obviously I’m excited about it. I want to maintain this as a practice. Yeah. And I’m. Curious, what’s coming up for people. If you’d like to share in the chat, we touched on that. Well, while we’re waiting for other people, um, I did, I was someone shared that the uncertainty of the, of outcomes might have been what drove, drove you to the couch, to the first place.
[00:27:57] And a lot trauma is uncertainty that we don’t know if we can handle so uncertainty that we know we can handle that’s that can be excitement like, oh, dad’s throwing me up in the air and catching me. That’s I I’m certain he’s gonna catch me, but there’s still that kind of thrill excitement that the, I’m not sure if he’s gonna remember, or if he’s gonna miss that’s that’s trauma I don’t know if I’ll survive that.
[00:28:22] So there is a lot of uncertainty in peop in the lives built into the lives of many people with trauma insecure, attached, insecurely attached people feel they’ve experienced a lot of uncertainty, usually, cuz if there was certainty, generally there’s. Well, certainty of bad things is not good either, but if there was certain love and support, nobody’s perfect, but there wouldn’t be so much trauma.
[00:28:48] Yeah. And when we’re not sure if that future is gonna be there or if we’re investing money and we don’t know if the banks will be there, the monetary system will collapse. It’s really hard to take these actions. And I think it’s important to address is it, you wanna do some tapping on that? Oh, you just, you know, I could feel the flood of global.
[00:29:07] Um, being an empath here. Let me, let me stick my, my heart into the river of uncertainty that exists all over the planet. Well, there, there is, but we can start having any part of the, the small practices that we’re talking about are I am certain that I’ve done the dishes and I did it as a, a, um, a, something that’s queued up for me to be grateful for later.
[00:29:37] It’s tired and I don’t really notice it or something like that. Um, you know, maybe I’ll notice it tomorrow more, or I’ll think about it tomorrow morning or something. There’s not an obligation to feel grateful, tap, tap, tap. It’s it’s an opportunity for us to, to nourish, see some, you know, I’ve got a two year old, like I know the energetics of like what she wants to cultivate a healthy bond with an adult is that kind of presence and forethought and, and the like, and one of those is, you know, anticipating needs.
[00:30:19] Well, once when I ha when I’m feeling securely attached to myself, what am I doing? I’m anticipating my own needs. Even my needs 10 years, 20 years, 30 years down the road like that to me is, but it’s an energetic that, that this kind of simple practice it. If it requires a big Huges change, um, That’s not, not easy for me, all the things that we teach as real skills have as their essence, something that may be hard, but it’s good.
[00:30:52] And it’s doable. It’s not something that demands that you fundamentally change everything that you do in order to, we wanna have, we can’t have certainty in other people necessarily around the world, but we can have the certainty with our own secure attachment with ourselves are showing up for ourselves, um, that can create a, uh, uh, some certainty and some security as we go forward.
[00:31:19] I, I choose to show up for myself today. I’m going to build that credibility with myself where yeah, there might be times when I’m really just too tired to do something that I committed to, but in general, I’m gonna show up and do it. Um, I’m gonna be there for myself and I, one of the things I’ve noticed is.
[00:31:37] Just taking these small and we’re, we’ll give some examples in a little bit, but as we learn how to do these little delayed gratifications, these little bit of excursions where we build, we actually building muscle, um, so that we feel stronger about taking care of ourselves that increases the security and the sense of, Hey, I’m doing a good job for me.
[00:32:01] And that’s, that’s, there’s a bigger and better dopamine rush for me than watching Netflix all day. When I do some of those things. Mm-hmm,
[00:32:14] I’d like to just do a round of, um, I, the word deprivation keeps coming up and it’s just in the field. So I’d like to do one. Yeah. So if, if you imagine something that, you know, you, you feel like it, it would be deprivation if you delayed. If, if you delayed doing this in order to do this for your future self, um, it would feel like deprivation or to take like, and especially things that are like, um, the things that have longer term benefit.
[00:32:57] For example, um, if,
[00:33:03] if, if I’m tired, there’s a part of me that just wants to nap. I would delay the GRA. If I delay the gratification of napping in order to go for a walk, there’s a part of me. that I’ve had to quiet, that feels deprived of the freedom to just nap when I want, or, you know, to, to get my need met. I, I need to nap, you know, it’s not necessarily true and I’m not forcing myself to go for the walk, but that deprivation can that feeling like, oh, I would be depriving myself.
[00:33:38] Can, can skew our choice toward the, the primitive, the, the, the rest, the food, the, the pleasures of, um, that, that have impact if overdone, um, you know, 24 receives in an hour is, is a pleasure that can be, can be overdone, like 18 beers. You know, I, I inherited it. Uh, so that’s my. If you have something that like, ah, I just, I hate depriving myself, even though I hate depriving myself, even though I hate depriving myself and a part of me refuses to deprive myself and part of me refuses to deprive myself.
[00:34:28] What if delayed gratification is not about deprivation? What if delayed gratification is not about deprivation? Love head? It’s always felt like deprivation. It’s always felt like deprivation. I problem. Delayed gratification. Delayed gratification. Yeah. Why would I do that? Why would I do that? Part of me thinks that’s stupid.
[00:34:50] Part of me thinks that’s stupid and know, why would I delay gratification? Why would I delay gratification? I can have it now when I can have it now. Ah, but that sort of forces my choice. That kind of forces my choice. If I feel I’d be deprived, if I didn’t have it now, If I felt like I’d be deprived if I didn’t have it now.
[00:35:15] Yeah. That’s not freedom. That’s not freedom. I may want it now. I may want it now. Eyebrow. I may have it now. I may have it now. Yeah. There’s nothing wrong with having it now. , there’s nothing wrong with having it now. I just don’t want deprivation to force me to have it. Now. I just don’t want deprivation to force me to have it now who knows, or to feel guilty for having it now or to feel guilty for having it now or ashamed for having it now or ashamed for having it now?
[00:35:44] Well, my, I want to have a fuller range of choice. I want to have a fuller range of choice gonna our, and maybe gratification can be queued up for my future self and maybe gratification can be queued up for my future self.
[00:36:09] When, when you were go ahead. Just when you were leaning through that. I just had this vision of like, most of us learned about our first experiences with delayed gratification were probably a frustrated depleted parent demanding. We take the trash out right now, demanding. We clean up our crayons right now, demanding.
[00:36:28] It didn’t come from internal. It was externally imposed with an energy of, you have to do this now. And like there’s guilt and like not choice in there. You can’t have dessert until you do your chores. Even though I learned about delayed gratification from my parents, even though I learned about delayed gratification from my parents and teachers and they were often really frustrated when they talked about it with me and they were often very frustrated cuz I wanted it now they wanted me to do what they wanted to do right then.
[00:37:06] Yeah. They demanded that I do what they wanted me to. Needed me to do right then, uh, it wasn’t in my flow.
[00:37:15] pop up. That’s verbal,
[00:37:20] it wasn’t in my flow or in my choice, it wasn’t in my flow. And there wasn’t really a choice top of the head. I allow myself to step in my own power. Now allow myself to step into my own power. Now, eyebrow, if I choose to delay gratification, it’s coming from within. If I choose to delay gratification, it’s coming from within that’s where I wanna, yeah, I can adjust it around my flow.
[00:37:53] I can adjust it around my flow under the eye and to my energy levels and to my energy levels under the nose. I don’t have to let other people decide this for me. like, I don’t have to let other people decide this for me. Chin. I get to choose. What’s important. I get to choose what’s important collarbone.
[00:38:16] Maybe I can release some of that old energy around delayed gratification. Maybe I can release some of this old energy around delayed gratification under the arm and internalized my own power a lot more. I internalize my own power a lot more. Yeah. Just take a nice deep breath
[00:38:38] and realize delayed gratification. Isn’t when we’re talking about it doesn’t mean that it has to be unpleasurable we’re not asking you to ha hit your thumb with a hammer. You know, like we’re gonna turn off Netflix and go hit your thumb with a hammer. That’s not what we’re saying at all. We’re saying interrupt one, flow one, one pattern that you’re in at least for a few minutes.
[00:38:59] And then I was working with a client the other day. And this is actually where the thought for this topic came up, um, was she was having a hard time with the Netflix thing, getting caught on the couch and she really needed to do laundry. And I was, I we’re talking about a secure attachment with herself and she’s like, when I was, she was little, her mom promised her stuff all the time.
[00:39:18] It never came through for her. So like whatever she was promised, she didn’t get. So she doesn’t wanna turn off Netflix to go do the laundry because she feels then she’ll pull herself off into something else. And I was talking about secure attachment with her and I said, would you do that for one of your nieces or nephews?
[00:39:36] They’re just like, no, that’s really mean. I said, well, why are you doing that to you? what if you could, like, when we’re, we’re dealing with secure attachment, we like, and, and especially when we’re initially doing this very small steps, make it so much easier. So I said, what’s the, how much time do you need to go and get the clothes out of your bedroom in, in a laundry basket?
[00:39:58] She said probably 60 seconds. I said, so what if you told yourself I’m gonna at the next, you know, the next pause place where nor commercial would normally come in or whatever, there’s a place where you. Easily, push the button, pause it don’t even turn it off and go and get all the clothes in a basket in the living room.
[00:40:17] Can you do that? And, and she’s like, yeah. I’m like, then sit down and watch some more Netflix re you know, you told, tell yourself, I’m going to let you do this. We’re just interrupting it. You’re teaching your system that feels uncertain, that it will get it back here. We are. We’re gonna take you right back to this thing you were enjoying.
[00:40:37] And this may not be the, the right out, the right layout for everything, but this worked really well for her. And I said, how much time would you have to watch before you could do another 62nd thing? She said, uh, 20 minutes. I said, well, let’s make it 30. Just to really anchor that set a timer 30 minutes, and then plus, or minus minute or two.
[00:40:56] Pause and what’s the next task. And she’s like, take the laundry to the laundry room. I’m like, okay, can you do that? And she did that. And so like, she just broke it down. And by the end of the day, it did take her a number of hours to get the laundry done, but it was at least done. And she had clean clothes for the next day.
[00:41:13] And she ended up feeling so good cuz she was taking those little steps that she folded a lot of the clothes while she was watching Netflix later that night, it, she felt, oh, I’m not gonna be deprived of the, the thing I was enjoying. Isn’t gonna be taken away completely. I’m not trying to torture myself.
[00:41:31] And I think a lot of times. When we’re trying to work on willpower, if we can interrupt whatever’s happening in the background, we don’t let ourselves go back. Cause we’re afraid we’ll get sucked back in. Mm. And we just make ourselves work and work and work. So it’s like, why would I you’re telling me I’m just gonna put the laundry in, but I know you’re gonna make me scrub the bathroom and take out the trash and cook tomorrow’s dinner and it’ll, you know, I’ll be exhausted by the end of the day.
[00:41:57] Oh. So if we can build like building trust with ourselves is not just about like, it’s doing what we say. It’s not just about gratitude. It’s like, oh, can we have a, can we have a minute? Oh honey, I’m sorry. That took a minute and a half. I acknowledged that I misestimated the time, but we’re okay. We’re gonna watch a little extra right now to make up for it.
[00:42:20] So we’re actually building trust and we’re building the muscle of like, oh, let’s do a little bit let’s, let’s see that we could do a little bit and not feel depleted and deprived. It actually felt good to stretch my legs. Like I’m, I’m actually watch enjoying the show more knowing that I’m not sitting there worrying about not having clothes tomorrow.
[00:42:39] So those little steps it’s building the muscle and the trust. That’s really powerful.
[00:42:48] Mm. With Tinder realizing how often, you know, you. Here. I, I just sit and watch Netflix all day and I can’t do my laundry. And someone might react with a judgment that says, you’re weak. You just need to, you just need to do it. And that’s not trauma informed. And I appreciate that. One of the core values of, of thriving now is that we are, trauma-informed not only have we been traumatized, but everyone we love has gone through something.
[00:43:24] Uh, the, I just spent a lot of the excess of something and, you know, secure attachment is a powerful aspect. The energy aspect of secure attachment. Um, I think the words again, don’t the kinesthetic feeling of. Okay. I’m building credibility with myself. I’m, I’m coming up with a system that can work for me.
[00:43:49] I do the one minute I come back. I do a minute. I come back. I’m not using willpower. I’m using choice. It’s coming from an inner source that both this engagement with Netflix or whatever’s on there is it matters to me. It’s nourishing me in some way. It may be helping me cope with energies that I, I don’t know what else to do with, but it helps me and I value having some laundry to wear.
[00:44:17] I believe that at some point in the following 24 hours, there’s an opportunity to pause and be like, you. wow. I, I got the laundry done for me now. Like the it’s fresh, it’s clean and I’m, I’m appreciating the current, like for those of us that aren’t looking at it just as a task that was done, but we’re aware of the emotional labor and the healing and the level of like, wow, that go, that goes into just that like a minute, getting the laundry, um, you know, 15 seconds taking some, something that doesn’t belong there and putting it where it feels, right.
[00:45:06] Whether it’s the trash or in its place. Like for some people that’s a huge, like, there’s a lot of. But by doing these small things and completing the circuit so that not in a big way, it’s more like a, an it does, it doesn’t have to be a big way. It can be like, yep. Thank you. Thank you to your heart. Thank you for getting the laundry done.
[00:45:31] It feels really good to have these clean clothes. I know it was you talking about the, it was hard. Yeah, but I, and like you talking about picking up little things since I’ve been building more trust with myself, it used to be, if I, I was, there was resistance to putting one thing away because if I put one thing away, then I’m like, oh, I’m on a roll.
[00:45:48] I should just clean all day. like it, wasn’t just one thing and I didn’t have any trust with, I had no credibility, so I would just leave that one thing. I would never do it, and it would be kind of annoying and distant in my house. And since I’ve been building more trust, I noticed I just quickly put things away and it just, my house is much neater and I feel better about myself.
[00:46:10] I’m not constantly looking at things and trying to avoid them. It takes energy to kind of avoid and, and not deal with things. Ah, so we like to take a seven minute break. This feels to me like this is a, a good moment to do that. Um, and so during that time, if there’s anything you’d like to share in the.
[00:46:33] If there’s, um, needs that you have or desires, uh, maybe your future self would appreciate having an empty bladder from now rather than having to have some pressure, more pressure than is comfortable. Yeah. Go pee. Um, and, uh, yeah. So whatever is right for you. Um, and uh, if you’re listening to the recording, we invite you to do the same, take a, take a short break here, and we’ll be back at, uh, uh, 25 past.
[00:47:08] So, all right, welcome back. Yeah, just as we’re coming back, um, please. I was talking earlier about ment like inertia. We’re kind of in an inertial phase and changing. Changing that can take energy. I’d like to try invite you to try a little exercise. This is really, it’s actually lovely, but for many people it’s like, no, we’re supposed to get into the cl.
[00:47:33] We have like a direction we’re going. And we’re kind of like going that way. So I wanna interrupt that just a moment to invite you. What could you do to let yourself be 5% more comfortable right now? Could you shift how you’re sitting? Could you take a sip of water? Someone shared about like they get enough flow and they don’t don’t wanna stop to run to the restroom.
[00:47:57] Hopefully you took that time to do that, but could you, could you stop the inertia just long enough to consider what would make me 5% more comfortable right now is Rick stretching his neck? Um, I got a blanket for my legs, cuz it’s a little chilly in here. just noticing that that’s a little pause and it does take energy to do that.
[00:48:20] Just going along in the same pattern we expect, doesn’t take the same kind of psychic energy as pausing and noticing. Um, and we can get back in the flow. So we’re gonna get back in the flow of the talk. And I wanna point out that we just did kind of a, I don’t know if you wanna co I, I often talk about building the muscles for things.
[00:48:41] We just did a bar. We did, did a pull up or something where we stopped the flow gently for just 10, 20 seconds. And then we got back in. So that’s almost like. Lifted one, one bar, you know, one bicep curl or whatever it is to let ourselves step out and step back in. And we’re building trust with us ourselves in the sense that, oh, we had an intention.
[00:49:06] We’re going somewhere. We’re gonna, we say, we’re just gonna pause for a moment. We’re gonna check in with ourselves, maybe adjust a couple things, and then we’re gonna step back in. So the more we can allow ourselves to do those little, um, in massages, they call them half halts where you kind of gather the, you kind of like stop the momentum forward.
[00:49:24] Kind of gather the horse, gather yourself together a little bit and check in with yourself. Those are also, that’s a delayed gratification. You came back thinking we’re gonna dive in and start doing some tapping. And instead we just interrupted that just for a moment. And we went back to it. So. That’s way, like little things like that, that you can do.
[00:49:44] I know I’ve sat at a desk for an hour with all my leg feeling uncomfortable and like, oh, I don’t wanna stop to I’m in the mood to get something done. When, if I just taken a moment to stop and adjust myself, my, my body, I would’ve felt much more cared for. And, and probably would’ve had more energy at the end.
[00:50:03] So hopefully that would the virtuous cycle again is, um, so now I’m, I’m five, maybe even 10% more comfortable having done that. So a two second, like. Yeah, I did that. Huh? I’m grateful I did that. Cuz I’m more comfortable. Um,
[00:50:27] you give yourself just a little bit of gratitude for having done that exercise. If you did it, if you didn’t do it, it’s like, oh, well I didn’t. And you know, I went on with my freedom, you know, it, it’s the virtuous cycle of, of changing your momentum, um, and doing something else for a really short period of time and then receiving that energy of gratitude of the gift and the gratitude for the gift.
[00:51:05] Um, it’s an act of service. It’s a love language to do anything for yourself in the future. Um, uh, You do it in the now and the benefits accrue to you. If it’s something that is for your benefit, there are things that accrue to you and becoming aware of that, I think is part of the thriving lifestyle. This is a real skills workshop.
[00:51:29] These are, I haven’t met anyone that is just naturally grateful from the time that they’re, you know, uh, a year old. Um, some people it find it easier. Um, my, my trauma history makes it like, Hm. I need to have enough muscle to, to use awareness and to, to, as you build strength, it’s nice. Isn’t it? When, you know, if you can’t, if you can’t lift up, um, a trash can and you have to empty it in three trips, but you build a muscle to be able to empty it in one trip, and then you build up the energy to be able to carry a bag of, uh, you know, uh, mulch or something like that.
[00:52:14] Well, over the time that you were building muscle, you start noticing, and energy work is like that too. You may find like, oh, I didn’t feel a whole lot, but by pausing even for a few seconds, like, okay, this is, I could feel grateful to my past self for, um, having done that. Yeah. We’re not as good at it. When we’re first starting building this again, think of a small child, we do something that’s in short and duration and it’s not delayed too far into the future.
[00:52:47] So when we’re first starting this, a lot of small things that are not that hard. Um, and if we can anticipate something that you might really appreciate in the future, um, that can help the gratitude cycle, the, the loop come back. But again, like this was a, the exercise I had with what, what would make you 5% more comfortable?
[00:53:06] That’s a, a 10 to 22nd exercise that you immediately feel the results for versus putting money aside for when I retire, which I love to do, it’s one of my big things I’m saving for future Kathy Deb steak, with Rick on the beach somewhere or lobster or whatever it is, um, That’s much further out and, um, it’s, and it’s a bigger thing now, each month it automatically comes outta my paycheck.
[00:53:32] So like I’ve built up the muscle for that. So it happens automatically. I’ve built up the habit for that, but that wouldn’t, you know, that you can definitely start. With some of that, but just even starting with small things that you could do right now, like what can I do to feel better right now? Or what can I do that would help me feel better a little bit later, if there’s not a lot of trust with yourself, there’s a lot of uncertainty or a lot of trauma or your muscles feel weak around this.
[00:53:57] Even something that you’ll notice tomorrow might seem too far away. What are little things I can do right now? Could, what could I do now that will help me feel better 10 minutes or an hour from later from now. And one of the things I can do is bring that back. I have sat on that couch and worried about doing the laundry all day, and it really sucked the joy out.
[00:54:17] I spent far more psychic energy worrying about not having laundry than actually doing the work. So actually just getting it started, there’s a reward right there, like, oh, phew. I’m not sitting here spinning my wheels about it. So if we can notice the results sooner. You know, start, start with small things with a, a quick return on the, the investment that can help us build the muscles.
[00:54:42] Cuz we’re getting that feedback much quicker. We don’t wanna start. Like if you haven’t, if you haven’t walked in for a long time, walking around the block might seem huge or running a marathon would be impossible. But a lot of us start there because we’re taught about willpower and adrenaline versus self-actualization and building up internal resources.
[00:55:05] So we had someone that would like to work with us. Are you muted? How do you get muted? Oh, I was, I coughed. I muted. Um, do you see? Yeah. Um, okay. Cause I’m not seeing any hands raise. Oh, um, she raised her hand before and I messaged her to make sure. Yeah. So should I have on her, on mute or do you wanna yeah, if you’d like to work with her, that’d be great.
[00:55:32] Yeah.
[00:55:36] All right. Um, do you see the, there you are. Okay. Good. Okay. Hi. How are you, Chris? Good. Thank you. Um, this is really resonating very well. Um, so I’ve had some trauma lately and because of, um, particular illness, I’m actually separated from my child right now. I’m so sorry. Yeah. So I’m going through a lot and, um, the whole notion of having secure attachment for ourselves, um, caring for ourselves and like, just even hope for the future.
[00:56:15] Is challenging. Yeah, absolutely. So can you just maybe put your hand on your heart, if that feels comforting to you and just take a gentle breath and just noticing that this is all really challenging right now, where do you feel that in your body? I feel it in my heart and in my gut. Okay. Yeah. What is the feeling you’re noticing?
[00:56:40] Is it heaviness or what, what am it’s heaviness? It’s almost like a pain. Yeah. Okay. So is it okay if we just start doing a little tapping? Yes. Karate chop, even though this heaviness is so intense, even though this heaviness is so intense, my heart and my gut hurt my heart and my gut hurt. This is so much right now.
[00:57:06] This is so much right now. How can I worry about secure attachment to myself right now? How can I worry about secure attachment to myself right now? This is so much, this is so much, and I can start taking baby steps and I can start taking baby steps while, I mean really gentle with myself while being very gentle with myself top of the head.
[00:57:36] This is a really tough time. This is a really tough time. I brow, I am hurting so bad. I am hurting so bad side of the eye. I don’t have to push myself hard. I don’t have to push myself hard under, under the but little steps of taking care of myself, but little steps of taking care of myself under the, under the nose, building those muscles.
[00:58:04] Building those muscles chin. That will be really good for me. That would be really good for me. Collarbone. It will help me be a better role model when I’m with my kid again, and it will help me be a better role model. When I’m with my kid again, under the arm, it takes so much courage to move ahead with this much pain.
[00:58:27] Thanks so much courage to move ahead with this much pain top of the head. Part of what I can do is do some grieving. Part of what I can do is do some grieving eyebrow. It really is a tough time right now really is a tough time. Right now, side of the eye part of self care is giving myself time to feel.
[00:58:50] My feelings part of self care is giving myself time to feel my feelings under the eye. I’m feeling them anyway. I’m feeling them anyway under the nose. What if I just did a little tapping? What if I just did a little tapping, Shannon built the muscle of releasing this pain and built the muscle of releasing this pain collarbone.
[00:59:16] That’s a pretty secure attachment kind of thing to do. That’s a pretty secure attachment kind of thing to do under the arm. I don’t have to do it all at once. I don’t have to do it all at once top of head, but some baby steps forward might feel really good, but some baby steps forward might feel really good.
[00:59:37] Just take a gentle breath and notice what’s coming up for you.
[00:59:48] Thank you. Yeah. So I I’m, I really appreciate the vulnerability you brought forward. And when we’re deep in trauma, when this is trauma, it sounds very traumatic. Anyway, I don’t want to put my experience on you or my, my words on you. But, um, when we have so much coming up, it’s okay to kind of pull back and go, okay, what really needs to get done right now?
[01:00:12] Right? So the house doesn’t have to be perfect that when I was going through a lot of my processing, I had a therapist is like, the dishes don’t care. If you wash them, I’m like, really? They’re like, oh, that’s such a nice thing. Like, you know, what’s really important right now, I think is for you to do whatever processing and healing you can.
[01:00:32] And also self, like some self-care things. Like if he need to take out the trash or little things you can do, but if you can do it from a point of view of I’m, I’m doing this as self-care, I’m doing this in a loving act rather than, um, I sometimes would, when I was really depleted, I’d be like, oh, I gotta take out the trash.
[01:00:49] I’m such a messy person. It wasn’t very loving at all. It did not help me heal. It kind of put me back versus, wow, I’m really tired and I’m really overwhelmed. And that my heart hurts so much that I don’t know if I can do it, but I’m gonna go take the trash out right now because that’s the loving that I’m gonna leave the house a little cleaner for myself.
[01:01:09] So that’s the one. If I only have the energy to do one thing, what’s the most important thing to do. And if you can do it in a loving way for yourself to kind of help you feel self feel supported, I think that might be a really beautiful way to move forward. Thank you very much. That’s very helpful. Thank you.
[01:01:27] Thank you, Rick too. Mm, thank you, Chris. Your courage. Yeah. Yeah. I wanna just emphasize for all of this. A lot of people, if you listen to people on YouTube, I’d love to listen to some people out there. They’re like, rah, all I ever do is work. And I’m like, no, not what we’re talking at all about. Please tune it to where you are.
[01:01:50] I hurt my knee the other day, cuz I was like, oh, I’m doing so good. I’m gonna go for a much longer walk than I’ve been doing. And now I can’t go for walks for a little while because my knee is out and I didn’t listen to myself. I got kind of excited. It’s kinda like, oh I can push through. I really encourage you.
[01:02:08] If you be as practice, kind of like a meditative thing where I keep coming back to yourself, how does my body feel with this right now? Can I do this right now? And I, sometimes things like trash, it’s kind of hard to do halfway. Like you have to kind of get it out there once you take it out of the bin.
[01:02:23] But a lot of things like if you wash half the dishes. That’s half the dishes like it’s okay to like really tune into where you are. If you can do it with yourself. Now that again, we talk about secure attachment and it might be fun to do a call on that, just a secure attachment with ourselves, but doing it with what Rick wants to secure attachment with his daughter.
[01:02:45] He’s so amazing with her. They do a lot of things together. If you can do things with yourself, mindfully with yourself, rather than dictating and telling yourself what to do, you’re gonna have a much cleaner relationship with yourself, and you’re gonna feel more nourished by the things you do rather than depleted and told what to do.
[01:03:05] So, yeah. Thank you again for sharing that, Chris mm-hmm
[01:03:13] so, um, there, there are two aspects that come up in the time that we have for me. Um, one is in the chat, talks about how, you know, I don’t seem to actually feel the reward. Or gratification. Um, and I, it may be useful, like I used to view, um, there’s a, there’s a whole thing around parenting about being punished by rewards and, and rewards are something that, for me, if I’m waiting for the reward, there was kind of a, a like, aren’t I a good boy?
[01:03:55] Yes. You’re a good boy today. Here’s your reward. And that, that kind of lands in, in my energy field someplace that doesn’t feel secure. It doesn’t feel you have to earn it every time. I I’m always having to earn it. And the energetics of this. I invite you. If, if gratitude is weird for you, imagine that you happen to be at Kathy’s house and you look, and you see the trash needs to go out and you’ve got the energy to do it.
[01:04:35] You don’t love doing the trash, like it’s emptying the trash, but you say, Hey, I’m, I’m gonna empty the trash. And it’s like one of my least favorite jobs.
[01:04:49] And all she does is nod and look at you. And you can just tell she’s grateful for what you just did. Didn’t go on and on. But there’s, there’s something that happens when we do something like that. One, if I’m the one who empty the trash, I just got feedback. That, what I did was useful and recognized, not because I need like, the trash needed to be emptied.
[01:05:18] I’m okay. Just taking care of stuff. Like I’m a big boy and I can do those types of things, but in the relationship between me and Kathy, if I do something and downstream at any point, she nods her head and it’s like, yeah, thank you for doing the trash.
[01:05:45] Like, there’s an energetic completeness to that for me now. Maybe not everyone’s energy. There were times when I needed reassurance. Like I said, if you’re trying to do a, to be a good boy, a good girl, good person. Um, that’s different. Um, If I do the dishes because I, my mom told me that you always do the dishes before going to bed.
[01:06:06] That is utterly different. And the reward I would get for having gotten them done on that basis is not thriving. That’s avoiding shame. okay. I know how to dance around with that one. The, the thing of I do this and downstream, I nod and acknowledge myself for having done it and that it was useful. And I recognize that it took energy, maybe a little interruption in the flow of other stuff.
[01:06:39] And to me, that type of interaction . Doesn’t land in the reward center. I, I believe that our reward centers have been really, um, over stimulated the, the, the, the receptors, if you do social media or Netflix or whatever, um, like that part of me, um, needs something really big in order for it to land in that reward center these days, cuz it’s kind of like numbed to the stimulation.
[01:07:16] It still needs it. But the, the gratitude is, is like the acknowledgement that you would give to somebody who, who saw that it would be kind useful, generous. Um, keep you from like collapsing in exhaustion to, to do something or to be something and. You complete the loop and it starts becoming more natural.
[01:07:48] It starts becoming something where the energy of it is be becomes automatic. Like I do these things and I’m aware of my future self. There’s just an awareness and it makes it easier. Things start to feel easier because there’s this energetic nourishment that you’re giving within yourself. There’s a satisfaction is the capacity to be able to nourish, cleanse, regulate, reassure, appreciate excite, entice, and influence yourself.
[01:08:24] Um, and then the connections that we have with others. Really benefit, like another layer of that. So if I’m doing this inside of myself, then I also am naturally gonna notice what Kathy does. You know, um, like she’s, she’s already bought me, um, the night before birthday dinner, like she already made it she’s it’s already there.
[01:08:50] It. And I, and, and it feels so good to me, my future self, my now self, but also my future self, um, to, to be aware that that’s a cued up moment where it’s like, I’ll share with the family, Kathy, Kathy made this possible. Um, I wish I could be there. Um, one of the things that I do as a contrast principle, and I don’t know for those of you that have trouble noticing that what I’ll do is I’ll know, I’ll take, see if I take out the trash and I St most of, I mean, people here, you’re not attracted to Rick and I, unless you’re energetically sensitive.
[01:09:27] So a house where the trash is taken out to me feels fundamentally different than one. That’s waiting to have the trash taken out. So I’ll kind of feel like, oh, this is what it feels like now. And this is what it would’ve felt like if I hadn’t done that. So I kind of contrast that. And I, that kind of helps me.
[01:09:45] It’s an immediate response that I can give myself. Um, and again, when we’re, especially when we’re first building this up, the more immediate, the response, the, the better our system, our. Primitive brains have the intelligence of a small dog. We can train them like small dogs, little, little like, Hey, appreciation’s good dog, whatever, but we don’t wanna be just doing it for the Hey good dog.
[01:10:08] Mm-hmm this sense of satisfaction in my body. The fact that my house feels much better when it’s, when to me it feels really good when the trash is taken out. Um, so if you can maybe contrast that, oh, this is what it felt like with dirty laundry waiting to go. This is what it feels like with the laundry.
[01:10:25] Oh, that’s nicer, different ways. You might, you might be able to feel into it. Um, and please realize too that if you’ve been in a place where there’s a lot of chaos, trauma overwhelm, it may take a little practice to get there. You may have to do it a little bit to get the, the, the may have to prime the pump a little bit.
[01:10:46] So to speak our, for some people, our dopamine centers are really overwhelmed when there’s a lot of trauma adrenaline going on, those emotion, those hormonal centers may not be working the way they, you know, they may be just kind of shut down and overwhelmed. So some gentle baby steps forward can help loosen that up.
[01:11:08] The relationships are two way, right? So, um, you know, you may, like one of my first thoughts was, well, I’m doing all this stuff for my future self, right? Like, and, and great. He appreciates it. Look, Rhonda whos with that. Clean underwear and it’s wonderful. Um, and that’s true. And that’s part of the relationship, the other, um, about a week or so ago, I was like, I was done, you know, it’s nine 15.
[01:11:40] Uh, the kids, um, were all fighting a cold everything else. And I walked over and, you know, I started, I turned on the water to do the dishes and I could feel my future self saying, listen, leave it for the morning. Let’s get a good night’s sleep. I’ll take care of it. Now that is so different. And yet already in this conscious practice that I’m in, there’s this sense that my future self is also handling things too.
[01:12:16] My past self. Made it possible for me to be here with all of you. We’ve been cultivating relationships, the kinship that Kathy and I have the circle and, and the couple thousand sessions that we’ve done since that started, um, we create a container. These things are designed to spread and, and, and create some awareness for people to try across a wide spectrum of our world and where people are.
[01:12:48] You. We have people on the call that are, are working on the healing, so that they’re really more confident that they’re surviving and they’re people that are kind of okay, but they’d really like to be thriving. And they’re people that really have, you know, their energy flowing and they’re generously offering back into our community.
[01:13:09] I, I believe these real skills. If we apply them for ourselves, our me space, our own secure attachment. What does that mean for every child that we meet? Well, now we know what it feels like. We know when it’s not there, we know what they’re cultivating. We have a felt sense of what the gratitude cycle within ourselves feels like.
[01:13:32] And the gratitude cycle between us and a partner or a co-creator of all types, um, with people in our community that are doing things, um, they don’t even have to be present. So like I walk a trail, a trail, the mountain to sea trail, um, it’s over a thousand miles and they’re trail keepers. And, um, today when I.
[01:13:55] Heading back up to my car. I was realizing, you know, I’m not a trailblazer when it comes to a lot of things. I didn’t create EFT, but I, I like once the trail is clearly attractive and it’s like, oh yeah, this is where I want to go. And I was feeling this gratitude for the, the trail breakers and the trail makers and the trail tenders.
[01:14:17] And, and for me like the gratitude to, to be someone who is aware of all the energetics that are happening, that make our, our communities work, our circles work. So I think one other point I really wanna emphasize as we’re kind of coming to the end of the call, human nature is we think everything will always be as hard as it is that first.
[01:14:45] Just it. We always do. We, we want to plan and predict for the future. Our survival brain is trying to figure out how to, how to allocate things. The first time we do something that’s out of our normal, it is 10 times harder than the 10th time. It just by nature. It is, we learned our bodies learn to adjust our mind, learns to adjust I’ve been doing, uh, because I hurt my knee.
[01:15:11] When I was walking. I’ve been doing this workout on YouTube with, uh, uh, chair seated cardio. And the first time she did it, we did it. I’m like, I suck at this I’m this is so bad. It’s so hard. I’m all out of breath. Literally. The third time I did it, I went through and I only made one like one, one small mistake.
[01:15:29] The first time I’m like, I should never do this one again. It’s awful. It’s too hard. It’s like, my brain was just spinning out of control. So whether it’s like getting, you know, pausing Netflix to get the, to get the laundry done, um, Sitting down to write something that you wanna write, whatever it is that every time you lift that, that mu that flex that muscle a little bit, it gets stronger and our systems are designed to get more efficient at things.
[01:15:58] So if you can remember, like our, if you can remind your prefrontal cortex to remind you when you’re doing something and you’re like, this is too hard. Why did I ever start this? I’m not like I have to do this for rest of my life. Oh my God, it’s not gonna be this hard. It will get easier. And we don’t often believe that.
[01:16:18] But if you can just have a little bit of a glimmer of that, that might get you through the first time and the second time. And then the third time, you’re like, why didn’t I think this was so hard. So I, I just think it’s a really important point that I, I repeated a lot of calls because it’s true. And our brains don’t like to hold onto it very well.
[01:16:39] Um, so if we can just, if we can, it does get easier. And as we build this trust and this confidence, and we build the muscles, it’s like, why was this ever hard now as self-care is like part of my life. I really like that. I’m starting to feel comfortable and trust who I am and that I can take care of myself.
[01:16:59] That’s a beautiful feeling of, there’s a quiet confidence about that. Not an adrenaline driven confidence, but like, oh, I can work with myself and I can work through my fears and my resistances and, and my old traumas in a way that I’m left living a life. That naturally is what I want to live. Where I feel really supported and cared for by myself and I can allow others to support me too.
[01:17:26] Um, so if you can, there is a beautiful side to this. I’ve been talking a lot about the traumas and the discomfort we can retrain our brains. We can retrain our systems so that, oh, and it’s only gonna take me a minute. Why don’t I get that done rather than worrying about it for the next 10 hours? Mm-hmm and then I, I will come back and do the thing I was enjoying doing.
[01:17:48] So I just wanna emphasize that in hopes, if you can hear my voice, when you’re thinking it’s too hard, you can hear my voice saying, you just think it’s always gonna be this hard. It’s not, it’s gonna get easier. All real skill, a worthy one is from my, my heart to yours. Um, take, take the best, leave the rest.
[01:18:08] And, um, thank you for being here. Yes. Um, can you plug your ears for a minute at Rick? No. Oh, I wanted to ask them to help me, help me with your birthday present. Okay. Well, there’ll be an email coming out in another day or two. So watch out, cuz it’s are you? Yeah, you won’t plug your ears, so I’m not gonna say it now too bad.
[01:18:32] Okay. All right. But they’ll be an email, so please, please watch for it. If you 20 in dog years.
[01:18:44] All right. Thank you. All. Bless you now. Young baby steps forward you rock. You can do this.
We covered…
- Delayed doesn’t have to mean Deprived!
- QUEUED Gratitude - loving acts of service for our Future Self
- We have reactions about what “delayed gratification” means that can stop us from feeling like we have choices.
- Building credibility with myself.
- NOT delaying gratification feels like an imperative when we’re barely surviving.
- SMALL changes, SHORT delays, and compassionate flexibility help us shift this.
- Feeling “rewarded” is a different energy experience than feeling gratitude. Our “reward” circuits are actively manipulated in school, social media, and more.
- When we “collect” acts of service in the future, feel the gift, and acknowledge our Past Self with Gratitude… we complete the “energy nourishment cycle.”
- We expend emotional energy now (by deferring or serving our future self) and benefit from it later (whether we pause to allow gratitude or not). Like laundry today means clean underwear for our future self!
- Secure attachment is supported by caring for ourselves, past, present, and future.
Resources Mentioned
Great to have you on this journey with us!
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I just finished watching and listening to this delayed gratification workshop. When the topic was first announced I felt myself get all huffy and thought, “I’m not delaying any gratification. I’m 86 and what kind of a future self am I going to be building?” Truly I didn’t even want to hear any of it. Funny the day of the workshop I had a real strong case of vertigo and was actually too miserable to even be on the workshop live.
However I got curious but I didn’t feel like sitting here for 90 minutes. So I told myself, ok listen to half and then watch your Hallmark movie. I wasn’t even thinking of delayed gratification but that’s exactly what I did.
Tonight I watched the 2nd half and yes at my age there are things I want to do for my future self.
In the morning when I get up I like to go out on the porch and walk back and forth for as long as it feels good. It helps my legs, it’s usually cooler out there in the morning and that helps too. I hear the birds and watch the hummingbirds fighting.
Then I try to remember to get up and walk every hour. I might go back out on the porch to do it. I’m not ready yet to go for a long walk but I want to keep the muscles in my legs get stronger.
I also like to pre prep my meals if I can. If I’m going to make soup for lunch I can get out the vegetables to wash and chop. If I’m going to make a breakfast quiche I’ll cut up the onions and mushrooms the night before. It is so much easier to cook when the chopping is done before.
I’m glad I didn’t stay stuck in the thought that at my age I’m not delaying any gratification for my future self. So thanks for this helpful workshop.
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Thanks for that reflection. Queued Gratification has become my new tuning here. I’m setting things up for gratitude in the future through actions, today, this hour, this year. It’s interesting to both feel the appreciation NOW and then to actually collect the gratitude feelings downstream – whether that downstream is half a day later, or a few days, or a year or two.
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One workshop participant wrote they got these things from the session:
- Gratitude to child in you who found ‘a way to cope’
- When I m securely attached (to myself) then I can anticipate my future needs.
- The way you explained about deprivation feeling vs. Freedom of choice.
- Building credibility with self.
- Changing virtuous energy cycle and feeling gratitude.
Thanks for participating and for the reflections!
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