I met a new friend at work who invited me to her Birthday party in August. But because I have social anxiety and am quite introverted - the thoughts of going to a party with a large group of people I’ve never met before is like some kind of torture to me - not fun at all.
But I have this idea to make a kind of “counter-offer” and suggest I can take her out to lunch so we can get to know each other better and celebrate her Birthday that way. Just afraid she might be hurt or offended and not understand why I don’t want to come to her party. Kinda nervous about her reaction.
Are the “sharing what matters to us” circles for tapping or just sharing? I won’t be able to make it to the Saturday May 4th tapping circle as I’m working that day, but might be able to get on the Tuesday, April 30th call for some tapping support (if I’m not too exhausted after my work shift).
Otherwise, could I ask for - maybe just some suggestions on how to go about tapping on this on my own. Or ideas on possible workshop recordings here in the Thriving Now circle - would be great.
“I would love to celebrate your birthday with you, and I so hope your party is wonderful. To be transparent, 1-on-1 is what works for me. Would it be a YES for you for me to treat you to lunch so we can celebrate?”
So… if I say something like that, maybe even include that parties have never been my thing ever since I was a zygote, and the person gets ‘hurt and offended’ then I would treat that as crucial guidance not to engage with them much except in a neutral professional way.
It’s also unlikely.
People have preferences. It could be that she generally doesn’t have time for a lunch, but if she does and it’s a YES to get to know you, how better a way to have her get to know you!
I mean, you get to be yourself. You get to engage 1-on-1 where you can be real and presence and celebrate this Being (rather than the party).
Part of social anxiety is the limiting belief that we have to adapt to what others want, rather then being mutually selective. Many people love parties, many hate them… and some really prefer 1-on-1 (like me! and you!). Some enjoy both.
I generally do not do coaching during them. You’re welcome to share that friendship matters to you and how you’re exploring how to cultivate connections
Thanks Rick. Yes, I was kinda thinking that - if she is “hurt & offended” it probably means she is not a good person for me to pursue a close friendship with anyways, but I still find it hard to open up to people and let them know who I really am, and fear their rejection.
But we are working together on Monday, so I think I will try to speak up about this alternative plan and see how it goes. Hopefully we can find some kind of win/win solution that is fun for both of us. Honestly I’ve been so bloody reclusive since the frigging “pandammit” - it’s hard to move out into the world more, and connect with people. It’s so easy for me to hide away in my little cave of safety. I felt flattered that Tena asked me to her party - and we do have some good laughs together at work.
One night we were working together and she was bagging candy towards the back of the store, while I was up front by the cash. This gentleman came in with his head down and walked very quickly towards the back / the coffee section. I thought it was Tena’s husband and made a joke - “no kissing back there” (since her hubby has previously come in and given her a kiss of affection at times).
But it turned out I had it wrong, and I was mortified when Tena said - “that’s not my husband!” The customer said- “I’m just here for the coffee…!” and we all broke out in hysterical laughter. I apologized but the man said - “no worries - you just made my day”, and we all laughed and laughed so much it was hilarious. Thank God this fellow had a good sense of humor… It still makes me grin now thinking of it.
Anyways, I appreciate your support and will let you know how it goes as I explore making new friends (or not). Thanks.
It’s hard to open up to people. Doesn’t make it bad.
And… I’ve by necessity recast “rejection” into something different. Yes, there are people who are Rejectors, and when they don’t like someone or something, their reaction is gutteral.
But even there, I’ve decided (and put energy behind) that there is Divine Filtering going on. As a (mostly) internally referenced person, I am selective. I filter out and occasionally open up to filtering in.
I’ve chosen to be safe and respectful and maximize freedom best I can. “Ah, so you like tea but I am not your particular herbal blend. Great! I appreciate people who know themselves! Hope your have an awesome life!”
I’ve recast feelings of being “rejected” that come through my primitive brain to keep moving forward, to a place of awareness of the beauty in the filtering that has happened (and will happen again, for certain). Indeed, sometimes the beauty of a filtering out isn’t clear in the moment, and yet really – if I am real with myself – each friend or lover I’ve said goodbye to or drifted apart from has served us both better than if we were still deeper and closer.
Weird, isn’t it?
Yeah, I can have longing for certain aspects of what was or what I fantasize “could have been.” The practice, sometimes hard, is to come back to NOW, feel that there is sufficient space for a new friend(s) to join me, and even look forward to finding, liking, and adopting
Yes, “Divine Filtering” rather than “rejection” seems like a good perspective. I will try to keep it in mind as I talk to my coworker / potential friend.
and we all broke out in hysterical laughter. I apologized but the man said - “no worries - you just made my day”, and we all laughed and laughed so much it was hilarious. Thank God this fellow had a good sense of humor… It still makes me grin now thinking of it.