Replay is below
Looking forward to this. I don’t recall ever seeing anyone talk about this, yet it immediately brought up things I think I could use some clearing around. Thank you for this in advance!
Cathy and I have been co-creating for 15 years now. We’d love to explore with you some of the pitfalls (and pleasures) in co-creating as a way of doing work that matters.
Co-creating is about collaboratively creating something new. The focus is on the process of creating, rather than just the end result. Everyone involved has a voice and contributes their heartistry.
It’s not a hierarchical or top-down structure like in “teamwork” often is. Which means… there are differences and pitfalls.
It’s a Real Skill to be a savvy co-creator… and so appropriate to explore together in Sunday’s workshop. We hope you’ll join us.
Replay is belowA Real Skills Workshop for: Savvy Relating and Engaging
With love,
Rick & Cathy ~ ThrivingNow
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule private sessions here
P.S. Adira says, “My baby doll and I co-create such fun experiences… and it would be a mistake to expect her to contribute equally to the co-creation. She contributes lots of tolerance and willingness!”
It wasn’t what I would have done.
It wasn’t even the color I would pick.
Yet, Adira smiled at how the drawing changed with her addition. So she made another. And another.
Anyone who expects to control how art is done with a toddler has fallen into the Pit of Control. It’s a pit full of poop (and devoid of the Good Stuff).
It wasn’t where I would have gone next.
It was NOT what I would have said.
But I don’t control Cathy – and she doesn’t control me. When we get together to co-create, we actively attune ourselves to a space where neither of us is “controlling” or even “leading” in the traditional way.
Co-Creating gives us an opportunity to go places and share experiences that neither of us would do (or even could do) solo.
To do that effectively does mean accepting the lack of control… and staying focused on being curious, aware, responsive, and emphasizing what feels Good in the process.
Co-Creating is a skill. It brings our knowledge, intentions, and desires into contact with those of others. Curiosity supports it’s evolution. A YES-and… attitude keeps it flowing.
Our natural tendency to seek control (or defer and wait to be told what to do) is a pitfall… one that sucks the vitality out of the dance of mutual heartistry.
Cathy and I will be exploring this together. We hope you’ll join us.
Replay is belowA Real Skills Workshop for: Savvy Relating and Engaging
Appreciate You! Our inbox is open!
With love,
Rick & Cathy ~ ThrivingNow
Your Emotional Freedom Coaches
Schedule private sessions here
P.S. Adira says, “I did not get up here by myself. I did not push myself. And while I can be rather insistent, this joy is co-created with my Da-Da (and I share it with you now). I hope you swing happy & free in co-creation today!”
We welcome your insights, ah-ha’s, and sharing. Please! Click [Reply]
Pitfall 1: Self-sacrificing
Pitfall 2: Lack of spaciousness
Pitfall 3: Not sharing your unique (“weird”) ways you like to (and cannot easily) interact when co-creating
[00:00:00] Three Pitfalls to Avoid When Savvy Co-Creating
[00:00:04] This is a real skills workshop. I’m Rick from Thriving Now and I’m delighted to be joined by someone who’s co-created thousands of hours of experiences that have meant so much in my life. Uh, you know, sometimes you don’t really have a name for it until you start doing it.
[00:00:23] And then the name comes to you. And I remember that I, I, I’m not exactly sure about the timeline, but my sense was that you and I had started doing our, our dance. And then I heard Abraham Hicks start talking about co creating. And I was like, Oh, Oh, and we have riffed off of that and worked on that and shared on that.
[00:00:48] And I remember, Cathy, the, uh, the time when someone asks, Which of you guys is in the lead? Which of you guys is the boss here? It’s impossible for us to, for us to figure out what’s going on here. And it reminded me how much, uh, like the hierarchy of creating. Is where most people are. And I think that that’s true.
[00:01:12] Uh, co creating is yet to be viewed and experienced as the juicy experience that you and I know it to be. So this is our offering related to savvy relating, um, particularly like what are the things that, um, people run into that the pitfalls. Yeah, and I think it’s I’m so glad to talk about this because you and I we’ve evolved over time like the very first time I worked with, with Rick, we were doing a call on body freedom with the free yourself program and body guidance and I had heard Rick talk about it a lot, but I had never done a program like this before.
[00:01:50] And I remember I’d shown up with legal pad, one of those long legal pads, uh, front and back of the pages. There were 16 pages for an hour and a half. Because you type them out for me too. And
[00:02:07] I was so nervous, but I wanted to make sure I added enough to. Compensate for all the joy. I feel like Rick brings so much to these calls and we would prep for quite a while at first, and now we’ll get together for about 15, 20 minutes. And 10 of that might be, how’s your life going? What’s going on?
[00:02:25] Because we’re so in tune, but that’s a, that’s something we’ve kind of co-created together too. We co-created the co creation in a way, like how do we work well together? Right. Which is. I think really core to the third point that were the third pitfall. Um, that we’re going to talk about today. This is a co creation.
[00:02:47] If you’re here alive. Thank you. The chat is open. Um, we would if you feel drawn to co-create with us, please know there’s space for that. Um, as you offer questions or your own wisdom or whatever. Thank you. Anything situation drawn? Um, and if you’re watching this on a replay, because this is the second day of fall in the northern hemisphere, and you’re out playing and doing your thing.
[00:03:19] Please know that one of the things Cathy and I love about this technology is that. You can be a active participant three months from now from the live time that we’re doing it. It could be the dead of winter. You’re sitting there with your hot cocoa and you’re listening to this because co creating has become really important to you.
[00:03:40] And an idea comes to you or a question comes to you. There are lots of ways to get that to us in the comments, um, in the video, in an email directly that comes to Cathy and I support it. So, um, with that in mind, what does co creating feel like to you? I think that would be helpful for us to just first put together.
[00:04:06] Yeah, I think that’s really important. And different people have different ways of co creating. I co-create with a lot of people because it’s one of my joys. I feel like you and I are most peer, we’re peer to peer. And there might be a someday where one of us is like, Oh, I don’t have a lot of energy today.
[00:04:22] And the other person takes the lead a little more. Or vice versa, but in general, there’s a very much wanting to be a 50 50 like meeting and blending our ideas and loving the spice that creates when we add in different thoughts, someone else’s thoughts to our own. I just feel like whatever we do together is more comprehensive and more solid and more thought out than if I was just sitting here telling you what I thought or maybe if what Rick was telling you what he thought.
[00:04:51] And there’s other people I co-create with. Um, I guess Rick and I match each other very well, like technically and thoughtfulness. And I also have, um, my friend Monique, who I don’t think she’d mind me sharing this. We work together. She is so good with the experiential stuff. She’s like better than me at that.
[00:05:09] Like bringing in, like, we’re going to actually sit and do this activity together and experience it. And I’m much better at putting the words into like intellectual concrete ways to describe it and bullet points versus just feeling it. Um, so we balance each other in different ways than Rick and I balance each other.
[00:05:26] And I have another friend who brings in humor. I’m not particularly funny. I don’t think he brings in a lot of humor, but he also likes to imagine that he’s top dog all the time, even though I’m kind of directing things, pretty, giving a lot of direction, so I don’t think there’s one. particular way that it looks like, um, for everybody.
[00:05:45] I think it’s what brings us joy. And I do think for people, I imagine people that are attracted to Rick’s calls and my calls, you’re lover types. You’re, you love to create, um, we’re lover magicians. We took an archetype class, uh, test together and the lady’s like, did you copy off of each other? Cause we were so similar.
[00:06:04] We’re like, no, we’re in different states when we took it. Um, but the magician, the transformation, that kind of thing, like what, those kind of people, I think, like to co-create often. And you get to decide what it is that you find the most joy in co creating together and how that, how that blends, how that looks to you.
[00:06:22] Do you have thoughts on that?
[00:06:26] It’s the type of thing that, um, it’s sometimes easier for me to define what it is not, um, because I’ve had so much experience not co creating. So like, um, in school, uh, was not a co creation. The school that I went to it was very top down. You will do this very top down. Um, it didn’t even feel like the teachers often had much space to bring their hardistry in.
[00:06:56] It was a job to be done with certain expectations and outcomes. And, um, I brought my intellectual skill set, which was growing and I made it through and, um. If I, if I take that negative experience, what does it say to me about co creation? Well, if there’s no room for me to bring my artistry to influence what it is that we’re doing, um, then I’m really just bringing my skill to get a job done.
[00:07:31] So if I know there’s an invitation and a willingness that I’m not going to have to always be fighting against, um, which I think is We’re going to touch on some of the pitfalls here. Um, then. I’m showing up as a creative force, not as a worker. I, I’m inside of each of us. If I give you a blank canvas and you get to choose, you don’t even have to use the canvas.
[00:08:06] You don’t have to use crayons or whatever. I don’t know, but maybe I, I have a lot of canvas and I provide you with one and you do something with it. And maybe you say, hey, Why don’t you grab a crayon? I’ve got a paintbrush. You got a crayon. Do you want to, and maybe I’m like, no, what actually appeals to me is how about if you paint and I dance and we treat this as an experience of that.
[00:08:36] And they look at it and go, Oh, I never would have thought of that. That’s a, that’s a clue for me. One of the things I’ve noticed, if, if I look at the arc of all the things that Cathy and I have co-created together, there’s a quality of, oh, I wouldn’t have come up with that all on my own. And to me, that’s one of the signals of co creating is that there is enough space, uh, to do that.
[00:09:07] Yeah. And it is the most, uh, If you took away co creation from my love relationships, from my parenting, from my work, from my client one on one work, like I come to my client one on one work as a co creator. I acknowledge that there’s a space here that we are bringing our energy together and I’m, yeah, as a professional, I’m showing up with all my skills and people are are paying to tap into those skills.
[00:09:41] And one of those skills is, um, I, I bring my, my heartistry and my dance of co creation to it. That is very different from an accountability coach that is there to provide. a quality of external, uh, external mess to help somebody like get back on track. Um, that’s a different energy. Um, I am not attracted to that for myself and I can’t even do it.
[00:10:16] It’s not like I could sell it. My art on canvas and I am not selling, selling that. And so those are some of the things that. Um, that create, um, a unique, thriving lifestyle for me, is this attitude of co creation. I’m avoiding the pitfalls that we’re going to be touching on anything you want to add right there, Cathy, or do you want to start with pitfall number one, I think let’s dive into pitfall number one and people can if you have questions about this, please.
[00:10:53] We love to read. We are co creators and we love to respond to where you’re feeling drawn. So I think that. I like, this one occurs to me as an important one because for so long I lived in this one. Um, I was very, I’m a very shy person, socially especially. I know I don’t necessarily come across that way when we’re, when I’m sharing ideas and I get excited.
[00:11:15] But if I’m just trying to be social, I’m very shy. I’m very quiet, um, until I get to know people. And I think that the pitfall I kept falling into, I’m going to just label it self sacrificing. Because there’s a lot of nuances to it. But overall it was like, I was going to fall on a piece, accommodate other people.
[00:11:33] And I didn’t really even know how to check in with myself. If I liked them or felt that they had a lot of power, a lot of sway in my world. If they said I want to go for Ethiopian food, I’d be like, okay, let’s do that. Now, personally, and in real life, I hate Ethiopian food. It’s the only food I know of that I absolutely abhor.
[00:11:51] I’m Italian. Bread should not be cold, wet, and soggy. I am sorry. Um, and it’s also very spicy. I can’t eat spicy food. So I’ve gone three times, cause I believe in trying something, like maybe it was the restaurant. I have now vetoed any Ethiopian food, but in the past, I would say. Okay, of course, let’s go, and I would be miserable with the food, but I would be hoping I was sustaining the relationship, forgetting that I’m part of the relationship.
[00:12:19] I think, I love that the new culture group talks about there’s two, you know, like however many people, we’ll start with two. There’s two people in a relationship, and then there’s the relationship field between them. And I love the idea of checking in, how is the relationship between us? How is this energy between us?
[00:12:36] But I kept leaving myself out of the equation, and I would sacrifice and give and do what the other person wanted in an attempt to, I thought in my brain I was making it better. I was making it stronger, when I really probably wasn’t. If that makes sense. It does. And self sacrifice, I think, touches the part of us.
[00:13:00] Um, I, when we were syncing for the, for the workshop, we talked about over agreeable. Over generous, over empathetic and what is what I’m an agreeable person like I know that about myself on the tests. I would score very high on agreeableness. What’s over agreeable? Well, Cathy nailed it. It’s out in that area where I’m agreeing without attunement to what is good for me without attunement like so.
[00:13:40] Um, I know, Cathy, that spicy food is not going to work. Um, she bought my, my kid the book, um, uh, Dragons Love Tacos, and the whole storyline is no spice whatsoever. And that’s, you know, um, I know that about her. Um, so that’s a, that’s a clear example where agreeing to go to a place that doesn’t have the concept of non spicy food.
[00:14:10] And you can’t even eat the bread, um, and enjoy it. That falls into the category of that’s not a meal for me. That doesn’t work for me. Um, now something can be in the area of, well, I know myself. That’s not my favorite, but I’ve. I’m okay. That’s it’s not doing harm, but you’re on that edge. And, um, I can, I can feel into the we space that’s that relationship space I refer to as the we space and, and feel into, yeah.
[00:14:44] Um, maybe that’s not optimal for me. It’s not the place I would choose individually. Um, it’s not the place I would necessarily even recommend, but I can say, yeah, I can make that work for me now. If I’m aware of that, then that helps, uh, being over generous, um, you know, in any kind of co creation, there’s always a lot of things that show up.
[00:15:09] If I have good energy and good skills and things like that, I might recognize that there’s a job to be done. There’s trash to empty. There’s a website to, to update or something like that. And I may say, yeah, I’ll do that. No over generous is where, you know, I. In this particular, we space to keep the rest of my life in balance.
[00:15:31] I have, I have certain amount of energy that I’m choosing to bring into it. And if I am doing all of these other things that I can do to be generous to the, we space, maybe I’m not going to get the opportunity to be the creative part. There are certain things that, you know, I can be generous about over generous.
[00:15:52] To me, I think we can all feel it at times when we’ve been, uh, I was over generous. It just, it, it goes out into that realm where you don’t feel good about the yes that you did. The yes is reluctant. It’s a okay. And I, I do believe in co creating. It is not a pitfall to do things that are okay with you. Um, that, yeah, that’s okay.
[00:16:17] Uh, I will talk about that in number two. Um, the inner guidance. Of knowing where’s my edge where it goes out into this is really not good for me It’s harmful even the edge where well, these are things are okay Um and a little bit of it in the rent in the wii space Is to be expected it, it, it’s part of that, um, you know, and then there’s the things that if you know, um, where your sweet spots are, you can attune to that and another over here that I, that I think comes to self sacrifice and Cathy and I, um, we seem to attract people might find themselves in this situation over empathetic.
[00:17:11] Over empathetic says what, Cathy? What do you, when, when you find yourself, oh, what you would call, what you would define as over empathetic, what does that, like, feel like? Where, where’s the pitfall in that? I think when I get there, I’m so focused on the other person’s pain or discomfort or possible issues.
[00:17:35] One of the things I remember, um, that someone I really admire likes, she said, if you want to have a good relationship, you have to be okay with your partner being unhappy sometimes. And I think when I’m over empathetic, it’s like, no, the other person can never be the slightly bit discomforted or unhappy or uncertain about anything because then I failed.
[00:17:54] Um, and there’s like this flailing around versus, oh, we can both be uncomfortable. We both can be uncertain at times. I can say, wow, I said I would do that, but it’s too much or it’s more than I thought it would be. Um, someone I could use that with right now.
[00:18:12] Giving both people the room to be uncertain, uncomfortable, um, um, uneasy, uh, is okay. If we’re treating them as peers versus someone we have to either take care of so that we don’t get hurt, or take care of so they don’t get hurt. Because we don’t think either of us can handle that, and I think that comes from, for me at least, and I, some other people I’ve talked to have said similar, is that, oh, it’s, uh, when we were little, maybe our parent, my mother doesn’t handle dis, uh, conflict very well, which is kind of a meltdown goes on, so, okay, so maybe I learned when I was little, I was too little to know how to handle discomfort, no one was teaching me, and she couldn’t handle discomfort very well, so now I’m painting that onto people now, um, um, um, I love Karen.
[00:19:03] Karen shared. Oh, sorry. I won’t answer. I will say that later or a different way. Um, without names. Um, someone shared, someone else shared, definitely agree with the over empathetic tendency. Um, and someone else shared, a major part of my rehabilitation has been learning new options around the temptation to fix other people.
[00:19:24] And I think that fixing other people. I’m going to fix all your emotions. I’m going to be exactly what you need. So you feel warm and loving and happy and good about yourself. Even if I don’t feel good about you, because then you’ll maybe stay around. Right. And, and using the word rehabilitation, we were all empathetic.
[00:19:46] People often were exposed to those who, um, use that as a, as. Consciously or unconsciously as a way to get their needs met, um, even at our expense. And so part of savvy relating and engaging, which is this series is, okay, I know myself, I can be over empathetic and I know that I’m recovering over over empathetic.
[00:20:12] Um, So how would I deal with this pitfall? Well, we talked about the aspect of being aware, checking in with yourself. Go back to your me space. You know, am I zero to 10? How am I still in my agreeable, generous, empathetic, Sweet spot, or am I outside of that? Um, and if you’re outside of that, having the savvy to communicate that I’m noticing that when we do X, um, I would love to have more of, uh, More influence on the outcome.
[00:20:54] And so if we co-created a little bit, brainstormed a little bit at the beginning, or I feel like, um, I can offer my, my hardest trio, including my, you know, how I respond to what is happening at a place where it can still influence where we go together. Ah, that would feel so much better to me. Um. You know, being presented with something as being done is, uh, doesn’t leave as much space and sometimes that happens.
[00:21:25] Uh, the, the other aspect to me that goes with it is I’m excited. I’m creative and I’m putting it into the Wii space. And I’m noticing that my co creator or co creators are not, um, Uh, they’re not matching my energy. They’re, uh, there’s something off. Now, if, if they have this idea, like, Hey, um, is this, is this a problem?
[00:22:01] I mean, is this not right for you personally? Um, does it do you harm? Does it, um, is, is it something that, um, you’re feeling like you have to sacrifice in order to do that? This is the pitfall. Does this feel like a self sacrifice, or does it feel good for you to put into, into what we’re doing? It may be hard, it may be something that’s going to take a lot of energy.
[00:22:30] If I check in with them, and I give them space to answer, then maybe they can say, well, I wouldn’t have said anything, but… You know, Ethiopian for our meetings is not working for me. I’m having to eat beforehand. I feel left out of the experience of the food. Um, would you be willing to, um, and it also gives you the benefit of them saying.
[00:23:02] No, this is okay. It’s not great. It’s not awesome. It’s not maybe what I would have come up with, or even you and I would have done if we had the time and space to do it side by side and it’s good and sufficient, you know, that’s, um, that to me, uh, if I hear that, that, Oh yeah, no, this works, then I’m getting feedback.
[00:23:25] Um, that allows me to not try to over solve, over, over fix, um, and, and like the, the quality that Cathy was talking about, uh, or that we, we all have been talking about the over empathy, um.
[00:23:50] Like one of the things that life happens. So one of the things that I will sometimes share something like, I got two hours of sleep last night and I didn’t last night, last night. It was more than that. Um, but I have in the past said, I got, I got two hours of sleep last night and I’m really not just. I’m not in sync with the workshop yet.
[00:24:12] And Cathy, because she knows me and we’ve practiced this, we’ll say something like, are you in, would you like me to do the workshop on my own? And. I know that that would not be as joyful because it’s it’s a co creation but it’s it’s a different blend. It’s like I am co creating this Wii space without my my dance partner, um, which is going to be different.
[00:24:47] Um, but often because she’s she’s not assuming that that’s the right answer. I feel her leave space. I feel like She could do it and that’s a relief and like it still brings tears to my eyes like to know someone who’s Can and would and be a yes to step up and do that I feel a recalibration in me and we’re suddenly Co creating where I I have actually access to her strength and now that I know that she’s bringing her strength in Oftentimes it has been no, I’m good Let’s do this.
[00:25:33] And we have.
[00:25:37] So, this kind of communicating around Empathy. It feels like this is a hard time. I, what would you need? What would you like? Is a way of savvily giving them the opportunity, sometimes to vent, sometimes to reveal. We’re going to talk about that in number three. It’s a way of neutralizing and avoiding the pitfall.
[00:26:05] of being over empathetic and then assuming, dropping out of co creating into fixing, solving, um, et cetera. Yeah. Um, so someone shared, um, I have a friend who is hurting and I think I should know how to say, What to say to help them and help them make them feel better. And I think one of the things that I’ve struggled with the most around this particular aspect is having the courage to be with my own discomfort around other people’s discomfort.
[00:26:40] Um, rather than jumping in and trying to fix it. It’s like, oh, Rick had a bad night’s sleep. I can’t actually talk him out of having, being tired. He’s actually tired. And I can have enough space for him. I think the law of attraction, so many people in EFT world have been following law of attraction is like, no, don’t feel the bad thing.
[00:27:01] Go to the good thing. I’m going to talk you into it versus let’s just be with where we are right now, because I do think that a lot of this can be just being with the actual feelings and feeling them for a moment can help them pass very effectively. And then if we do a little tapping on top of it.
[00:27:18] Things shift very quickly, but if we’re denying and pushing away the feeling, we never have the leverage to actually shift things. And I know that when my dad died, someone came to me and said, I just don’t even know what to say to help. I just, can I just sit here with you? That was really profound and very helpful for me in ways that someone, you know, other people came in like he’s with God or like they were, they were trying to talk.
[00:27:46] I felt like. They were trying to offer comfort, but they mostly wanted me to not be discomfortable. They didn’t want me to be in my grief. Um, and so therefore I felt almost like I had to take care of them about my own grief.
[00:28:01] Um, yeah, someone shared, I noticed how Rick and I both check in with each other during the workshops. It felt foreign at first, but now I get how effective that is for you. A great way to deal with real life together. Yeah, it’s like, I can, one of the things I’ve gotten the most, I follow radical honesty. I like some things about it, I don’t like some things I really don’t.
[00:28:18] But I love the fact that. They talk about, like, we can guess what the other person’s feeling. We can imagine. We don’t actually know. So actually saying, Hey, how is this going for you? Or do you have something else to add versus like trying to guess or interpret from people’s expressions on our own? Like, like we all have stories in our heads.
[00:28:37] It’s like, Oh, you looked at me that way. You must be in this versus there’s a million things that could be. So I like the direct asking. Yeah, what do you have to say about this? What do you, what are your thoughts on that? Um, and then just being quiet. I’m feeling drawn as we, as we, um, before we move to number two, to do some tapping on the over.
[00:29:03] Yeah, yeah. Do you want to lead that or? Um, I do feel drawn, if I could. Um, and I recognize that you’re so good at bringing people present with it. Would you be willing to do that? And then I’ll start the tapping. I invite everyone here, if you feel drawn to, to just let yourself come here and now. Notice. The energy, the feeling between us, that there’s a trust and a love and a, um, intention to help each other.
[00:29:35] There’s not a competition in the space. It’s a genuine, I’d like to feel better about myself and get insights, and I’d like other people to as well. And that makes the space a very, very safe and loving space. So if you can let your survival brain relax a little bit, let your body relax a little bit, and just notice You’re here now, like whatever is, whatever you’re noticing is all welcome here.
[00:30:01] Tears, laughter, anger, fear, it’s all welcome. Just let yourself be here and now and we’ll do a little tapping.
[00:30:12] Side of the hand, even though I love to be generous, even though I love to be generous, I accept there is something. That’s called over generous. I accept that there are things that are over generous. Even though I like to be agreeable. Even though I love to be agreeable. Ah. Uh, I’ve noticed at times I’ve been over agreeable.
[00:30:43] I have noticed at times I have been over agreeable. Even though I can’t help but be empathetic. Even though I can’t help but be empathetic. There are times when it leads me certain places. There are times when it leads me certain places. Into the pit of over emph over uh, into the pit of fix. Into the pit of fix.
[00:31:11] I accept myself and all of my natures. I accept myself and all of my natures. They’re part of what I bring to co creating. They’re part of what I bring to co creating. Top of the head. I want to co-create. I want to co-create. Eyebrow. It’s sometimes been not so good for me. It’s sometimes been not so good for me.
[00:31:36] Side of the eye. There are pitfalls. There are pitfalls. Under the eye. It requires some savvy. It requires some savvy. Under the nose. I appreciate I’m exploring that now. I appreciate we’re exploring that now. Jen, I do appreciate we’re exploring that now. I do appreciate that we’re exploring that now.
[00:32:00] Collarbone. I want to be aware of what works for me. I want to be aware of what works for me. Under the arm. It’s okay to do things that are just okay. It’s okay to do things that are just okay. Top of the head. It’s even okay not to always feel great. It’s even okay not to always feel great. And for them to not always feel great.
[00:32:25] For them to not always feel great. Eyebrow. I might even be disappointed. I might even be disappointed. Side of the eye. And what if that’s okay, too? What if that’s okay, too? Not if it’s the whole Wii space. Not if it’s the whole Wii
[00:32:48] space. I want to be aware of my limits. I want to be aware of my limits. Hold on. To communicate them and explore them with my partners. To communicate them and explore them with my partners.
[00:33:12] I accept that this I accept that this is a different kind of dance.
[00:33:23] And again, like most of us have been raised and domesticated, we have to be, to use that great term, rehabbed from hierarchical, like, who’s, who’s in charge? Who’s the decision maker? Um, who’s the boss? Um, we’re, we’re stepping into a different kind of, of, of co we’re co creating something that matters to us.
[00:33:46] Thank you. So, um, yeah. Um, and I, as someone, I was trying to read them while we were tapping and it was hard because I didn’t want to lose anything. Um, it’s very helpful, someone shared, it’s very helpful for me to, as I do suffer from the over fixing, over emphasizing, over saving other people. Got to watch myself all the time.
[00:34:09] Very annoying to me. Um, and I agree. I find myself annoyed. It’s a kind of a knee jerk thing. And yet I know when I tell, when we do calls and I say, please bring all of you. Please bring the fears and the tears and the anger. I sometimes imagine people are pretty touched by that. And other people have shared that it made them feel very welcome.
[00:34:29] And yet in effect, by telling, by fixing that other person, I’m telling them that I don’t want their sadness. I don’t want their frustration. I’m really telling them to just bring their happy self. And then I’ll just bring my happy self and then we’ll be really bored because it’s all us just pretending together and that’s not what I want.
[00:34:47] So I try to remind myself I want them to be able to bring their sadness and their fears and I also try to remind myself that some of my most amazing experiences were when someone invited me to do something and I was like, I really don’t know about this. This is way outside my comfort zone. I don’t think I will like this.
[00:35:07] And they’re like, would you try it with me? And I was like. Okay, I’ll try it with you, but I reserve the right to leave. And they were sometimes those were like magical experiences were like. Who would have thought that I would like this? And then there’s other times like Ethiopian food where I’m like, I knew I didn’t like this and I am now verified I don’t like this.
[00:35:25] But it’s like nothing. It wasn’t the end of the world. I get to go out to dinner. It’s not like the only night I ever got to go out to dinner. It was like, you know, okay, I know something about myself. I will eat almost every food in the known universe, but I’m not going to go for Ethiopian. So, you know, like.
[00:35:44] I think giving ourselves a little grace and this kind of flows into the next thing, spaciousness about like our emotions and our reactions, it lets people just have more fun, I think. So do you want to go into number two? Spaciousness. Lack of it would be a pitfall. And what do I mean by that? If you invite me to create a piece of art with you.
[00:36:11] Um, and you take the canvas and you’ve already, um, drawn outlines everywhere, uh, in pencil. And as I look at the canvas, uh, I’m like, Oh, uh, is this paint by numbers? Um, which I can actually, which would actually be fine for me. Uh, I used to love paint by numbers. Um, but there’s no spaciousness. If, if somebody is inviting me to co-create with them, um, for me, a, a pitfall is if they have a very, um, distinct, rigid vision that encompasses the whole project.
[00:37:01] Or the whole endeavor. Um, I may choose to be of service to a vision or a mission or something like that, where somebody has such a clear idea, and I’m going there offering some skill and energy, but I don’t actually. That doesn’t fit into what I call co creating. In fact, if I think I’m a co creator, but there’s no room in the project for flexibility, this is the way this table, these are the way the tables will be laid out.
[00:37:36] This is the way that the silverware will be. This is what we’re serving. This is, I can relax. Okay. This is me being of service to a vision. But if, if somebody’s needing that control. I, um, need to actually turn off a part of me that is the co creator. And that’s a lot harder if we started down the path of co creating.
[00:38:08] And suddenly the controlling dominating, I need it to be this way, my way is perfect, your way sucks, or mine, arises like, no, I need it to feel this way and I need the music to be this and I need us to have this. Outline and stay true to it and not go off on any directions. Um, there is, there’s nothing wrong with having structure, but it could be that within a structure, there’s an area like, um, and sometimes people who are visionaries or, or structural engineering oriented people may recognize that I, I want a co creator that can take, like Cathy was describing.
[00:38:56] Um, where. They can take what they hear from me and turn it into words that might go into an email. And I want to co-create that, but I’m not in control. I’m looking for something that I feel in my heart as a yes, but it may be just something that is good and sufficient. Where for them, it’s like, I love what I’m saying here.
[00:39:19] Um, so that the lack of spaciousness would be an indicator to me that this is, this is. Either turned into or never was a co creation. Does that fit your, what you often have noticed, like when you bang into controlling energy? Um, I, yeah, I don’t feel like there’s, and I think there’s degrees of it. There’s people that they want a lot of control, but there’s enough room for me to.
[00:39:53] Dance with what they’re doing, or it’s juicy enough that I’m willing to do that. Um, I think of people that are very scared or, um, I think actually it’s often fear, maybe some anger that people try to control everything that happens. I imagine my mother often has a script written for how things should go.
[00:40:13] So like. Christmas. I brought a friend with me and we were just enjoying. We worked hard all week. We drove all the way up. We were like lollygagging in our PJs and it was like 10 o’clock and my mother’s idea of what Christmas should look like. was that we were all dressed in nice clothes. She didn’t come to us and say, I would really appreciate it if you put on, you know, put on some, you know, got your, got dressed for the day now.
[00:40:40] She came in and kind of like, I can’t believe like you are not dressed, like we weren’t following the script that she had in her head that hadn’t been shared. And we were adults, we’re in our 30s. Um, and I just felt like very, like I felt very kind of ashamed and attacked for that. And my friend was like, We stay in our PJ’s all day on Christmas.
[00:40:59] That’s our thing. And I’m like, I guess we better go change, but there wasn’t any room for me to say, Hey, I’m enjoying meeting my PJ’s and is it okay if we get, I could just, before we actually sit down for food at, you know, 10, 1230 or whatever, it was just like, this is what shall be, um, this is the right way.
[00:41:17] And I don’t think there’s any room for co creation in that space. That’s, it’s been dictated. And if that person has the power to enforce it, it’s just going to be what you. Either comply or get out, basically, or cause a big fight. There’s not room to discover together what is fun and delightful. And because we’re human and we bring our, our personalities and our experiences, um, there are people that feel like they want to co-create.
[00:41:47] Um, and having a dialogue about, um, control, um, or where there’s going to be room for, um, off script. Without causing distress. So if you have this idea of, um, okay, it’s a pitfall. And if I’m going to be savvy co creating with this person, I’m likely going to benefit a lot if I find out. Like, do you have a script in mind about how things are supposed to go?
[00:42:29] Now, some people will say, yes, and here it is. And now you can know that you are with somebody who has a script in mind. If they say, well, I just love winging it and it just, life seems to work out for me. If you’re a script oriented person, or you would need at least the, the head bullet points, um, that may be really uncomfortable, because they may resist putting any milestones down, or, um, you know, things that sync up.
[00:43:07] Um, we’re human, we cover a vast spectrum here. Um, sometimes my co creation is, I can see a project, um, I’m a mix of those. I like some structure. Um, we do have the three bullet points, the three pitfalls, um, and there’s lots of spaciousness, right? So, um, finding that out is going to help you decide, um, and no, like what’s decided in the, in the mind of someone else, and then the savvy part is, well, I hear you and, um, uh, I, I can feel that that.
[00:43:51] Feels and sounds right to you. If for me as a co creator, um, like in this area, I would like the spaciousness to be able to explore that with you, does that work for you? And if you notice a lot of resistance, it may be that, um, co creation is not what they’re looking for. They’re looking for you to use your skill and energy to create what they have in mind.
[00:44:19] Um, and. That’s, again, along a spectrum, we often hit that. If you hit it midstream, you hit the pitfall. Like, oh, I don’t feel like there’s any space. Um, asking the co creator, what makes this important to you? That it go this way or be this way. That’ll at least give you information. And if we go back to being overly agreeable, um, I know that if something is really precious to my co creator, And it’s okay with me.
[00:44:58] I have, I have some ability, some savvy skill to be able to say, yeah, okay. But usually not if I feel that intuition that I want to be a contributor and it feels like they’re, they’re being rigid. Like, we’re this WeSpace, I want to co-create, and this feels rigid to me. If you’re going to be rigid about something, I, I benefit from knowing what makes that really, truly important to you.
[00:45:33] Yeah, um, yeah, I have a, I have a thing where I’m very pragmatic and when I’ve been working on a project with someone else, and he’s a graphic artist as a background. And so he really cares about the spacing and the color. And I’m like, is it organized? Is it conveying it really well? Like, I don’t care if one thing is a couple millimeters difference or the one is bolded and one isn’t.
[00:45:57] If I missed a bold, I’m not panicking, but that’s very, very important to him. And I noticed when I’m picking colors now, I just kind of collapse. I’m like, whatever I pick will be wrong. I’m not, I don’t just, and then he’s like, why didn’t you bold everything? I’m like, cause you’re going to complain about it anyway.
[00:46:11] It’s like, there’s that kind of like you’re controlling so rigidly that. There’s no room for me, like it must be your way. And the other, other areas of the project, I’m allowed to be very creative. We there’s room for my creation, but I do notice around the design of the slides, I just filling. Whatever I do will be wrong.
[00:46:30] And it just takes the juice out of it for me. It’s like, there’s that thought in my head as I’m going forward. Um, that you just, you just body image that whole thing for us. Thank you very much. Because the collapse, the heaviness for a co creator that’s in it. If your body goes, Oh, you know, that’s a clue to you that this is not, this is no longer that part of it, at least is not a co creation and, um, and.
[00:46:59] There are at least a dozen ways that we can go about that. One of that is just like, okay, I recognize that this is the, this is the least co creative part of this. So my contribution here is not to, uh, what, and you just, you recalibrate to that part of it being something that is just not going to be the fun part.
[00:47:26] You can also be like, Hey. Um, for me to do this, uh, in this form and then have to spend hours making it rigidly right for you, does not, that actually goes off into, I would not spend my life doing that. It’s out in that, um, uh, Hell no, and twice on Tuesday. Like, I don’t do that. And, so help me, let’s co-create a solution.
[00:47:58] It could be that I give you the raw materials in a completely different form. You know, a Word doc. You’re the one who’s going to cut, paste, and bold. I am not doing that. Yeah, um,
[00:48:17] it’s not, um, It’s not a failure. I will say this. It’s not a failure to run up against these things. To me, and since co creation is, uh, a real challenge for humans, um, that expecting to run into these things, um, is one of those helpfulnesses. If I expect that I’m going to run into things that just aren’t, like, they don’t feel good, then here, my tapping is like this.
[00:48:52] Even though there are going to be things here that don’t feel great to me. Even though there are going to be things here that don’t feel great for me. I need to speak up if it does me harm. I do need to speak up if it does me harm. I do need to speak up if… I do need to speak up if it’s stepping on my toes too hard.
[00:49:14] Uh huh. Or I’m gonna resent the person forever.
[00:49:20] I don’t want to resent them forever. Or it’s, you know, putting poop in the soup. I don’t want to put poop in the soup. There might be things that are okay. There might be things that are okay. Top of the head. I, I’m leaving my perfectionism in the trunk of the car. I’m leaving my perfectionism in the trunk of the car.
[00:49:45] Eyebrow. I’m not in control here. I’m not in control here. Side of the eye. I’m an important participant. I’m an important participant. I’m a co creator. I’m a co creator. Under the nose. That’s what I’m here for. That’s what I’m here for. I get to say no. I get to say no. And it’s okay to say okay. And it’s okay to say okay.
[00:50:18] As long as overall it feels like a co creation to my, my being. As long as it feels like it’s a co creation to my being.
[00:50:30] And again, like if I’m going in to be of service, then I need to know that what I’m doing is of service, and it’s useful, and it fits what matters to me. That’s if it’s co creating, I want that juicy. Uh, and you use that term a lot with this Cathy. And it’s true for me, there’s a quality of juiciness, um, sweetness.
[00:50:54] Ooh, ah, I got to you, you, you did something there that really activated me in a way that took us in a new place that interweaving of.
[00:51:10] Our gifts and the support of each other’s gaps and yes, um, and I’m the one who got to paste the word document that was improperly formatted into the email service because that’s a skill I’ve got that I wouldn’t, you know, you couldn’t pay me to do that. I’m not for sale to do that, but in the interest of co creating with something that that’s One of the things like emptying the trash or, you know, making sure the outhouse has some paper, um, we do.
[00:51:49] Yeah. Sometimes it’s part of the deal. And it is definitely okay to say, I don’t want to do this anymore. You can now, you may choose to continue to do this. When I, I believe that with co creators, it’s like, I don’t want to do, I don’t want to do this anymore. That’s an opportunity to have an exploration. I don’t want to do this anymore.
[00:52:13] It could lead to, and who’s going to do it? Do we end this? Or like, who is going to do this? And there’s like, I am not going to be doing this anymore. more. I’m unwilling to do all of it anymore. Um, the reason I offer these gradations is not because any one of them is preferable, but if you’re savvy, it means your primitive brain isn’t like,
[00:52:45] that’s a boundary. Great. I love it. Thank you. You’re really clear. Um, That’s in the boundary setting by the primitive brain. The part that’s savvy is, I’m aware that there’s a spectrum of answers that I could give here. I’m clear, I really don’t want to do this anymore. Okay, am I unwilling to do it anymore?
[00:53:09] Am I, am I aware of the consequences? And still I’m very clear. Um, am I probably going to do it and resent it? You know, if I need to continue to do this, I will resent this project and, or be looking for a way out. That’s a communication. Um, my primitive brain is not that savvy. It tends to be black and white.
[00:53:36] So if in our relating and co creating you’re in black and white, that, um, is my bonus pitfall, um, black and white approaches, um, are useful because they speak to a part of me feels like harm is being done, that this is a threat. This needs to have my primitive brain involved. I need to run. I need to fight.
[00:54:00] I need to free. I froze, uh, That’s a, that’s a pitfall that if you find yourself in, a savvy way out of it is to look for what is really true for me and what are some. Gradiations of that. Would you like to take a seven minute break anything?
[00:54:22] We take a break for integration for you to be in your yes and also to move back into your me space for a moment You’re welcome to share in the chat during the break. Um, and if you’re watching the video, uh, Great to have you with us and we invite you to take a break as well Um, so yeah, i’ll go ahead and pause the recording.
[00:54:47] Welcome back And I’m guessing that you can tell that Cathy and I really enjoy this. Um, and if you, if you haven’t had a chance to co-create, um, there’s a, an invitation to think in terms of, uh, Uh, a smaller container, something that, um, even just putting the term, Hey, would you like to co-create a walk together?
[00:55:17] What, what do you mean? Well, like we’ll each offer something. We’ll each, um, uh, bring something. We’ll each have an idea or what would you want to offer? Um, how about a meal together? co-create it. What does that mean to you? And it gives you an answer, an opportunity to. Explore what that is. Um, my family and I are going to be going out to dinner tonight and with most family situations like what are you going to eat when etc.
[00:55:54] Um, there’s a quality of, uh, challenge to that, um, oftentimes people get decision fatigue at the executive function of our brain, uh, has limits. Guess what? Um, if you’re trying to, um, Decide for other people. That’s the best way to get exhausted so fast. I know. Um, especially if you’re empathetic, you know, you could like some, some people, uh, uh, are not.
[00:56:28] And when they cook, there’s like, this is what we’re having for dinner. No executive fatigue whatsoever. They decided everyone eats it and is grateful or else. Um, that was. Me, my family growing up, um, in our case, co creating was, you know, I, I don’t want my partner to be over agreeable. So we started exploring what the container was, what are the things?
[00:56:55] And I was able to share like these things don’t feel like they’ll work for me after my nap, guess what? They changed and I, I shared that, um, but I’m, I’m leaving spaciousness, I’m leaving spaciousness for my other adult, um, my, my partner and also a co parent to feel into what’s right for them and then she explored with the kids.
[00:57:22] And their enthusiasm has influenced us. We’re going to pick up sushi. We’re going to go to the bird sanctuary. We’re going to eat it. And, um, uh, I’m usually the one that orders it. She stepped up to order it during the workshop. So it will be ready for us. Um, that to me feels like a co creation of a meal together.
[00:57:48] Um, and, and sometimes I’m co creating with the energetics and the spirit of the people I care about. I’m offering the best I can, but I’m remaining as flexible as I can also, without, um, becoming that resentful and the like. Um, co creating as an, as a thriving attitude, something that you, you choose if you want, if it feels right to you, to include as part of your hardistry.
[00:58:18] That’s awkward. Uh, as, as, um, beginner, as you may feel, um, if, if you try on, like, what if I’m a, a co creator, what if I want to offer that into a Wii space or some Wii spaces, not with everyone, not for all purposes, but to look at that, um, I have noticed that that attitude changes. Um, my energy around the things, it makes me less of a fixer because I’m not holding the responsibility for everyone, liking what I chose or being able to even stomach it.
[00:58:56] Well, they all contributed to the creation of it. So it’s all, everybody’s invested versus you picked a bad restaurant. Why did you do that? It’s like, and I love it. Came up with something that is different than just going to a restaurant. Like together, you came up with something even more fun. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:59:13] And that, and that give and take of is not a compromise. It is looking for the yes. Yes. Um, it is looking for, and sometimes the yes, yes is one person or the three of them are like, yes, I want to eat at the bird sanctuary. Like right now, um, as the driver, who’s going to find a spot and things like that. I’m like, I can do that.
[00:59:40] I can facilitate that. I can be solid enough knowing that if we arrive and there’s no place to park, I can let my family off and go find someplace else to park and walk. I can do that. I feel boosted by the time that we’re spending together. I’ve got more resource. Now, if that was not true, it is on me as a co creator.
[01:00:00] To say, um, this is something I feel could be an edge for me if we arrive and there’s no parking space. I don’t have the resource to deal with that other than to turn and go someplace else. Can you come up with some other options? Could be like, yeah. We’ll just come home.
[01:00:22] The kids want us to go to ice cream. I don’t know, but we’re leaving it as a possibility where we expect as them being co creators, um, they’ve gotten to speak to what they would like to have happen. And it may not be a yes for the two parents. If it’s not, they will probably be disappointed. Um, they may cry.
[01:00:47] There may be a lot of things. They may be cool with it, because we do have little pops at home, you know. They might tell you you’re a bad dad dad, bad mama, but you’re… Right. Sometimes… Yeah. So anyway, we are on number three, which is, uh, not sharing our weird dynamics. And I just shared a weird dynamic in my family.
[01:01:10] I mean, like, wow, that feels really complicated, but it’s a, it’s been such a good dance. And we did it this morning about where we are going to go to walk. And if we were going to go to a walk, it’s not as clear as having somebody as the head of the family, like, but
[01:01:31] what does that mean? That’s, that feels very archaic to me compared to co creating since I’ve been practicing that. I like the fact that you’re more egalitarian and you’re like, because in my, in my family, growing up, my dad had his chair, you were allowed to sit into it, in it, but if he was, came in the room, you had to get up and move.
[01:01:50] He decided, like, he was the final decider. Many, many things. And it didn’t always leave me feeling like what I wanted mattered. And I like the fact that your kids feel equally important. In fact, Adira, because she’s so cute and gets away with it. Um, she’s like, she feels
[01:02:11] Are your great parents. She does. I think sometimes she does feel like what she wants is what should happen. Um, and she’s three, two. The co creative parts of her are coming online and they will be and the same for all of us. I’m a lot older than her and the co creative parts of me are still coming online.
[01:02:35] Um, I’ve been inspired by what some of the people have been doing on the thriving now. center art with friends. I’m not even attending the art with friends get togethers, but I get to, um, watch them sharing. And what’s interesting is like, I shared some of my AI art, um, within their. Their container and I checked in with them.
[01:03:02] How do you all feel about this? And I got encouragement back. I would want if they wanted a container that included only the people there and the rest could be observers, but not participants. That’s okay. We get to tune our Wii spaces. Um, and that’s where some of the weirdness and realness comes in. Um, if you, if you, uh, you said it, Cathy, um, there can be pretending.
[01:03:33] And to me that there’s lots of social constructs where I can find myself pretending. I wouldn’t consider that savvy co creating. It’s maybe savvy pretending, um, but it’s pretending. And again, the pitfall is people thinking if, if, if I were to think that I can go into co creating and get to hide my quirks.
[01:04:01] Sorry. Um, it, it is. It is not, uh, not where it’s going to end up, uh, because when we’re co creating, we’re deeper and we’re closer, the dance is different. And as was said in the chat, it honest communication is a major action part of all three, uh, pitfalls. Yeah. Um, Savvy communication, and savvy communication with ourselves, savvy communication with the other people.
[01:04:35] And again, like savvy communication doesn’t mean that everyone’s going to be happy with it. Please, when I use that term, it doesn’t mean that everything works out okay. It can be, we’re clear that we cannot be co creators together. Or on certain things. Correct. Go ahead. Um, I just think the more we can share, like I used to pretend, if I’m pretending, the other person’s pretending to me it’s plastic to plastic.
[01:05:06] Um, and that’s just, there’s not any, there’s nothing to connect to. It’s just like shallow versus shallow. And it’s like, and I, I have people that I hang out with at work that it’s like, Oh, how was your weekend? Oh, it was fine. How are your kids? Oh, everything’s good. And that’s fine for just a routine, like we’re passing in the hall kind of thing, but it’s not what I want for real getting to know, like, and sometimes we have to share like, Oh, that really sucked.
[01:05:34] Or I didn’t like how I did that. Or I’m noticing I’m feeling really tense when you talk about the subject, like sharing what is actually. we’re actually experiencing can be really powerful and very impactful in terms of letting people actually connect with each other and actually dance. And so this one friend that keeps dumping stuff on me, I think I need to have a conversation.
[01:05:57] Like I’m feeling really kind of taken advantage. You know, kind of taken for granted and you’re I know I’ve helped out in a lot in the past, but I don’t feel like there’s any asking it. There’s a lot of assumption and I have already had a conversation about I’d like to be more peer to peer versus you top dog and me directing things and actually contributing a lot and influencing it.
[01:06:17] But I’m having to pretend around his. Um, and I will have that conversation with him, but right now it’s not feeling really juicy to me. And I could just keep doing it until I just gave, got fed up and went away. Or my resentment came out and kind of toxified the relationship. Or I can say, hey, This is just not, you know, this doesn’t feel delightful to me.
[01:06:40] This I’d really like this and this and this I’m noticing when the, when you use that tone or that, um, energy, or you just kind of tell me what to do. I don’t like that. I, it makes me mad. So I can tell if I can tell him that, or in some approximation of that, there’s room for him to. Perhaps and, um, adjust or maybe he won’t adjust and I have to decide if I want to keep dancing with that.
[01:07:07] So, um, I do think the more we can share who we are authentically. So there’s, I do think that a lot of times we are afraid humans are afraid of being authentically close to each other. And we will sometimes over generously give to try to mask out any feelings and also to avoid our own feelings. Or we’ll try to control too much to try to avoid our own feelings or prevent the other person from feeling something we don’t want to have.
[01:07:33] Versus, can we be right here right now and like, just take a breath and notice, I’m noticing my butt’s a little sore because I didn’t get up during our break and I’m a little frustrated because I planned to take the trash out and I got distracted. Um, but I’m really enjoying the flow and I’m so delighted that I get to buy Rick and the family dinner tonight.
[01:07:52] Like, there’s a lot. I don’t have to share everything because it would be really weird. Boring after a while, but like, we can share, like, I’m noticing when, when you smile at me, I feel so happy. And I’m noticing that sometimes when you concentrate, you for your brow and get kind of your shoulders kind of hunched when it’s hard.
[01:08:08] And I make it mean that I’m not doing a good job that I should be cheering you up versus maybe that’s how you concentrate. So I’m going to say it out loud and ask, Hey, I’m noticing, I think this, what do you actually experience when you’re like, you know, or whatever. And then we can. We can have a dialogue about that we can start to clear things up and it might be that because I’m noticing that making up stories maybe I’m leaning like maybe I’m doing something to the I’m reacting to a reaction in a way that causes some of the reaction, if that makes sense.
[01:08:42] And by talking about it, we can clear that up.
[01:08:48] Yeah.
[01:08:53] So,
[01:08:57] this pitfall is
[01:09:04] a sense in ourselves. About like where we are in freedom to share what matters to us. We did a lot of work together as a community on be what matters. And if I, whether I speak it or not. If I’m in, about to enter a co creation or I’m in a co creation and I don’t feel like I can share what matters to me here, what brings me to the co creating.
[01:09:41] Um, I don’t know. All I know is the resistance. I don’t know whether the resistance is fear. Uh, it instinctual awareness about safety. It could be, um, what I have resilience for could be the way that the person has interacted with me in the past says, um, it might be dismissive, um, we can co-create with people that we don’t necessarily share.
[01:10:17] everything with or that we might realize. Um,
[01:10:25] so this is that the savvy part to me, and I may be utterly wrong, but when people talk about honest communication, um, I have noticed, for example, that I may have something that, um, if, if I tune into it, um, I know that There’s something off, um, from where I would like it to be.
[01:10:57] I want to, to be able to communicate that to me. For example, um, there are situations that feel just very business like that are not very appreciative.
[01:11:14] I’ve been in situations like that. It’s been a while, but I, as I put myself into that situation, um,
[01:11:24] I can be aware that I am not getting appreciation from a person or a. A process, even though I’m actually co creating. If I’m honest about that with myself, I’m like, oh, I’m not feeling appreciated.
[01:11:43] If I can tell another person, if I’ve cultivated a relationship with anyone where I could share with Cathy, hey, In this situation, I’m, I’m just not feeling appreciated right now, and she can hear that. And maybe she’s tracking me because we’re co creators. She’s tracking me, say, well, I appreciate that you’re doing this work in the world.
[01:12:02] I know how much it matters to you.
[01:12:08] I may not get appreciation from them, but if there’s someone who knows my heart and, and can reflect. They’re, they’re knowing of me. I may not need to speak up to that group. Like, I feel unappreciated, or would you be willing to appreciate me for the, all the work I put in over the weekend? I want to be free and have.
[01:12:37] done that. And I have. I’ve asked for appreciation from my family. I’ve asked it from friends. I’ve asked it from clients. Um, I’ve set up ways that I can be appreciated. Um, but there are situations where the honest truth is that my censors are not saying This is useful, or good for me, or good for the Wii space, or there’s not space in the Wii space, the spaciousness when it comes.
[01:13:05] My mind is welcome, but some of my emotions may not be. My technical skill is celebrated, but not the man and what. Um, we can, I have still been able to co-create with that as long as, um, I get to share more of my weird dynamics, um, with at least someone and myself. Um, so there’s that gradient and truly the, one of the reasons you see me show up.
[01:13:38] And Cathy show up in my world over and over and over again for a long time with no one with every intention of that continuing is that she knows what I’m emotionally allergic to right like she knows in my emotional world. What would be like? Oh, it would be really, really hard and dysregulating for Rick if I attacked his.
[01:14:03] Him as a person if I called him names You know if I dysregulated and like you’re ruining my life like I that would be really i’m allergic to it It doesn’t mean it’s going to kill me, but i’m allergic to it. Um being personally attacked Um, I hold we spaces where personal attacks. Sorry um, you know if you share your art on the center if somebody comes in and ridicules it they are Going to be frozen and talk to and maybe eliminated because that’s my Wii space and part of the reason I create, co-create that with people who are sharing their art is that we have this sense that safety and respect and a quality of celebration.
[01:14:54] of our expression of vulnerability is good. It’s right. It’s juicy. And even if there are only three of us that do it, it still matters. Um, you know, if that makes sense. And I’m weird that way. You know, I’m weird that way. Oh, and I love that we get to share back and forth. I think someone asked, um, One thing, someone said it takes a lot of courage to ask for appreciation.
[01:15:21] And I think Rick does model that really as a gentle courage of asking for that. And I’ve actually started to ask people, like, Hey, I’m feeling a little down today, would you tell me something you appreciate about me? Or… Um, there’s a game that, uh, Reid Mihalko in, I think it’s from Landmark, but he shares it a lot, is like, would you like to play the appreciation game with me?
[01:15:42] And the person says, sure, if they want to. And then you say, I’d like to be appreciated for this specifically. And they just repeat the words back with heartfelt, And it feels sometimes really, really lovely. Um, and someone else shared, I have a lot of, I find a lot of people think honest communication means saying anything you want, any way you want.
[01:16:01] And then they’ll say, I’m sorry, I hurt your feelings, but it was just being honest. It’s very relevant to this conversation because if you notice when I’m talking about being honest, I’m sharing, I, what I feel. So I can share what I think, what I notice or experience in the world, or what I feel, um, and I can imagine about other people.
[01:16:23] So I imagine the way that Rick is looking at me right now. He’s quite attentive and paying attention. I don’t actually know. He could be thinking about what kind of sushi he’s going to order, like, or whether they get ice cream or not. Like, we don’t know. We can, we can make an educated guess knowing on the, knowing the person.
[01:16:39] I know he’s It’s usually very attentive on these calls. So I imagine he’s actually paying attention. But when we tell other people about themselves, we really shut down the dialogue. So I used to do this a lot. Oh, you look so tired. Oh, as opposed to Oh, I noticed that there’s some your eyes are a little bit puffy and that there’s a little bit of darkness.
[01:17:01] Are you imagining you feel tired? Do you want to share about that? It might be something else and different. We can share about something we notice about them. Specifically, I noticed Rick is wearing a maroon shirt. I think that looks very good on him. Um, that’s my judgment. So separating truth from judgment is very, very important.
[01:17:22] And I think very few people do this. So my judgment is that, you know, I like orchids. The orchids are pretty. I judge they look pretty. Other people may not like them. So, separating what is true, I notice Rick is wearing a maroon shirt. We’ve all kind of agreed on that. Frequency of color is maroon. As a collective society, I can say that.
[01:17:45] I notice he’s wearing that, and I judge it looks good on him. Versus, or I imagine that he’s paying attention to this conversation. Separating what we actually know is true versus our judgment of the thing is very powerful. And I think too many people take the judgment of like, Oh, I’m going to be honest and say that shirt looks horrible on you.
[01:18:05] And I’m just using an example because I actually like that shirt on. And you didn’t, you know, like I spew my thoughts on that other person as a truth versus, Wow, my head’s making up a lot of stories about these things. And I can share those stories. But I make them, I acknowledge their stories. So just like I’m making up a story that Rick is being very attentive because of the way he’s holding his face and the way he’s like closed his eyes.
[01:18:34] That’s my story. And he gets to fill in. Then there’s spaciousness for him to be who he is versus him following my story or judgment. Does that make sense? So I think that’s a really good question. I think it’s very important. Too many people use being honest as a way to bludgeon other people with their judgment versus I am going to share what I’m, you know, I’m going to share the things that are hard for me to share.
[01:19:04] I’m noticing I feel a little insecure right now because I’m worrying that I went into this topic too long or whatever that there’s spaciousness there. Now we can connect versus shutting things down and telling people how they are. That’s judgment smacking other people in my head. Sounds like an interesting topic for a real skills workshop on savvy relating and engaging.
[01:19:28] I would be really. And you and you hit it there. And with this pitfall of, we, we want to know, with our co creators, um, their weird dynamics.
[01:19:48] And there’s a quality in the dance of right distance, right depth. And if somebody is being honest, that’s their interpretation, that they’re being honest.
[01:20:12] I want to be weird enough to take a step back and say, Are they in reaction? Are they, does this feel more like a judgment and a criticism because they’d like me or the world to be different? Or is it, um, are they sharing what I need to know about them and how we’re relating in order to dance well together?
[01:20:42] I hate your perfume. It makes me want to vomit. Um, I’m sorry. I hurt your feelings. Um, well, if I’m dancing with somebody, I do want to know that they have a visceral. disgust at the perfume I wear. It may be that I stop wearing perfume because I want to dance with this person. Thank you for giving me the information that I need to navigate.
[01:21:08] I will keep further distance from you. This scent is right for me, or I hear you and when we’re around, I will, I will seek not to wear that. Um, it’s actually an essential oil of lavender, which I find very calming. It helps nerve. It’s helped my, ah, it’s disgusting. You know, Do you hear what I say? Like we get into a dynamic of disgusting versus not disgusting.
[01:21:32] And if I can share Yes. And, and just to be aware of the spaciousness we, yeah. We want to be true to our time. Yeah. So one of the things I’ve noticed, I’ve, as I’ve gotten older, gotten more and more sensitive to set strong sense. And versus, like, sometimes I just think they’re so overpowering. They hurt.
[01:21:51] They like, I don’t like the smell, but I’ve taken this. Yeah. My eyes are literally like my eyes are burning and watering. When I get close to you, my lungs feel like they’re tightening up. I’m having a reaction to your, like, it’s a physical thing, something someone could actually look and see. I’m having a reaction to your scent.
[01:22:11] Could you not wear something that’s. Could you not wear scent around me? Um, I really want to be comfortable and relaxed with you. It’s a, it’s a request mixed with a sharing, but um, it’s, it’s, when we’re sharing the details, disgust feels like judgment versus My eyes are watering, my nose is clogging up, my lungs feel like I’m having trouble breathing, and I know that I’m very sensitive to scents.
[01:22:36] This one seems to bother me, could you not wear it? It gives a little bit, um, less reaction, I think, than disgusting, if that makes sense. And we still may get the information, um, that the person feels like that sharing is controlling and you’re trying to limit them and the like people can have AB reactions to even that savvy kind of sharing Cathy and I want to stand and practice and be with the dance of seeking out imperfectly savvy ways of being with each other.
[01:23:12] I appreciate that. Knowing that Cathy is practiced that if there’s something that really is, um, a challenge for us, or even a little challenge for us, um, she’s consistently shown up with that exactly that kind of attitude. This is what happens inside of me. Are you open to adapting? Um, are you able to adapt?
[01:23:35] Um, and. Opening up a dialogue and some people are not co creators, they’re fighting for energy and control and their idea of freedom is as much me space. I want my me space to take up everything. So there’s not much spaciousness for we and that’s okay. We’re not going to change all of humanity at once.
[01:23:59] But as we share these concepts of, um, co creating and a we space. And can we create a little more spaciousness for what each of us want to want to bring? In fact, I really want to hear from you and share with you what I want to bring, what matters to me in this co creating. When we do that, um, it doesn’t mean there won’t be disagreements or hurt feelings or things that we have to tap on.
[01:24:27] Um, it does mean to me that, um, We have an opportunity to get to know someone’s deeper being because we’re setting the tone of hey, we’re in this Wii space and we’re cultivating it and wow, I love the flowers you brought. Do you like the sofa that I brought? Um, how about this music? How about this art? How about this artistry?
[01:24:56] Um, thank you for being a part of our community. Um, it matters to us to have co creators, uh, uh, Are interested in this too. That’s very exciting. I love the questions and the shares. Thank you all. We hope this helps you be a little more authentic in your creating and having savvy fun creating with other people.
[01:25:15] So thanks so much.
Great to have you on this journey with us!
AI says: here are the top 9 takeaways from the workshop for someone desiring to be a savvy co-creator:
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Remember that co-creation is a dynamic process that requires ongoing communication, self-awareness, and adaptability. By keeping these takeaways in mind, you can become a more effective and savvy co-creator.