Perfectly Imperfect - Thriving Through Authentic Action - Session Replay
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We covered…
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Perfectionism is a healthy aspiration that’s been kicked in the ass. Recognize when you’re pushing yourself too hard and recalibrate to your true aspirations.
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Embrace being a student-teacher. It’s okay not to know everything – in fact, it’s liberating! Say “I don’t know this yet” and enjoy the learning process.
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Authentic action feels like you, even if it’s awkward. It’s about being congruent with your values and moving towards your aspirations.
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Notice where perfectionism traps you. Is it in social situations? At work? Identifying these areas is the first step to freeing yourself.
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Tapping (EFT) can help you navigate perfectionist tendencies. Use it to calm your nervous system and access your embodied wisdom.
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Aspire, don’t require. Instead of demanding perfection, ask yourself what you’re truly aspiring to in any given situation.
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Practice being “perfectly imperfect.” It’s not about letting go of all standards, but embracing your humanity and allowing room for growth.
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Cultivate emotional freedom by choosing your responses. You can’t control everything, but you can choose how you react and what you focus on.
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Remember, you’re not alone in this. We’re all aspiring imperfectionists, learning to thrive through authentic action.
By exploring these concepts, you’ll start to loosen the grip of perfectionism and free up energy for what truly matters to you. It’s not about being flawless – it’s about being authentically you. So go ahead, give yourself permission to be perfectly imperfect. Your thriving life awaits!
Resources Mentioned
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Be a Surprisingly Content Imperfectionist - Real Skills Workshop
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Perfectly Imperfect - Thriving Through Authentic Action
[00:00:00] Perfectly Imperfect, Thriving Through Authentic Action.
[00:00:04] Hmm, anyone here, like, struggled with perfectionism? No, I’m perfect. I don’t need to struggle with it. I am, I, it’s my 24 7 occupation. Which is why I invited you, because we’re all aspiring, uh, perfectionists, imperfectionists, and here is Cathy, the perfect one.
[00:00:27] Um, No, I’d struggle with it all the time. So I’m perfect at it. Yeah. So, um, we were, we’ve explored. Perfectionism and imperfectionism before in a real skills workshop. Why would we come back to it? Because it’s life imperfections are a part of the shared human experience. And one of the things I love about perfectionists is that we tend to be really caring people.
[00:01:05] We also tend to have a lot of empathy receptors that people have, uh, use the term used to get us to behave in a certain way. Um, I know in myself as a recovering perfectionist and that, um, I needed. Reassurance growing up. There’s a lot of reasons why I needed reassurance, uh, but I needed reassurance. And one of the ways to get reassurance was to be, uh, really good at tests.
[00:01:45] So if you got them all right, perfect score plus the bonus question. Um, like who’s other kids could pick on me for being, you know, a teacher’s pet, smarty pants, um, uh, four eyes. I work glasses, tap, tap. Um, but I would get reassurance from the adults that were holding the space and getting reassurance from adults.
[00:02:14] My. My child brain really needed that. And that was one of the ways, but it really was, um, they may have meant well, but one of the reasons we’re revisiting this, um, is that as I look at that part of my life and I look at what crops up for people in our community, often, there is a quality of, yeah, I did that to be safer and get my needs met, but it’s But really, I would have done this.
[00:02:48] That test that was on stuff I didn’t care about at all, I would have just put my energy elsewhere. I would have finished reading my book. Right? That would have felt more thriving to me, is to finish reading the book instead of doing that. Um, and this can come into life where, you know, Hey, what I really want to do is sit down and do my art.
[00:03:09] I feel it coming through me. It’s an inspired action. I want to do my art, but they’re dirty dishes. I don’t know. I have to keep it. I have to keep the kitchen perfect for them, for me, whatever. Yeah. I just, yeah, putting it just in the channels that they would approve of that they would say were important.
[00:03:31] So, Yeah. Um, where do you think, let’s go a little deeper if we could on
[00:03:40] where, what other things trigger perfectionism and what’s really deeper in that behavior for someone, especially that’s done enough emotional work that, um, it’s not just a trigger and unconscious. But it’s still raising, it’s still standing in the way of thriving. Yeah. I think my personal theory is that it’s kind of, we’re raised in that culture.
[00:04:09] Many of us were in that perfectionism culture. I think perfectionism is a way, one, it controls people really well. The ones that care, that want to strive for that. And. I’ve noticed some of my relatives as they get older and they get more scared, like they’re feeling a little more fragile, they’re feeling more scared about the world.
[00:04:27] They want more towing the line imperfectionism. There’s more like, no, look like this, do it like this, that’s wrong, you’re going to be hurt. Um, I think when we’re trying to protect ourselves, and we don’t know how to feel the feelings of disappointment, regret, um, Awkwardness. Um, we, perfectionism is a great way to avoid those feelings.
[00:04:50] So if I’m like, Oh, I’m going to get this perfect. I’m going to nail it. It’s kind of magical thinking. If I get it perfect, everything’s going to be okay. Um, if I don’t quite need it, it’s like, I’m in this, I’m not here in the now feeling, Oh, that didn’t go as well as I wanted. Oh, well, you know, like I can feel the feelings.
[00:05:10] It’s all right. I still had a good time about this and that’s okay. Instead of like, Oh, I need to double down. I need to like, Oh, I’m going to do it right next time. And then in the future, kind of like willpower my way so that next time it would be perfect. I’m not enjoying the things now. I’m not living in the now I’m living in the future where I can, where I hopefully will make things good enough that I deserve to feel good.
[00:05:34] And I can really relax. It switches from being, um, in the flow, in the enjoyment, in the expression, to being outcome oriented, right? It really is. We’re not in the moment. We’re not living our life as it is. We’re, like, trying to see, did I make the mark? Um, and are you, you know, it’s just, you’ve got to get there.
[00:06:00] Like, I remember growing up, and I’ve heard other people, like, if you’d just done this this way, what were you thinking doing it that way? Right? You screwed up everything. You’ve ruined Christmas. You’ve done, like, just by saying something innocent, like, Oh, I’m, you know, I don’t want that, or I’m not feeling great, or I didn’t like that.
[00:06:18] Then it’s like, I’ve ruined the entire experience for everybody. It’s like, wait, and they weren’t owning their own feelings. It was easy to project on people. But it’s very hard when we’re little to have the, Objectivity to step back and go, you know, I think you’re just not feeling your feelings and you just want to project your, your negativity on me.
[00:06:38] Um, and that’s probably not a good idea, but we can’t do that when we’re little. We just don’t have the, the insight to do it. Yeah. And, and a lot of environments, and you just pointed out an environment where, um, Perfectionism, you’d almost call hyper vigilance, the need to be hyper vigilant. And if I’m hyper vigilant and I don’t make any, any missteps, like zero, then I can be, uh, invisible to the people that do the poking and attacking and things like that.
[00:07:15] And if I make even the slightest Um, misstep in, uh, a sound and, uh, spilling the milk and making any kind of expression. And so that what we’re doing is, is inviting us if your perfectionism came from somewhere, was it hypervigilance for safety, um, physical safety or emotional safety or both? Was it, um, to get a need met?
[00:07:49] Like, uh, my need for, um, acknowledgement and affirmation that I’m okay. I’m I’m okay. Within the space that the adults are holding, that’s a need, like kids are born with that. I had it big time. And so mine was, was around that. Um, and being aware of where it comes from, I think there’s that. Oh, if I’m going to switch my energy and that’s what emotional freedom to me acknowledges, there’s some way that I’ve been trapped.
[00:08:35] That’s intense or kind of not myself. There’s a spectrum like I, you know, that’s just really not, not where I want to be, if we’re going to switch out that. Or something else we we acknowledge where we’ve been what feelings come up about that past and how and we we use some skill and tools to be able to quiet.
[00:09:08] the sharp edges, especially if we do have more safety. We’re around people that are, we don’t have to be hyper vigilant around. If you’re in a place where you absolutely need to be hyper vigilant with the people that share the walls that you live in, bless you, uh, that’s a, that’s a That’s an in the now, I’m unsafe kind of thing for many of us that at least have a space where we don’t have to be hyper vigilant in order to live another day.
[00:09:40] There is a quality of, okay, what am I shifting here? I’m shifting from this toward what? And, and the title, the subtitle thriving through authentic action. What does that mean? Authentic action is if you do it, and it feels like you. Even if it’s awkward, awkward is okay. If it’s authentically something that matters to you and you’re, you’re, you’re trying it out or you’re curious about it.
[00:10:10] You ask a question and people are like, Oh, what? that’s your authentic action, then there’s an opportunity if you’re around people that can take that and go, Oh, well, you know, I’d probably ask the question this way. All right. Do you see where in emotional skill work, there’s, uh, an awareness that doesn’t say, Oh, I’m just going to say, I am happily imperfect.
[00:10:41] And a whole side of your body goes numb. You’re about to be yourself because it feels so unsafe. No, no, we don’t do that. I was like, you know, back then it was really safe, unsafe around the table. Tap, tap, tap. We get that down. And now. You know, I want to, I want to, I choose to feel, want to feel, intend to feel more relaxed around the table to, um, to be able to pick up a piece of paper and draw something that’s pleasing to me, even though it’s not perfect.
[00:11:17] Yeah. Could we just, tapping on that, because I think there’s a lot of fear when we’re brought up, they’re like, I know the story about the monkeys isn’t actually a real story, but I think it really emphasizes it. Um, they, it’s a, it’s a myth that has gone around, but it’s a very good story about how some monkeys were in a cage and they were given all kinds of food and anything.
[00:11:41] But if they climbed the ladder to get more bananas, they were sprayed with water every time. Um, and then they gradually shifted the monkeys. So like some of the monkeys were old monkeys that got sprayed with water and some of them were new monkeys. And anytime one of them tried to climb the ladder, the monkeys would pull them down because they knew they would all get sprayed with water and they didn’t like it.
[00:12:00] And then over time, all the monkeys were new monkeys, but if someone tried to climb the ladder, they’d pull them down. And that’s kind of like our family was my family. And I think many families were like, if you deviated, it was like, The monkey on the monkey is pulling you down and beating you up. Like don’t do that.
[00:12:16] You’ll get us all in trouble. Um, and I think again that magical thinking that if we’re perfect, we won’t have bad things happen to us is I used to have that. I thought if I tapped enough and I did enough Abraham Hicks, which I got a lot of it out of Abraham Hicks, but there’s kind of some of them take it to the point where it’s like if I’m My mind is pure enough and everything is good enough.
[00:12:36] I will have no problems. I will never get a flat tire. My toilet will never get clogged. I will never have money problems. I will never have wrinkles. I will like, you know, I’ll go through life like a little fairy. And I used to think that, and I’m like, huh, I don’t think life is like that. I can definitely clear out old self sabotage and trauma and old beliefs that hold me back.
[00:12:59] And that can definitely make my life easier. But I think life has road, there’s bumps in the road and roadblocks and things that happen. And I think it’s scary to face that. It’s scary to face that we don’t have control over what’s happening in our world all the time. We don’t have, we’re going to have to face some things we didn’t plan for.
[00:13:19] And I think it’s like the family’s like pulling us down. No, no, no. I don’t want to feel that powerlessness. So I’m going to say if you were just perfect, more perfect, if you conformed more, we’d never get sprayed with water. Um, you’re going to need some tapping on that. No, I’d like you to, you’re right in it.
[00:13:35] Yeah, great. Take a nice deep breath if you’d like to karate chop, even though none of the monkeys want to get sprayed with water. Even though none of the monkeys want to get sprayed with water. And I don’t want to get sprayed with water either. And I don’t want to get sprayed with water either. Maybe perfectionism isn’t what stops it.
[00:13:58] Maybe perfectionism isn’t what stops it. Even though that’s what they all taught me. Even though that’s what they all taught me. Just have to try harder next time. Must try harder next time. What if the water has nothing to do with perfectionism? What if the water has nothing to do with perfectionism?
[00:14:16] What if it just sometimes rains in life? What if it sometimes does rain in life? Top of that, I’ve just been trying to be so perfect. I’ve been trying to be so perfect. Eyebrow, it’s really stressful. It’s really stressful. Side of the eye, and I don’t even know what I want to do. And sometimes I don’t know what I want to do.
[00:14:41] And the eye, I’m so focused on doing it right by their rules. I’m so focused in doing it right by their rules. Under the nose, I’d really like to have more freedom. I really want to have more freedom. Chin, but I don’t want to get sprayed with water. I do not wanna be punished, sprayed with water. I don’t collarbone and I don’t other want other people blaming me for it either.
[00:15:07] And I don’t want other people blaming me for it either. I can start small. I have started small tough of it. I can practice being imperfectly perfect. I can practice being perfectly imperfect, just the way I am. That’s the way I am. Nice deep breath. And notice what comes up for you around that. Because for some of us, it’s really entrenched in our subconscious.
[00:15:37] Like, something that’s been repeated. For me, it’s around 56. I’ve been hearing it 56 years. And seeing it enforced around me. It can be really challenging to go. What? You’re gonna like, you know, their subconscious like, no, no, no, this could be bad. So just notice what’s coming up. If there’s fear or anger or sadness, it’s okay to feel those feelings.
[00:15:57] Here in this space, that is the goal. Like to be where you are and feel things and just be, you know, tears of laughter are welcome here. You get to be who you are in this space. So it’s okay for those feelings to come up. Someone asked in the chat, is perfectionism a way of believing you are controlling things in life?
[00:16:16] Yeah, I think it’s a fairy tale belief. Um, it’s the golf course of view of nature versus the, um, nature, nature. Like if you go out into a meadow where nature is having its way, there’s beauty. And there’s mosquitoes, and bugs, and other things that maybe you want there and maybe you don’t want there. And you’re navigating a world that has both what is wanted and what is not wanted.
[00:16:45] And you’re,
[00:16:51] if, I, I look at perfectionism now sort of like a grim fairy tale. Where the deeper thing is, you know what? No one is perfect. And if no one is perfect, oh, well, what does that mean? Well, maybe no one’s in control. Tap, tap, tap. Okay, that feels terrifying to my primitive brain. What does that mean? Well, we can be in response.
[00:17:26] I want skill and savvy in response. Notice I’m tapping while I’m exploring it. This is what I do. I, as I explore a concept or an idea, it’s like, yeah, and I really would love it if I was in control.
[00:17:41] And, and sometimes I am envious of Rapunzel and her beautiful blonde, long blonde hair, but I’m not going to have that either. Notice how I tap Yeah, use the fairy tale. Oh, yeah. And it’s a it’s been a groom fairy tale to think I can be perfect and in control. But that doesn’t mean I don’t influence and I don’t have responses and skill.
[00:18:09] And I’m cultivating more skill even right now by embracing that authentically I’m I’m imperfect. And that’s not a judgment. That’s an embrace of my humanity. And it feels really potent right now to acknowledge that there is a difference between aspiring to something and being driven by it. toward perfectionism.
[00:18:41] Yeah, huge differences. You can aspire to grow, to have a thriving lifestyle, to have resources that you can steward and that give you more freedom. Aspirations are, ooh, tingle. I love aspiring. That’s why I call myself an aspiring imperfectionist because I aspire to things. I aspire to peace and love everywhere.
[00:19:04] I’m not in control of that, but because it’s an aspiration, I carry it in me. And this is, this is part of the manipulation with that. Those of us that are perfectionists, uh, perfectionists are recovering or looking at this. Um, guess what? We tend to be aspirational. We tend to be aspirational. And if you take aspiration and kick it in the ass.
[00:19:34] It becomes perfectionism. It’s just aspiration that’s been kicked in the ass. One, one of the best ways I feel like I can tell the, I love that. One of the ways I can tell the difference is, am I doing it, do I feel fearful? Am I feeling fearful? Am I being driven by my fear? That’s probably perfectionism. Am I curious or feel encouraged or Interested in something that’s different than, um, uh, that’s more aspirational and it can be scary to do aspirational things, but that’s different than being driven by the fear, if that makes sense.
[00:20:09] Yes, um, aspiring imperfectionist. Um, I, I believe that imperfectionism is a concept for thriving that frees us, frees ourselves, it frees others too, and it embraces that we have gifts and gaps. And that’s part of what I was talking about in the email. Um,
[00:20:30] Let’s say that, uh, you’re more of an inward person and you’ve been pushed to be social, right? Like, oh, you know, friends have pushed you into social environments and things like that. Um, to me, if I’m, if I’m trying to be the perfect friend, I can be drawn into things that are, are not really good for me. Um, if I embrace it, you know, I’m noticing my nature.
[00:21:02] I’m not really a social butterfly or beaver. I’m just not, uh, it’s not my thing. And what I can say though, is that if you need somebody to sit, if you, if, if in friendship, you’d like to go for a deep walk in the woods and really discover some juicy, simple uplifts, um, I’ve got sensors that pick up stuff.
[00:21:28] So yeah, I’m not going to be your bar buddy, but my authentic action is to offer like, have you ever sniffed Moss? I know. Yeah. There there’s a hundred and some breweries in Asheville, North Carolina, but there are also a hundred different flavors of Moss. No, I it’s a bouquet kind of thing. Not a, you know, Um, but they feel different and they, you know, they’re, they’re really something because we talked about weirdness before and that makes me weird.
[00:22:09] It makes me non normal, um, but it’s authentic. And it’s authentic. It also brings me closer to people that are looking for my kind of weird. Um, somebody who is driven to, um, like, I have to do it right. I have to do it right. I have to do it right. I’m actually, because I’m a recovering perfectionist, um, my, in my imperfection, I, I can give them some recalibration.
[00:22:49] Um, and I use, I use recovering because it is, it’s, it’s a quality of, um, if in your nature you’ve let, you’ve ended up being a perfectionist, you probably value safety. Okay. So in my imperfection, I value safety. It doesn’t mean I’m always safe in everything I say or everything I do, even during the workshop for everyone, but it matters to me.
[00:23:22] Bye. And I can say, you know, I, it matters to me enough to do it awkwardly to bring up safety. Do you feel safe here? Do you, um, consent and freedom that those mean some mean enough to me that I’m willing to have a conversation with somebody that is awkward, maybe even like, because they matter to me. And, um, that’s authentic.
[00:23:57] And it will be imperfect. The part of my brain that used to judge perfectionism, I’ve, I’ve passed with noticing when I’m doing the things that I aspire to do, however I do them. It’s like, Oh, you were, you were, you were wanting kindness there. Didn’t work out. I could feel, you know, that part of my brain can feel that.
[00:24:27] And that’s. And I had to cultivate that post perfectionism. Here’s, here’s what I mean by that. Um, as Cathy said, like that feeling like you’re not in the moment, you’re being driven. I have to, there’s a safety, a fear, a control, and downstream, you’re looking back at that. And it’s going, if, if you’re interested in emotional freedom, chances are you’re going to notice those things and they’re going to come up and they’re going to, they’re going to go, Hello.
[00:25:04] Yeah. How do you want to shift this energy and be like, ah, I really needed to be perfect there, didn’t I? I was not perfect there, but I needed to be perfect. Notice there’s a little wine in that. Why? Because it’s sort of a child’s. At least for me, being a perfectionist is, is a fairy tale, so I, I whine a bit like that I wanted there to, you know, I wanted to be perfect and I wasn’t, very clearly I was not, I aspired to what?
[00:25:46] I aspired to be balanced. I aspired to be calm and confident.
[00:25:59] I really aspire to the things that matter to me, and I like that about me, and it’s freeing to not have the pressure to be perfect. It definitely is. And that’s where, once you land on something, you’re tapping and you’re speaking out loud. When you land on something that is emotional, there’s, there’s like, It really matters to me to be free, to aspire, to be that, to try and try and try again.
[00:26:36] Um, by doing that downstream, what it did is it started in the now, I was clear about what I was aspiring to do, not to be perfect, but I was aspiring for kindness. Perfectionism is a hard task, impossible, but it’s not grounded in anything other than
[00:27:07] Aspiring to do great work, work that matters, work that makes a difference, work that touches people’s lives and your own. Aspiring to have, um, freedom, aspiring to be able to handle and rise into challenges and feel like you can, however, imperfectly. I think
[00:27:34] what you’re saying, I just want to say it again in a slightly different way, because I think the more we hear it in different perspectives, the more it’s likely to stick. Um, but if your focus is like getting it perfect versus I want to, um, learn how to communicate better on the focus on the communication, on the The learning, the willingness to like, oh, I didn’t get it quite right, but I’m learning, and that’s cool that I learned that, versus I didn’t get it right and I’m beating myself up.
[00:28:00] That’s another way to tell the difference. And they can sometimes be mixed together. If we have had a lot of practice at being perfect, it’s, it’s sometimes harder to parse those apart, but we can keep practicing and building those muscles as I often talk about. Someone in the chat said people expect perfectionism from you, even though they’re not perfect themselves.
[00:28:20] Um, It’s hard. It’s it’s especially hard. Um, the expectations is the hardest part. I think it’s very hard to go against what other people expect when we also have a lot of that soundtrack playing inside. Um, so if I’m saying I really need to be perfect and someone else is like, you need to be perfect, it’s like almost impossible to do something different, but the more I can hang out with people that aren’t requiring that, so my primitive brain can kind of go, Oh, maybe I can be a little bit, I don’t play that same soundtrack.
[00:28:51] Um, but I can also like work on, Oh, what is it that I’m most afraid of? Do I want to, is it that I’m afraid to feel powerless in this world? We’re never completely powerless. There’s usually the, I can be present with what’s happening or I can be not present with what’s happening. And we usually have some choice there, but I don’t have control over what’s happening in the political climate.
[00:29:13] I don’t have control over what’s happening in the financial climate. I can do things like put aside some money. So I have an emergency fund. And I think that’s. I was in Al Anon for many years, and I love the, the serenity prayer that, you know, please let me have the courage to do what I can do, the things I can take care of, um, the, the serenity to turn over the things I can’t, and, you know, The wisdom to know the difference.
[00:29:38] I think that’s a lot of what this is about. Like, Oh, I don’t really have control over what those other people say to me, but I do have choices about how I think about myself and maybe not immediately, but I can take action. I can aspire to clearing the doubt and building up the muscles so that I can go, huh.
[00:29:58] That’s a belief that you have, and that’s really not how I see it, and you know, I really respect that you’re trying to feel safe and in control and you go for it, but um, I’m gonna take the risk. I’m gonna face that there’s not everything I control, and I think that’s a maturity that happens if we let ourselves heal from old traumas and kind of, you know, Rick’s talking about like that freedom, the courage to kind of be awkward and to struggle a little bit.
[00:30:24] Oh, I survived it. It felt like I was going to die. I wanted to die at some moments, but here I am. This is cool. I made it through and I know I can now, huh? Maybe I’ll take that risk again sometimes and, you know, kind of in a thoughtful way, it gives us a chance to see that if we aren’t perfect, if we’re not always in control, that life is still okay.
[00:30:46] That we are still, we don’t have to always be in control. And I think that for people that have a lot of trauma and a lot of social, they’ve been brought up in a socially constrictive area there that their muscles are very tight for holding on to being safe and perfect. So people, you have our parents, generational trauma, intergenerational trauma is a thing, our parents pass it down to us.
[00:31:08] We learn from them and then we have our own traumas and then we’re like, Oh, the world, it seems so unsafe. Okay, but we can heal those traumas. That’s what that maybe that’s our choice in this. That’s the place we could say, please let me have the courage to start walking towards healing to facing some of those things that are bothering me.
[00:31:29] Um, we did a workshop on people pleasing. Uh, I invite you to go to thriving now. center and enter people pleasing. You’ll find the workshop, um, because that’s a skill and it does interweave with being perfectly imperfect. Um, so. Other people’s expectations. If that’s a trigger for you, for you, um, and you like pleasing people.
[00:31:59] So again, there’s stressed out, very unhappy people, pleaser who never gets the joy. of actually feeling like they get to please people. And that’s taking somebody who enjoys pleasing people and kicking them in the ass repeatedly until you’re in the stressed out zone. So just like perfectionism is a kick where aspiration is kicked into the The dangers, the zone of not thriving, whatever you want to call that.
[00:32:44] Um, and that’s the beautiful thing here is that as you develop the skill and you’re quieting the noise around, Oh, that, yeah, I aspire to be pleasing. You know, that’s. Part of my nature, you know, it feels good to be pleasing. And my authentic self is human. And I aspire to treat myself and others in a humane way, expecting me to always wake up every morning and bright and chipper and good morning.
[00:33:16] How are you? I’m going to make you breakfast and I’m going to clean up the dishes. I’m going to vacuum. I’m going to make sure that there’s never a. Anything on the toilet that might cause you to feel uncomfortable and oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t I folded I folded your shirt back. We’re inside out and you know, and um, I just want to check in I am I like If, if it’s true, I think I authentically like repairing your clothes so that they’re in putting them away.
[00:33:47] There’s something feels good about that. And, you know, if, if you need it to be perfect, meaning that type of thing never happens, that’s not what I’m agreeing to. That feels inhumane. And the punishment that comes back at me feels, um,
[00:34:09] feels cruel. And I’m not, I’m not signing on for that. Now, if you have really freaked out, control freak status people in your life who really are up in that spectrum of everything needs to be perfect, or I’m going to go and be an anxious mess, and I’m going to dump it on you, bless you. I don’t know how to navigate.
[00:34:33] Being in close relationship with people. That’s how I call it, right? Distance, right? Depth. Um, there are people that you cannot have that conversation. I just had would need to be simpler. Like I agreed to do this, but in a humane and it’s going to be in perfect way. I’m, I’m telling you that it is, you will need to adapt to that or I’ll stop doing it up to you.
[00:35:05] That’s sort of a more primal, I’ll make you dinner. But if you. Keep making gagging noises, tell me what you like, help me adapt to find something that is good for you. But there’s a quality of humanness in making the meal, and you’re not three years old. Now, this is where, like, perfectionism will raise with me because Like my daughter, I’ll make, I’ll make exactly what I think that she wants.
[00:35:40] I’m using my intuition. I value using my intuition to tune into those who are unable or not present to communicate what they want. And I do this and I get it all ready and she sits down and she looks at it and she pushes her plate away. And then she might push. Now, this is not always.
[00:36:03] And this is where, like, authentic action. Did I take authentic action? That’s a good question for me. It’s like, yeah, I use my intuition to help to tune into what felt nourishing, compatible, kind of what I know about where she is and what she likes, but I’m not her. And I put it together and I presented it, invited her, and she had her own perfectly imperfect reaction to it.
[00:36:35] And I hate that reaction and it’s really authentic. She doesn’t want any of that food.
[00:36:46] And I’ll start laughing like, yeah, Oh God, who, no wonder who she takes after. I wish I had been free enough to just push my dad’s food away. No, no. Right. Like I, I just got a hot flash with, with you probably Cathy. Like, um, yeah. Um, I, I ate my share of unpalatable food that my authentic action would have been like, you know, no dad, this is inedible.
[00:37:18] So that’s, that is a way that we free ourselves and we free those that we’re in relationship with. And it’s, it’s work that we can do internally. And that’s exciting to me. I do not have to have her be perfect. And she challenges me. That aspect of myself with where she is developmentally, because I want to be, I want to be nourishing for her.
[00:37:46] I want to be there to, she cried for 45 minutes straight sitting on a stool in the garage that she wanted her mother who was at work and neither me nor Bobo could do anything. The perfectionist in me flared up for about two minutes of that. And it was really intense. After all these years, I am, I am incapable of co regulating a three and a half year old.
[00:38:16] You’re fucking kidding me. Three and a half year olds are powerful beings. Especially mine. And, and, you know what? It’s like, and she’s authentically expressing. The only thing that matters to her right now, she’s authentically rejecting being close to other people. That’s not where she wants to be. She wants to be in the garage with a garage door open, not closed, open so that she can wait and watch and cry for her mom, you know, it’s tender for me to share this because, you know, a lot of people would judge me as, you know, you’d let her be in the garage.
[00:39:02] People have judgments about how other people parent. I have judgments about how I parent. It wasn’t like you were trying to comfort her. She didn’t want you. Like, there was a wave of shame, like, are the neighbors hearing her crying in the garage, you know, and looking out their window and going, she’s by herself in the garage crying for her mother?
[00:39:24] But I was sitting, meditating on the other side of the wall, hearing her and holding space, making sure no one else is coming up the driveway. And that felt really imperfect compared to how I really wanted. I wanted her to just sit on my lap. Let’s read a book. Mom, you’ll be home in 45 minutes. I really wanted that.
[00:39:48] And, you know, that was sort of my working example for today is, um, Life, I, I can accept that if there was a pathway to regulate her, the two other humans that were in the house who were really offering, aspiring to help her regulate, were doing what they could, including, as she was saying, get away, getting away, giving her some space.
[00:40:18] Listening and coming back when we felt intuitively drawn. Well, and I think hearing you share that, hearing you share that, I can see where a parent being embarrassed, wondering what the neighbors were thinking, just out of resources and not, you have a lot of skills that you built up over time to be patient with her.
[00:40:37] It’d be easy to say it’s your own fault if you had just, you know, you wouldn’t be missing her if you’d done this. Or like point out something bad she did today or something that wasn’t perfect as a way to like, okay, now she can’t just. Express her feelings because she’s caught in the loop trapped in the perfection like oh I’m feeling this bad because I did something wrong versus I’m just feeling bad like life is not lined up the way I want it I’m not in control over it.
[00:41:03] So I love that you know, I love that you were there You stayed present with her you offered her what you could but you didn’t turn it back on her You didn’t like it’s your own fault for feeling this way, which I think is default for some parents because they don’t know better and they don’t have the resources.
[00:41:18] Rick has really spent a lot of time creating himself into the person that can sit there and listen to a kid cry. It’s hard. Yeah. And, and I was very imperfect. I was coping with activation. Like there’s a certain sound that another human makes that can be like, I need to Spawned like there’s there’s a huge burst of there’s something horrible happening here.
[00:41:47] Who do I what bear do I have to you know, grapple with to the death. Um, and if I land on perfectionism because it’s unachievable, leads to judgment and judgmenting and judging and shaming and judging and judging. And sometimes it’ll flare out at somebody else. Um, cause that’s a pathway to get rid of it.
[00:42:17] If I land it, if I’m landing it now, and then I was practicing like, where, what am I aspiring to? Not as a pressure. But well, I aspire to be someone that can hold space for big feelings as imperfectly and as difficult as I happen to be on the noise sensitivity spectrum. So I, I hear noises, especially screams and cries and other things metaphor, you know, energetically or auditorily really loud, like there’s a super hearing quality.
[00:42:59] And so, it’s going to be aspirational to be able to hold that space for a toddler. Um, but she’s not going to be a toddler forever. My oldest daughter just turned 30 yesterday. And, you know, I’m, I’ve aspired and gotten better.
[00:43:22] Love that after, after a lot of practice and it being my work, um, I’m imperfectly aspirational in a, in a way that feels authentic to me. Um, I hope that, thank you. Uh, it is
[00:43:42] when we are in our aspirations, there’s a tenderness to them because they’re aspirational and chances are they’re the kind of thing that we aspire to, something that, uh, will outlive us. It’s not a goal. It necessarily we can. We can intend a goal and choose a goal and work toward a goal. Um, Aspirations to me are the inherent qualities that I’m cultivating and bringing out.
[00:44:13] Yeah. Um, one of the things we wanted to do today was to help people look at how perfectionism traps you. Um, so one of the ways I’ve found is useful. If I notice there’s a place I’m nervous about looking, if I’m scared of looking at it, if I feel like I need to be in control over it, that might be a way, some, some area of my life, a lot of energy is stuck.
[00:44:36] So. What we’d love to have you do if you’re, if you’re interested in participating is think of an area where you’re either really focused on perfectionism, or you can feel like there’s some resistance to being out of control. Like, no, I’ve got to, when I go to this appointment, I’m always. 10 minutes early because I don’t want to risk being late like what is there a place in your life where the Perfectionism really has a lot of sway.
[00:45:01] It does not have to be your entire work life It can be like what a doctor’s like I’m nervous about the dentist. I want to control that I am always super early because I don’t want them to be mad at me when they’re poking around my mouth So if you think of that Think about that. Do we want to have them think about that and then come back and give, like, give him a break and we’ll come back and do that.
[00:45:22] I think that’s a great place to, we like to take a seven minute break. We’ll do that now. And. Yeah, and at any time during the break, uh, feel free to use the chat or you can use that when we get back. Now, if you’re watching the recording, thanks for joining us. And we, we invite you to take a break to write down your stuff, share it.
[00:45:46] Welcome back.
[00:45:54] Someone shared in the chat during the break that they get caught in the hamster wheel of perfectionism thinking they should know stuff that they didn’t actually know is
[00:46:05] And I wonder, I’m not sure how it got embedded for you, but for me, a lot of that got embedded that my parents, I was a pretty smart kid, and my parents didn’t always understand that they didn’t remember what it was like to be a kid necessarily, or they were just overwhelmed and not thinking about it. But there was a lot of like, Um, expectation that I would understand things.
[00:46:25] Like, I remember the first time I got my driver’s license and I could drive. I was just turned old enough to drive after dark. They said, take all the, take the kids and go to the movies. We’re going to go out. And my, my dad and step mom went out on date night and they’re like, you can take the other car and you can go to the movies.
[00:46:41] Well, I’d been with them many times to the movies, but I didn’t necessarily, I’d never driven to the movies, but it was, it was like a half an hour away. We lived out in the country and I’d never driven on those, on those Country roads after dark, and I didn’t know how to put the high beams on or off. Um, I wasn’t sure, like, going there was, was not too bad because it was light enough.
[00:47:03] We all saw where we’re going, but coming back, I didn’t know how to put on the high beams. And then I was going slow because I couldn’t see very well. And then cars would come up and whip around and we kind of got lost. And it was really scary for me. And there was a lot of, I should know this. And when I told my dad, he was like, You should know the way we go there all the time, but we don’t learn things the same way if we’re not doing them ourselves.
[00:47:24] And I think there’s sometimes our parents forget that we’re children. We don’t have the understanding, the experience that they do. So we don’t have the context to even know stuff, but there’s that kind of like, how do you not know this? Come on, I’m tired. You should have figured this out. And we kind of internalize it.
[00:47:41] And I still do this as someone’s like, could have never heard the topic before, but I feel like I should, how could I, okay. How can I miss that? Um, so I just wonder if that might be some similarity for you. Yeah. And I asked, um, so part of the skill for me when something is like that is, is there a value that I hold dear that would help neutralize this?
[00:48:05] And, um, the person, same person said, I, I prize being in reality as much as possible. So the tapping might look like, you know, Even though I think I should magically understand this. Even though I think I should magically understand this. And I don’t. And I don’t. I like to be real. I like to be real. And I’m keeping it real.
[00:48:29] And I’m keeping it real. I don’t know this yet. I don’t know this, I know this, I don’t know this thing yet. And that’s okay. And that’s okay. Not bad. Reality is I don’t know it yet. Reality is I don’t know it yet. Eyebrow. I love grounding myself in reality. I love grounding myself in reality. Eye to the eye.
[00:48:55] I really value that. I really value that. It would be unrealistic to think that I would know this already. It would be unrealistic to know this, I know, to think that I would know this already.
[00:49:11] Now for me, I’m gonna, like, I really value being a student teacher and like, oh, I don’t know this. I don’t know this. How nice that there’s something I can learn. I’m a student here. I’m a student here. The reality is, I’m a student around this. The reality is, I’m a student around this. I might be a teacher someday, but not today.
[00:49:33] Might be a teacher someday, but not today. See, like, student teacher helps me to neutralize. Um, and I need, as a technologist, I have deep experience and like, I’m learning a new AI.
[00:49:59] And this dude is really, uh, uncooperative. Very skilled, but very uncooperative. And a part of me was saying that I should know how to do that. Why don’t I know how to get what I want out of this? And that’s where I went back to, you know, I’m, I’m a student of this tool and I’m an explorer of this technology.
[00:50:24] I’m explorer of techno, like I value exploring. I, I value exploring wisdom. It’s time for me to explore what the wisdom landscape might be here. It’s time for me, you know, Oh, it’s, I’m a student right now. And boy, that’s awkward for someone.
[00:50:45] Unless they really embrace, unless they really value being a student teacher. I bet those things I’ll be able to teach downstream, but not today. I’m still really in my, my early learning. One of the things I’ve noticed, and I don’t know if this is useful or if it fits for you as well, but as soon as I shame myself, I should have known this.
[00:51:06] It’s much harder for me to learn it. I kind of get locked in that shame spiral. And then it’s like, I go to learn it, my brain kind of freezes. Cause it’s like, I should already know this. I can’t be unsure. And then I, it’s harder. And sometimes I don’t ever learn it because I feel so ashamed about it. Just like, I’ll go learn something else or do something else.
[00:51:23] So I think this is a beautiful That’s the stuck quality of perfectionism. There’s the stress and strain, I’m in it, and I’m not being perfect. There’s the, that’s the in the now, I’m driving myself with perfectionism. There’s the shame and judgment of something from the past. And then there’s the, I I should already know this and I don’t and or I should be already good at this.
[00:51:46] I should already be a master of this. I should already, um, and again, part of my tapping is like, I should already be the grand poobah of AI. Silly. The grand poobah, right? Like, you know, what a silly, I think it might even come from the Flintstones to show my age. Um, you know, the grand poobah. The wizard of AI.
[00:52:13] Right? Like I should already be the wizard of AI with this new tool. Um, and I’m not and I’m a student here and that’s a different mode. And that’s where I think part of the authentic action. And thank you for bringing it like the reality, like, where am I, where am I on? Um, like there, there are things that matter to me, like, um, relationship repair and I have enough experience.
[00:52:54] And learning in that area to know that I have things that I can share, but there’s so much to it. There’s so much to it that we’re still figuring out. I believe that living in community, having circle, having people that are connected to us, uh, sharing a space, we spaces, I think we’re, we’re in the, even the most knowledgeable people I tuned into with.
[00:53:19] Decades of experience and running communities and like the deeper, the ones that I resonate with are aware, like we’re, we’re really like build, uh, not even toddlers yet and a shared language and shared processes. And what do we bring when things rupture? It’s hard. It’s really hard. And knowing that, there can be like, Oh, this is really tender because I wish it was so much easier.
[00:53:53] And there’s a part of me that really aspires to it being easy and natural.
[00:54:01] But you know, it’s, it’s different. A Zoom group is different than sitting around a fire. You know, we, we didn’t share the hunt yesterday. We all went off to our own thing. We, and, and that changes things and we have different cultures and different backgrounds. And here we are in a workshop together. Um, how do we, how do we hold that space, nourish that space?
[00:54:29] It will be imperfect. There will be sideways things. Um, If someone says shame on you, like I, I sometimes do like, well, shame, they said shame on me. Shame on you. Shame on me. Shame on you. Shame on them. Shame on them. Why are they throwing their shame around? Why are they showing their shame around? Shame on you.
[00:54:57] Shame on you. Shame on me? Shame on me. Did I violate one of my core integrities? Did I violate one of my core integrities?
[00:55:12] People will try to shame others for things that
[00:55:19] aren’t actually, I, I, I believe that shame has intelligence to it. If I value, um, kindness, it’s different if I tried to be kind and someone didn’t take it as kind. I can feel that there’s a gap. I My kindness did not, was not received. Um, but that’s different than if I value kindness and I plotted and schemed cruelty and I got them, you know, I would want Cathy to say, you know, Rick, that shame, and she could even say shame on you, Rick.
[00:56:06] I know that is way outside cruel attacking somebody. Um, like that. In a cruel way as you have told me you even you’re even on a recording I can pull it up where being cruel to another human is something that um I don’t want to take lightly. I want my body and my spirit and my awareness to speak to the shame of being outside of that, not that it makes me a permanently bad person, unworthy of love, unworthy of divine forgiveness, even if they’ll never forgive me.
[00:56:46] And, you know, um, But when people shame on you, um, I believe that we can set the boundary further out. Like, oh, you’re, are, were you expecting something different that I never agreed to? Looking at, and that often happens, like, shame on you. They were expecting you to be something inhumane, imperfect, I mean, perfect.
[00:57:20] They’re expecting you to be something inhumane. Yeah. They’re speaking from their values, not mine. They’re speaking from their values, not mine.
[00:57:34] They’re speaking from their values and not mine. They’re speaking from their values and not mine. And it does show the disconnect and rupture between us. And it does show the disconnect and rupture between us. I do not have to feel shame about things that are not part of my values. I do not have to feel shame about things that are not part of my values.
[00:57:58] And a lot of people don’t like that. And a lot of people don’t like that.
[00:58:10] And I want to authentically act from my values best I can. I want to authentically act for my values the best I can. That will contribute to my thriving and other people’s too. It will contribute to my thriving and other people’s too. I think too, like Rick, if you, if you, if you told me, or I found out you’d done intentionally plotted and done something cruel, I would want to know more because I know your core values.
[00:58:38] I know how much you live them. And I would, I would expect that there’d be something like this person had done something horrendous, or you were, you know, something amazingly stressful that happened in your life. We all. Want to have a vision of ourselves being this good person that always thinks things through and never makes mistakes and never gets overwhelmed and acts out or, you know, reacts to what’s happening.
[00:59:00] But all of us under the right circumstances, we’ll do that. Like even the toughest person that’s been trained cannot withstand torture. And Life can sometimes put us in a corner where we just react. So I like, instead of shame, cause shame says, shame is saying you are a bad person. I’d be like, Oh, is there maybe let’s look at the guilt that might be there.
[00:59:23] That means that you took actions that were not in aligned with what you wanted to do or what you stand for. Shame means you’re bad, guilt means, oh, I did something bad. Um, and all of us do. There’s times where I was not kind to my sister, or I, you know, I played with a deer and I was like, not as attentive.
[00:59:42] I pretended to be attentive because we’ve been playing doctor for 12 hours and I was a little tired. You know, I wish I’d been more attentive. There’s a little bit of guilt there because I don’t get to see her very often and I want her to, um, Have the model of reality. Like I am really with you. I’m not pretending.
[00:59:57] And I didn’t live up to that as well as I’d like. I have aspirations to do better. I can feel a little guilty, but my intentions were good. And I just don’t have a lot of muscle tone. Like I haven’t played with kids a lot. So 12 hours of doctor was like, I can only have my, you know, get a shot and have her take my temperature so many times before I bring, um, I know that one.
[01:00:19] So I just, you know, if someone says shame on you, they’re basically saying you are a bad person. And I’d be like, huh? That’s not very forgiving or understanding. And there are people I think deserve shame. There are people that have practiced cruelty, or practiced the shortcuts that let them walk over people so well that they do them easily.
[01:00:41] And I think maybe they should deserve some shame. I don’t know what made them choose those pathways either. Maybe there were some, they were backed into a corner too, I don’t know. But, if someone tells me shame on me, in a good day I can step back and go, huh, that’s not how do they get to say I’m a bad person?
[01:00:59] How do they get to make that judgment? Um, and I’m on a bad day. I might go, you’re right. You’re right. Shame on me. But I think sometimes having that distinction, aha, why do they get to tell me I’m bad? Uh,
[01:01:15] are you still hearing me? Okay. Yeah, I am. Are you hearing me? We froze there for a minute. Okay.
[01:01:25] We don’t have to take the responses. Right. Um, Okay, anyone else have anything in the, um, that they’d like to offer to the workshop and our, our circle? Uh, the chat is open. We have about, uh, we have a little bit of time left. Um, if you weren’t trying to be as perfect,
[01:01:53] what would feel freer to you? How would you feel if you, if in a, and it helps to have a context. So if there’s like, I’m sort of trapped, there’s resistance, there’s a kind of, uh, um, if you, if you really weren’t trying to be perfect at all, and you, you took steps and actions that were authentic, authentic, meaning they’re congruent with your values in the direction of your aspirations, um,
[01:02:39] what would, what, what would you do? What would change? How would your energy be freed up? We’re looking for emotional freedom, emotion and this energy freedom, the freedom to direct your life force, your precious time and energy. That’s why we call it time and energy. Um, we’re spending it.
[01:03:04] What would, what would shift a bit? Because this is where we look at our, the lifestyle that we want, We’re aspiring to a thriving lifestyle, for example, um,
[01:03:20] and there’s action that you could see yourself taking that if perfectionism or being perfect was something you were freed from, what would what would happen to your energy? Yeah, if you weren’t caught in that, that I think of it kind of like, if you’re trying to be perfect, you’re on that hamster wheel and you’re spinning and spinning and spinning, and you’re ignoring the little other toys in there and the food and the other hamster friends you could have.
[01:03:47] Like, I’m so caught up on like, I’m going to make it better next time. I’m going to try. I’m going to go faster. I’m going to go faster. I’ll get it next time and get worn out. It takes a lot of energy and focus. Um, someone shared that I am bad because I have different values from other people. Um, People don’t like it when we have different values.
[01:04:11] People like us all, like especially scared people want us all to be exactly the same because that feels safe. Most people have certain, like, I value chocolate much more than coconut cookies. Is that make me a bad person if someone really loves coconut cookies? Not, you know, maybe there’s more coconut cookies for you.
[01:04:28] Um, values have a long range. And I think that about the lighter things, we can feel some shame and like, Oh, I’m not fitting in with society. Our survival brain gets a little bit spinny about it. But about the big things, like, I really do believe in equal rights for all humans. I think we all should be treated normally and have freedoms.
[01:04:49] And if you don’t believe that, then I don’t feel so bad about having the same values as you. I want everyone to have freedom. So I think breaking it down and rather than just like accepting the blanket You’re bad because of this, like, kind of like, well, what values are different? And do I really care if their values are different about things that really matter to me?
[01:05:08] Why do I care? And if they’re about things that don’t matter to me, why do I care? Just, uh, just a thought to try and, and Rick, well, calling someone bad is a primitive brain judgment to me. It’s, it’s not grounded in reality. I think if we gave everyone’s values a proctological exam in how they actually live and activate in their body, um, no one is perfectly compatible.
[01:05:41] And that’s part of, you know, perfectly imperfect. Is there sufficient congruence for us to co create together? A we space. Are our needs sufficiently in alignment, um, can we reach agreements that allow us to hold a space for this purpose and other things that we have, whether their needs or values that we, we, we recognize that we are, we can be compatible in, this is a space about emotional real skills.
[01:06:28] If, if I want a space to, um, work on AI prompt engineering and I started like pausing what we’re doing here together and, and doing that, it would be incompatible with the choice that you all made, I, I put out an invitation. It was to be in this zone. If we go far afield and we don’t bring it back, um, then there’s.
[01:07:03] There’s, there’s imperfect, and then there’s incompatible, and then, and, and this is part of what we’re exploring with some relational savvy, um, people who call me bad because of some value difference, um, I, it hits my primitive brain, oh, they’re, they think I’m bad, my instinctual reaction is either to defend myself, To run, um, cut them out of my life.
[01:07:39] If I give myself some space and I use EFT tapping, and if you’re not familiar with it, driving now. com slash tapping, we have a free guide. It’s incredibly useful to, to be embodied with your wisdom. It, it helps activate all the organs that hold wisdom and your meridians and your energy field. And, um, I can feel that like, oh, that’s.
[01:08:07] That’s an engagement where we’re not really a good match. Does that make us just as right distance, right? Depth never to talk to each other in person ever again.
[01:08:23] Um, or is it okay for us to say. Well, I acknowledge that there’s a difference in value prioritization or how that those values might express in the world. I feel that we’re, we both value safety, respect and freedom and how that plays out in the world. And we set aside this and this and this. For a time period of, or it’s not where we go.
[01:08:58] Um, if we’re getting together to knit, can we, can we knit? Can we make that our focus? We’re getting together to, to do anything. Is it okay for us if we’re family? Um, and some families are just not very emotionally intelligent or, or have people that are the leaders of the family that will, you Um, bring up subjects and bring them up in a way that are really like, ah, you know, and, and I view that as, and I don’t know, we’re not saying it, but like families are so beautiful containers of imperfection, like there’s blood relatives, uh, uh, that’s a cauldron of imperfection.
[01:09:46] Um, I look at it like, when I was forced to eat food that made me very sick as a child, that was intolerable then, but I had to survive it. And I did. I don’t do that anymore. But if they serve those foods at Thanksgiving, I can pass the plate. Nope. That’s not for me. Oh, you got to try the Brussels sprouts.
[01:10:19] Yeah. No, actually. I’m I’m eating mealworms before, and you know, it’s more for them. Right. Um, when certain topics come up, um, it’s like, they’re the Brussels sprout topics. Can I view it that way in order to have a, a perfectly imperfect relationship? Sometimes that it, that answer is no. Um, I want all of us to feel.
[01:10:52] The self respect to be clear that I, I can’t be present with X, Y, or Z. Um, and that’s the subject for another real skills workshop. How do we make a graceful exit? Um, where it’s from a response rather than our primitive brain. Um, yeah, that’d be a great topic. I’d love to do one on that. Yeah. Well, graceful exits is, is, uh, is an interesting, Interesting subject.
[01:11:23] Maybe they don’t always have to be graceful. We can try to be graceful, we can aspire to grace, and sometimes it’s just like, I’m done, bye bye. I’m gonna make a very awkward thing that is sort of like the Hatfields and McCoys I feel could happen here. One of my excuses is I’m not feeling well. I’m not feeling well because I’m listening to you, but I’m not feeling well so I’m gonna leave.
[01:11:45] Yeah, and, and thank you all for We’re exploring this, um, Cathy, is there. Another aspect of this that you’d like to bring in, in the last few minutes that we’re together, I just invite you to notice if you can, cause I think this is a lot like that fish and water aspect. Perfectionism gets so embedded in our psyche, our habits that we don’t even notice the neural pathways firing anymore.
[01:12:14] And it can suck so much energy out and keep us really trapped. The more you can notice places where you’re really hyper focused or trying really to like, I’ll notice if I’m. Like if I see a policeman, because I’m so scared of getting pulled over, even though I have my registration, if I notice I’m sitting up straight and I’m kind of adjusting my seatbelt and like holding my, Oh, that’s, I’m trying to be perfect to avoid, like, you know, avoid something.
[01:12:41] And then I can say, what am I really trying to avoid? Oh, I’m scared of how I’d feel if someone pulled me over. I’d feel out of control. Okay, I can tap on that. That’s something I can, even though I don’t want to feel out of control, I’m still okay. You know, people get pulled over and they’re still okay. Um, so the more you can identify these, I think just making those things conscious.
[01:13:05] And then tapping on the feelings you don’t want to feel, facing them in this moment with some tapping, or get a coach, or come to a circle call, and the more we can look at them, the more we’re willing to be present with reality as it is, that includes the fears, and it includes some of the feelings that we don’t like to feel, but the more we can be present with them, the more we’re willing choice we have in the world and I do think there is something to be said to be willing to walk, you know, like to face challenges and difficulty, feeling disappointment, feeling awkward, feeling like, oh I screwed, that was really, I did that really bad, but I learned a little bit.
[01:13:43] I bet I can do it a little better this time. It gives us a Access to parts of our lives that we would never have access to otherwise if we just stayed Really caught in that hamster wheel of perfectionism. So I invite you notice it share in the circle share You know share wherever but the more we talk about it and normalize it for other people the easier it is to kind of go Huh?
[01:14:06] Yeah, that’s just the old perfectionism. I don’t actually have to listen to those neural pathways. They’re old ones Yeah. And again, just to go back to that, you know, perfectionism is aspiration that’s been kicked in the ass. What means is that I can deescalate my perfectionism by coming back to, well, what do I aspire to here?
[01:14:28] What do I actually, Oh, and I’ve, I’ve answered that question sometimes with somebody else’s aspiration and it tastes funny, right? It’ll be like. Oh, that’s not mine. What do I actually aspire to here? We can see this in business. It’s like, I aspire to
[01:14:58] reach a million people. Yeah. And I’m like, you know, honestly, That’s not mine. That’s not actually the grounding F aspiration. I, I, I, it creates a stress. It creates a whole bunch of things. And so when we, when we go from perfectionism and we land down an aspiration, we’ve deescalated it back into the zone of agency and empowerment.
[01:15:32] We’ve said, ah, well, actually what I aspire to do. Um, Is, is to create something that is useful, um, to people like me and so if it’s useful to me and to be generous and share it and to put it out there because I believe that we’re at an age where shared wisdom, um, is, is important.
[01:15:58] If a perfectionism and lands in that judgment, aspiration is the way back to like, well, what was I actually aspiring to there? What matters to me? Well, I aspire to be, you know, calm and confident and I was triggered and I, I value being, I value my aspiration to be calm and confident. That changes me. It reminds me, it gives me something that is part of my practice.
[01:16:37] I’m developing that skill and each time I practice it successfully, unsuccessfully, um, across the spectrum, um, I’m strengthening that pathway within me, calming and confidencing. Ah, I do. And. Aspiration is in the now. It can be the thing that’s the now and onwards that we talked about in our last workshop.
[01:17:03] Aspiration says this is, this is my now. I, I’m regrounding in what I aspire to and I’m taking that onward with me. Um, that’s a bit of like what I was saying, how do we neutralize Things that are out of off scale
[01:17:24] that works at that pathway when you use it for perfectionism makes it a very available pathway when you get anxious makes it a very path good pathway when you get overwhelmed your your deescalating back into your party aspirations and when you get when you get down in the dumps, right, it’s like, you know, I may be a shithead.
[01:17:53] Good. But I aspire, that makes me at least an aspirational person, you know, there’s a, there’s a, there’s a, there’s a bit of a self acknowledgement pathway back to, um, to being authentically able to take action perfectly and perfectly.
[01:18:20] all. Cathy, bless you, appreciate you. Wonderful work guys. Thanks for being here. Until next time. Bye.
[01:18:30]
Great to have you on this journey with us!