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Boundaries in Motion - Graceful Exits and Savvy Communication
[00:00:00] Boundaries in motion, graceful exits and savvy communications.
[00:00:04] This is a real skills workshop because we believe that when it comes to co creating and expressing and building a thriving life, that this. Energetic, how do we take care of ourselves and, and even more than just protecting ourselves, uh, from harm, which a lot of times we think of boundaries being about, um, stopping harm from happening, stopping things that are not right for us, um, boundaries are more than that in our experience for.
[00:00:39] Thriving boundaries are something that is, is fluid. It honors and respects the guidance that not only you have. But also the other people and we create a dynamic ideally where we can thrive. We can be in our hardest tree. We can make invitations. We can change our mind, change our energy. And I am delighted here.
[00:01:01] I’m Rick from thriving now, and I’m delighted to be here with Kathy from thriving now. and the Intimacy Dojo, and to tap into her deep experience working across the spectrum of different ways that people interact, as well as she’s Super Aunt Kathy to our kids. And I crossed the boundary yesterday of my getting books for Adira that Rick had requested I not get, so I had to grovel a little.
[00:01:30] But she asked, how can you say no to a cute book? I know. Dynamic boundaries. I love the books. We’ve read the ones that you just sent about 16 times, and the dynamic boundary is right now there’s a layer, um, of books across about a, a 40, 400 square foot area because there’s no room. And so like, that’s a graceful kind of thing, like Kathy and I are talking about it.
[00:01:59] Um, and it’s not doing harm. It’s actually a beautiful thing. And Kathy, isn’t it true that sometimes something can be really nice, really sweet, and yet it also is asking for an adjustment or maybe your energy is moving differently now that you have a different clarity. Is that, yeah, I think the more I tune in.
[00:02:24] Get tuned in with what’s right for me. It’s there’s sometimes it’s something that would be really lovely, but it’s just not aligned with where I’m at at that moment or where I want to put my time. It’s nice to have friends like Rick that I can tell that to be like, you know, I would love to go for barbecue, but I’m really feeling like I just need a little quiet time.
[00:02:44] Can we take a rain check? And we’ve built that relationship over time where it’s like, Oh, I’m not rejecting you. I’m just saying, this is where I want to flow right now. Um, and. That is a beautiful thing. And I want to also honor that it can be challenging to build this. If you have trauma, it can be our survival brain can have learned that it’s dangerous to say no to someone.
[00:03:07] It’s dangerous to push back at all. And some of us are socialized. I think, uh, women, people raised as women in our society are very socialized that don’t get the man angry. It might literally be dangerous. And people of other races, like BIPOC people, you know, are very It can literally be life threatening to push back in the wrong situation.
[00:03:29] So we’re struggling with how do I be aligned with myself and take care of myself and also acknowledging that some of us have had experiences or live in a world that’s just not very safe to do that. And I think there’s still ways we can. While acknowledging that and definitely making choices that keep us safe, we can develop deeper relationships with the right people where we can have those really beautiful, the dance of like, huh, this is my boundary here and this is what I need.
[00:03:58] And I’m going to gracefully as I can exit things that are not a good fit for me. So I just, I did want to say like, what we’re sharing is advice and suggestions and ideas. Sometimes, but it’s not to override your knowledge of what’s safe for you in any given situation. Like, there’s a lot of people I don’t feel safe saying no to or gracefully exiting, but they’re not close to me and I make sure to not include them in my family, my close interactions as much as possible.
[00:04:29] And we don’t always have control of that. So just want to honor that. If your brain is like, Oh, I can’t do this. We’re not saying to universally apply this with everybody. Where we’re talking about the people that you are feeling safe enough to practice the muscle. We’re not saying it won’t be awkward. It could still be a little scary, but we’re not asking you to go up and like slap the biggest person across the face and say, I don’t like how you looked at me.
[00:04:54] So that’s an exaggeration of what anyone would do here. I know people are gentle, but I want to make sure that’s knowledge because I think that. My brain gets caught up in like, I can’t do that. Well, there might be a few places where you can start practicing that and carving out the skills and then start building up relationships with more people that you can tell, like, Hey, I’m sorry.
[00:05:16] I sent a few more books. Please don’t hate me. Or can we do barbecue tomorrow instead? If that makes sense, it does in our work as emotional freedom coaches and one of the reasons I was attracted to EFT tapping that one of the technologies that we use is that it can help, um, give us options related to, uh, relationships that are harmful relationships or, you know, Behavior that’s abusive things that are where maybe I froze, maybe I became compliant and I just don’t want to do that anymore, but I needed to reprogram my primitive brain.
[00:05:59] We even have, um, if you go to thriving now dot com slash brain, you can see what I mean by that. Trauma has a way of making the primitive brain the lead dog, um, bite, flight, freeze, freeze, on being compliant. Um, and those are really hard and they’re, there’s, that’s a step up. And a lot of the work that therapists and others do around trauma is to get us from being, um, either overly fighting, overly fleeing, overly freezing, um, Bonding to be a place where we’ve got, we feel we have freedom and choice.
[00:06:41] Emotional freedom is darts there where you have the, some of some capacity and Kathy acknowledged, um, there are situations where I actually am perfectly fine with my primitive brain saying lie here, Yeah. We’re going to go on and pretend we really like this person and then bail out of here. I’m so sorry.
[00:07:05] I just got an emergency text from my family. I have to leave. I am perfectly, I put that in the category of a beautiful exit for your self preservation, for your wellbeing. Um, it fits that category of if I can leave a situation, um, uh, and feel like I can, I can take my, my own needs into account, that’s, That’s awesome.
[00:07:36] It also goes in immediate situations where you may not want to leave, but you may need to say, um, move your hand. It doesn’t belong there on my body. I’ve not given consent. Maybe like Kathy has taught workshops with people where we practice and go deeper into, you know, you may be, you’re on a date and something is going on and, um, you need to be able to assert yourself.
[00:08:05] We have other workshops that we’ve done on boundaries, a graceful exit in this context, boundaries and motion are, you know, in any relationship, any situation, things can change, right? You could be like, Hey, Kathy, do you want to go for a hike? And she’s like, yeah, that would be great. And we get there and 20 steps into it.
[00:08:30] She’s like. Uh, hey, Rick, um, this hasn’t happened, but I’m okay. I feel it’s graceful to say something like, this trail does not work for me, or, hey, I know we talked about doing this walk together, but right now, as I start moving, my body is saying, you know, no. Uh, I did this with my partner, we’re, we’re, we both love to hike and everything else.
[00:09:02] And we were walking along and we were not nearly as far as we thought we would go. And I said, Hey, um, I’m really feeling drawn to turn back. Uh, do you want to, do you want to walk a little further and I’ll meet you back at the car? Um, do you want me to wait here for you? And you walk a little bit, but I’m, I’m done moving further away from the car.
[00:09:30] Is that an exit? Yes, because we had an expectation or we had an agreement and I’m saying I’m saying for my In myself, I have clarity. I need to I want to change it’s best for me to change I’m taking myself into account and i’m also with kindness where possible Starting with something gentle with an opportunity for Communication savvy communication about where I am And, and what happens now, I’m guessing a lot of us have had the experience where you’re out and you’re doing something and you really like drop that.
[00:10:15] Vague little hint like, uh, is it, is it time to turn around here? You know, it’s feeling a little hot. Wow. I really wasn’t expecting it to be this muggy. Oh yeah. Me too. Bob, Bob, Bob. And they keep walking. Right. And you’re like, okay. Um, Hey, my, my ankles bothering me a little bit. Oh, it’s not much further. You know, like they’re not actually tracking you.
[00:10:39] Bye bye. And, um, so this is, that’s a situation we’re going to be touching on today. Um, things like that. Um, the chat is open. We invite you to share as much as feels right to you. Um, we, we can’t read a few pages of, of comments, but, uh, if there are ways that you would like to. For those of you that have joined us, um, if there’s a way for us to tune this, to be, um, even more useful to you, I’ve heard from a number of people.
[00:11:14] Um, but I wanted to complete that story. Part of a graceful, um, communication and a graceful exit to me is, am I being congruent with myself? Uh, am I communicating at a level that, um, has, you know, Boundaries that can move. For example, the hint that might be enough. Like Kathy is so empathic and intuitive.
[00:11:46] If I made any kind of comment that was a vague hint, I’m. Like I would bet that she would say, Hey, do you want to stop here and rest a little bit or turn back? Like, that’s the kind of kinship we have. Um, what do you need? Right? Like that’s an, uh, a thing that, that she asks regularly. I’m really blessed to have a friend to be honest with you.
[00:12:09] Um, but there, the boundaries in motion. Part of this is I, I have said maybe what I want and I’m getting pressure back to continue. We’re okay. So now the boundary perhaps needs a more clear, direct, I’m not walking further. And so that’s our, that’s what’s true for me. Um, and. Then the boundary can move to a place where it’s more assertive.
[00:12:41] It’s more direct. Um, say, hey, I’ve shared with you what’s true for me. I want the pressure to continue to stop. Yeah, there’s some people like, no, come on, we’re almost there, you know. I set aside this whole day. We’re like, I can see the top. Come on. Like, there’s a lot of encouragement, pressure, right? So if pressure is something that is hard for you.
[00:13:06] Um, it used to be a lot harder for me because I didn’t have any savvy communication. Um, I used to drop back to, to an excuse, like, Oh, honestly, my ankle really hurts. Or like, even if it only was just slightly. Uncomfortable, I would say. I might start limping and you’d be like, Brick, well, it’s a way that our primitive brain says, Hey, uh, we need to take care of ourselves.
[00:13:36] Um, a lot of my, a lot of things that can happen inside of our body is our body is way of saying, well, if you’re not going to let them know that it’s time for us to turn back. Maybe we’ll do something else like make you feel sick or have you have to go potty and you know, like there’s a, an escalation that some of us may have noticed that our body does not everyone’s.
[00:14:04] Does, but it’s, it’s an aspect, um, so one of the things I’ve noticed when I, like, I’ve come from, like, I didn’t even know what I wanted. I didn’t have boundaries, really, because we can’t have a boundary if we’re not aware of what we need. And I think, um. I use the analogy. I don’t know how many people know about it, but it’s called a very large array.
[00:14:29] It’s a, it’s a telescope made of a lot of satellite dishes, hundreds of satellite dishes, 10 feet across in New Mexico, beautiful place. If you watched contact movie, that’s where you see it, but they all, they point them in different directions to see different parts of the universe. And one of the things I was doing was my very large array was all pointed outside to other people.
[00:14:53] I wasn’t tuning into myself at all. And so I didn’t know actually what I wanted. And I had some trauma growing up where I learned it really wasn’t safe to know what I wanted because it made it even harder to experience it. So I just kind of numbed out and tuned out. I have to, and I do still have to remind myself, especially if someone’s having a lot of emotions or I want to.
[00:15:14] I have to remind myself, let’s tune some of those dishes back at me. I have to know, I have to tune into myself and know what’s right for me before I can ask for anything. Um, and for anyone who’s had trauma or was raised by people, a family that were, that was, um, It’s very convenient for the family if you are just tuned to them.
[00:15:34] It’s like they’re doing what I need them to do. They’re not complaining. I can get them, you know, I have these little slaves that are doing what I want. So there’s a kind of built in mechanism where some families will do that. And I love watching Adira who’s like, nope, I don’t want to talk to Aunt Kathy.
[00:15:49] I’m like, good for you, honey. Good job. Like, She’s not trying to people please me, but many of us were raised that way. And so I like the idea of these very large arrays, these big satellite dishes. Can I tune into myself now a little bit? And I’d love to do just a little tapping because I think this is so critical.
[00:16:07] And some of us have resistance and fear around that. So is it okay if we just do a little tapping on that? Great. So I invite you, if you’re in a place where you can do it, take a nice gentle breath in,
[00:16:23] let the air out. It signals to your survival brain, you’re safe. See if you can feel your feet on the floor and maybe breathe to them as well.
[00:16:36] Just notice your feet on the, the feet on the floor, your butt in the chair. We’re trying to get you in your body because this is a very, this topic for a lot of people has been a dangerous one. If I asked for the wrong thing, if I set the boundary the wrong way, People are going to react badly. I’ll be punished.
[00:16:53] They’ll leave me, whatever. There’s a lot that could happen here. So we want you to be grounded a little bit before we dive into like working on some of this. Um, and if you get, feel yourself getting upset, uh, there’s some grounding exercises at thriving now. com forward slash grounding. We can help you kind of get back in your body and you can also chat with us and we can do our best to help you.
[00:17:14] Kind of come back in, so we can just start with chopping in the karate chop. Even though I’m not really good at tuning into myself, even though I’m not always good at tuning into myself, especially when it might contradict someone else, especially when I might contradict someone else, I’m open to paying attention to what I need to.
[00:17:38] I’m open to paying attention to what I need to. Even though they kind of taught me to just pay attention to outsiders. Even though they taught me to just pay attention to other people. I’m open to spending some of that energy looking at me. I’m open to spending some of that energy looking at me. Top of the head.
[00:18:00] I’m not sure I’m good at this. I’m not sure I’m good at this. Eyebrow, and it might feel uncomfortable. And it might feel uncomfortable. Under the eye, but my needs get to be heard, too. My needs get to be heard, too. Under the eye, my preferences get to matter. My preferences get to matter. Under the nose, I’m an adult.
[00:18:24] I am an adult. And I can decide to spend some time and energy on me. I can decide to spend some time and energy on me, too. Collarbone. It’s okay to tune into me. It’s okay to tune into me. Under the arm. It might feel awkward. It might feel awkward. Top of the head. But I can learn as I go. But I can learn as I go.
[00:18:53] And just take a breath and notice what’s coming up for you. There might be some fears, some reactions. Some people are like, ah, you know, like if there’s fear or whatever, right down the thoughts that come, the feelings, cause those are great things to tap a little more on because if we can help our survival brain realize.
[00:19:10] Oh, I can know what I want. The thing is, we want what we want, even if we’re consciously letting us be aware of it. When I don’t let myself be consciously aware of it, I can’t do anything, really, to make it happen. I’m stuck. I’m gonna, like I hope that the world gives me what I need, and I can tend, and people get resentful with each other because they’re not getting what they need, but they just don’t know what it is.
[00:19:37] And that’s very hard for other people to tune to them or support them. They just know that something’s off and they’re getting in trouble, but they don’t know why. As soon as we can start consciously noticing what we want, we can go, Oh, every time I go to that place and hang out with that person, I’m not getting what I want at all.
[00:19:57] Maybe I should spend less time there, or maybe I could start telling them what I want. But this other place is pretty easy. Oh, I can, maybe you can even fine tune it. What would make this better? Well, if I asked for this, that can make this whole better. And that gives a lot of flow and ease in our lives.
[00:20:15] And I just think that’s really important.
[00:20:20] It is, this is a real skills workshop. And what I mean by that is that these. These are skills, starts with sometimes an uncomfortable situation or a pattern that we pick up that’s just really not working. Someone asked about, okay, so what do you do around setting boundaries with people who don’t respond to subtlety?
[00:20:51] Um, And it, the issue arises because in this case, chattering has become very uncomfortable to me. So there are people that respond to subtleties. There are people that overreact the subtleties, like You can be just very gentle and have someone react as if you’ve called them a nasty name, right? Okay, and and our our triggered self as an adult or I believe our triggered self is mostly our Responsibility if someone saying no to us is a tragedy to our psyche That’s on us to do the work Develop the skill I’m saying, you know, I want reciprocal freedom, you know, even though I don’t like it when people say no to me, I want reciprocal freedom, that’s an approach.
[00:21:50] I want, uh, thank you for taking care of yourself is a way to respond to people who say no to us. It’s weird. Came from, I learned it through cuddle parties, but when someone’s, you know, when you ask, Hey, would you like to have me rub your back? And they say, no, thank you. Um, or just no. And you say, Hey, thank you for taking care of yourself.
[00:22:14] Um, that’s a skill that can be practiced. And I will tell you that, um, He used it with my three and a half year old the other day. Um, I really wanted. To do something and she was like, no, I was like, Oh, well, thank you for taking care of yourself. And I went off and navigated my world to do something a little different than what we were planning.
[00:22:39] But people don’t always pick up on subtleties. Um, there are some people whose brain can’t just like, they’re very literal and a subtle hint isn’t actually for them. Like, Ooh, well, it’s really hot. I wasn’t expecting this. All that says is it’s really hot and you weren’t expecting it to be that hot. That has nothing to do with whether you’re going to continue or not.
[00:23:05] Yeah, there’s no actual request or There’s no request. And this is where, um, if you have been in the hinting and hoping, Um, let’s try that on for a moment. Like I, I hint and hope how true does that feel? Like that’s an eight for me, right? That’s, that’s, that’s hinting and hoping that’s not savvy communication.
[00:23:34] That’s not, um, uh, speaking to what matters to you. It’s hinting and hoping. And I’d like to do just a tapping on that too. One of the things that tapping does for me is it helps with acceptance. Even though I hint and hope. Even though I hint and hope. I’ve been doing it all my life. I have been doing it all my life.
[00:23:54] I might be doing it 20 years from now. I might be doing it 20 years from now. But it’s not the only way to communicate. It’s not the only way to communicate. And I accept that it can be really confusing. And I accept that it can be really confusing. Not bad. And I can get resentful. And I can get resentful.
[00:24:14] Eyebrow, why aren’t you getting the hint? Why are you not getting the hint? Side of the eye, I will hint harder. I will hint harder. Under the eye, I will get angry. I will get angry. Under the nose, and try not to show it. And try not to show it. I hint and I hope. I hint and I hope. I won. Well, it’s always an option.
[00:24:39] It’s always an option. I’m good at it. I’m good at it. Under the arm. And I am open to some more savvy communication. And I’m open to some more savvy communication. Like, uh, directly stating my request. Like directly stating my request.
[00:25:00] As soon as I, I say directly stating my request, my primitive brain goes, Oh, do we have to be like, um, do we have to put our anger chi behind it? Do we have to put our force, force behind it? Well, this is, this is an interesting part of the boundaries in motion
[00:25:24] when, for crafting a thriving life, for building a thriving life with other people and with ourselves. To me, there’s a range, a spectrum. And if I say stating my request directly, and I picture myself going, I request that you stop. Chattering constantly in the car. Okay. All right. That’s direct. And that’s, that is one of the boundaries that’s like, um, it’s asserting and saying the next step would be like this stops or I drive, I pull over and everybody gets out.
[00:26:03] Like there’s, that’s in the survival. This is causing me harm kind of, uh, Part of the spectrum. It’s this thriving part of it, which says, Hey, I’m noticing that, um, I’m getting feeling all chaotic with this conversation. Well, I’d like to ask that we be quiet for a few minutes. And see if I can regulate myself.
[00:26:32] Now that may be a foreign language to everyone you hang with. It’s not a foreign language here. I think most of us followed what I mean by that. Um, but the first time you use it with people, what are you talking about? Well, I just need some quiet. Why? The way my brain works. Notice I simplified. I, you know, just the way my brain’s working right now.
[00:26:54] I need, I need some silence. That. That is different from you’re too loud. That’s the primitive brain to me, directing and controlling outside of myself. If we start with, okay, what, what’s not working here for me? Where, where do I need to move my energy? I’m needing more of a, a quiet container. Hey, I need some quiet right now.
[00:27:21] Would you, um, do you think we could hold a quiet space here or should I take a break and go outside or go up to my room or, um, talk to you later? Hey, that talking about that subject right now just makes me feel cuckoo brains. And, uh, would you be willing to change the subject? No. Okay. Well, I’m going to need to take a break.
[00:27:47] Do you see how I’m, I’m starting with something that for me isn’t hinting. It is gentle to me. It’s kind toward me. Um, if I do it before my resentment starts coming up or my primitive brain starts kicking in, then there’s a quality of, Hey, I really like being with you right now. And I finding I need to walk in silence for a bit.
[00:28:21] Is that work for you? Or would you like to walk ahead? I can even offer options for us. That’s still, uh, options that honor what would work for me, the yeses I share. I can feel like I can share my yeses. Um, how does that what comes up for you, Kathy? Are you picking anything up from the chat that you want to go with?
[00:28:44] Um, well, I think that what you’re sharing is really important. And I think that. It’s really easy. I do this all the time. I assume that other people think like I do. It’s in, without other information, we tend to like paste our, our own feelings and needs on other people. And if we don’t start sharing more of those, Then, uh, people don’t ever realize that it’s not that way.
[00:29:10] So the person that’s chattering at us may be like, look at what a good job I’m doing. I’m sharing with people and people like to hear a lot of words. And this is like, look how well we’re bonding. They might be really in that like flow and they may feel really good to them to share a lot of words. And for someone who’s a little more introverted, that can feel very like, Whoa, I’m, I’m swept away.
[00:29:33] And I think when we can share. And this is not always appropriate, but when it’s someone we want to build a deeper relationship with, we can, if we can share, like, I really like that we’re connecting and I want to get to know you better and like some people shared in the chat, like asking for some quiet time together, requesting, could we have some time after dinner where we just sit together and we’re not talking, you know, and acknowledging that they’re not doing anything wrong.
[00:29:57] Even like, I get that you, you’re sharing some great information. I feel like. You care about our relationship, and I feel like I would feel even closer to you if we could have some more quiet time together, or I just feel overwhelmed if there’s too much talking for too long. So I think there’s ways. Karen was out of focus.
[00:30:18] I think there’s ways we can do, we can share it, that helps it land a little softer to the other person. If we can acknowledge that maybe, I think a lot of people are, when they hear criticism or a boundary, they think they did something wrong. And in some cases they may have overstepped a boundary, but, or maybe they didn’t know about it, but it’s like, oh, I was really, I’m really liking this, or I appreciate this about what we’re doing.
[00:30:42] Um, and, um, My way of doing this is maybe a little different than yours. It’s sharing information and appreciation at the same time can often make it, it doesn’t land so harshly. So if Rick just said, don’t buy those books, why are you stop it? I’d be like, Oh, I did a bad thing. Um, versus it’s like, I love that you bought the books.
[00:31:04] We read so many of them and they’re great. And there’s a stack everywhere. We need to back off a little bit. That makes me feel like, oh, I didn’t screw up. I now understand where he’s coming from. And I still bought two more books, but they’re very thin ones. Um, um, I do think it lands a little bit easier.
[00:31:26] Um, as we’re going through this, and it’s a challenging thing to do this. This is. As the therapist I work with sometimes, he calls it the work. Like this, it’s not getting better so that we can be done with it. This is the work. This is what we’re doing. Living life and interacting with humans. It’s sharing, knowing ourselves more and more as we get older and we clear traumas.
[00:31:51] I noticed some people are saying as they got older, they’re more aware of what their body needs. I don’t think that’s even age. I think that’s just wisdom and clearing traumas and Mindful living experience where we kind of get to know each other more or know ourselves more, but this process of, of noticing what we want and sharing with other people and saying, oh, I didn’t quite like that.
[00:32:16] I really liked this. Can we try to modify this? Oh, wait, I think we communicate differently. When I say I’m really hot, I’m saying I’m really hot and I want to change something. I’m not just telling you about the temperature and the other person might be like. Come on, you’re an adult. Just tell me what you want to do.
[00:32:33] You want to go back? You just, why didn’t you just say it? When we talk about these things in Claire, we’re building different muscles. We’re building different communications. We’re helping other people expand their awareness of what people can be. And this is just the work. This is not going to go away.
[00:32:49] We can get better at it. But as long as we’re interacting with humans in a savvy, connected way, this is just going to be it. Rick and I still talk about boundaries sometimes, um, like, Hey, this would feel good. Can we make, can we adjust this? I’d really love to spend some quality time with you. Do you have some time?
[00:33:08] Um, it just, this is it. This is, this is what is. So, avoiding it doesn’t get us out of doing our homework, so to speak. It just delays the. Building of muscles and the connection that we can have. And we do what we can to put, you know, if you have a lot of trauma or a lot that came from a family that was kind of toxic, it may take more time to get there, but the getting there, you know, the process of getting there is what, what life is about, in my opinion, it’s just like, this is it.
[00:33:39] And it can be really delicious. Once we see. For me, when I stop fighting it and saying, Oh, they should understand what I want. And if they really love me, they get it. Like that was something I was brought up with. Like, Oh no, I get to flex my muscles a little bit more. I have to like, Oh, can I turn into myself?
[00:33:57] What do I need? What do I need here? And that’s evolving through the day. Like there’s a emotion. I don’t need the same thing when I’m really tired and cranky as I need when I’m raring to go or whatever’s happening in my life. But just tuning in, noticing, and evaluating, which is always important, is it safe to share this space?
[00:34:20] How much truth of, how much of myself do I want to open up here? I can take baby steps with new people. And practicing that, like, oh, you don’t want to honor my boundary, well here are the options for me. I can not hang out with you or we can never go. Like, apparently when we go to the arcade, you’re going to swear a lot.
[00:34:38] I don’t like swearing. How about we don’t go to the arcade together? Cause you’re not willing to change that. Um, just different, you know, like we can negotiate as well.
[00:34:52] Um, someone asked if, if we don’t share our preferences, are we abandoning ourselves? There are people that would never be able to answer what Rick’s preferences are, but the people closest to me. In order for them to navigate my world. Um, I have a 10 year old. He’s extremely exuberant. What an amazing amount of life force that this human has.
[00:35:17] And, and part of the moving boundaries in motion is, Hey buddy, uh, my brain right now needs more quiet. Um, can you take that into the playroom or outside or, or switch gears here or that particular sound is something that right now is impacting my nervous system when I’m needing to, when I’m, when I’m cooking dinner.
[00:35:44] Uh, so that needs to change. Um, can you, can you come up with something else? My capacity to handle noise and everything is a boundary in motion. But the people in my world know I am, uh, sensitive to vibrational energy. Um, I, uh, it’s noise of any kind, um, can be something that I, I, I need to quiet down and I love to play and I love to play loud music sometimes.
[00:36:21] And sometimes when I play loud music, other people are saying that’s too loud, or I don’t want to listen to that or something like that. That’s if we look at it as as in a Wii space that there are boundaries that are moving where we are and how we are. How do I communicate that? Well, I can, I can communicate it by moving away.
[00:36:46] So if, if I’m sitting down watching a movie with someone, um, There are times when Doc McStuffins is great. Like, you know, uh, it just, it’s so much fun. I see Adira dancing and things like that. And there are times when I cannot be in the same room with it. So a graceful exit can be. Um, uh, dad, dad’s going to go work in the, in the playroom, you know, she’s watching on the big, big TV or, Hey, uh, do you want to watch this on my iPad with a headphones instead?
[00:37:24] Um, I’m offering options and I’m also being clear. Most of it is my boundary. If I’m watching a movie with someone mentioned watching a movie with their son, and they got up and left and it led to an argument. Now, um, part of savvy communication, I think is, as Kathy said, being clear, like, Oh, this movie was not right for me.
[00:37:56] I thought maybe it might be, but as I got into it or the one that my co my son chose is not ever something that is a movie energy that I like. I, I can’t stand, um, you know, Halloween seven types of movies and things like that. There’ll never be a yes for me. Um, And so if I walk out of the room, am I communicating my preference?
[00:38:20] Yes. Abandoning yourself would be, I’m going to sit here and I’m going to have nightmares for the next six months. And I’m going to have to spend 6, 000 on apping in order to overcome the things that I didn’t want to see. But I didn’t want to create a problem with my son. That really is. Um, uh, where the work is to get enough chi and clarity so that you can leave the room, the The layer of that is okay.
[00:38:51] And now we have an argument going on. Where’s the savvy communication for me? It’s like, Hey, I, I get that you’ve got some big feelings about this. I just want to be clear that movie would not have been good for me. It would have exposed me to energy that, um, would have, would have been impactful and just as you know, I don’t do this, this, and this, the movie fell into that category, but that doesn’t mean I want to, I don’t want to be next to you or be with you.
[00:39:20] I just took the quiet exit so that you could just enjoy the movie. Um, would you have preferred that? I said, Hey, this movie, can we pause for a minute? You know, can we pause the movie? Uh, this movie is not going to work for me. Do you want to come up with one that’s a yes, yes, or do you want to watch it?
[00:39:40] And I’ll go in the other room now that has, has, was never modeled in the first decades of my life, but I, I seek to model it now. That’s what we’re doing here. Is it advanced? I think it’s really humane, and, and, um, it’s weird, it’s awkward, it’s outside of the norm. But I like to joke that normal is the setting on the dryer.
[00:40:07] It’s, it’s not, uh, it’s not thriving. If we’re going to be thriving, we’re going to be not in the norm. The norm in the distribution has a lot of emotional distress, a lot of, um, fighting and controlling for energy and who gets to, who gets to hold the, the, the remote control and choose and whether it’s him or her or dad, or, you know, the, the, the scary, scary person in the family.
[00:40:40] Um, if we’re going to cultivate different types of relationships, it does mean like, Oh, Yeah, I wish it wasn’t angry. What can I communicate? Maybe it’s not, it’s not verbal. Part of savvy communication to me is to look at all the channels of communication, besides just two primitive brains banging into each other.
[00:41:04] That can be like, um, saying, Hey, if something’s happening that doesn’t work for me, I know that it works best for my nervous system to, to give a little bit of space. So when you see me leave, I am communicating that I can’t, I need to take some space. Um, you can write that, you can video record it. You can, um, you can choose other ways of communicating.
[00:41:33] Um, If you need that as well, Kathy. Yeah. And this is not, I loved what you shared and I agree. It’s not the norm. Like a lot of people haven’t been exposed to this. One thing I’ve taken to doing, I think it’s really savvy and. While people may not be able to grok it in the moment, I think it starts setting, some people don’t get it in the moment, but they can start, uh, opening doors is I tell people that I haven’t seen for a while.
[00:42:01] Hey, I know we have, we’ve had a way of a pattern or flow that we’ve had in the past. And I want to let you know that I’ve realized that I wasn’t communicating a lot of my stuff. And I was building resentments, and I value our friendship enough, our relationship or whatever it is, enough that I want to start speaking up for my needs.
[00:42:21] So, I just want to give you a heads up, that I might be speaking up to, about things, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong, it just means that I really want to have a clear, open relationship between us. Now, some people will get it right away. Like, Oh my God, that’s wonderful. I was always wondering if you were being quiet and just going along.
[00:42:41] Some people won’t, they’re still stuck in the, I’m having to muscle through. Why shouldn’t you sit through the movie? Like, why are you like giving into your feelings? It’s like, okay, you’re just not there yet. But it’s just like gentle rain. It’s like they’re being exposed to it. They might be resistant to it, but it does just being exposed to things kind of start softening it for some people.
[00:43:04] So, um, I think it can really help people to know there’s people are surprised when we make a sudden change. They don’t know what’s been going on in our lives or what. You know, we’re studying or learning about ourselves. And so I think if we can, if we feel safe enough with that person, just, just give them a heads up.
[00:43:24] And then all of a sudden, when you act that way, they might be startled, but they’re like, Oh yeah, they did tell me they were going to do something different. Um, or you can even refer back. Remember when I said that I wanted to do something different. I know we always go for Chinese, but I really prefer Thai food.
[00:43:40] Can we try Thai food today? Like you’re, you’re reminding them that there’s something different and they don’t, their survival brain doesn’t go, Oh my God, what happened? And it can kind of, that’s a, that’s a savvy communication that can kind of help people step into what you’re doing. It’s the right people step into what you’re doing easier.
[00:44:00] Someone shared, and this is a really key point. Um, for me, sometimes I end up coming out as more strident and harsh than ideal when trying to establish a boundary. An ongoing challenge, drawing a line with enough kindness and courtesy that it doesn’t feel mean, and I’m not rebuffing the other person. So, thank you.
[00:44:25] When, let’s go back to this bound, the whole skill here is boundaries in motion. A line is not in motion. There are lines that, when we, when we think, when I think of certain things that I will not tolerate, They’re very clear. So I’m really clear that, um, certain types of behavior are just not going to be acceptable to me.
[00:44:56] Um, uh, you don’t get to do things to my body that are non consensual. Ever. Uh, And I will, I’m very clear on that. I’ll communicate it. I’ve got some good assertive energy now that took healing to get to that place. But one of the things that we notice is that, um, when I work with a client and they get to a place where, Oh, I came out more strident and harsh than I, I really wanted to, we look at.
[00:45:31] I, I, I asked them to imagine if there were three signals prior to when you actually spoke up that your body gave you that, Hey, there’s something going on here. Now, sometimes things come out just suddenly and we’re triggered and it comes out harshly. I get that. We’re when we’re boundaries that are in motion and things that we want to like help establish an understanding.
[00:45:59] We call them boundaries, but they’re also agreements and understandings. Where, where did you first, first start getting the inkling? Like, Hmm, there, there’s something here. That’s not working for me. Um, And then there’s the, uh, this is, this is not something I really want to overlook, like, I wouldn’t tell a friend, just muscle through it, just tolerate it, right?
[00:46:32] This is, this is starting to get, like, and then there might be something where you start noticing that you’re, you’re self censoring. That’s where your primitive brain is saying, don’t say anything, don’t say anything, and then guess what? You’re self censoring. You get enough chi going, and it comes out. I don’t know about everybody else, but when I let it come out at that point, it has It has some, some fire, some edge, some, this is going, this, this is not okay.
[00:47:10] The graceful aspect of it is we, we start thinking about, um, well, how might I have said that? They, it might just be me, but there’s something. Something going on right now that I’m, I don’t feel really okay with. How about you? Whoa. They, um, yeah. Can we pause this movie? I’m, I’m noticing that I’m, I’m, I’m wanting to, to, to leave the room.
[00:47:45] Um, Hey, I really want to see you, but we have some things that have come up that we haven’t talked about. And I’m just not sure that, um, you know, I’m ready to go and, and sit in a restaurant. Um, when, when we’ve got some things that are more. More personal that are that I’d love to address with you because you matter to me.
[00:48:11] Notice that I can be more graceful, kind, um, courteous, all those things early on, earlier on in my body’s reaction. Now, what, what, what happens for me if I don’t actually do anything and it gets stronger? And maybe even a little stronger. This is where I’ll use tapping and do something like Kathy, would you echo for me?
[00:48:41] And we can try this. This is not okay with me. This is not okay with me. Eyebrow. I feel like I want to move. I feel like I want to move. I want to get away from this. This is not okay. I want to get away from this. This is not okay. Um, I want it to stop.
[00:49:08] I’m really clear that this is not okay with me. I’m really clear this is not okay with me. And I’d like to be clear and direct and maybe even kind. I’d like to be clear and direct and maybe even kind. I didn’t, I didn’t honor those early signals. I didn’t honor those early signals. I did not honor those early signals of mine.
[00:49:35] I did not honor those early signals of mine. And that’s okay. I’m calming myself right now. And it’s okay, I’m calming myself right now. Only to get my clarity about how to approach this. Only to get my clarity on how to approach this. And notice what I’m doing, I’m, I’m, and the words, use your own words. The idea here is, okay, um, I’m very clear now.
[00:50:02] There’s something here that is not okay with me, uh, or I perceive something that’s not okay. And I’m, I’m. I’m wanting to get my energy from being frozen so I can’t speak, or I’m scared of being abandoned. Like, if you’re scared of saying something because you’re afraid of abandonment, don’t say it. Uh, uh, in my world, um, let me, let me restate that.
[00:50:31] Um, I find that if I quiet the noise of abandonment fear, which is a primitive brain fear, I can be clearer about, yeah, the relationship is at risk. Or, yeah, they, they, they’re, they’ve proven or shown that they’re the type of person that leaves others, that abandons them, that, and I want to acknowledge that and get my own clarity.
[00:50:55] I’m trying to get out of, into my body and out of my primitive brain. Why? Because then I get to feel the grace of my own clarity. Whether the other person goes along if the measure of graceful exit or a savvy communication for me is it comes from a deeper, more sacred awareness of what matters to me.
[00:51:27] What isn’t working owning? You know, my own limits as a human being, my own preferences and what matters, and being able to choose mindfully, respectfully, how much of that I wish to share into the relationship. If I’m deeply clear, if I know there are, there are situations where it can be like this relationship has to end for my wellbeing, it is depleting me.
[00:52:04] It could be that you’re really clear. Your communication to them is something a bit different. That’s attuned to what feels graceful and right to you. I am not someone that says you need to always show every aspect of your honoring that there are people who coach and have found that for them. Radical honesty is the way I.
[00:52:34] Love it when someone is able to hold a radically honest space with me. And I also acknowledge that there are some people that if I was radically honest with them, it might very clearly harm them for me to point to the very specifically the ways that we’re not compatible.
[00:53:03] It may be dangerous for me. Um, and I’m, I’m pretty big dude with a lot of resilience. There are, there are people that, um, you just know you’re, you’re like, this is, this is a dangerous person. If your primitive brain is saying that, um, giving them the full, honest, naked truth may not be what ever feels right.
[00:53:29] Um, and if you have people in your life, uh, A dear friend, kin, coach, um, anyone, your own spirit buddies, that you can say, this is my clarity, I know I need an exit, this is what matters to me, this is how this no longer serves that, and I can articulate it into that space. What you communicate to mom, dad, grandma, um, maybe, maybe different.
[00:54:06] I want to acknowledge that Sav, the savvy part of communication honors that, um,
[00:54:16] You can feel the guidance of your sacred, um, omitting. I know that’s a weird thing, you know, like we don’t always share with, uh, people that can’t handle it, that which they have shown themselves over and over again to not be able to handle. Unless we’re really at a place where the graceful exit is in order for me to feel grace inside of myself.
[00:54:50] I’m going to share this, understanding that that’s, that’s what is my, my sharing as, as we depart, or as I leave, or as I, I call the question of whether you’re going to accept who I, who I am at a deeper level, or you’re going to reject me. Um, it’s a big deal. I’m trying. Yeah, having a fear of abandonment can be really limiting around this.
[00:55:17] I, um, want to just add just if you’re, if you feel like you’re coming out a little bit rougher than you meant to, one, we’re always awkward when we’re doing something new. You might come off too soft, hint and hope, thinking you’re being direct. You might be too, like, just like Adira probably ties knots in her shoes as she’s learning to tie her shoes.
[00:55:37] I’ve just learned to say, you know what, I’m really sorry that came out much harsher than I meant it to. Just owning it, because if I’m modeling to someone else, they don’t have to do it perfect either. I’m just letting them know where I come from when they feel safe enough to. Um, and in terms of the fear of abandonment, I have lots of that.
[00:55:58] And one of the best things I ever did is I met some other people through the circle and we had Friday night date nights. We’d get together. Every Friday night and the five of us would practice with each other. And if we were afraid of people saying no to us, we just go around the circle, practice tapping and sharing ideas and practice saying no to each other, setting boundaries.
[00:56:19] It was beautiful. It was really healing. So, um, I encourage you if you find people here that you feel drawn to, you’d like what they’re sharing or whatever. Say, Hey, can we just chat a bit like, you know, can we have a five minute practice where we say, you say no to me and I say no to you and we both are okay.
[00:56:38] And my survival brain will be so happy or can we, can we, I mean, we were so awkward when I was first learning to tap. We’re like, you go first, you go first. But it was so powerful. I’d like to take our, um, our seven minute break if that works for you. Okay. And then I have something we’d like to tap on when we come back around obligation.
[00:56:57] Absolutely. So we’re going to take a break. If you’re watching the replay, we invite you to take a break to get up. Move your energy a bit, and, um, we will be back in 7 minutes. We’re going to pause the recording. Welcome back. Yeah. All right. So one of the, somebody asked about, um, doing some tapping, um, on obligations.
[00:57:23] Um, I think, and there’s also some tapping we could definitely do on the other person’s reaction. So, um, welcome back, and it’s okay, if it’s okay, let’s dive into that. Is that okay with you, Rick? Alright, so, just, I think, I can think, I can imagine most people here have someone they feel kind of obligated to.
[00:57:43] It could be a younger sibling, an older sibling, a parent, a friend, someone who’s like a boss that went out of his way for you or whatever. So, just. See if you can tune into that energy because this works. Tapping works better when we’re like connecting with our body and the feelings about it. Karate chop.
[00:58:02] Even though I feel this sense of obligation. Even though I feel this sense of obligation. And I was trained to think that. And I was trained to think that. That overrides everything I want. That overrides everything I want. If I’m obligated, I should sacrifice everything for that other person. If I’m obligated, I should sacrifice everything for that other person.
[00:58:26] Isn’t that right? Isn’t that right? Top of the head, that seems pretty tough. That seems really tough. Eyebrow, I have to give up myself if other people did nice things for me. I have to give up myself and my freedom if other people do things for me. Side of the eye, or if we’re related to each other? Or if we’re related to each other.
[00:58:50] Under the eye, that doesn’t seem like emotional freedom. That does not seem like emotional freedom. Under the nose, what if I can feel obligated? What if I can feel obligated? Chin, and still take care of me? And still take care of me. Collarbone, that’s a little trickier. That is a little trickier. Under the arm, but I bet I could learn.
[00:59:16] But I bet I could learn. Top of head, what if I could be obligated and still have room for me? What if I could be obligated and still have room for me? And just take a deep breath and see what’s coming up for you because this is a very complicated issue for our survival brain. When we feel up, we have something in our survival brain, if someone does something for us or we’re taught that person is someone we must take care of, our survival brain wants to just take care of that person.
[00:59:48] Because in society, that helps us survive. It helps us get here. We, the genes that like to support other people and honor our commitments, they got us here. The ones that didn’t, society kind of more pushed to the side. So there is a need for that, but I don’t think many of us are modeled yes, and. I can, like, if I made a convict, did something really big for me and I committed to doing something and I had a big need, we have a relationship where I can say, honey, I know I promised to watch the kids and you would have a big date night, but I’m really not feeling well.
[01:00:25] Or I’m like, you know, something really I work thing came up and I might be fired. Like I would, I wouldn’t just blow him off. Cause I felt like it. But because I gave my word, but if it’s, if it’s something that’s important, I could say, Hey, I still have my needs too. And I’m sorry that it’s not, you know, let’s, let’s find a compromise or something else, or let me do it another time.
[01:00:45] Does that make sense? It does. And you speak to, um, obligation is a survival energy and it worked and Part of what we’re doing is layering on what are the skills and attitudes and approaches for thriving. Surviving and thriving. We have to survive in order to have an opportunity to, to thrive. But you could say I am obligated to my daughter.
[01:01:14] Um, it’s true for her survival. I am. You know, I’m really an important, crucial part of her world. Um, especially if it’s just her and I, and the upgrade is to, is to say yes. And okay, it could be obligation, but there’s also, there’s a devotion. For me, a devotion is a sacred attitude. I am devoted to her wellbeing.
[01:01:45] Notice it lands differently. Like for me, obligation is a very different kind of force. I’m being forced forward. Um, uh, I’m obligated to change her diaper. That’ll give me the energy to Get up off the couch and do it. But like, if I’m devoted to the wellbeing of her skin and other things, that also could give, gives me the energy, but it’s a different tone.
[01:02:14] I tend not to like obligation for that reason. If someone’s doing something because they feel obligated, they’re kind of like, they’re, they’re not at will. And then the energy is like, ah, look, you pooped your pants again. Like what if I was changing someone’s kid’s diaper? Like, oh my God, look at this mess.
[01:02:32] I was raised, when my parents were really overwhelmed, it was often like, Oh my god, you need help again? And I grew up afraid to ask for help. Versus if that sense of devotion were, Honey, I love you, but I don’t have time to help you play color right now. You can color by yourself, or I’ll color with you a little later.
[01:02:52] I’m going to take care of my needs too. One, I’m the, the energy is very different and loving. And two, I’m modeling for those other people. They get to have boundaries. So if we’re never modeling those boundaries to the people we love, there’s kind of a, like we’re passing this. Here’s this obligation.
[01:03:10] You’re going to have one too. You’re going to have to, you’ll be obliged to whoever else too. So I really do think that it’s a challenging thing to unwind, but I really love what Rick said about like, can I, can I do this because I care about the person and still also take, I want to take care of me. So there’s not that resentment there.
[01:03:29] That’s right. Yeah. And the other thing that someone was, Oh, good. I’d just like to comment on. Someone mentioned that, you know, um, left second year of college feeling obligated to run the family business for 18 years. I never thought I could have done school and the business. So much resentment. I had no idea there was an option.
[01:03:48] Pausing there, you know, I, what we’re doing here today, it’s like in 1918, there wasn’t the internet. It wasn’t an option. And the work that we’ve been doing, a lot of us, many millions of people, around emotional freedom and thriving, moving from an attitude of scarcity and surviving to abundance and options and co creativity and mutuality that isn’t, um, required.
[01:04:24] And the energy of that, um, this is a technology upgrade and we’re still in the middle of it. Okay. We’re, we’re, we’re still crafting the language, the savvy communication. We’re still crafting our relationships. And some people it’s just like, there are still people that could have access to the internet.
[01:04:44] They don’t. Okay. Um, not everyone embraces what we’re doing together here on Zoom. It’s like, and that’s okay. The same thing’s going to apply around obligation. I remember one client who bounced off of me pretty quickly. They felt very victimized by having to take care of their mother. Um, it was a really big deal.
[01:05:10] Um, this was a long, long time ago. I didn’t have the same skillset I do now early on in my tapping career. And I, I was drawn to ask, well, you have two kids. Do you want them to feel free? To not take care of you if the situation was reversed. And she said, no, they’re, they are required to take care of me. I said, okay, situation here.
[01:05:36] Like, I don’t know how freedom fits into this. And that was our last session. Um, it is to loosen up and kind of move into emotional freedom and build a thriving life. Uh, it does mean saying, Hey, I’m, I. Obligation. Um, I’m sort of, that’s toxic for me. Uh, I don’t want to act, uh, very often or even ever around obligation.
[01:06:05] And we, we need to loosen up the obligation that we might be holding other people to, too. That’s the mutuality, the co creating it. That can be really hard. I remember tapping on, yeah, my adult kids are not required to be at my bedside. Uh, they are not required to change their life or do any of that. And I hope that I’m going to be the kind of person that they’ll want to, if that’s their yes, um, that they’ll care deeply enough.
[01:06:35] But I won’t know. They’re not obligated. They’re not obligated to drop everything, um, to do that. And there’s still like my primitive brain goes, really? You’re going to let go of that. Like, but what if you end up on the street homeless? Don’t you want somebody to be obligated to take you in? Actually? No, I don’t.
[01:06:56] Um, uh, it’s actually better for me to not obligate people because it activates the sense of me being a co creator of. A mutually beneficial, um, ecosystem of people that love me, that I love them. We’re of service to each other to the extent that is our yes. And we have big, big yeses. And this is the other thing.
[01:07:22] If you let go of obligation as your driving force, you notice you have a really big yes, and then you have some things where some savvy communication can be like, yeah, this is a yes for me, and that’s a yes for me, and that’s a yes for me, and that’s not a yes for me. I just want to be clear about that.
[01:07:41] One of the
[01:07:47] things I’ve noticed is obligation seems to me generally to have a lot of expectations in very rigid roles. Like I, we’re passing it down generally, it must look like this. You must quit college and come home and run the business. You must defer to me in all things. You must be there for your sister no matter what happens.
[01:08:04] Versus, I think freedom is like, Hey, this is what I want. This seems to be what you want. Can we find a place that, you know, what are the options here? Can we brainstorm here? Um, and I think that’s just really powerful when we start doing it. I also would love to do just a little tapping because when we start setting some boundaries that people can be really resentful, especially if they had the obligation mindset, like you.
[01:08:31] Like, this is how it is, I want it to look like this, and you’ve been complying. I often did that, it was just easier to like, go along with them because they had very fixed rules of how it should be. And their surprise, or upset, or frustration, or anger about it was really hard for me to deal with. And I, there’s a little bit of a jiu jitsu move you can do when you, if you can tell them ahead of time that I’ve noticed that I would like to take our relationship deeper.
[01:08:58] I’d like to be closer to you. And I’ve been noticing a little bit of resentment that I, it’s my fault. I wasn’t speaking up about things, but I don’t want this to hurt our relationship. So I’m going to start speaking up about my needs more and I’d love your support on this. It’s a lot harder for them to be an asshole about it if you’ve told them you want to do it to strengthen the relationship.
[01:09:19] You’re owning that you didn’t speak up in the past and it’s not their fault but you’d like their help. If they start being an asshole about it, it’s a lot harder to, it’s a lot easier to stand up for them because they’re being an asshole. It’s like, oh, you want what you want and even if it’s not good for me, well then I can tell you know a lot easier.
[01:09:36] So, um, but it’s hard for many of us to face that disappointment. So let’s just do a little tapping on that, if that’s okay. Even though they might be, even though they might be disappointed, they might pretend to be a victim. They might even really feel like they’re the victim here and have all kinds of hurt feelings.
[01:09:58] I have all kinds of hurt feelings. Sometimes growth is a little painful. Sometimes growth is a little painful. And this is a way for us to grow in our relationship. And this is a way for us to grow in our relationship. Top of that, if we stay stagnant, they won’t be disappointed. If we stay stagnant, they won’t be disappointed.
[01:10:20] I know, but I’ll suffocate. But I’ll suffocate. Sarvia, I can be gentle about it at first. I can be gentle about it at first. Under the eye, I can even offer them comfort if it’s a yes for me. I can even offer them comfort if it’s a yes for me. Under the nose, and they can get a coach if they need help. And they can get a coach if they need help.
[01:10:41] Chin, I can give them some context for what’s happening. I can give them some context for what’s happening for me. Collarbone, but their feelings are their responsibility. But their feelings are their responsibility. It’s their job to manage them. It’s their job to manage them. Top of the head, and they will never grow if they don’t start.
[01:11:08] And they’ll never grow if they don’t start. So just take a breath. I tend to take all of this on me when someone’s upset. It must be me first. I don’t think it’s wrong to look and say, Hey, did I do something that was inconsiderate or whatever? But I’ve learned this thing. I go, not me. Not it about some things, not my responsibility.
[01:11:29] That person’s upset because they had expectations. They’re their expectations. I, you know, to the best of my ability, let them know things were changing their, their expectations and the flow that used to be life changes. And just like I’ve been doing more, not it. It doesn’t mean I have to be callous or cold, but it does mean that I don’t have to take the whole burden for their feelings.
[01:11:54] It’s like, they will not grow if they don’t start facing that their expectations and their, their path that they’re looking at is not real. We’re all pretending. They’re pretending that they’re always going to get what they want, and you love doing it. You’re pretending to love to do it. That’s not a real relationship.
[01:12:10] That’s a plastic relationship. And it’s going, it’s not going to be nearly as fulfilling and beautiful as one where it’s like, Oh, you’re a little disappointed. I’m sorry that you’re feeling disappointed. And I hope you get to do, I hope you deal with that pretty well. And, um, I’m going to do what I, what, you know, we’re going to find some new ways to do this.
[01:12:29] So I just invite that to, uh, not it as a game. People use someone’s, what does it mean? Not it. It’s a game where if you were like going to do duck, duck goose or one of the games kids play, and you didn’t want to be the one like that was going to seek or go to do a chore or whatever, you’d say, not it. And then the other person would have to do it instead.
[01:12:49] It’s a silly game, but it helps me break the cycle of must jump in and fix it. So something like dad said, would you like to, who’s going to take out the trash? Whoever said not at first, didn’t have to do it. Uh huh. Okay, long time, long time since I remember that one, um, I want to in one of the newsletters announcing the workshop I talked about freeing up space and I want to, I want to acknowledge people have pointed to some relationships, and I did mention that if you let go of an obligation.
[01:13:25] Now you can recalibrate if you communicate to somebody that. Hey, I know that I did, I’ve done my best to meet this particular need for you. Um, and now I, I know, I know that I need to put my energy in a different direction. So I want to give you that information that I’m not going to be there for you in that way.
[01:13:52] Now that is a clear exit. From a dynamic. Okay. Like I know that I’ve, I’ve done your tech support for you. And, and, you know, when things have gone wrong with your computer, you’ve called me and I just need to let you know that I’m putting my energy toward this now, and I’m not going to be available to do that.
[01:14:13] Um, that’s an example. One of the things that I feel really alive is a desire for people to build, to build a thriving life for them and those that want to dance and play and move with them. And in that, both with people that are, Um, really close to us, there’s going to be recalibrations, whether you call it a moving boundary or a moving, like how much resource or sir, acts of service and other things that, that we’re willing to do.
[01:14:51] That feels like a yes, but if there’s something that you want to build right now, but you don’t feel like you have any time or life force energy to do. I will say that as a coach. Freeing up some energy is an essential part of that. And to free up energy, we often will need to exit. It may be exiting a relationship that we have with Netflix, or redefining it.
[01:15:22] Hey Netflix, love you, you’ve really kept me company, and now my energy wants to go toward building that. I don’t think Netflix is going to be particularly upset. They may make it hard to cancel, or Whatever, but, um, that’s different than saying, Hey, I know I’ve been making lunches for you to take to work every day.
[01:15:41] Um, and you know, I, I know my body needs to go to the gym. And so I, I want to work out a transition strategy here so that you can make, I’ve, your nourishment matters to me. And I’m, I’m going to be using that time in the morning, um, to do some workout to restrengthen my body. Um, so that I have the energy or, um, yeah, I, I’ve, there’s this, uh, nonprofit that, you know, at the time you got started with it, it was a big deal.
[01:16:16] You’re on the board maybe. And you’re like, you know, this is not speaking to my soul anymore. Making a graceful exit using the tools that we’ve talked about, communicating, um, What mattered to you, what you see and you want to continue for them and your own, like, this is where my energy needs to go. Um, people, you can leave big gaps.
[01:16:41] We tend to attract Kathy and I really competent, generous and capable people. And when you withdraw your energy from any situation or any relationship, there’s a gap. People are going to have feelings about that most likely. Um, and I’m grateful for those that can hear a deeper message and get it. Someone said, you know, I did the right thing and people started feeling like a victim.
[01:17:09] I want, um, for my brain, I did the right thing. That means I kind of have to defend it. And if they’re like, Rather than. I did the clear thing for me. I’m really clear about what matters to me and where my life force and my precious life, life energy and my time and my creativity and my co creativity and, um, I know where that is heading, or at least that I know that this is depleting me and I’m going to recalibrate here in order to be able to put my energy there.
[01:17:48] It’s right for you. It’s clear for you. Whether anyone else, anyone else thinks that you did the right thing. Um, I, I can point to so many things, including being here with you all. Um, that 25 years ago, I had a lot of people in my life that thought it was. Insane for me to say, yes, I’m going to transition out of my role as a chief technology officer, um, in order.
[01:18:23] I’m going to, I’m going to develop the skill of emotional freedom and coaching and connection and do that. That’s where I’m headed. And there was a two, two and a half year transition. And there was. Some wailing and gnashing of teeth. There was a lot of rolling the eyes and like, what a, what an idiotic thing to do.
[01:18:47] I wouldn’t be thriving if I had, uh, had not set boundary that was moving. I started saying no to more things, more things, and, and with a clarity. And so I, I, and my, my inbox is open support at, uh, thriving now. com. Um, goes to both Kathy and I Rick at thriving now. com comes to me, uh, if you want to be building something that matters to you, um, someone asked if you can describe a moving boundary again, um, a moving boundary.
[01:19:29] To me says that as I take steps, as my, as my children grow older and more capable, as my relationship with my partner goes deeper and deeper, as my work in the world evolves and changes, I suspect that for all of us with the changes that could happen in the next. Seven years just with AI, not even anything else.
[01:19:57] Um, that are our world may change and our boundaries about what works for me and what doesn’t, where do I want to put my energy? They can, they can shift over time. Over decades, over days, um, I know people that, uh, the seasons make a big difference. Like, they just, they, they, their boundaries move and change.
[01:20:26] It says, I, I want to get out of the paradigm that boundaries are only about what I need in order to protect myself and to keep from being taken advantage of. Um, moving boundaries are like, where do we meet? How do we meet? How do we mesh? Ooh, what’s the right distance and right depth? What’s the dance that, that feels good to us?
[01:20:47] Oh, that dance is over. Oh, you like a different music now than I did. Oh, you like a different way of relating than I used to, uh, than I did. And now I don’t, and I’ve changed. Um, Oh, we always used to go drinking on Friday night. Now I am sober, you know, and things are going to change. Like I have people making those decisions, um, in my world and I, I love that.
[01:21:14] So instead of a brick wall that can’t move, it’s like, Oh, it’s moving with what is in what you’re feeling and you’re allowed to change your mind. And, um, So there’s days I don’t, I don’t love country Western music some days, but there are certain days where it just feels right. So it, you get, you get to be who you are in the moment, which is being alive versus having a rigid set of obligations and things you are like, I will only eat this kind of food.
[01:21:39] Like. What do you feel like now? What is your boundary now? It’s completely valid. Thank you, Kathy. You want to bring us to a close? Yeah, thank you all for being here. This is such an important topic. You can keep playing with it. There’s lots of different ways we can have a graceful exit. Rick talked about how safe you feel.
[01:22:00] I just want to add when I teach, I run cuddle parties and when people, there’s people that have a lot of trauma and we don’t know what will trigger us. If you feel like you can’t, like we tell people, if someone doesn’t answer, take that as a no. But our general society doesn’t know that. If you can’t say no in the moment, make an excuse and try to say no later.
[01:22:23] You wanna the most thing, the biggest thing is the more you can tune into yourself and practice this, the better. When you feel, but you don’t sort of want to re traumatize yourself. So if you need to, we tell people, if someone asks you to do something and you can’t get the words out, say, Oh, I have to use the restroom or I have to get something to drink or I have to go talk to that person or like, just, we have them raise their hand when we’re here to support them, do the best you can and keep building on this because the more you can, you’re going to, like I said earlier, this is the work, this is the, this is the foundation blood of relationships.
[01:22:59] And as you keep building these muscles and determining when it’s safe and when it’s not, you’re really going to add a lot of vitality to your life. So I really appreciate the work you’re doing here. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Onwards. Thank you. And, um, we’ll hope to see you next workshop too. Yeah. Bye.
[01:23:20] Bye everyone.
[01:23:21]
Replay is below
