Discernment…
I revealed something about what I wanted for the garage the other day to my partner. In doing so, it is true that I was being authentic.
I was also being really unsavvy.
Savvy in the sense that when we DO know someone, we can grok what overwhelms them, what their capacity is for engagement around certain subjects, and their willingness and skill.
And their safety.
My Nature is for things to have “a place.” I want to steward spaces and things, and things without a “place” and without a usefulness feel to me like a frozen fish on the counter where no one seems to want to eat fish! It’s just going to “go bad” and then what?!?
I want to be known, but revealing everything or expressing myself in a moment doesn’t NECESSARILY lead to more closeness, intimacy, empathy, or what we want.
“Say what isn’t being said.” Ok. But there are 10,000 things not being said. Which of those do I say? How do I have candid conversations without harming (even if temporarily) the connection?
Dang, I come back to imperfectionism and discernment once again.
My deepest relationships are a “risk” – and so worth it. It’s true that talking about stuff in the garage when my partner has 100 obviously higher priority things on her mind and heart was me speaking from my pain and discomfort… which is (often) painful and uncomfortableness SHARED when one does that.
I mean, dang, Adira is uncensored. When she’s upset about something, she shrieks it. Talk about discomfort now SHARED. I continue to work on my inner wiring so I can be more neurologically calm at such times… there’s improvement… but we all kinda know that a baby / toddler shrieking is definitely AUTHENTIC and in this case the Courage needs to come from those around them. Or at least it seems that way to me…
I do want people who over the course of many moons get to know me, and I get to know them. We can then navigate from deeper compassion and understanding. We intentionally co-create times and spaces for sharing of deeper feelings, needs, and discomforts where that space can be “held” without washing away the connection.
Toddlers don’t get that. Emotional toddlers (even decades after diapers) don’t get that, either.
Context by context, expanding our resilience so the risk is a bit of discomfort and not the destruction of our self-worth or psyche… that’s the kind of strengthening that does take courage, practice, and real skill.
Love to us all, ~Rick