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Breaking the Sorry Cycle - Cultivating Calm, Confidence, and Unapologetic Living
[00:00:00] Breaking the sorry cycle, cultivating calm, confidence. And unapologetic living.
[00:00:07] This is a Real Skills Workshop. I’m Rick from ThrivingNow. I’m here with Cathy from ThrivingNow and the Intimacy Dojo. And, yeah. I could say I’m sorry that we’re starting a minute late. There’s a part of me that feels like I want to apologize for not being quite as sharp or prepared or, or, or, or.
[00:00:33] That’s one of the things that puts me in my own sorry cycle is when things are not as I imagined or aspire them to be. What’s it for you? Well, I just like to point out sometimes you’re apologizing that you’re not feeling as sharp as you sometimes do. I have literally apologized when I was like really on.
[00:00:55] I was like, I feel a lot of energy today. I’m like, I’m kind of talking fast. I’m excited about this. I’m so sorry. Like, We have this image often of how we are supposed to be, but it’s ever moving, like we’re not there ever, or if we are, it’s just for a fleeting moment. And there’s a sense of like, guilt, or like, ugh, I really didn’t achieve the mark.
[00:01:18] Um, and one of the things I’ve been, Looking a lot into how people deal with guilt and, um, alignment in the world. And one of the, I love the definition of sin. The original, one of the original definitions of sin is off the mark. So if you were shooting an arrow, it means you didn’t hit where like you didn’t hit the target.
[00:01:40] And I like that, because. If we’re, we have an image of what we want to be aligned to, but it’s not really, we’re making a picture in our head when we’re apologizing for not being there. The real alignment, I would think, would be to be here with all of you and be in a space where I can be tuned to all of you and to have like, let go of some of the noise around me.
[00:01:59] And that’s what we’re doing. That’s more aligned for me than I have to be the perfect amount of energy that I predetermined before I ever saw any of you. Like when I lead classes, a lot of times I’m looking at the class, I’m trying to read the room and if everyone’s kind of quiet and shy, I tone, I want to tone down.
[00:02:16] If everyone looks like they want to get more energetic, I invite that. So alignment is in the moment to me. And I think that when we’re setting these pictures for ourselves or these, like, I need to be this to be acceptable or deciding ahead of time and not really allowing ourselves to be in the moment.
[00:02:37] So I really think this apologizing, this caught up in this perfection is a way to avoid. In the moment alignment, um, a way to avoid the feelings we might have in the moment. So I just invite you to try that on and see if that works for you. What if you could let go and just be here right now and just be who you are in this moment with the people that are around you in the situation you actually are with the feelings you actually are, you are having rather than trying to live up like Rick was like, I really intended to be more sharp.
[00:03:10] Maybe he’s just the right softness for what we need today. There’s something to try on.
[00:03:20] In doing my research for this workshop, and it’s a workshop because the chat is open and if you’re looking at the replay, our comments, particularly on the thrivingnow. center, where we host the replay and engagement, um, we welcome your questions, your feedback, your aha, and particularly what wisdom you’re exploring for yourself.
[00:03:43] And The sorry cycle, um, I notice that I will be in meditation or journaling, and I’ll say, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, and like, if my mind goes off on a tangent, I’m wanting to focus on something, I would go off and I would say, I’m sorry. That’s one aspect, but in the research, there are dozens of ways that we can get caught in the sorry cycle.
[00:04:16] And one of the things that doesn’t feel emotionally free to me is if there’s a cycle, I really have a difficult time breaking. And. Part of the skillset here that we’re going to be exploring is, are you aware you have a sorry cycle chances are you wouldn’t even be here this far with us. If you didn’t recognize that there’s a part of me that’s, um, got this, I’m sorry, in the background, or sometimes it comes out your voice, um, maybe friends have even commented on it.
[00:04:49] Um, there by being aware of it. We can look at, Hey, what is it for me? And in our work, one of the skills with something that is a cycle, like, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Is. To add something to it. I’m sorry, because I’m sorry that
[00:05:22] notice how that changes it. Um, If there’s something that you’d like to share in the chat for those of you that are here with us live
[00:05:36] What’s something that you’ve noticed that you’ve apologized about? I’m, sorry And just that I’m sorry. I hit the wall with my hand, apologized to the wall. I apologized to the cat for not imagining it was hungry. Like it wasn’t even asking for food, but like, there’s a, like, just to give you some extreme or more extreme examples.
[00:06:02] I’m looking for things that you actually say you’re sorry, or it could be an internal, like, I’m sorry that my vegetables are considered weird in my, uh, family. I’m sorry that there’s not, I’m sorry that, I feel sorry, I’m sorry that my family’s not more accepting to me. So this is another, and I wanted to give this, because I’ve been practicing this since we announced this workshop is, I’m sorry that, And fill in something that matters to you.
[00:06:39] I’m, I’m sorry that there isn’t more acceptance for the food that is good and nourishing for me. I’m, I’m sorry that sometimes my body awareness is such that I, I whack the wall because body awareness and, uh, Proprioception. Proprioception, being aware of my body is good for my well being, it’s good for my future, it’s something I track, um.
[00:07:09] Apologizing to the wall is not so useful, as opposed to like, oh, I hurt my own hand, maybe I should apologize to my hand. Yeah, I’m sorry, um, that I hurt my hand, because I know that if I’m being careless with where my body is. I’m, if I said, if somebody shares something that happened to me, um, uh, and I say, I’m sorry, that doesn’t, it, it, again, it’s part of a cycle.
[00:07:38] So if somebody, something happens to them, um, uh, Adira fell down, hurt her elbow. She came in, she loves to share, she loves, she feels like it’s good to bid for my attention and compassion by sharing her boo boos. And so she tells me this very now intricate story about what happened with her elbow. My, my reaction was to say I’m sorry, and I didn’t.
[00:08:15] I left that part out and I, and I said, um, the I’m sorry, that, Oh, I hear that that really hurt. And I. I know that I can tell that that’s uncomfortable. Is there something that you’d like me to do? Yeah. Well, and I think there’s nothing wrong with her wanting it. Like, I, if I hurt myself, I call Rick sometimes, like, oh, I just hit my hand on the wall or this thing happened.
[00:08:43] We’re naturally, we want to share things with each other, but I think there’s a sense of With for me, the I’m sorry is a bit of taking on something that really isn’t mine in a way to avoid certain other feelings. Or I notice sometimes like I would say, I’m really sorry that this person will tell me a story about them hurting.
[00:09:03] I say, I’m sorry, but it kind of, there’s a sense of like, I’m now somewhat responsible for them, but then I also don’t have to be what they’re feeling so much anymore. Like I’ve traded the, the reflexive words. For presence. I don’t have to be as present with their feelings, but I still sometimes end up with a little bit of responsibility, at least in my own head.
[00:09:23] So I’m someone who I have to really watch. I’ve had people want to dump problems on me. I tend to be pretty competent. I tend to solve them. And I’ve noticed when I say, I’m sorry, like a friend was here the other day and she had trouble, she was trying to use my printer. She didn’t tell me she needed to use my printer.
[00:09:39] My printer wasn’t working and she got really frustrated. And I said, I’m sorry. And I felt like then it kind of like, I’m like, wait, you didn’t tell me you needed to use my printer and somehow I spent an hour and a half trying to make it work and I’m sorry, but I’m just now somehow more responsible for it as opposed to like, you know, this really isn’t my problem.
[00:09:59] If you told me you wanted to use my printer, I could have told you it’s not working or you could have done like, it wasn’t an agreement we had that she got to use my printer. Um, but it became the center of the whole time we were together on that, that evening. And my saying, I’m sorry, I felt like at least to me, maybe not, I don’t know if she felt this, but to me, I felt like I am more responsible for this as opposed to just sitting with her and like, I get that you’re feeling kind of icky about this.
[00:10:25] Let’s just breathe and feel this for a minute. Let’s just like, I think Adira wants. Someone to like, just be with her while she’s, you know, it hurts. Someone be present and kiss it better. Um, as opposed to like, just saying, I’m sorry that that happened and kind of using that as a plaster to cover over the feelings and, but I think there’s also a responsibility transfer when we do that and I don’t want to be responsible for my friend, not telling me she needed a printer after half an hour.
[00:10:51] I was really done trying to fix things, but I kept going because I kind of felt like, ah, I own this somehow. So I don’t know if that helps, but like there’s a certain, when we say we’re, that we’re sorry, that there’s an implied, I did something wrong. Even if we’re just saying, I’m sorry, you’re hurting, or is that, I’m sorry that happened.
[00:11:10] There’s a certain like responsibility transfer on that. Um, and we can really get caught up, even if it’s our own, only in our own head. Other person may not be manipulating and trying to make that happen, but we might like own that in a way that’s not good for us. That really crosses our own boundaries.
[00:11:28] And you point to one of the most, um, insidious aspects of the sorry cycle is when we use it to take on something that isn’t ours in order to avoid. Avoid. And there’s a whole bunch of things. It can be avoiding, um, a dominant person insisting that something is our fault. That it wouldn’t have happened if we hadn’t X, Y, or Zed.
[00:12:09] And we have to own that or else the, or else is sometimes explicit. Sometimes it’s experienced of trauma. Um, you say you’re sorry, boy, or I’m going to make you sorry. Tap, tap a little too close to home on that one, Rick. Uh, Yeah, he didn’t have that accent, but, uh, the energy was there, even if not the exact words.
[00:12:39] Um, it can be that a conversation is going sideways. There’s not a quality of understanding, and there’s blaming and judgment and disrespect. That was a avoidance strategy that I, I used, um, in my relationship in my 20s and 30s, and, um, I was always wrong. Like, my nervous system, to this day, feels like, oh, Well, I’m always wrong in that within that container of that relationship.
[00:13:25] Um, the good news is I’m, I’m usually like, it’s not I’m wrong about everything, but if there was an argument, which I’m very good at avoiding because I’m really good at doing a lot of the things that keep relationships cranking. Um, but when things went sideways, there’s a part of me that Is that’s part of my sorry sack.
[00:13:49] I’m sorry if I use my little trick. Hold on a second. Um, if I use my little trick, I’m sorry, because I would gladly meet you in a place where we could we could explore how to avoid this. How to enhance our relationship. Um, I would gladly seek to understand what you’re saying. If you’ll also meet me and seek to understand what I’m saying in the absence of that, I’m sorry.
[00:14:25] I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Do you hear it? What I am saying is, I’m done because I’ve run out of options. And it doesn’t, maybe I’ve learned through savvy wisdom in this relationship, just being sorry is a way of keeping the peace. I am not saying that that isn’t going to be true in some cases, but if we want to, at least internally, unapologetically live, if I went off into my corner and I said, I said, I’m sorry, because it’s heartbreaking to, um, to not have any, any breathing room to share What led to me being that doing that what’s, what matters to me, there’s nothing that, and so that’s what I meant by, I’m sorry, if I do that.
[00:15:24] Not with necessarily the person. It’s great if I can, like Cathy’s one of the people on the planet that I definitely say when I said, I’m sorry, the other day, that’s what I meant. Um, I have a hundred percent assurance that I can be heard with this human. Um, but if I do it, if I do it with myself, then I’m clear about, Hey, this is a shortcut I’m using.
[00:15:56] Um, and it goes to what some people shared. Um, apologizing for living when I said unapologetic living, it doesn’t mean we don’t apologize for things where we are missing the mark to use Cathy’s term. Um, but we’re not apologizing for being human, humane, um, worthy of safety and respect. We’re not, right.
[00:16:23] Cause if we’re doing that, um, there’s a quality of us. being in a submissive low status kind of dynamic that takes our chi and flushes it. Um, I don’t know if you’ve ever had the experience of feeling pretty good and having your chi flushed. When you weren’t expecting it, um, often that’s a, a status flush.
[00:16:46] It says there’s, there’s someone else I’m, I’m putting myself down to, to avoid violence, threat, them being angry, losing, losing my place, being cast out. This is it’s autonomic. If, if you notice. Where that is happening regularly and you’d like to shift it. Um, our thriving now circle is a great place to explore those things But that’s that’s a place where i’m sorry can accompany Of that kind of flush, but if we we learn to do it to ourselves to avoid that’s where going off into our reflection of Oh, I said i’m sorry because I just don’t feel safe with that person.
[00:17:34] And it was a shortcut to say, whatever you say is right, your majesty. And I’m not going to say that to them. Uh, no, if the emperor, even if the emperor has no clothes, if they’re a dangerous person, um, but at least I’m aware of it. And that. Already, um, and I’ve used different other things, but this is the one that seems it fits with our work and real skills about being what matters, knowing what matters to you.
[00:18:08] If you anchor, I said, I’m sorry, because this mattered to me and it wasn’t present, or this mattered to me more than whatever, or compassion for, for someone else. Thank you, Cathy. I loved what you shared, and I think there is, it becomes a reflexive response. It’s not very mindful. We use it as a, like I learned that when I was a child, like if I said I was sorry to my mom or dad really quick, then I was less likely to be punished or be the bad kid.
[00:18:37] But it became like that’s the talisman I used with everybody and everything versus someone shared, they haven’t said they’re sorry in a long time. Again, I would like to have a mindful. a mindful, I’m sorry, when it’s appropriate, a mindful apology. Um, and someone said, what do you, what, then what can you do to say that, to show that you care?
[00:18:59] What if you said, you know, I really care about you. And that sounds like it was tough. That seems more touching and thoughtful than them. And if Adira comes in with her skin, Oh, honey. Can I, can I, what can I do? Let me be with you. Do you want me to wash it? Would you like a band aid or a hug or something?
[00:19:18] That, if I leave off the I’m sorry, it seems like those things are more landing. And, and, you know, we do, we make bids. She’s becoming bolder. And I, my sense intuitively is that by bidding around her boo boos, what she’s saying is, as I go and experience more things, as I ride my bike down the hill faster, are there humans who are going to pick up the pieces?
[00:19:44] Um, If something happens and it is, uh, it’s, it’s helping her be more bold. Someone said, I said, I’m sorry to my daughter because the cookies that she spent hours making didn’t arrive when she thought they would. And yeah, it’s like, Oh, I’m sorry. Now that is empathy. I’m curious. If we, okay, I’m feeling this tender, I’m sorry, feeling, Oh yeah, I, I can imagine, and what if we pretended that.
[00:20:25] It’s two days ago. You know, like, does it, does it evoke more Curie, uh, creativity if, um, we don’t go into the, the standard, uh, response, there’s nothing wrong with saying, oh, I’m sorry, they didn’t arrive on time. Oh, I’m really touched that you made me cookies. You spend all that time making me lovely cookies.
[00:20:52] I wish I had them, but I, I’m open to receiving your love, even if those cookies never arrive. Mm hmm. The love and care that was part of them. I am, please know that I receive that. I would love to eat them too, but it’s okay. Like, The love and the care is what I really wanted that you’re thinking of me. So I think that one I’ve been studying a lot about neural pathways and when we use a certain neural pathway a lot it gets what they call melanated so it becomes a super highway.
[00:21:20] It’s a quick way to um get someplace else. But it’s not very thoughtful or mindful. And if we use it a whole bunch, it doesn’t, it goes from melanated to like canalized, they call it, which is basically one of the bullet trains. Like we don’t even notice it moving anymore. And I think most of us are probably at the bullet train level.
[00:21:39] Like I’m sorry, as a reflexive, but I think it is also blocking us from the actual feelings that are there and the thought and the like, you know, a couple of people apologize for getting here late. I’m curious about that because Neither Rick or I, like, we’re like, we’re glad you’re here. You got here at the perfect time for you.
[00:21:57] Like you’ll get the right stuff. You know, there’s no, there’s no need to apologize. I think it does. It’s kind of a politeness we use in our society. Like we’re telling people that we’re not trying to just barge in and think we’re, we get to take over things or whatever. But, um, I don’t think anyone here would do that.
[00:22:16] So there wasn’t, there was, I was curious. It was, it made me chuckle just a little bit. I care about both these people, but it’s like both of them said they were sorry they were late to a class about saying we’re sorry too much. Um, and it just, like, I’m curious what else could be beneath that. It’s like, oh, I’m, I hope I didn’t miss anything really good.
[00:22:35] I’m so glad to be here. I miss that. The time with you, like, what is the real stuff beneath behind these words? I’m sorry. That are just kind of trite and bullet training through our brain and not letting us be like, huh, do I own any responsibility here if I do, can I be with those feelings and tell the other person, you know, if I had told my friend that I would have a printer working, I could be with a discomfort and go, wow, I told you I would have that together and it’s not working.
[00:23:02] Let me run to FedEx and get that printed for you. Like, I could own the responsibility, versus me telling her I’m sorry when I didn’t promise her that. I have a, I feel, my system’s like, I’ve got to fix this for her. So there was like a loop there, versus if I could just slow down and go, hmm, that seems like it’s really frustrating.
[00:23:21] I wish I’d known that you needed a printer. I could have told you mine wasn’t working. Um, you know, is there some other way I can support you for a couple minutes, not for an hour and a half? So like, you know, I can give you the directions to the closest FedEx place if you want, whatever that is. If we can slow down, um, and think of other thoughts, that also helps us demelanate that pathway.
[00:23:45] When we slow down and think of other branches, it allows it to not, we don’t get on the bullet train right away. We have a little more leeway about what we’re going to do. So I love Rick saying like, why am I saying, I’m sorry, what is it? So that what is the thing I want to do? Like someone said, I want to show them I care.
[00:24:03] Okay. What if I just say, I just want you to know I care about, you know, this sounds tough. I care about you. Um, Oh, juice. Okay. Thank you. Sorry. Trying to be funny, but I also did it as a sign of respect. If I was late to a working meeting, I would have said the same thing. Um, so. That’s great. I love it. I’m sorry.
[00:24:21] I didn’t get the humor. Um, and someone else said, I value your time and the work you both put into this workshop. I was trying to be funny too. Okay, great. I love the funny. I didn’t get it from chat. Sometimes it’s harder and I’m trying not to apologize for not getting it. Um, because I like to, I like to connect with people and get what they mean.
[00:24:40] Um, so, and, and someone said, I work in a sorry, culture hierarchies. And so, Like there’s um, there are hierarchies and there are certain perfunctories that um, like there are cultures that have a bowing um, that you bow at certain levels and that’s very precise and you’re taught that perfunctory um, and it’s not a perfunctory because it’s part of the agreement of respect.
[00:25:14] That’s how we communicate in a shortcut. Um, I value Uh, I intended to be here on time, I recognize I wasn’t, this is a very short two word, I’m sorry, sorry I’m late, sorry I’m late, um, that’s a very shortcut way, uh, to do that. What’s interesting to me is, um,
[00:25:45] how does our energy, because as I look at the energetic response, some people can say, sorry I’m late. And if you had them on a special device that showed what happened to their energy, it would be as matter of fact as The next breath it is a recognition. Sorry. I’m late. They could have said ta da. I’m here Uh, you got you know, like I have, I know personalities that don’t apologize for being late.
[00:26:22] They’re like, I flagellate myself for the next 24 hours. And sometimes in certain cultures that are hierarchy, if the top of the hierarchy walks in, they don’t say, I’m sorry, I’m late. Um, because that would diminish their status. Again, if, if I notice in myself that I bump, if I say, sorry, I’m late and there’s any drop in my energy, at least acknowledging, and, and I’m willing to take that little bit of a bounce off of like, you know, a status bounce in order to, as a way of showing respect.
[00:27:06] I’m glad we don’t have to, you know, go kiss their feet or their ring. And. And if I, if, if, if it’s like this, that’s one thing, but sometimes you’ll notice, especially if you work in groups, is that the person that’s late has, it’s like, they’re wearing the cloak of shame for the rest of the meeting. They’re not themselves.
[00:27:33] Um, if I’m late for something and I get the stink eye. I’ve, uh, like, so if I say, sorry, I’m late because everyone’s staring at me because I walked in, um, I’ve got energy to manage. And that’s, that’s where real skill within the emotional world is. What do I, what happens to my energy? If I’m, If I’m meditating and communicating with, um, and the, the guidance systems that, and the, the spirit buddies that are a part of my world and my mind goes off in a tangent and I say, I’m sorry, part of it is the return to the present, like, oh, this matters to me,
[00:28:24] but there’s also a bit of. I was off the mark. I aspire to be more present. This is sacred time. Nobody in the family’s awake. So quiet. I’m sorry. I got distracted thinking about that thing. Um, and that’s, again, where if you notice that you take a hit at all, um, then there’s, there’s a benefit. And I, we do this work because it’s useful and beneficial.
[00:29:03] Uh, and the benefit is that I’m not taking, um, an energetic hit as deeply or as long or as, um, strongly that Keith’s my chi being both calm and confident and, um, respectful. You can be respectful if I’m sorry, as a, as a way of respectfully saying, um, yes, and our, we space, we value being on time. Um, and that’s my acknowledgement, my shortcut acknowledgement.
[00:29:37] Can you say something like, I value your time. My intention was to be here on time. You know, like we don’t have to, sorry, if you want to finish your topic. Okay. Um, one of the things someone said, sometimes I feel like when I apologize, I think I’m also saying, I’m sorry, I exist or sorry for being myself.
[00:29:56] And I think that’s really important because there is a sense of global shame around this when we say we’re sorry. And for some of you that came a little bit. After a few minutes after I started, one of the things I talked about was that the original definition of a sin was off the mark, meaning that we’re not, we’re not hitting, it’s not like I am evil.
[00:30:16] It’s like I was aiming there and I hit here. And if we’re trying to learn to be more aligned with something, being specific is very helpful. Painting globally. I am bad. I am wrong for being here. I take up too much space. There’s no way to. To align better. I’m just like beating myself. I’m not actually getting better at aiming.
[00:30:39] If I say, why am I thinking that? What is the specific thing I did, said, felt, um, what happened that makes me think that I can get to more specifics. And I think it’s the same when someone said they were, they were apologizing to their body for hurting it. It’s like, what did I do that I can get more precise?
[00:30:57] So when I walked down the hall and I kept my hand on the wall and say, I’m sorry, there’s not a slow down in awareness. Oh, I was not paying attention to my body. I was like distracted. And I was like, Oh, maybe I just need to slow down a little bit and be more present with my body and where the wall is.
[00:31:13] When we get more specific, when we tune into that a little more. Like, why did I let myself hurt my body? Why did I push myself too hard? What was going on? Or what, you know, what was the thing that I could see or feel or taste or someone said that caused me to feel that way? Then we can start dialing it in.
[00:31:32] Versus place me a band aid over the top of it with an I’m a sorry. We don’t get really the data. We don’t really get the way to, like, if I’m trying to learn archery, I have to say, Oh, I noticed it was windy when I shot that and it ended up way over there. And I’ve got to go through the bushes to get the arrow, you know?
[00:31:50] So, okay, I need to pay attention to the wind and now I can try again and get a little closer. We all need to practice. Like, there’s no, I like that definition of sin because it’s not like, Oh, I’m evil if I fail. It’s like, I’m going to learn how to get better at this and be more aligned. And sometimes I’m going to miss the mark.
[00:32:06] It’s just, it’s an experience thing and a training thing, a slowing down and being present thing for me. Um, so I think that when we take the bandaid of, I’m sorry, off. And look a little bit at the details. We have a lot more ammunition and information to tune in a little better. Like what was happening that I was really hard on my body yesterday.
[00:32:30] Oh, I noticed that I was really, I felt bad about something. And rather than talking about it with a friend, I just let it spin in my head. And I just really took down my chi, as Rick talks about. Um, oh, maybe I need to call someone next time I feel that bad. Or just sit and feel it for a minute. I really do think that we’re trying often to avoid the feelings of the moment, the experience of the moment.
[00:32:52] When we try to bullet train past things, if we can just be with the discomfort of the moment, it often passes and goes through versus if we try to leave it in a sealed container, it’s just always there stored and we’re carrying it around with us. But if we can just feel it and breathe with it, it’s like, Oh, that was, Oh, I was two minutes late to a meeting.
[00:33:11] And then my other meeting ran over, like I was, you know, like. Okay. So I’m, you know, like, I wish I could have been there on time, but there was, you know, physics involved. I can’t transport. So, um, you know, like, okay, what could I do better, better, different, really important meeting? I can say if the other meeting runs over, I could say, Hey, I have another really important meeting.
[00:33:30] I’m going to step out a few minutes early. Please let me know if there’s something you need me to do. But if we don’t dig down, we can’t get to that tuning, if that makes sense. It does. And we can go, um, that’s the. That’s where for me, Oh, okay. I need to know that I, as a human being value, um, joining we spaces in a timely way.
[00:34:01] I value, um, being savvy about delays that can happen. I also want a calm confidence. I want to be humane. And so, um, There’s this, there’s this dance that if you own that, Hey, I really value inclusion and if I find myself feeling sorry that I exist, Oh, when I feel like in that situation, I feel sorry for, I’m sorry for existing or I’m sorry for being myself because you know, I am a unique human, something I value in myself and others and I’m, I’m sad.
[00:34:48] That, uh, that in that situation, the energy wasn’t one of inclusion and acceptance and that, um, we each pay, uh, play a, a co creator role. Um, yeah, I, I felt like I’m sorry for existing because I’m sensitive and my, my empathy matters to me. Um, I was aware that they weren’t delighted by my presence, and honestly, at eight years old, I wasn’t free to go and find my own way in the world.
[00:35:28] Perhaps in a prior time, I would have. But, in the age that I grew up, they brought us home if we ran away at eight. And so, like, yeah, I could feel the contrast between the existence that I wanted, that would be good and healthy for me, and what the other people were radiating. But that, that, you know, and it’s sad.
[00:35:56] And I want to live a life where I’m embracing, without apology, um, that which I am, at least, even if, even if there’ll be circumstances where I do miss the mark. I do like, I, you know, we’ve got a Bunch of very adaptable people here. Um, like Cathy was saying, if you’re in a group of people and you’re feeling really vibrant and you’re like, uh, you know, you tell a joke and everyone’s like, you know, this, this is not okay.
[00:36:28] It like at my father’s funeral, telling jokes was fine at certain other funerals. It’s not, you can be off there and, and feel like, I’m, I, I’m sorry. Because. I misread the room and I, I like, I value reading the room. I value reading the people around me and, and adapting, um, best I can. And I accept myself for being human.
[00:36:56] Tap, tap, tap. I’ve gone to the bathroom and done that kind of one before. Yeah. Yeah. I, I love what you shared. And I think that there’s so much about this that. We grew, a lot of us grew up in families where we were probably too much for our parents. Our parents were overwhelmed. It doesn’t mean we were actually too much, but we are anything was too much for them.
[00:37:17] But it’s hard not to internalize that as little kids. So when, if we can get beneath the sorry and realize, Oh, it’s feeling like I’m too much. I’m, I’m, I’m apologizing for existing. That might be actually a lovely time to just reassure our younger self. Like, Hey, I’m glad you exist. Versus when we say, I’m sorry to kind of cover that up.
[00:37:36] Okay. And we, I’m not saying that anyone will get rid of this all the way. I certainly haven’t, but the more I become aware and the more I can put a pause in there and put, you know, divert sometimes the better I feel about it. Oh, I’m feeling like I’m too much. This is an echo from when I was younger. There may be people here that are feeling really overwhelmed and frustrated, and they’re going to take it out on the lowest status person, the person they think can absorb it.
[00:38:00] And there’s lots of micro expressions where we give that away. Over apologizing is also a way to signal our, our sense of low status, or people can blame us for things that the people that are blaming people, um, I think the more we can slow it down, it’s also a way, not only is it a way for us to be more authentic and real with people mindful, but it’s also a way to notice, Oh, I really need to do some more work on healing that old stuff.
[00:38:25] It’s still there. There’s still a wound there. I’m apologizing for something that happened when I was three or four or five. Um, and someone shared that they noticed they get triggered by the people who have the same energy as their abusive father or stepfather. And I think that’s apps like often weren’t triggered by that.
[00:38:42] I will find myself apologizing a lot more around an aggressive person than someone who’s calm and quiet. No question. Um, so it’s not really about them necessarily. It’s about a pattern that I learned. This is the safest way to deal with those people. Do I, that was true when I was little, do I really want to carry that?
[00:38:59] Do I really want for the rest of my life to say, Hmm, this person’s aggressive. I’m going to apologize a lot to keep myself safe. Or am I going to say, Hey, you know, I noticed your tone feels really aggressive to me. I’m wondering if we can find a way to talk about it differently. Um, or I noticed I’m not going to want to spend time with you.
[00:39:19] And with someone at work, you might, we may have to modify that some, but I love when I, I notice that I feel very courageous when I’m like, I’m noticing your, the way I’m hearing your tone, it’s coming across as very aggressive to me. Like I’m not necessarily saying they mean it that way because I don’t know how they mean it.
[00:39:36] They might be feeling really insecure and trying to be confident. I don’t know how they mean it, but I can own that it’s landing for me is pretty aggressive. I’m wondering if we can find a different way to discuss this is like, I feel so good. My body feels like I spoke a truth for myself and I don’t do it for everybody.
[00:39:53] There’s certain, we always get to judge. There’s certain people I don’t feel safe saying that too, but owning what is true between two people is one of the deepest ways to form intimacy, speaking a truth that is between us. Is it, if the other person can match that or be with it, that can form deeper intimacy.
[00:40:14] Saying I’m sorry is generally not going to form intimacy or connection. So just something to try out. Someone mentions, you know, yeah, thank you. Um, sometimes my sorry is powerful because I don’t see enough guys saying sorry the way that I see so many women doing it. It bothers me how unequal that can be.
[00:40:37] I like being a guy who occasionally over apologizes. Um, yes. And we’ve touched on one aspect of it, the hierarchical, um, there are definitely lots of men who any drop in status is, is highly defended against. And so taking on, um, responsibility. The apology, sometimes it just does not happen. Um, and I believe that there’s an energetic difference between a reflect in me.
[00:41:19] There’s an energetic difference between a reflexive. involuntary, I’m sorry, regardless of circumstance, and something that I might consider a sacred apology. A sacred apology to me drops in and is, is acknowledging, uh, acknowledging a harm. Um, maybe it’s one that I’ve done. Maybe it’s one that I didn’t help avoid.
[00:41:54] There’s something there that needs to be said. And, um,
[00:42:05] a reflexive apology is very different than that. Even though
[00:42:13] a reflexive, I’m sorry, is in my world better than never saying, I’m sorry, just like a reflexive, love you. is better than never hearing the words and there is a difference. And as Cathy said, if we’re looking to go deeper and build intimacy and, and engagement, um, even coming back and saying, you know, I, I, I said, I’m sorry about what happened.
[00:42:46] And I just, I want to add something to that. Can I, can I do that? Yes. Um, I really value, uh, safety and respect in our relationship. And when, when I dysregulated and I started yelling and I said this, that was so far from what I aspire to be, I want to acknowledge one, that that had happened, that I, I, uh, am working to not have that happen.
[00:43:19] And I apologize for the impact on, on you and on us. And, um,
[00:43:31] that’s much more impactful than the Band Aid. I’m sorry. Sorry. I yelled at you, you know, um, and, and for, for all of us looking at it, if we go there with calm confidence, um,
[00:43:55] that will change our energy around, uh, discernment. Discernment is a concept that says, Hey, I, I want to discern what’s mine, what’s theirs, what’s ours. And when we’re, when we’re clearer about that, then even an apology, like, Oh, I am, I am so sorry that that was your experience. I know how important safety and respect is in your relationship and having that happen.
[00:44:31] It feels really tender to me, as someone who cares about you, that you had to endure that. It included, I’m sorry, didn’t it? But it’s not, oh, I’m sorry that happened to you.
[00:44:48] You’re willing to be with their discomfort and your feelings about them and share those. It slows things down a little bit and it models something really profound. Slow things down. Um, I’m curious, I’m curious, I really love that. I’m also curious, someone said, I’m finding that as a coach who’s been away from coaching for years, ready to come back, I feel apologetic about leaving for my family.
[00:45:12] And I imagine that many of us feel we made choices and we’re like, Maybe it was a great choice for us, but there’s like a what if, a FOMO, what if I missed out, what if I should have done something different. And I think that sometimes the apology, the feeling like I did something wrong is convoluted. We mess it, like, there’s like, there’s different paths and we make choices and we have different experiences.
[00:45:35] And it’s very normal for us, like, I wonder what that path would have been like. We can’t, I’m an engineer, so we can’t split test humans. We can never know what it would be like exactly. It’s illegal to split test humans. I’ve asked, um, but we don’t know what that path would have been like. And we may have some nostalgia or wondering, but in terms of like.
[00:45:57] Like, who do you want to apologize to? You spent time with your family because you thought that was important. I imagine that someone who really was mindful and spent time with their family would grow as a coach. So who are you apologizing what for? Or is it a feeling of, I wonder what that would have been like and some nostalgia that you’re taking as, I did something wrong or I have to.
[00:46:18] I think sometimes we’re not taught nuanced emotions as children. We’re not taught, we’re like, I’m either bad or I’m happy or I’m sad. Am I good or am I bad? There’s a very black and white kind of Versus, oh, I’m happy but I’m also a little sad. Um, that’s okay. I feel some nostalgia, I feel some regret, but I’m still generally happy.
[00:46:39] Like, we really At least if you’re like my family, it was very black and white. You were either a good kid or you were bad kids. And, like, there was no in between. You couldn’t be some, like, part good and part bad. So I think that we don’t know how to interpret our emotions when we’re like, wow, I wonder what that would have been like.
[00:46:57] I don’t really regret that I spent the time with the family, but I do wish I could have grown more as a coach and grown my business. And I’m curious who I would be, but do I really have to apologize to anyone? What do I owe anybody? So I just, I thought that was a really great example for this because it’s not like, You didn’t let anyone down.
[00:47:15] Like, who did you let down? Like, who did you do something that was apologetic worthy, if that makes sense? Um, and so I thought that was really good, good example. Now someone wrote, reminds me of a hard Catholic school memory. Every week we had to go to forced confession. Face to face with a priest. Before we went over to the cathedral, they had us all put our heads down on the desk with the lights out to think about what sins we did.
[00:47:46] I remember not being able to think of anything, but needing to come up with something to be sorry about. The bullet train for my sorry is well worn. The thought of who I would be if I could not say sorry 20 times a day is terrifying. This session is so helpful. Thank you, and thank you, because like you, like you reflected.
[00:48:06] And I think that this goes to, um, where we started with Cathy’s definition of sin and sinner. Um, early on in my, emotional journey. I remember getting an insight. You may think it’s an insight or not. For me, it was, I remember the relief when I was feeling such intense shame around things that had happened to me.
[00:48:40] Secret shame. Um, that I saw a preacher point directly at me through the television. You are a sinner! I was like, finally someone who knows me and understands. There’s a relief. And if you’re stuck in where harm was done to you or done to you and you’re not sure who’s at fault because someone else pointed the finger at you and blamed you for what happened, um, vibrationally where harm is involved, the missing of the mark goes to survival, to life and death kinds of harm that we can do to each other, things that destroy families and destroy people’s sense of themselves.
[00:49:35] And those harms are very significant. And if I step out of my integrity and harm someone that way. I have a sense that shame is good and useful for me to reflect and to bring it home. Not forever. There needs to be a process to, to, to make right, to repair the rupture if possible, to repent even. And then there’s all these other things.
[00:50:04] which go to missing the mark. And if you’re the type of person that aspires to always think kind thoughts, I did not think a kind thought. If you’re someone who wants to have integrity sexually in their relationship, and you have a thought about, ooh, ooh, um, Is that a sin? Well, for you, it could be like, hey, I’m trying to, I am, I aspire to have these containers that matter to me.
[00:50:33] I’m very clear. If you can say that, I’m very clear that this matters to me. Safety and respect. Consent matters to me. If I do something that’s outside of consent, There is a good repercussion inside of me, but consent is an infinite spectrum. Right. And, um, it’s like being happy around people that really want to be grumpy.
[00:51:04] Your enthusiasm is not consensual, but I do not consider it a sin. It could be missing the mark. Like I aspire to be sensitive to people around me. I aspire to have places where they’re happy. Frisky, frolicking people, you know, skipping through the flowers and not everywhere and not all the time. Um, and this, a helpful thing can be to say, yeah, there are, they’re truly harmful things that humans do to each other.
[00:51:34] And I feel deeply sad and, um, sometimes profound grief of the way that that has happened in, in my life and still happens in the world. And then there are these. Aspirational things. And this is where perfectionism lies, right? Like if you’re a sinner because you don’t really respect your father’s alcoholism or his attitude toward the president or whatever it is, is that a sin?
[00:52:10] Well, if the commandment is thou shalt honor thy mother and father, it gets very confused in us. And that’s where I think that your point of, hey, I, I aspire, I have aspirations. Um, uh, some most beautiful aspirations, um, are, infinite, eternal, um, for me, safety, respect, freedom. Um, I, I can’t find a, a, a cap to those.
[00:52:41] Um, and if I miss the, miss the mark, am I in the direction of it? Um, can I reflect that, oh yeah, I love, I love co creating and, Uh, right now there’s this feeling inside of me that I’ve been talking a lot, and I’m, and my partner here, um, I don’t know whether she’s feeling like I’m talking a lot, and I don’t know how you guys are feeling that I’m talking a lot.
[00:53:10] I want to apologize, and instead, I can say, because what matters to me is to hold a space together where I, I sense and let go and leave, leave space for others to have. What they want to share. I don’t consider that a sin and yet it falls in the in the category of where we start getting off course or something is clearly that was off the mark.
[00:53:47] But I love that you asked about it. You talked about it rather than I will I in the past, especially I would sit there and beat myself up because I interrupted or said something versus like. Hey, what’s going on for you? And I do have some things I’d love to share. And you’re also sharing really great things and I don’t know how the rest of the group feels, but I think one of the things I want to point out is when we’re talking about missing the mark, if we always stay in our comfort zone, if we always stay in the small center, we’re much more likely to hit the mark a lot.
[00:54:17] If we are trying to grow and explore and expand as humans, we’re going to be in new situations and we are going to miss the mark more. That does not mean we are worse people. It does mean we’re in a new situation where we don’t know the param our skill set doesn’t match this new situation yet. I think it’s actually amazing when we miss the mark and get beautiful mindful feedback and can grow because that’s helping our skill set.
[00:54:43] It’s helping us grow as humans. Someone shared that they have trouble apologizing. They mean to apologize. They think about it, but they’re worried about the other person and they don’t really know what to say. So they don’t actually share it. And it feels like it’s such a sense of discomfort and disconnection.
[00:55:00] One of the things that I’ve tried and you’re welcome to try it if you like is saying just owning the truth of that like I have a really like going to Rick like if that were true and say I have a really hard time apologizing I’m not sure how the other person’s going to handle it I’m worried about like all these different things and I’m wondering if I can awkwardly apologize to you for something because I’ve been holding it and it’s been bothering me.
[00:55:22] And start with something small, like, you know, I interrupted you earlier in this call, and you know, you were on a good flow, and I’m sorry, I was just excited about my thought, but I really, my intention is for us to have easy flow together, and I felt like I interrupted that, but owning the discomfort, owning the awkwardness, owning the like, I am resistant to doing this because of these things can give the other person beautiful context.
[00:55:46] And then, you know, if again, I wouldn’t go, I wouldn’t take the, I crashed your car and ran off with your, your partner kind of as the first, I would start with something smaller. Um, and with people that you feel safe with, you want to build up the muscle, but like, It will, like, once you see, like, you know, Oh, I’m sorry I interrupted you.
[00:56:05] And I have a really hard time saying that because I feel like I want to be the person that would never interrupt anyone. And by acknowledging that I did that, I’m acknowledging I’m not that person I wanted to be. So it’s kind of hard for me to say that, but here, you know, I am sorry I did that. I wish, I wish I hadn’t done that.
[00:56:21] Um, we can, when we talk about the things that are around the thing, people actually feel closer to us often. We say, Oh, I often say, I’m sorry, because I want to let you know, I care, or I want you to know that I’m not taking you for granted. That’s much more rich and deep than the, I’m sorry. So when we can kind of train ourselves to like, expand what we share a little bit, there’s a richness in that that can be really fun.
[00:56:51] And I think, and it can also build up the muscles really well, like our muscles are sharing. I’d like to take our seven minute break. Um, here. And if you’re watching the replay, hi, uh, great to have you with us. Um, we do recommend that people pause, uh, take a powerful pause, see where you’re at and, um, take care of your biological needs and you’re still in the container.
[00:57:16] So it gets to process a little different versus you’re running off to do whatever you need to do before tomorrow. So, Okay, we’ll be back in seven. Welcome back. So the sorry cycle can exist between people and in ways that may not even be obvious, um, if you’re in it. Um, anyone as a child, um, Assume that their parent, one or more of their parents feelings were their own responsibility.
[00:58:00] So this goes to one of the comments, um, I’m becoming more aware of my pattern of me saying, sorry, in my head and wanting to say, sorry, I’m planning it and thinking about it, but then not actually doing it. Um, Not having the courage to say it and not knowing how being worried that the sorry will set the other person off or upset them and be dismissed.
[00:58:30] Um, I’m not saying that this is what is, it is something that as I’ve looked at it, um, I’ve noticed inside of myself, for example,
[00:58:51] If my partner is not happy and they apologize, so let’s say, hey, I’m, let’s say they were to say, Hey, I’m, I’m really sorry. I’ve been so down recently. There’s a reaction in me. It’s primal. I am not being a good man.
[00:59:20] If my mother had apologized to me, I said, I’m sorry. I’m so worried all the time. I just can’t help it. I just worry about you. I knew she was worried. I took responsibility for her worry, but if she had put that right in my face, I, tender little Ricky would have been like, I, I feel so ashamed. I, I would either want to dismiss them feeling my mom for being worried all the time or tell her to cheer up or, you know, I would, I, because the, the cycle There would have come and, and reflexively hit me.
[01:00:06] I’ve noticed that a lot of empathetic people may hold back sharing their feelings with certain people.
[01:00:19] The question of whether they’re holding back sharing all of the details of the way that they’re sorry that they’ve missed the mark and missed the mark and missed the mark and missed the mark. Um, is that lack of courage or is there some other wisdom that may be present? I least propose the and invite what if this is not the human that can hear the I’m sorry part, but in my own heart, I’m aware I’m really missing the mark.
[01:00:49] And because What matters to me, you know, I, uh, it matters to me that my, my children feel like I not only have their back, I have their front, I have their side. I’m really with them. I really want my children to feel that I’m with them. And sometimes I check out, I’m sorry. I check out because what matters to me.
[01:01:12] is to be present with them. And so if I’m speaking to a three year old, there’s a bunch of that conversation that I can have with Cathy. She can empathize, help me and respect my humanity and also look at like, Hey, what do you find yourself doing? Is there something that we can shift there? My three year old and even my 10 year old, they’re not ready for that.
[01:01:39] Conversation. I don’t know what it would evoke in them, but the energy of me being sorry about like how I’m parenting them, there’s a difference when it starts. Like, I want to process this with you. I want you to understand. I’m not intentionally, um, being overwhelmed by your whatever. Um, that’s of course different than blaming them.
[01:02:11] It’s certainly an upgrade. There’s nothing, you know, and I’m, I’m curious about if we were looking at this as a cycle, we acknowledge that sometimes the cycle gets interrupted. Like it stays within us because it never has an outlet. Um, and it seems obvious to like, share it with. You know, the 11 year old, because they’re so savvy in some ways.
[01:02:39] But if, if there’s, if there’s any chance that your 11 year old take, takes any responsibility for how you feel and might feel like, Oh, they’d be better off. Maybe mom would be better off without me or dad would be better off without me. Um, then them talking about their emotions may not, may not be where the cycle shifts.
[01:03:04] I do believe that there is. Uh, as I practice the, Hey, what I’d really love to have today, or what would be, uh, what matters to me is, uh, uh, emotional stability or, um, and I, so I’m going to go take a, a horizontal reset. Hey, I want to be really, uh, ready for our trip to the dragon park. Um, and so I’m going to go take a horizontal reset internally.
[01:03:34] It’s like, I’m sorry, I’m not ready to go yet. Um, and I really need to tend to resetting my nervous system before going on that adventure. Um, you feel the difference. Does that make sense? Cathy? Yeah, it’s really profound. Um, I think that we do get to judge who we’re talking. A three year old may not be able to process much with that.
[01:03:57] And I do love teaching mindful sharing with them, but they’re not, it’s not their job to process it with us. And I do think, I don’t imagine many of us have done this, but if there’s a really deep harm we’ve done to the other person, it’s really not their job to process with us. Like when a coach or therapist, if we, if you’ve done like some, some deep harm has happened to that other person, it’s not their job to hold space for us.
[01:04:22] So I do think we can acknowledge that but for someone like I was a few minutes later, maybe I said something too sharp, most people can handle it. And someone had shared in the chat that they’re really worried about people using their words against their apology against them. If they do apologize and there are people that will use those words against them for the rest of their life.
[01:04:42] My mother will still remind me of the vase I broke when I was 10. We picked her gladiolas. We thought we were doing something nice for her. We put her flowers in her favorite vase. It fell over and broke. But I still hear about it at least twice a year. It’s not like, Oh, remember when you did that, it’s like, Oh, I wish I had that vase.
[01:05:00] It was so valuable. It was still the antique. I like, and I’ve offered to buy her a new one, but apparently that would not be sufficient. So, um, so I think we get to judge who we’re talking to. And I have also become very aware that I sometimes am very wrong about my judgment about people. So I try to take risks, small risks with people to see like, Oh, I’m thinking this person would not be good to share with, But let me try a little bit and I might be, I’m open to being pleasantly surprised.
[01:05:28] And we can even say, Hey, I’m, I really would like to talk to you about something, but I’m afraid this is going to come up and bite me. I’m afraid that you’ll bring this up to hold it over my head. It makes it a lot harder for them to hold it over your head. If you say, I’m afraid of this, but I’d like to talk to you anyway.
[01:05:44] Are you open to hearing it? Because they’re kind of agreeing not to hold it over your head. Doesn’t mean they’ll honor it, but there’s a, it’s a kind of a jujitsu move in a way. It’s not manipulative. It’s like, I am genuinely afraid of this. Um, are you open to hearing what we talk about this? Um, so I invite you to Test it with safe, the people that are least scary to you about this and just be open to being surprised.
[01:06:07] Because I often think, I think, I judge that I’m pretty good at judging people and I have been very pleasantly surprised and sometimes very unpleasantly surprised at times. So I know not there’s, you know, I like to think that I’m really good at it, but I’m not perfect. Um, And the person also shared that they wanted some kind of reassurance, um, that they’re not too much, uh, processing this with people.
[01:06:31] Some people are like, oh my god, you want to talk about this again? Oh my god, you want to just chew everything to death. They are probably not your processing buddies. Um, and I think a lot of us want to know, especially if we have deep shames and fears from when we were kids, we want to know that the person hears us, we’re not too much, that we’re worth talking to about this.
[01:06:51] And different people have different strengths. I have movie buddies. They will go to a movie with me in a drop of a hat. You know, we’ll see weird movies together or whatever. But, they’re not my processing buddies. I know I can call Rick any, like, dude I need to talk. He’ll say, I’m really busy with the baby, can we talk in a half hour or something?
[01:07:08] But, I know when he’s there, we can talk. There’s not going to be a judgment or a, I’m going to hold this over your head or say you’re too much. Um, so, it’s okay to have different categories of friends. And then just gently invite baby steps to see if the people can accomplish more, accommodate more, but you know, telling them that, like, I would really like to talk to you about this and I’m afraid you’re going to think it’s too much.
[01:07:31] Would you tell me, would you agree to tell me if you get bored of this conversation? Just naming the thing we’re afraid of. And I think that for me, that’s been so profound. Like I work with a coach, that’s his motto. And like, I’m always like, blah, blah, blah, blah. He’s like, did you tell them that? I’m like, no, it’s like really powerful.
[01:07:49] When we tell people what we’re, what our fears are, even if it’s someone that might, you hold it up against our, hold us over our head, if we say, I’m afraid of you’ll hold this over my head, they have a lot less power there. And if they do hold it over your head, you’re kind of like, And I told you I didn’t want to, you know, like if I told you when they take some of the, the sting away from when they, they’re like, Oh, that vase.
[01:08:11] Well, I told you, you know, that I was worried about you talking to me about that, bringing that up. And I feel like you are. So can we talk about that? There’s like a little less, it takes the sting out of it. So I encourage you, if you feel like you have the resources and you can practice this with a get, you know, schedule some time with Rick or go on one of the circle calls and say, I want to practice this.
[01:08:32] Can you role play this other person? And I want to practice because it really is useful. It’s different than gossiping. Gossiping is like just spinning on the same wheel all the time. Venting is like I’m gonna take five or ten minutes and just like bleh so that I can have more clarity on it. And then there’s practicing, a practice conversation where I’m gonna figure out how I feel.
[01:08:52] Do I have the strength? How do I want to navigate this before I’m in front of that person that might not handle it as well? So I invite you, find people to vent to. And find people to have practice conversations with, um, and if you’re someone that backs off on the practice, like you practice your conversation, but then you don’t have it, you can say, Hey, could you follow up with me a week, you know, a couple of days and see if I had the conversation, what’s holding me back.
[01:09:15] Can you encourage me on that? Those are all really good ways to build up a muscle that expands our world and gives us a lot more power in the world. So, and I want that for all of us. I think the world’s a better place when we’re talking about what’s real for us. Um, when I, when I did the research around I’m sorry and the sorry cycle, um, there were moments of, of just such deep heartfelt tenderness about why people don’t say them they’re sorry and why they do.
[01:09:52] Someone said, I’m so used to silence because that’s the way my parents and brother handled uncomfortable situations. Then they cut me off like I don’t exist. And it goes to.
[01:10:07] Some people are more defensive than others or defended than others. And. In that situation, some families, you know, it used to be the, the thing was, you know, we, we, we sweep it under the rug, right? Because people did, like, they’d sweep things under the rug, and sometimes they cleaned under the rug, and sometimes it looked like there was several dead people under the rug.
[01:10:36] It might have been. Um, you know, another metaphor is, we have this big family sack of shit, and it’s in a balloon, and, uh, You know, don’t do anything to poke it because if it explodes, we kind of all know what’s going to happen here. There will be no escape. It’s like that elephant foam thing where they just pour in a little thing and everything’s everywhere except for this stuff smells.
[01:11:12] And I, I, it doesn’t make it easier. I really tender for those. empathetic people who were raised in an environment where we didn’t get any space to really process what was going on inside and that the when I see something like then they cut me off like I don’t exist that means their primitive brain is using the ostracize, um, push people away, which is our primitive brain being a outcast is one of the most painful, uh, ways that you teach others what’s acceptable and what isn’t.
[01:11:54] Um, yeah. So I, I wanted to acknowledge that the sorry cycle can, um, there is a healthy, Kind of processing of, of emotions and energy, um, in ourselves and with others. And for some people that cycle never completes. It just feels hard. Sometimes the cycle is toward us. Sometimes it’s away from us. Um, I’m appreciate you for being here and exploring this because I believe that when, when we model, even in our little circles, Um, even with one person that we’re looking to upgrade.
[01:12:42] That will saying reflexively, I’m sorry, or saying of saying, I’m sorry to avoid a conversation or saying, I’m sorry, because I’ve got the shame. I don’t know where it came from. And it’s the best thing I learned to say when I feel that way. Um, any upgrade shifts and changes for that opens up an opportunity for both deep healing and closeness and co creating and all the good and juicy things that we, I’d like to see more of.
[01:13:17] I’d like to see that for you, for me and we. Yeah. Is there anything you wanted to, you said a direct message that you got? I already answered that one. Um, if it wasn’t clear, please feel free to let us know. But someone shared, so the question is something like, what do I want to accomplish by saying sorry and looking internally and externally?
[01:13:37] And I think that’s a beautiful summation. Like, if we notice we’re saying that, and you may notice you’ve already said it. And it may be, you know, three or four days down the road. You’re like, Oh, I said it again. What was I hoping to accomplish by that? It’s okay. Each time you practice that it’ll, maybe it’ll be two and a half days the next time before you notice it.
[01:13:55] And maybe it’ll be eventually an hour or five minutes after. And then you start getting to, as you’re saying, Oh, hold on. I’m doing it again. I need a minute. It’s, it’s, it’s a practice. It’s just like, when we go to the gym, like at first it’s really hard to lift the weight. Um, and I, I just keep going back to, we can learn really hard things.
[01:14:14] I am teaching myself to wink with a non dominant eye. A lot of people, cause I wanted to try, I’m like, is this possible? Like how strong are neural pathways? And like, most people have one eye they can wink at. Some people have two eyes and some people say, if you can only make with one eye, that’s it. But I did some research and I found out that the eye that you want to, the eye that’s non dominant, I kept trying to get this muscle to be stronger to close it.
[01:14:37] And it’s like, not that it’s like, you can close that eye. It’s the other eye that you want to build the muscle to hold the other eye open with. And I’ve been practicing it. And it’s, it was like so hard at first. I felt like I was going to, First, a blood vessel trying, but I kept just doing little baby tests and now I can actually hold this eye open with this eye closed and I kind of have to remind it which one, cause it wants to switch, but it actually does it.
[01:14:58] And I imagine as I keep practicing, it will get better and better. So if something feels impossible, just imagine this analogy. Like it may feel like you’re trying to wink the non dominant eye. You get some skillsets, like you need to know what you’re trying to actually strengthen. You’re not trying to strengthen this muscle.
[01:15:14] You’re trying to strengthen this muscle and you practice it. And you fumble and you miss the mark a lot and you notice, Oh, I really missed the mark. What could I have done to kind of bring it in a little, what kind of steered me out there? What could I do better? What am I trying to accomplish internally and externally by this apology?
[01:15:32] Is it a band aid so I don’t have to feel something? Is it a way to escape this as a way to protect myself? Is there some part of me that needs healing? Just again, it’s fine to miss the mark by a lot. We hope we don’t shoot any of the bystanders. You know, like for way far off, we can kind of like, Hey, listen, I’m not very good at that.
[01:15:50] You may want to move, stand behind me and say it for like, we can tell people I’m not good at this yet, but like, it’s okay to miss the mark. The only way we learn to hit the mark is by being mindful as we miss the mark and gently building the skills to get better. So I think that’s, I think that’s that question.
[01:16:10] And thank you. Because like, what are, what am I actually saying? Um, when I say I’m sorry. I did this the other morning. I said, I’m sorry. I was in meditation and I kept saying, I’m sorry. And what it was, I was trying to accomplish was to bring myself back. And when I changed it to, I’m back, I’m here. Um, there wasn’t that dip of, and I don’t think it’s just me.
[01:16:52] If I say, I’m sorry. There’s a sense of that sin. Bad boy. You need to repent. You need to make it right. You need to make it right. Well, I just did. I’m back. Hey, I’m back. I’m here. I’m with you. I hear you.
[01:17:17] Um, and, and that’s a skill that I’m practicing. I acknowledge that in the, the emails I sent out. I’m going to be really curious over the coming weeks if something shifts for you around this and you’re willing, and it’s a yes for you to share, please come to the center, thrivingnow. center, and share that.
[01:17:42] Uh, I want, I want a world where people acknowledge harm. Without, without slipping off into their shame enough that they want to kill themselves. I want a world where we can repair ruptures in ways that are effective. I want a world where, um, I get to know what you value and where you miss the mark. Say, Hey, I love the feeling of being here a few minutes early.
[01:18:18] I get to see some of the people that are early birds. I, I like to, I like to drop in, get a chance. And, um, so yeah, I’m sorry I’m late. And I also am sharing with you arriving early matters to me. It enhances. I arrive early because it’s nice to say hi to Cathy. I don’t get to see her very often and just being able to speak it rather than just text it.
[01:18:50] Um, and I missed that today. Wow. That really tells me something about your, I’m sorry, I’m late that I wouldn’t have guessed necessarily, but I, I get it. Like, yeah, of course I get, you know, um, so. Yeah, thank you for being a part of that exploration. I do, I do believe this is a co creation with all of us and it’s so much richer for all the feedback and thoughts you share and your presence.
[01:19:19] I hope this helps. I hope you carry this forward and have a little bit more resilience because I think every time we, when we just kind of put that bandaid on, there’s a little bit of ownership if I did something wrong or I have a lower self. And it doesn’t, it takes away an opportunity where we could either learn ourselves or the other person or both deeper and be more present with them.
[01:19:39] So, um, if you can, don’t beat yourself up. If you say it, just use it as a, I think of it as an indicator light on the dashboard. Like if the oil light goes on the car, I might like, Oh, I’ve been meaning to get the oil change for however long, but it doesn’t necessarily mean I’ve got to beat myself up of the car up.
[01:19:57] It’s like, Oh, this is a sign. I need to look at something. Something needs to be tweaked. Transcribed So I invite you, if you can, here, if you start beating yourself up, hear Rick’s and my voice saying, there’s nothing wrong. This is just an indicator light that this is a place you could put some attention and improve things for yourself and for others.
[01:20:16] Thank you all. Thank you, Cathy.
[01:20:21] Till next time. Bye.
[01:20:23]
Replay is below
