#1 Tip for Getting Over Social Anxiety
When skills get rusty – like those for connecting with new people and new experiences – our survival brain can get scared… making social anxiety worse than ever!
And our poor survival brains got a strong workout last year. Lots of different messages with changing information on how to stay safe and how to avoid people.
No wonder connecting with people and going to new places seems overwhelming! And for most of us, connection skills are really rusty after 16 months or more of sitting on the sidelines.
If you have competing energies about this (part of you can’t wait to hug all the people, and part wants to stay home in your nice comfy couch watching reruns of Chopped – my favorite new escape), or if all of you is feeling overwhelmed at the thought of eating at restaurants, going to a meetup, or getting on a plane, there is one major tip that can make all of this easier.
Rick and I will be diving deeper into this in our Real Skills Workshop.
Replay is below
The biggest tip we can share is not to do this alone.
“Wait!” you say. “What if I don’t have someone local do to this with?”
There are simple ways to get support, even if you don’t know a soul.
First, let’s look at why having support can soothe your survival brain and help you navigate connection easier.
Our survival brain knows we need community and that part of our brain evolved to fit in and belong.
When we do something new, we’re not sure of what is socially acceptable or not. We’re not sure of what is “safe” socially, physically, or emotionally. It is natural to feel timid when we’re in a situation like that. Especially if we have a history of experiences that taught us there are situations we don’t handle well (old traumas, abuse, embarrassments that we didn’t resolve).
If you have a buddy, or at least someone watching out for you a bit, your survival brain doesn’t feel quite so alone. When that part of your brain is more relaxed, there are less adrenaline, cortisol, and other stress-induced hormones. This allows your cognitive brain to function better, and for you to feel calmer and more connected.
This works great if you have a partner or a buddy that lives near you and is interested in the same activities. Driving there together, walking in together, and knowing you have someone who has your back is wonderful.
If you don’t, just noticing the lack can feel overwhelming and can cause your survival brain to feel anxious and scared.
Take a gentle deep breath, and remind your brain that you are doing the social interactions so you can find more buddies and/or potential partners to do things with. You are being courageous and creating the connections you want!
Even if you don’t have someone to attend with you, there are ways you can feel more supported. They do help!
1) Ask a friend or family member - even if they aren’t local or not interested in what you’re going to - to be your remote wing-person.
A call just before you go in, a text to let them know if you are feeling safe, a call afterwards to decompress… these simple gestures can make a lot of difference, and help your survival brain relax.
Just like when I’m dating someone new, I often give the contact info to a friend and will send a text 15-20 minutes into the date to let my friend know things are ok. Much calmer survival brain!
2) Ask the person hosting for support/information.
Reach out by email or phone and let the person hosting know you feel nervous… that you haven’t been around people a lot. You might ask if leaving early - if that’s right for you- will disrupt the event for others.
I host Cuddle Parties and I love when people let me know they’re anxious. I can watch out for them, check in with them, and introduce them to a safe person or two so they feel supported.
If you feel too ashamed of your anxiety to share about it, you can also check in about leaving early due to a possible work or family issue. And offering to help with setup and cleanup calms me a lot. When I feel useful, I relax.
3) Get a coach or therapist to help you out.
Having someone who will listen, encourage and offer suggestions can make a big difference. Knowing you are not alone, that you have someone paying attention, can make all the difference.
And working through the fears can make this lots easier! We’ll dive into new tips and suggestions and do EFT Tapping during our workshop.
We’ve all had a pretty rough year. And many of us are emerging and connecting with people again, or at least contemplating connecting again. If social anxiety is making this challenging for you, we hope you’ll join us!
Cathy & Rick