Real Skills Workshop - Community Event
Afraid of My Own Power
Real Skills Workshop: Be Calm and Confident
Host: Rick Wilkes (@Rick) – Cathy was unable to co-host this workshop
Recorded Sun Sep 25
Replay is below
Great topic! Thank you!
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What does “my own power” mean to you?
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“my own power” = the ability to make and act on my own choices
also, = the impact my choices and actions have on me and on others
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If you were to guess, how much of the impact concern is about what happens to you… and how much of it about the Others?
For me it’s 20/80. I’m pretty good about powerful choices supporting my thriving. The influence on others is where it can feel, uh, icky. Workin’ on it!
Rick
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Sorry for the late reply, Rick. Replying to your question required some actual thinking . . .
I agree with you, about 20% me and 80% about how significant Others react, which in turn comes back to haunt me. I don’t mind my own errors of judgment nearly as much when they are private concerns. However, losing face publicly and facing disapproval are real and ongoing issues.
On biting off more than I can chew: I once did a program of exercise that involved serious deep breathing. It was initially profoundly blissful, but then I realized I had so much energy, I didn’t know what to do with it, so I immediately stopped. It was just too frightening to feel that physically powerful/energetic. I had a similar epiphany with weight loss/body size. I disliked being objectified—it felt so alien and strange to have eyes on me that saw something that I could not relate to at all (the boyfriend who told me I was hot, for instance—I had no idea what he meant—I had been washing the dishes!). I have these great ideas that a course of action will do XYZ for me, but it often turns out that there are side effects I hadn’t reckoned on. That’s creepy enough, but it can at least be internally controlled, more or less.
For me, the issues with personal power and Others have more to do with the status quo and with what was Forbidden in my family. I would have had a very different life if I hadn’t always been hyper-aware of how saying or doing something Forbidden was going to land me in trouble. It became so internalized I often didn’t know I was acting from that position. Time and experience has changed a lot of that, but I still find pockets of the Forbidden floating around, much of it completely useless. When I think “why did(n’t) I do that?”, as often as not, I locate it in my internal Forbidden folder.
The last thing is that I have learned through hard experience that I am quite often wrong about things: my assumptions, my (incomplete) knowledge of whatever territory I am entering, my particular desires, my comfort areas, etc., are often somewhat-to-completely wrong or inappropriate for what is actually needed in given situations, especially with regard to others. So I often wait and watch, to see how it comes out. Since I mostly, or at least often, don’t much care how things work out except in a general sense, I live fairly comfortably with what would have in previous decades been a source of enormous anxiety (before) and shame (after). But that is an older person’s point of view, not someone with a toddler and an active career, so perhaps not so useful.
This is a complicated topic with lots of juice, in any direction you choose to take it. I hope you enjoy the process, I don’t think you can go wrong on this one.
And PS, the Delayed Gratification session was excellent, very interesting and with a few new ideas for me to assimilate. I will hear it again for sure.
xxoo
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So much of what you describe is what I’ve felt as the conundrum of not having a me-space or we-space that can “hold” the energy we have.
It’s non-trivial! Vibrant aliveness for example inside a small container can radiate out to others who, perhaps, need more energetic quiet in order to self-regulate. I certainly don’t want my kids to suppress themselves, while at the same time them just “letting loose” with all their vitality inside or late in the evening isn’t consensual for Da-Da.
How do we co-create spaces where different flavors of our vitality (and our powerful depth) can find safe and consensual and mutually beneficial expression?!?!
I do believe awareness is one key. Yes, awareness on our part that “this doesn’t feel okay here with these people at this moment in this space.” That part at least SOME kids figure out. Others get punished or judged with disapproval until they “get it” (or leave home).
At the new school The Boy is going to, one of the Agreements is about high energy play being OUTSIDE. They made a sound-isolating (although not perfect) room for the drum set and piano – and one on the other side for reading quietly (they even have noise canceling headsets to help).
Even developing the skill of being with energy directed at us without it flooding our system, so we can feel more free to Be Ourselves in a world where there are both mosquitos and creeps.
THANK YOU for expressing all this. It feels so pertinent to the real skill of power management as an individual and as a community.
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I just want to acknowledge that what you’re saying here packs a punch—the need for a space within which to hold the energies we feel, a place to express, to “put” them. Yes, very important. And then awareness of the differences in everyone’s energy needs, then different kinds of thoughtful creativity about how to approach meeting needs, both physically and emotionally. It’s sort of like a map, hmm?
Mosquitos and Creeps! Sounds like a book title! 
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I do believe that spaces are not entirely “general purpose.” Even the most “multipurpose” spaces (or community centers like this one) have energetic tunings.
Hard to get a suntan in the middle of a dense forest. Hard to keep from burning in the desert sun. Even within my home there are spots where I can work/focus in certain ways and other places where that is much much harder. Energetically… and how they’re tuned. Same with people, eh?
Mapping out our emotional world is a useful skill, I’d say.
Rick
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I just realized that I was so afraid of my power which I don’t think I even realized I had that I gave it away!
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Afraid of Power (Over)…
It makes sense to be afraid of them. You know… the people with power over us. Bosses. Officers. Bullies. Property Owners Associations…
My monkey mind is quick to assess whether a person is wielding power in a way that is a threat to me. Do I have to keep this person happy? If they decide to get violent or punishing, am I going to end up damaged… or even destroyed?
So as we explore being afraid of our own power, we have to take into account the reality that our ancestors HAD to be aware of those with power OVER them… or else. They navigated power dynamics successfully enough that we were given this chance at life!
But we also probably end up with quite a bit of primal fear around power that, if we don’t develop awareness and skill around, will STOP US FROM THRIVING.
Why? Because there are people in the world that relish power over others. The Status Game for them is the only one that matters. Integrity? Honesty? Safety? Respect? Yougottabekidding.
Much of the survival wisdom passed down to us concerns not sticking our head up to high, not making waves, not drawing attention to ourselves. WHY?!? Because in the status game, if you do that you will be challenged by those both above and below you on the pyramid.
Unless you are ready and wanting that challenge (battle?), we learn not to shine, not to stand out. We even learn not to be ourselves.
I want to be thriving. I want you to be thriving! I want to use whatever powers and gifts and resources I have to co-create realms where no dead presidents or living kings and queens are on the money. Where Power WITH is the practice and the one that is rewarded with opportunities and energy and support.
But to do that??? Yeah, we’ll need to accept that the “power over” exists in the world – just like bears and snakes and viruses do. We can’t “ignore” hierarchy… yet we can most definitely co-create we-spaces where “power with” is core.
Is this something your heart yearns for, too? If so, do join us for our next Real Skills workshop:
P.S. Our Circle Membership - now available for
a one-time payment on a gliding scale.
Circle Members get all Real Skills Workshops (and much more)!
This gliding-scale based EFT Tapping and Coaching session is 90 minutes long. Cathy and I will be facilitating as we explore and tap together on our past experiences (traumas?) about power, and why respectful people often suppress their power – at least until they have a new way of expressing it with safety, respect, and freedom!
We hope you’ll join us!
Rick & Cathy
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule Private, Gliding Scale Coaching Sessions Here
P.S. Adira says, “Hmmm, my own power is not quite sufficient to move this the way I most want. Anyone willing to add their power to mine and Work It?”
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What STOPS you from Shining?
Shining can be scary. It means we’re visible. It means people put their attention on us. Even if the energy is positive and supportive, that energy flowing to us can be… uncomfortable!
But we can’t count on people’s attention to always be positive and welcome, can we?
When I was shining in elementary school, I got bullied and called names. Even the teachers didn’t feel comfortable with my quirky and brilliant nature.
Anything like that happen to you at school? At HOME? With peers? At work recently? In a relationship?
Don’t get me started with social media. Some of the most amazing people I know have to wade through utter crap in the replies they get from a small but vocal group of unkind emotional dysfunctionals.
What’s a person to do?
Hiding is an option. So is keeping your light under a bushel, so to speak.
But then all of US (those that want to experience YOUR brilliance) are deprived of your heartistry! That’s tragic.
I’ve been blessed to witness how when we stop suppressing and being afraid of our power, beautiful experiences and connections arise and are nourished.
That doesn’t have to mean being a social media “influencer” or “best selling author.” We each get to decide what the sweet spot is for depth of engagement, intimacy, safety, and respect.
We also are able, through technology, to filter OUT and invite IN. Like what we’re doing at the Thriving Now Community Center. We hold that space with high standards for safety, respect, and freedom. That effort gives us a space to shine… and know that our power with each other makes a difference.
Is shining something your heart craves, too? If so, do join us for our next Real Skills workshop this coming Sunday, Sept 25th:
P.S. Our Circle Membership - now available for
a one-time payment on a gliding scale.
Circle Members get all Real Skills Workshops (and much more)!
This gliding-scale based EFT Tapping and Coaching session is 90 minutes long. Cathy and I will be facilitating as we explore and tap together on our past experiences (traumas?) about power, and explore ways we can shine with safety, respect, and freedom!
We hope you’ll join us!
Rick & Cathy
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule Private, Gliding Scale Coaching Sessions Here
P.S. Adira says, “Oh yeah, I rock my shine, for sure. Want to join me? The orange and blue rockers are available.”
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Your Power Matters – in the “right” context…
I want you to live with profound Emotional Freedom. I want that for myself, too. For ALL.
That said, if your super emotional gift is to be able to belt out a song that makes people laugh and smile and cheer… I don’t want you doing that at 4am when I am trying to sleep. Make sense?
Last night I wanted to hear LOUD piano music I was improvising. But at 10pm the family is asleep. They do not want my powerful expression inflicting on their sleep. Right?
So I put on headphones and created a space where the power in my heart could shine without intruding on the sleepy-space of others.
I believe these dynamics are at the core of many people being Afraid of Their Power.
If you never have space to play, to be free, to express your passion and enthusiasms… you don’t exercise them.
Worse, if your power (especially your emotional power) was ridiculed, punished, or made painful… the power turns within (often leading to dis-ease and distress long term).
If we’re going to be expressive, I believe we’ll want to:
a) Accept that our power is not welcome in all we-spaces and by all people at all times.
b) If we don’t get to express an emotion or creative energy as often as we want (or ever), it’s up to us to find a place we can or co-create a space with others who want such a space for themselves, too!
This takes accepting-the-unwanted skill, letting go of feeling afraid of our power, and confidently taking inspired action to express our power within contexts that support it.
Do you want to let go of the fearful experiences and express your power with calm confidence? If so, do join us for our next Real Skills workshop:
P.S. Our Circle Membership - now available for
a one-time payment on a gliding scale.
Circle Members get all Real Skills Workshops (and much more)!
This gliding-scale based EFT Tapping and Coaching session is 90 minutes long. Cathy and I will be facilitating as we explore and tap together on our past experiences (traumas?) about power, and explore ways we can shine with safety, respect, and freedom!
We hope you’ll join us!
Rick & Cathy
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule Private, Gliding Scale Coaching Sessions Here
P.S. Adira says, “Yes, you can climb UP the slide when conditions are right (and a helping hand is sweet to have, too).”
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Afraid of My Own Power – Session Recording
Cathy was unable to co-host - was feeling under the weather
We welcome your insights, ah-ha’s, and sharing. Please! Click [Reply]
Click for Computer Generated Transcript
Afraid of My Own Power
[00:00:00] Afraid of your own power? Hmm. I remember when, um, I was really needing a change in perspective for myself and I needed to, um,
[00:00:20] I needed to regain my, my sense of my own power. I read a book by Tony Robbins, awakened the giant within, and it had a very particular spin on personal power. And, uh, he even had a series of interviews around personal power and it was really helpful for me. Um, What I will say is in the intervening 30 years.
[00:00:44] Um, since I read that book, I’ve come to become a lot more trauma informed. For example, um, you can encourage someone to express their power, but if the only way that they’ve experienced power is power over them and abuse that has come with powerful emotions like anger, rage, um, it’s Hmm. Can even be unhelpful to tell people, well, you just need to get past your fear and express your power because it doesn’t honor the journey and where they are.
[00:01:31] And so one of the reasons. We do these real skills workshops and we use emotional tools. And, and what we’ve learned about trauma is so that the urge, the urge to be able to express what matters to you with OPH, with energy, with power, um, gets encouragement and opportunity, and also recognition that it’s not, that you’ve just been self sabotaging.
[00:02:04] It’s not that you’ve just been standing in your own way that you just haven’t stood on the chair with Tony and go. Now I am the voice I will lead, not follow. Now. Those are the first two lines. I still remember them. I, I actually know the rest of it too. Um, but you know, that implies that there’s a leader and a follower.
[00:02:29] And one of the things that we do with thriving now is it’s my deepest intention is that, although I’m the facilitator, although I am the facilitator, I use my energy, my resource, my power to, um, intentionally create a space. That is what I want and what I share and what I invite others to. Um, I leader is not the model for me, you know, Kathy and I were talking about how, um, you know, if, if you wanna do something that’s deeply personal and, um, That I’m just gonna do it, just do it.
[00:03:13] Like if you, if you want to be able to run or climb or do something that really doesn’t co-create with anyone else, there’s not a whole lot of permission involved, uh, or needed. Um, there’s a, there’s a certain avenue that we go through emotionally. There may be beliefs that you have about like, oh, I can’t do this.
[00:03:32] Who am I to, to write a song, for example, you know? Um, but then for those of us who want to co-create where we are not only aware of the ecosystem we share with others, but we want to be mindful of it. And I shared that in the newsletter article this morning about context.
[00:04:02] Want to, and I do sit down at my new keyboard with the weighted keys and I let myself my, my own personal power express itself through my body, my heart to hands. You know, when I’m, when I really get into it, it doesn’t necessarily sound like anything that you would go to a concert to hear . But it’s me expressing my power if in my, um, demand for my freedom to express my power.
[00:04:46] I ignore, um, my kids and family sleeping. If I ignore, if I live in an apartment, I ignore the people around me. On one level, it is expressing my power, but it’s doing so, um, without awareness and tending to context. Um, and honestly, a lot of the way that I saw power being used when I was growing up and in many contexts, it is somebody has power and they use it, whether it impacts other people consensually or not, I’m a dad and you don’t have to be a terrible father to run into this, even in your own home.
[00:05:39] Um, a child can want to do something and be using their power to try to get it their emotional power, whether it’s their disappointment. Um, my daughter’s not even two years old and she knows how to express disappointment. Like. And he is, oh, I don’t wanna disappoint you. You no, I don’t. Or she goes down in child’s pose and just kind of puts her head on the ground and cries.
[00:06:13] And I’m like, I know how to do that. But there was a point in my life where, um, that was too much for my mom. I could feel it in my nervous system, that my honest expression of my emotional power, my power of dis expressing my disappointment, my ex power of expressing my frustration, the power of expressing all of those things.
[00:06:37] It was too much for her. And if I stayed too much for her, it was not going to be good for me and my brother. And so I believe that from very early on, My mother was not abusive about those things. She was a very, she is and was a very understanding person about that. And I also, I was suppressed. I also have clients who, um, while, and even with my father, like if he was in a certain state and I was even just a little frustrated with him, that was not good.
[00:07:11] It was not safe. We would be out on a boat, he would be drunk. And if he got angry and I disagreed with anything that he said, even slightly, it was not good. Huh? Tap, tap, tap. I would be open to hearing from you and the chat. If there’s anything that’s coming up for you about like how power has been in your life, what is it that you’ve seen, witnessed felt on your body or in your body about how, about what it means to be powerful?
[00:07:44] Because we’re, we’re, we’re touching, I’m, I’m intentionally touching on things that are intimate and aware in my own body about how, um, yeah, we contract our range, um, how much we can be repulsed by power over us. You know, I, I remember when a new, uh, chief executive came into a company, I was wor I don’t, I’ve typically been self-employed because tending to myself is really important.
[00:08:18] Um, and being able to express myself, but I was, uh, working for nine years when my, um, when my older children were growing up, it was just the right thing to do. And I, we had a CEO that I was a good friends with. He had hired me. Um, we were in the mission together and he brought in a new chief executive officer and this guy, wow.
[00:08:43] He just used his power over, instead of me being able to navigate the needs of being a parent and, um, and a chief technology officer, uh, he was like, no, you’re gonna be at this meeting. Well, it didn’t matter that my kids had a, my, my child had a championship soccer game that was not, he used his power over me to dictate into my life how I was going to be rather than co-creating and, and seeking ways so that we can maximize the, the power coming together.
[00:09:24] So, um, powerful can be overbearing and intimidating, especially, uh, being an empathetic child. I became hypervigilant and guarded. Um, another person wrote my in my family, we divided up strong emotions. I was allowed to be sad, but not angry. My sister was allowed to be angry and meltdown trying to get my power, to feel my anger prompted a super meltdown from my sister and I am 72 years old.
[00:09:56] Now that’s a rigid family structure and an attempted use of power over.
[00:10:04] And, and I appreciate you bringing this up because it goes to, uh, context and, um, I’ll, I’ll get to the hand raised in just a second. So be ready. Um, so families can create these contexts where, you know, this is what we can handle, or you’re allowed to be sad, but not angry. And it’s a bit like a game. Um, it’s it’s real life.
[00:10:37] But it’s a, okay, so let’s call it a, we space. It’s a, we space where the limitations of the different people and their needs kind can often get, like we assert this is what’s allowed. And whether it’s said specifically or not, this is just the way that that space works. Um, and sometimes it’s for, um, I usually believe, I won’t say always believe, but I, I go seeking, is there an intelligence there?
[00:11:15] And for example, if somebody totally disregulates around anger, like that’s their, their nervous system can’t handle it, their trauma, whatever their neurodiversity, um, if they just can’t handle a particular vibration, then. The simplest thing is to say, well, that’s not allowed toward that person. Uh, my dad could not handle, uh, disrespect in his kind of archaic way of looking at it, but that was one of his things.
[00:11:50] Disregulated. If you were disrespectful to him, um, you could be disrespectful to him. You just had to be sly about it. So he didn’t find out. Um, so like the, we base of my dad’s family was one where a lot of people did a lot of things that were not good, um, behind everyone’s back. And there was no sharing.
[00:12:12] Um, mother thought she had, uh, power over me. Well, she often mothers often do when we’re children, when you come home, you’re going to do the dishes, even if you aren’t here for dinner, a minor thing, but an example. Right. Um, so again, like. The power over model that I’d love to make archaic completely archaic, but we’re animals still
[00:12:40] And we, we don’t have as strong structures around power with, and in my family, there was definitely a power structure where if dad or mom said something was going to be done, it had to be done or what would happen, violence, punishment. Um, and the like, so these are things that really make power, seem like a, a sucky thing, especially if you’re your roots are an being an empathetic child and seeing what, gosh, you really have to use up a lot of energy just to navigate other people’s power.
[00:13:16] Why would I want to inflict that on anyone else? Um, so I covered some landscape there. I’m gonna ask you to unmute theater.
[00:13:33] That work. Okay. Here we go. thank you, Rick. Hold on. Can relate. Hold on just a second. I’m I’m currently. Okay, great. Go ahead. Thanks a lot. I can relate to a lot what you said. I think for me growing up, I only experienced power over model. Yeah. Uh, most of it’s from my father and he was like making rules, which we had to obey, but he didn’t.
[00:14:05] So he didn’t choose to lead by example. He, he led by BR force basically. Uh, a mother showed me that she had power by me by when I didn’t comply telling to my father what I did wrong. So and what would happen then? He. Well, I, I got punished when I physically, if you wanna share with the physical punishment.
[00:14:33] Yeah. Most of it and verbal abuse, if you wanna call it like this, I worked most of my adult life telling it from 20 years on to, to process my, my childhood and my youth to not being stuck in that. So I kind of, uh, made peace with my history. So it doesn’t work me up, uh, today. So, um, so in a way, I, I started early in my life to do some kind of trauma work without calling it, like it started with meditation and later with, uh, all kinds right now.
[00:15:13] How comfortable are you with your power? What brings you to afraid of my power? That’s I wanna go, I, I realized my first way of discovering my own power was anger. Still is a lot of my go to when I feel powerless. My knee jerk reaction is getting angry to get feel less powerless. So the first glimpse of power for me is, uh, getting angry.
[00:15:40] So whenever I’m getting angry, kind of self-conscious I realize, oops, some, some things going on there and on the powerless side and when I was in a socalled leadership position at work, yeah. I took a rebellious approach. I, I used my power over, not for doing repeating the model, got for father from other leaders in the company.
[00:16:07] I’d used it to protect people. And I figured out that this was amazing. If you use power to protect others, rather than punish them, then they blossom. Then they shine in a, in ways you. Amazing. Uh, it it’s really, so that, that is my, my positive, uh, experience with power when you, but I needed to, to, to use a rebel stance, uh, of, of the power model.
[00:16:39] I almost the contrary, not using power to manipulate people, but using my power to say you do what you do. You’re allowed to make mistakes. And when something goes wrong, it’s my fault. There you go. And I had an amazing, amazing results with that. And not just for them, even for me, because I’ve, I felt at ease at work.
[00:17:03] I knew that they had my back in a way because I had theirs better, but in every aspect of that, this was, and, uh, so whenever I’m in a situation like this, nowadays, I use this kind of model because it served me so well. Like when with my cat, I have a cat. Uh, always sometimes I have friends who have dogs. I, I use this energy protective energy and I get great feedback from the, from an animal, very simple, just not, uh, on what to do, but protecting him and, and wild he is doing.
[00:17:42] And then they be behave fun, miraculously. Well, some people say, how do you do that? But that dog said simple him. So, yeah. And, and I want to say that like the protection, energy, where what you’re doing is you create a container, which is safer for the people that are in your space. Yeah, exactly. And, and that, um, I’m noticing over the last, um, Years that there’s, there’s a continuing evolution of that because protection is certainly helpful.
[00:18:17] Our skin is protective of us and in a role where there’s a hierarchy that could inflict the person who is resilient enough and strong enough in their power to be able to say, look, it’s my fault. They essentially are like a lightning rod. If there are things that are going a lightning rod protects the barn and the hay and the horses and the animals and other thing, because it is designed energetically with enough.
[00:18:42] Power and structure to be able to handle energy and even intense energy, um, in that structure. Um, yeah, one of the things that I’m looking at, and I, I want to cultivate as a real skill for thriving is this idea that there are people that, that want to create a, we space. A we space is one that is designed to be shared.
[00:19:05] It’s not just about tending to me. It’s a, it’s about tending with others. Um, and we’re gonna have roles and use our energy and use our power to facilitate the wellbeing of each of us. All of us. It’s not a sacrifice. It’s not, um, It and, you know, within regular hierarchies, sometimes that’s just not the best you can do, which is extraordinary.
[00:19:31] Thank you for sharing. It is to create a little world, you know, of the people that work for you, where you have power over them, but you’re actually using that power to create a protective energy that allows them to flourish more, um, like a greenhouse in a hostile environment can protect the, the growth and flourishing of whatever is inside.
[00:19:58] Um, and so that’s, that’s one of the things I’m we’re looking at is, um, as we source other spaces and join other spaces, especially if we’re not even necessarily the one with the role that could be construed as being power over, how do we, how do we. Continue that like you volunteering today, sharing your wisdom is exactly what I’m talking about.
[00:20:26] And I’m, I’m riffing on it with, with the wisdom and the things that are that I’m noticing are important around facilitation and we space and, and between us and everyone who’s listening and everyone who will listen to this, what we’re doing is we’re, we’re taking this idea of look, you came from a place where power was violent and threatening and dictatorial authoritarian, at least.
[00:20:52] And you said, listen, that’s not the way that I want to use my power. What do I do? And you’ve continued to evolve it and people notice, does that make sense? That one thing for me, I realized while I was a kid in some something you said, uh, trigger that, uh, memory. I of course I ran some sabotage against the author authoritarian power of my father.
[00:21:21] Yeah. And, and there was competition, like who would, uh, get the, this nice face rather than the punishment. And I realized that this crazy competition and this sabotage is draining the energy of the system. And when you and I had my, my, my department, so, and I had objectives to, to meet and I don’t claim to be a good person.
[00:21:54] I just claimed that. I said, well, if I want to meet my objective, this other model won’t work. Yeah. Because they never give you enough resources in terms of human resources, how it’s called in that type of language. So if you work with what you’ve got, make sure that people have the freedom. And this is an key element in such a space to create freedom, to not compete.
[00:22:21] I had a simple rule. I, I like to apply certain rules, which are the same for everybody, by the way, not like in my father’s world. Uh, when people have an idea, I, I worked in Japan. I said, I brought that from Japan. If somebody has idea, and if it’s minor, nobody has the right to squash the idea because, uh, they wanna criticize it.
[00:22:47] I said, the only way to discuss idea is if you have a better idea, which not only solves 1%, but 5% maybe, or 2%, but if that’s not the case, every idea is welcome. So I, I heard people speak up. Who in other environments, I knew them from other ones, never. Opened them house because they were afraid that whenever they say it’s not important enough, not big enough, not creative enough, not inspiring enough.
[00:23:17] And in my, in this space, they were able to talk because they had to freedom to, to give an idea which only improved 1% and down the road, they gave ideas which improve to 50% because they learned how to talk. Thank you. And not like in my own model where nobody was allowed to talk except the big guy. Uh, and, and as I, I said, I always said I have a master’s degree in anger because I’m, I really know all the, all the keys on this keyboard, which skull, uh, I told about people, if somebody’s angry with you on the phone and you have that a lot, a lot of abuse on the phone in, in this world, I worked, I said, give them to me.
[00:24:03] I know how to deal with angry people because I am one. One of them. So I listened to them. I said, talk to me. And it, it worked out like this. So I thank you. I wanna, I want to, to bring us back to the subject. Um, I appreciate you, uh, talking about anger. It’s one of the things that, um, because it impacts our, our feeling of power.
[00:24:27] Uh, we have the thriving now center. I, I would enjoy engaging with you around what you’ve learned about anger, what it means to you and where, where you’re moving it. We did a workshop on turning anger into oomph, and, um, I’d like to continue that, that exploration, um, how, how people, sorry, the time difference at the time the recording is out there on thriving now about session.
[00:24:54] Thank you. I’m gonna go ahead and mute for right now. Feel free to, um, so. How we’ve experienced anger as punishment. I think that’s one of the things that we could do some tapping on. If you all are open to that, um, uh, someone shared and there was a lot of people, there were some people that agreed. My mother went as far.
[00:25:20] Oh, I’m gonna do that after the tapping on, on anger. Okay. Um, we use EFT tapping if you’re not familiar with it. Thriving now.com/tapping,
[00:25:36] even though anger is powerful,
[00:25:41] it has been used against me and that’s been really hard and it’s made me afraid of power. Even my own power,
[00:25:59] even though power has hurt.
[00:26:05] I’m here exploring other ways to use my power, to create safety and thriving for myself and others.
[00:26:22] Top of the head, I’ve been scared of anger, eyebrow. Their anger was scary. Side of the eye. Their anger was violent
[00:26:41] under the eye. Their anger was horrible under the nose. They took it out on me, Tim. I saw them take it out on others. Collarbone. If that’s power, I don’t want any, anything about it.
[00:27:04] Uh, under the arm, but anger doesn’t have to be used that way.
[00:27:13] And I’m grateful to have heard that
[00:27:18] up of the head. I’m grateful that I’ve modeled it at times too.
[00:27:30] So it’s useful sometimes as you’re going through a workshop to like write down anger, how afraid of my am I of the power of my anger zero to 10 now, not then, but now like how afraid are you? If, if, if your power comes up and it’s got anger to it, how afraid are you of that?
[00:28:05] And whatever the number is, for example, if you’re afraid of it at a 10, that’s really hard to navigate the world because anger is a clear form of ouch of hurt. For example, if somebody intentionally steps on your foot or pushes you out of the way, there’s going to be a natural, energetic response to that, which is like, no, that’s not okay.
[00:28:31] Um, there are lots of places for that, but if you’re afraid of your anger coming up at a 10, then your nervous system and your energy system will be suppressing it. If you’re afraid of your anger at a, and, and I think that there are things that we can do to acknowledge that. Yeah, I suppress it because I don’t feel safe.
[00:28:51] Okay. I suppress it. I, I don’t wanna cause harm to myself or others. I don’t wanna get in a fight. I’m not ready to be in a fight. I don’t want to be in a fight. I prefer I’m devoted to nonviolence even around my boundaries, wherever possible. You know, we can, we can do that. And, um, hold on just a second. Um, so that’s, if you’re, if you’re, um, afraid at a six, then I believe that one of the things is, um, you know, that you get angry and you want to continue to channel that anger in a way that is true to your yourself, your own protection, survival that acknowledges that sometimes, you know, not saying not doing anything is the way to survive.
[00:29:50] And sometimes it’s just what you’re, you’re ready for or not ready for. Um, and that’s true for me. Like, I, I, I have a very powerful fire in me that can come out. And so, like mine’s a six and I can feel that what I want to continue to do is to channel that into a pause, for example, a powerful pause. One where I go, okay, I calm, I get clear.
[00:30:20] I calm my, my over. Uh, it contains the fire in a way that says, I feel my, my feelings and I’m going to consciously respond in a way that’s right. For me, it can be an angry word. it can be a profanity. And I also want the capacity to turn and walk. I want the capacity to let it go because the anger kind of stepped on something that really isn’t that important to me.
[00:30:49] Uh, I may have other options, like, you know, I can just go to another room here. I don’t have to get Ang, you know, anger told me it’s time for me to do something, but I could just pick up my stuff and go to the other room with calm confidence. Ooh, that’s what the workshop’s about. Calm confidence. Um, people that are afraid of their anger at a zero, um, uh, are kind of like the person who’s afraid of fire at a zero.
[00:31:17] Like, does that make sense? You know, um, and maybe it’s like afraid is not the right word, but there, the, the fear transforms into a deep respect that this is a powerful energy that can, can warm a hear and it can burn down a forest. So, um, Our power can do great. Good. It can be used for protection. It can be used to assert on behalf of someone who’s vulnerable.
[00:31:47] Um, it can be used to set a boundary that no, this must stop or you don’t get to be in relationship with me. It can do a lot of things. It has a power to it.
[00:32:01] So if it, I believe that part of the skill here is knowing that our power is wanting to move to a place where it can be confidently used in a ways that are congruent with what matters to us, our integrity in the like, um, and doesn’t necessarily flare out. And also like, as someone said, um, If you express your anger, because that is absolutely what is needed and chosen, and your sibling goes cuckoo brains over it that you can, you can say, listen, I, I expressed my feelings.
[00:32:42] I stayed on my side of the fence. I said, when this happens, I feel angry. And when this doesn’t happen, I feel like there’s something wrong. I get angry about it. Um, and if somebody else disregulates, you, you have a power of allowing their feelings to be theirs. Uh, even as an empath, that is woo, uh, takes decades of practice for me.
[00:33:10] uh, I’ve met people that get it a lot faster. Um, I, I hope it for all of us. Um, but it’s, it’s, it’s a reality that our personal power is, um, It’s just important to human flourishing as fire, and also used respectfully, uh, fire, water, uh, steel earth, like, uh, our power is essential for our flourishing and flourishing with one another.
[00:33:44] Um, and the, the conscious use of power. Um, if it’s in our primitive brain, how can we with some savvy calm it out of our primitive brain and bring it into our, our heart, our core so that we can stand and be with confidence. Um, Like anger usually does come from, uh, either my primitive brain or up from my core as in, you know, like this matters to me or it’s like, this makes me angry.
[00:34:20] cause it’s not what I want. It’s not what I expected. It’s not like those are two different kinds of power and the savvy of being able to move with that. So, um, I wanna get to a couple other chat messages, cause this is, this is also like the power. Um, my mother went as far as clearly defining me, ah, by telling me that I was giving calm and good natured.
[00:34:51] She reminded me of this expectation daily. I felt I needed to live up to her way of defining me. I was unable to fully express my true nature. With my family. Um, we see this as, um, you know, people get to find as the smart one, people get to find as the pretty one people get to find as the good natured one, the easygoing one, um, you know, we emotional freedom, um, in my, what I’m offering around emotional freedom is, uh, that the good natured one can also be, um, human
[00:35:42] Um, and yeah, if they do something that’s out of integrity that they can clean it up, but they don’t, they’re not, we’re not forced into being something. Um,
[00:35:59] and there’s a power of the people around us to, to. Like see us and see us in certain ways that don’t necessarily reflect, um, like who we are and our wholeness, um, people that are really good at being outgoing. Um, for example, there’s a power in being outgoing, but if everyone is defining you and I’m tapping, cuz you know, this is,
[00:36:33] I am not always outgoing. Anyone here always outgoing
[00:36:40] and I’m not always an, an uh, like, uh, an introvert either, you know? Um, so if people in the neighborhood knew me as outgoing, they. Rec. Oh, you’re so outgoing sometimes. Like that, that to me is part of the power of, um, oh, you are so creative. You’re so yeah, sometimes I love it. When that expresses through me.
[00:37:06] It’s, it’s definitely a part of, part of me. Uh, I believe that that one of the ways that we get comfortable with our power is by embracing our range. It’s like, oh, you’re so calm and confident. Yeah. I’ve made a lot of, I’ve made a lot of shifts around that and you know, sometimes I’m not, and I I’m I’m okay with that.
[00:37:29] It gets, um, it starts building, um, and, and people will do this with the kids. Oh, you’re so this you’re so that, yeah, sometimes, often, yeah, that’s a really, that’s a really core part of their nature and not all of who they are, you know? And when we. And that I think goes to what de had shared too. Like one of the things that I’m aware of, and I know that other empaths can be aware of and you’re, you don’t even have to be an empath to be aware of.
[00:38:00] This is how, um, how we get projected on. Um, and that, um,
[00:38:19] like I’m noticing that one of the things that, um, if you wanna start a particular kind of work, it may be that that’s gonna accentuate a part of your power. Right. And there can be a feeling like, well, if I start, um, like if I start doing work with people to help them get past their artistic blocks, I’ll use that.
[00:38:40] Let’s say you wanna be a coach and you start doing that. There can be this feeling like, well, if I express my power, Which I assume if you have the desire that you really could help people get through their blocks co-creating is wonderful. Um, that you might feel like, oh no. If I use my power that way, then I lose the freedom of having blocks myself.
[00:39:07] Um, so afraid of power can come up that way. Um, let me take a look at what else Sarah.
[00:39:24] Yeah. Stops you from shining. Um,
[00:39:31] thank you for, um, bringing that up, cuz I, I wrote about that. Um, So I’m gonna, again, like we can tap while people, uh, I listen to podcasts and tap, even though they’re not tappers, I listen to podcasts and tap. Um, and again, like if something’s coming up strongly for you, that you wanna volunteer to share the, the facilitation, the co-creating feel free to raise your hand.
[00:40:00] Um, I wanna talk about shining. Um,
[00:40:07] so cuz this is, this goes to the freight of power. Um,
[00:40:18] so there are experiences that we’ve had where we were doing something where we felt powerful. What happened in those cases were shining we’re glow. If you’ve ever seen someone who’s really in their flow, um, they could be alone working at a piece of art. But if you, if you, if you were able to get the energetic snapshot, like they’re shining, it could be like the, the soft glow of this onerous energy that they’re vibing with.
[00:40:50] It could be like rainbows and sparkles shooting out from their everything. Um, but when I say shining, I mean, you’re in your, your harvestry what happened? What happened? What did they do? Um, and did that feel nourishing to you? So, um, if it felt really good to do a piece of art and you, somebody sees it and says, what’s that shit.
[00:41:28] You were shining and somebody else sees it and they add energy, which is, um, like I don’t know about you, but I, I feel that if somebody said something like that, um, so there’s, there’s the inherent, um, experiences, the associations we have, if we’re encouraged in certain ways, if we’re, um, punished in certain ways, if we’re ridiculed bullied, these are things that, um, in the landscape of being afraid of power, those traumas, if they’re still in your, in your CRA, um, will impact how free you feel to express your, your power in that way.
[00:42:24] Um, As a, as a practice, if I’m going to want to do something. Um, for example, I got a, I was gifted an iPad that someone wasn’t using. And, um, there was a drawing app that I wanted to, to use. As soon as I picked it up, I was flooded by memories of negative feedback. I got, um, some of it, I couldn’t even put words to about drawing.
[00:42:54] And I just sat there with the plastic stylist pencil in my hand, and I just tapped and, um, I just made a heart on the screen. And the first one I did, I didn’t like it didn’t speak to me. And, um, so I used the undo, something I didn’t have back then. And I did it again and I liked it. It was like, oh, I like that.
[00:43:22] And I stopped there. So as we’re reclaiming our power, um, noticing what comes up for us as we start to move in a particular direction, not in a general way, but like saying hello to someone. Okay. Like if you think about like, I like to be friendlier with people, just a little, like I just turn up the volume a little bit on my friendliness.
[00:43:47] Um, uhoh well, what what’s gonna happen? Well, someone may ignore me. How do I feel about that? I feel rejected. If that’s an eight, you won’t be friendly, but you could start with tapping on that, the power of being friendly and open and resilient and, and, you know, like, Hey, good to see you have a nice walk.
[00:44:11] Um, this did a little bit more power to it rather than, you know, Um, not as something you have to do, but if that’s where you want to express your power with a little bit more, um, noticing where it comes up for you. Um,
[00:44:33] there are other aspects to that. For example, um,
[00:44:44] we don’t necessarily live in a safe world.
[00:44:49] I don’t know that humans have ever lived in a safe world. Um, utterly safe, emotionally safe. Many of us have created worlds of our own and in our, our kinships that are much safer than anything we experienced or any of our ancestors experienced, at least in, in my memory. And if I’m more outgoing and friendly on, um, Out in the world, it can open people can feel like that’s an opening to try to get what they want.
[00:45:23] And if I don’t feel resilient to say, Hey, I’m, I’m, I’m just saying I’m, I’m saying hi, noticed I start getting a little awkward. This is work for me right now. Um, I need to have some language and some boundary and some energy that allows me to keep going if I don’t want to have a conversation. Um,
[00:45:49] and this applies like, if you wanna post something on social media, um, I, if you’re out on social media at all, you’ve probably seen someone that did that posted something that you really liked. It’s like, oh, that really spoke to me or, oh, I love her creativity. And you’ll you saw a comment that was not nice, not kind, kind of.
[00:46:12] Attacked it even from a direction you’re like, what
[00:46:20] am I afraid to shine out on social media? Yeah. Like, because it, it doesn’t mean that I’m utterly suppressed, but I’ve come to realize that that’s not a we space that has what I really like now by contrast the community center that we have has a different set of dynamics. If, if I post a work of art and somebody attacks me for it, I know that the circle will be like, Hey, if it’s not to your liking.
[00:46:57] It’s fine to say that, Hey yeah. Or not say it right, but to attack someone’s skill or their expression or something like that, that’s not within the we space, um, that we’re co-creating together. Cuz I am not, I, I have a role there. And if I’m, if somebody goes against that, I know that there are people that, that space matters to them that wouldn’t necessarily attack.
[00:47:28] I would hope. Um, but would, would, uh, create, uh, would, would seek to restore what the we space is about, which is about emotional freedom. Um, not shoulding on E on, on each other. We even encourage ourselves to not should on ourselves. um, and so, uh, that’s a thing. And, um, I’m gonna take, we’re gonna take our break here right after Nore.
[00:47:58] Hi Noreen. Hi Rick. Thank you. Oh, my pleasure. Um, I too was grew up in a family and was told, I mean, I never really had any great trauma or horrible thing that happened to me, but I was always the good nature. The nice one, the pretty one, the thin one. Oh, you know, no pressure. Yeah. And then my first memory of power over me was when I was in kindergarten.
[00:48:45] Okay. It was Easter time. We were making clay bunnies. I was in. Heaven. I’m I . And Mrs. Reynolds, ah, came over. Yeah, took my bunny out of my hands. She didn’t really say anything, but as if to say here, let me show you how that really needs to be done. And she commenced to finish and paint my bunny. Okay. And I what’s, what emotion are you feeling right now?
[00:49:23] I felt like I was stripped of my own creativity and it took me decades. You know, I I’ve, we’ve worked together on my heart history and I mean, it wasn’t until a few years ago that I could even. Put the words outside of me that I am an artist, um, you know, going from Mrs. Reynolds, doing what she did. Oh. And by the way, my, each of my brother and sister, each had her for kindergarten and their bunnies looked like they were done by a kindergartner.
[00:50:12] Mine is the only one that looks like it was done by a 35 year old um, cause it was yeah. Finished off. And then later, you know, my, my dad discouraging me from taking art classes because you can’t let’s let’s pause. Let’s pause there. Okay. And just tap, uh, cause I want to, I wanna get our break in here. Yeah.
[00:50:38] I’ve been discouraged from shining. I have been discouraged from shining. I have been discouraged. I’ve been discouraged side of the eye, Mrs. Reynolds, Mrs. Reynolds, and so many others, my dad, and so many others under the eye discouraged from shining, discouraged from shining under the, it feels like rejection or discouragement feels discouraged.
[00:51:16] It feels like you’re not good enough anyway, so yeah, your power isn’t isn’t okay. Right here. Power my power isn’t okay. Right here. I,
[00:51:39] and that’s been really hard to navigate. It has been so hard to navigate with the arm. I at times I thought it was me most of the time, I thought it was me. how empowering of me powering of me, but it was really Mrs. Reynolds. It was really Mrs. Reynolds. Oh, uh,
[00:52:18] and you know what I remember, I think it was one of our very first sessions that we had together. You and I, and I had said something and, and you said, well, what do you mean? It’s not okay to toot your own horn you know? And so you too. Yeah. , I’ve been trying to toot my own horn.
[00:52:45] Because I deserve to, I, you know, I’ve done some good things
[00:52:56] and, and that goes to, um, I think one of the, the key takeaways for me about power, um, that we navigate these spaces, uh, growing up like a classroom that’s run, run by a teacher and that’s their realm. They’re they’re, you know, they’re the king or queen the ruler over and some homes are run the same, were run the same way.
[00:53:30] Um, and those are spaces and in those contexts there wasn’t freedom. Wasn’t freedom to use the power in a certain way. Um, in my, in, in the circle that I I’m co-creating tooting your own horn is something I want more of. I believe that celebration matters. I believe that CEL a space where we can celebrate the emotional wins and even the emotional labors that we do, the changes that occur within inside of us.
[00:54:11] Um, the journey that we’ve taken, that this is crucial, it’s crucial for our wellbeing, as in it’s crucial for our thriving to have that. At least it is for me, not everyone wants to be in a space where people celebrate and there are, there are people that dysregulate, if somebody else has just done something good because, well, they can’t handle that energy.
[00:54:37] Two too way, too, even just that two too way, too loud for them. They cannot handle that in their nervous system. Um, and that’s where, um, recog learning to the skill of recognizing the relationships and the context and the we spaces that support different aspects of our power, um, is a kind of savvy that unlike the primal instinct of this is the little narrow world that I was born into and I better learn how to navigate it, shut down the powers that I, I.
[00:55:25] You know that aren’t, there aren’t any spaces for this like free spirited thinking. There are whole cultures and countries where free spirited thinking will get you stoned and not in a good way. So finding context where we can be artistic, um, and, and also cultivating them, um, as we go into the break, someone mentioned about, and I’d like to do some tapping on this.
[00:55:58] I’m afraid to shine as I am afraid of rejection and judgment. There are places that if you put out what you’ve done and you don’t have a filter, you will get rejected, you will get judged. And what are you going to do with that energy? There needs to be a place for that to go, which isn’t, um, Something that we have to cope with or adapt to, if that makes sense.
[00:56:29] Um, I appreciate you and all that you’ve done to help. Co-create thriving now, circle, I see many faces here that have do that, and I thank you all for being here. We’re gonna just pause the recording here. If you’re watching the replay, please, uh, take a, we’re gonna take a seven minute break. So about, um, six after, uh, welcome back.
[00:56:59] So, um, we talked about being afraid of our power because we put something out and we got back discouragement or threats or punishment. If it went against the, the rules of the people that had power over us. Um, and that matters to our primitive brain. Um, and for most of our ancestry, the truth is that we needed to either get along or deal with violence, um, or rejection, which meant being cast out.
[00:57:45] Like you are such a bad fit for our tribe you’re out of here. Um, so when, when someone brought up about like, I’m afraid of my power and expressing it because I’m gonna get rejected, um,
[00:58:08] I’m trying to find, um, Or I’m gonna get judged, which is an energy that our primitive brain is aware of. It’s like, I am being judged. Am I being judged favorably? Or am I being judged harshly? Um,
[00:58:32] it’s tender to realize that with everything that we’ve done around emotional freedom that, um, hold on a second, I’m trying to, with everything that we’ve done around emotional freedom, we still have a primitive brain and it gets first crack at things like, oh, I’m being judged. Ah, I’m being rejected, but humans have evolved so that that’s not the only place that, that awareness is gonna be living.
[00:59:03] We have the capacity through practice and through awareness and conscious skill building to take that sensation awareness and do something different with it, then just hide. So if I’m afraid of my power, because I’m going to be rejected and judged, you’re still in your primitive brain. Like that’s where that, that lives.
[00:59:33] The first thing we can do is taped. I accept that I’m going to be judged
[00:59:42] that usually doesn’t come with a threat of death F
[00:59:49] side of the eye. I am going to be rejected under the eye, but that doesn’t make me an outcast.
[01:00:00] Under the nose. People will judge me, chin. I certainly judge other people collarbone. What if that’s okay.
[01:00:15] Under the arm, people have their preferences and they have things that re repulsed them ideas and art poems and music. Somebody loves it. Somebody hates it. What if that’s okay. It doesn’t feel okay to a part of me
[01:00:53] that remembers a long time ago.
[01:00:59] Or even that remembers last week,
[01:01:05] I want to be savvy with the reality of rejection and judgment and still thrive. What if I don’t have to take it in quite so deeply,
[01:01:25] take a deep breath.
[01:01:35] And what does it mean to not take it in quite so deeply? Well, to me, there’s a preparation. When I’m working with someone that wants to be out there in the world, more, just not just shine in their own studio, but also wants to be engaging and offering and, and even being assertive on some behalf of something that matters to them.
[01:02:02] There’s some energetic preparation that is really helpful as part of the skill of being calm and confident. The skill of noticing that look rejection and judgment are important, just like status to my primitive brain. And by noticing when it comes in and moving the energy, moving the energy means it’s not just about fight flight or freeze.
[01:02:28] It’ss about choice. Oh, feels like I’ve got a freeze. Feels like I’ve got flee. Hide oh, love you. Primitive brain. I’m gonna move this energy. My choice is to put it out there in ways that feel good to me or the people that want to share that with me. Hi, not the energetic, um, of tapping is to acknowledge, accept that it, of course, I’m gonna pick it up here in my primitive brain or here, here, like my, my sensors are gonna pick up up.
[01:03:08] They’re judging me and they’re not, they’re not happy. Um, and to be able to move the energy, um, you do not have to tap to move energy. Tapping, I think is a very natural way, um, to move energy through your body. And giving it a place. Like, look, I accept it. And it, it is not something that I want to shut me down.
[01:03:35] I want it, I want it to be a part of reality, but not the one that I’m focused on. It’s a part of my reality. I just got that email. I just got, you know, I said something that was a little edgy and a hundred people unsubscribed. Guess what? It happens. Now, my there’s someone I, I really care about who has such a hard time with unsubscribes.
[01:04:03] That the way that they, um, tend to themselves is we turned off. I showed them how to turn off the unsubscribe, emails, that to let them know when someone leaves. So it’s quieter, right? Um, so like quieting the noise of people leaving or the like another preparation is what does it mean when someone, um, asserts that they reject it or reject, you know, they may look at you and reject you.
[01:04:39] Um, okay. um,
[01:04:45] what does it mean? And that, and that it could be very helpful to go deeply into that. What does it actually mean to me? If, if I put out something into the world, I express my power. I’m shining. Like it really like this matters to me and somebody or someones, or even a lot of someones go. No yuck. Ooh, grows get away from me.
[01:05:20] What does it mean? Um, the most powerful words that I’ve heard were from Seth Goden. They’ve stuck with me. Ah, that’s okay. I didn’t do it for you. I didn’t create that for you clearly. I didn’t create that for you.
[01:05:43] When you’re talking about putting something out, knowing that people are going to judge it, cuz that’s a part of our primitive brain too, with almost unavoidable. Um, what does it mean for rejection and judgment? So then there’s rejection and judgment. That feels like it’s there, it comes with a threat where they, they need you to be different and that like preparation is what is your boundary?
[01:06:13] You know, I didn’t do it for you. You you’re asking me to do something that I’m not going to do. We should end this relationship. I’m gonna block you. well, I don’t even have to say that, like, eh, they’re gone. Um, if somebody writes something to me that is a personal attack, it happens, you know, every year or so.
[01:06:36] Um, maybe more rare. Um, if it’s not somebody that I have any relationship with, if, if one of you sent me something very personal, that expressed, um, uh, something, I, I have a relationship with you all our right distance, right? Depth is closer. You’ve you, you’re spending part of your life the, the time and the energy.
[01:07:02] Um, we’re, we’re, we’re sharing this space. Um, if you say something to me, that part of my preparation is people that matter to me. May also express something that is a judgment or a rejection. Um, if somebody out of the blue says, Hey, um, I can’t believe you used that S word on your workshop. You’re you must be a, a, a horrible person to, to let a profanity come out in a professional context.
[01:07:40] Unsubscribe.
[01:07:45] If one of you said that I would want to at least explain that part of freedom for me. And something that I have found professionally helpful is that if people have to suppress their energy, that comes out in whatever means it does. That’s not violent toward others, but expresses an emotion using whatever language.
[01:08:18] Um, I, I’m holding a space that where profanity is allowed. And if you need a space where profanity is, um, discouraged, actively, and where people that use profanity are to are told or in, or, um, uh, are, are silenced because that’s not what that you find another context where that is. Right? So you see like, um, rejection and judgment are, are going to happen and having a savvy about where we’re gonna put the energy.
[01:08:56] Um, That goes with family members too, because I believe that each of us, I, I talked to, I, I wrote down here before, like there’s capacity, we spoke about like, if you have a sister who cannot handle anger to express anger toward that person is a sacred decision, you know, that they’re going to dysregulate about it, cuz they’ve never J never demonstrated the capacity to handle it.
[01:09:22] And so your decision to be, to express anger toward them, I consider a sacred decision with an awareness of the repercussions. Um, if, if you choose in your sacred decision, like I’m really angry and that person has no capacity to hear me. I know it . And so I’m going to do the empty chair routine. I’m gonna sit in my living room and I’m going to express my anger.
[01:09:51] With this person and pretend that they’re right there or I’m gonna get a coach or I’m gonna ask my best friend, Hey, can you hold space for me? Do you have the capacity to hear how angry I am about this person, this situation or something? We look for the capacity. We look for the context. It could be that your friend has the capacity to hear your anger, but right in the middle of work, if they’re, if you’re a work friend, um, or while they’re cooking a meal is not the time, the, the context isn’t right.
[01:10:29] Um, and then there’s consent, which is, um, are you saying yes to this? Are the people that are holding the space saying, yes, this is awkward or this is uncomfortable. Or wouldn’t it be nice if profanity was never needed other than Tutu? Fuck. Yes. Um, right. Maybe we, maybe you want to live in a world where, um, people are not in distress.
[01:11:00] People are not being traumatized. People are not having to struggle with others who are, um, uncaring, unkind unlist, but it’s consensual for you to be there and to listen, if it’s not consensual, maybe moving to a different just temporarily, like, um, I have people that attend circles and workshops and sometimes a particular energy is too much for them.
[01:11:28] And they’ll, they’ll mute. Or they’ll take a break and come back. Um, I love that. That is so welcome here now. um, Kathy went to a group where if once the meeting started, you weren’t allowed to leave, unless you, you know, even if you were pooping yourself, like that would be, that was the SP everyone knew it.
[01:11:52] If you came in there, you knew you were signing on for two hours and you, nobody was gonna get up and leave. Now that kind of space is a particular container. I can’t consent. Won’t consent to that. And so the spaces that I ha hold, you can come, go leave. Um, because that’s what I’m wanting to cultivate. And the cool thing is if you’re a co-creator, you get to work with the other people that you’re co-creating with and refine and enhance and, and do that.
[01:12:30] Often there are people, um, and, and dere, thank you for, for pointing out. Like you have a capacity to handle other people’s anger. You have a lot of skill and you, you kind of know what to do with it. And in the context of your work, you told people, Hey, if you have somebody that’s so angry, um, you know, give 'em to me, I have the capacity and there’s consent.
[01:12:57] Now, if you, if you heard somebody dealing with an angry caller and you went in, you took that caller from them or took that away from them. That’s not consent. You might have the capacity and the context you have the authority even, but it doesn’t fit with consent. And so that, I think that as we look at like afraid of our power, I need a model that fits like sometimes I don’t have the capacity to listen to a long drawn out story.
[01:13:25] And I say, I own that. I’ll say, listen, buddy. Um, I don’t, my brain can’t track you right now. I can’t listen to this story. I just don’t have the capacity. I might have the capacity, but the context, like, Hey, I’m driving in traffic right now. And I’d love to listen to the story and, and I, this isn’t the time or place for it.
[01:13:48] And then there’s the, the consent like this isn’t my, yes, right now. Um, there’s a power in setting boundaries, um, and, and affirming that it requires a certain personal confidence and energy. Um, and, um, so this is, this is my, my, my skillset is that is the capacity there. And that goes for like, looking at your sister, your parents, if they’re still around, like, what is their act?
[01:14:23] You know, these people. We’re not putting them down by saying, you know, there’s a 99.9, nine, 9% chance, meaning maybe for seven minutes out of the entire year that they could be different, but there’s a 99.9, nine, 9% chance that if I share something vulnerable with them, they’re going to criticize me.
[01:14:43] Instead of hearing me you, we can pause there and recognize I’m not afraid of my power here. I’m, I’m clear this isn’t the context for me. If you know, I find it so easy to write stuff on the center compared to writing it on Facebook. Why? Well, there was a time when it felt right to just say yes to every friend request.
[01:15:16] So I have 2000 some friends and their friends. If I write something public out there, if I write something just to my friends and friends, if I write something just to my friends, that’s a really big group of unpredictable people.
[01:15:39] the context stocks for a lot of things that I might want to share that are tender, you know, like, oh, I’m writing this, you know, or I’m doing this thing for my wellbeing. Um, I put it out there. Um, and so I, you know, one of the things is that people could feel like, oh, I’m afraid of my power. I’m afraid of my, uh, in what context are you afraid of your power?
[01:16:07] If you were sitting there with Kathy and you wanted to share something really like a powerful dream of yours that you haven’t been able to share with anyone in your family, she’s one of the most encouraging people I’ve ever met. I feel utterly safe, sharing a dream with her, knowing that it is held, it is held with a recognition that what’s important to me, um, is important to me.
[01:16:33] It’s not to be like the idea, the little tiny idea. It’s even a bigger deal. If the, if what they’re putting out there is something like this makes me cry. It matters so much to me. Who do you share that with? We may want to share it with a parent, but their capacity is just, it’s not going to it. Uh, the context of the relationship just may not be right.
[01:16:55] We’re not afraid of our vulner vulnerability in this case. That’s part of the skillset of being with our power is recognizing capacity. Is the capacity there. Well seems to be, or no context is the context, right? I’m not clear. Maybe I can check is net would now be a good time. Are you in a good space? Um, I wanna talk about something edgy, but we’re here in this, in this restaurant.
[01:17:26] Is that comfortable for you? Um, maybe it is, maybe it isn’t and then the consent, um, people that get my newsletter consent to be mailed to me, I make it very easy for them to unsubscribe somebody that rejects and judges me and says, oh, this guy is not for me. He is
[01:17:50] Um, whatever it is, they are judging and rejecting me, but it is not to me. I believe that it can land in a place of thank you for following your guidance. I am not the one that you, you want to be spending time with around this subject or ever, um, what comes up for people as I’m sharing this, um,
[01:18:25] I’m looking in seeing,
[01:18:36] I, I, someone said there’s no comfort or emotional freedom in hiding. It only promotes fear and giving away your power. Um, uh, I, I can acknowledge that. That is very much their, their energetic experience. Um, for me, sacred hiding is a thing it’s like, I’m, I feel vulnerable. I feel tender. I’m not wanting, uh, closeness or exposure.
[01:19:07] Um, it’s, it’s more like sanctuary. Like there’s it. When I feel like I need to hide my place of taking that power. Is like, okay, actually it’s time for sanctuary. It’s time for solitude. It’s time to go within. It’s like, oh, there’s a lot of power in that. That’s like the warm, the warm caldron of soup in your soul rather than, um, that yeah.
[01:19:41] And, uh, a great skill, not taking it so deeply. Um, and again, like we’re, we’re oriented with, with people that we’ve been around or that are, that are really dear to us to like take in what they say. Um, and I’m like that. I will notice though, if I take something in deeply that, you know, This actually has no, no real guidance for me.
[01:20:11] This doesn’t activate or make me better or thriving. Um, I may recalibrate right. Distance, right depth. Um, and I, um, over, over my lifetime in my clients engagements, I, I noticed that, um, when you find that right distance, right depth, um, with a per person, then what they, what they give you, even if it comes intimately onto your, your phone, um, in a text message, it there’s a, there’s a certain, certain, um, boundary.
[01:20:49] Isn’t quite the right word. It feels like a right distance, right. Depth. Um, so like, Hmm, this person typically does not come with love. They come with something else. And so. I can, I can, I can, I can let them be them. It’s like, this is really okay for me to let them have their feelings. I have mine, they have theirs.
[01:21:11] What’s theirs is theirs. What’s mine is mine. Well, then I can be in my own powerful reaction. Like, you know, I’m really wanting more kindness in my life. I’m really gonna put more energy. You know, when I think that, like, I’m not getting this kindness from that person that I love, you know, they’re related or not, but you know, I’m not getting much kindness from them right now.
[01:21:34] They don’t seem to have the capacity or the it’s just not their nature. Um, so I’m, I’m, I’m getting this other, I’m gonna put my energy elsewhere. Um, I set a boundary with my, my, my BFF and sh she lasted out in anger. Uh, I was so shocked. So, um,
[01:22:06] When people are really close, this goes to the same thing. I believe that there’s a skill. If I’m gonna set a boundary with someone and I’m doing it consciously rather than reactively, or like in the moment, it’s like, like, um, I don’t expect people to react to boundaries with anything other than primitive brain as an initial reaction myself too.
[01:22:31] Okay. Um, it’s just something I’ve noticed occasionally. That’s not what happens, but I notice if somebody, if, if my partner, um, sets a boundary, like I don’t have time for that, or I don’t have the energy. I, she doesn’t say time. I don’t have the energy for that. Um, like what happens to me? Like my initial reaction, um, can be.
[01:22:58] When are we gonna have time? Like, okay. That AC AC happens on occasion. Now that I know that that boundary setting is something that’s healthy for us. Like, I don’t want her to take time and energy for something. She doesn’t have it for. I’m like, okay, thanks. Thanks for letting me know. It’s important to me.
[01:23:18] We’ll get to it. I trust this to get to it. Um, so if we’re not used to setting a boundary, um, it could be shocking that we get primitive brain back. I, without going deeper into it, of what I do, if I get primitive brain back is like, yeah, I get that. That’s that’s that’s they love me. And that’s their primitive bring.
[01:23:45] Um, she lashed out. Didn’t know what to do with the anger may have even assumed that she’s a bad person or something. That was really shocking. Oh, that was so shocking to me. That’s so not what our relationship has been about and it was a boundary and, you know,
[01:24:10] I’m open to letting go of the shock from my system
[01:24:16] and being open to repair and clarity.
[01:24:27] Um, The shocked is a, is a really use for, for emotional processing. If we’re shocked by something, um, it it’s a freeze response. If it keeps going around and around, it’s definitely a freeze response. And I did just the first part of it of, um, I’m open to letting go of the shock from my system that she’s human, I’m human.
[01:24:52] I needed to set the boundaries. She didn’t know what to do with that. Uh, it’s not okay to be lashing out at me either. and, um, and she’s my BFF and I’m open to us finding a place to repair and restore and, and move forward. Um, um, if one person comes out of shock and primitive brain, it often helps the other person it’s not guaranteed, but that’s a that’s part of the skillset is I’m shocked.
[01:25:24] I can’t believe. Yeah. Tap tap accept the reality humanity and the not okayness of what they did that we needed to set the boundary for the not okayness with being lashed in anger. Um and that, you know, I’m open to the possibility that repair is possible, um, when we have deep relationships. Um,
[01:26:06] so if, if what you’re tuning to is thinking about my marriage, that I was rejected in, um, for the purpose of afraid of our power. Um,
[01:26:21] so I had a marriage where I divorced and part of. The repair internally was, you know, I was expressing this, this, this, and this, and these are things that I actually like about myself that were rejected by my, my partner called unacceptable. That’s not acceptable, that’s not acceptable, that’s not acceptable.
[01:26:47] And, um, the repair can be, these are, these are powers. I want to find the right context and consent. And, you know, if, if we were going along great for 20 plus years, so to speak, and, um, we reached ahead on these things, which were irreconcilable because my power wanted, needed and flourishes when I express it a certain way.
[01:27:13] Um, and that wasn’t okay with my partner. The cleanup is to be like, I like this power of mine and I bet other people will too.
[01:27:28] Like I’m, I’m engaged in the lives of other people who are not just family members and engaged as in. I love you. I, so many of you have been with me for so long. I know you, I know your family. I know what matters to you. It’s really dear to me. And I hold that that’s a power to be able to hold a, a group of people, um, with love and sacredness and, um, somebody who wants a much more narrow container that is going to be a like, no, no, you can’t do that.
[01:28:07] Um, you think about like, what, what about your nature? Like some people. Only can I be partnered with a really positive person, right? Like, Nope, no negative. If you say anything negative, you’re just attracting more of that into our life. Well, I would be a disaster cause you know, I see things in the world that really are repulsive to me.
[01:28:32] I’m wanting to move the energy to cultivate something else. I don’t tend to fixate on just the negative. There are times when I’m sick and time when I’m down, who anyone else here have bad days, like days when you know that you’re attuned to not the fruity sunshine, um, sunshine is a power, but so is the darkness.
[01:28:57] And I I’ve grown through dark nights of meditation and tears and things. And I would not be the person I am, who I like. If I hadn’t been allowed to do that. So the power to feel emotions and to honor them and to be with them. Um, it doesn’t feel safe for me. If somebody is using lashing out at me with anger, I, my nervous system can’t handle that very well.
[01:29:29] I, I need to take a pause and a distance so that they can kind of get regulated with someone else and then I can hear and, and be with what’s important to them. But I, Rick, like, um, directed anger at me is not something my nervous system at this point in my life can, can do. I bless you, dear. Um, so like that’s something that, that, um, acknowledging that we also have limits of, of what we’re powerful to be able to, to cope with or.
[01:30:09] Thrive with, you know, um, I think is part of the ecosystem and the preparation for being in my power is to recognize that look, I’ve got some superpowers and I’ve got some real gaps and probably everybody, everybody else on the planet does as well. And so that’s where someone rejecting. Um, I, I don’t typically find it very helpful personally, to reject a person.
[01:30:42] I can create distance because like their ecosystem, their world is not something that works for me. Um, but the primitive brain rejects people and go, huh, you, um, if somebody’s in their primitive brain, part of my prep for being in my power is like, okay, Their primitive brain is barking at me like a small dog.
[01:31:04] I didn’t do anything to, to Chihuahua. I was just walking happily down the street whistling. Okay. I was skipping and whistling. The dog did not like that, you know? And, um, our, the dog doesn’t want me around fine. I’ll I’m okay. Creating some space. Does that make sense? Um, lot of other messages,
[01:31:36] a lot of clarity around this issue of sharing myself with others. Um, I do get sanctuary. It is necessary to set aside sacred time to simply be with one self. Um, yeah, I, I hear you. Uh, it is for me. Um, I do know people. They’re thriving and they get almost no sacred time to be with themselves because their, their energy and orientation is, um, I mean, it’s hard for me to fathom being like that, but they are, and they’re thriving and they’re so as long as they’re not demanding that I always keep the door open that I’m allowed to have sanctuary time.
[01:32:22] Um, I, we can, we can exist in the, in the ecosystem and even share intimate we space. Um, I do the primitive brain has been, uh, a remarkable, um, transformation for me. Oh. And we’re over time. I apologize. I didn’t set a, a time. Um, the primitive brain, I I’ll
[01:32:51] me retune.
[01:32:56] So we’ve touched on a lot of things here. Um,
[01:33:02] our experience of power includes the parts of us that are descended. We are an animal and we have that in us. Um, we’ve we look at that as sensory input, it may need to be consciously carried from the primitive brain where it might wanna fight or flee and hide or freeze in shock. We do what we can and what we’re learning to do to bring that into our core, our consciousness, our presence, um, what we know and like, and are cultivating within ourselves.
[01:33:44] And when we do that, um, the power first is, uh, Recalibrated within our, our being. And that gives us a place where we can choose. We can be aware of the capacity of a space or a person for what we want to express the power that we want to express and be in. We can look for the context of that we space and is this is now the time for that.
[01:34:16] Um, and not be, feel like we’re suppressed because we know we’re aware of the fact that this matters to us, that expressing this matters to us. And if we don’t know of a space right now, we’ll go, co-create one or find one where, where the context and capacity are there and then consent, whether it’s interpersonal, um, and, and with organizations and other things, by doing that.
[01:34:46] We, I believe take this powerful energy that we have and have savvy with it. I was, I was not RA my, my, my father for example, had a tremendous size and presence. Um, his savvy with his power was really about the competition and winning in court. Um, and he treated, he treated us at times. Like we were, you know, people to win, like, um, anyway, if we’ve not had it modeled, let’s find other people that are creating spaces.
[01:35:28] Let’s tune into spaces that, and look at like, what’s the capacity, what’s the context. Can I do that here? Um, And you can also reach out to the people that are the facilitators. If they consider themselves a student teacher or a facilitator of a space, um, or even the leader of a space, you can ask them.
[01:35:55] Like, I would like to be able to express this within this context. Is that okay? Is that something that is welcomed? Is it not just okay, but is it welcomed? And when, when we start doing that, we, we can feel like, well, we’ve got, we’ve got consent from the, the space holders and that can allow us to tune to them as, um, as ones that are helping to create the container.
[01:36:29] So thank you all so much for, for sticking with us and exploring, um, I wanna, I just got asked, do we really need permission to speak our truth?
[01:36:45] It is not freedom to me is not about permission. You are certainly free to tell someone to fuck off.
[01:37:00] All I’m saying is
[01:37:07] all I’m saying,
[01:37:15] I am not aware of any context anywhere where someone speaking their truth does not have some kind of response and may have a reaction if we’re. Want to be unafraid of our power and our voice. It can come from thinking that the world should be able to take our truth and not react to it, or respond in a way and to find places where truth speaking.
[01:37:54] Our truth is so precious that the people that are holding the space respond with more openness, a sense of connectedness and that our power joins and, and, and supports one another. That’s what I would like to cultivate. Um, and there are lots of contexts. There are lots of people without capacity to hear various aspects of my truth.
[01:38:28] And if I choose to share that with them, um, it may. It may end the relationship and that’s a sacred decision for me, perhaps that yeah. Receptive, receptive tribe. Um, and even contexts, you know, um, places where you could, like Kathy has said, she’s got people that, you know, that her truth about movies are really like safe with these people, but her truth about sexuality, uh, oh no, that’s not what you talk about with these people.
[01:39:04] I don’t consider that a deficiency, um, to, to recognize that there are people that you can share your love of Harry Potter with and other people that if you share your love with Harry Potter, with it, won’t bring you closer. It will actually create a reactive, um, departure, which might be good for you. It might be something you choose.
[01:39:26] Um, yeah. So, yeah. Thank you all. Five for now.
We covered…
- How afraid are you of your power? In what context?
- How did people you grew up around express and use THEIR power?
- How safe and respected and free have you felt around people using their power?
- How would you like to express your power? Even your anger?
- Power can be expressed differently depending on capacity, context, and consent.
- Co-creating and facilitating power-full we-spaces.
Resources Mentioned
Great to have you on this journey with us!
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Such an interesting topic! I realized towards the end that my MO is to think about power in a black & white fashion - as in if I don’t push myself I tend to act in ways that demonstrate that I am afraid of my power as a result of growing up in an abusive home that seemed bent on diminishing my light. This workshop highlighted the (now obvious!) notion that each situation is different (capacity, context etc) and should be evaluated for it’s own shade of gray and I can navigate my power rather than engage in push-pull. Thanks!
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It can even be felt as a spectrum of colors and vibrations!
Power OVER is so so utterly different from Power WITH.
The first has survival and dominance/submission all over it. Yeah, abusive homes we have to survive… and congrats! You DID!
Power WITH takes us into building powerful connections that mutually serve… networks of expressions of service and responsiveness to and with each other. Grounded in Freedom.
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Thank you for that - I definitely need more color in my perspective!!!
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It’s one of the clues we can look for to grow in Awareness. If a situation seems black and white (or shades of grey), what would it look like as red? As green? As purple?
With the topic of afraid of my own power, we can be aware that when we’re triggered or our primitive brain is activated… there is a power surge. But where does that power GO? Into trying to Power OVER? Into deciding black OR white… and then putting our life force behind that?
There’s “fear” in that kind of behavior for me. It doesn’t feel conscious. It doesn’t feel like choice, freedom.
So… expanding the choices, the color palette of possibilities, means that if I can do that… if I DO do that… I’m at least moving my power into choice and freedom.
Thank you, I get that!
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