What a challenging situation, @gibbysan – I’ve been there. It’s a common topic in private sessions as well.
With some alcoholics, we can be honest. “When you’re sober, the person you are is someone I can enjoy being with. When you are not sober, we really do not connect and relate in ways that are a YES for me. Are there times of the day and week where you really are sober and can gladly stay that was for an hour or two we might enjoy time together?”
It’s honest. It’s a Better Boundary in my opinion. It says the sober version we have a friendship with. The drunk version we do not.
I’ve said this to people who microdose psychedelics in a way that impacts my capacity to connect to them – even if it might help them feel more connected to me!
People need to cope, and sometimes that means drugs, alcohol, or other behaviors that RD/RD for us means more distance less depth. RD/RD also can mean very selective filters on when, where, how we connect.
I have a longtime close friend who went through a cocaine and heroin addiction. I’ve not been in contact, have some pretty core time and healing milestones I’d want to see before spending time even over Zoom together. There’s still… love and friendship. RD/RD does not preclude having even mutual love and respect for someone’s challenging journey even as we set physical and soberness boundaries.
(How the other parties react to our boundaries and distance we don’t control and can be… a challenge.)