I am NOT you… and I am WITH you…
How do we both keep our own balance and feel connected in a helpful way when someone else is sad or unhappy?
I have to admit that the energy around being “detached” has never been my answer to that.
I’ve received bodywork from someone detached. It didn’t feel good.
I’ve been listened to by someone who felt professionally detached from my experience… and it didn’t feel good.
But… I’ve also received bodywork from someone who over-identified with my pain and felt they needed to “make me feel all better” in order to feel good about themselves. That felt worse!
And… I’ve been listened to by someone who so over-identified with what was going on for me that their triggers all lit up! You can imagine what that felt like.
We’re exploring together, I feel, what it might be like to be an emotional resource and also keep our balance. How might we feel a connection while not getting embroiled or enmeshed or needing the other to feel okay again before we allow ourselves to feel okay?
My offering to you today, and one we’re going to engage with more in the workshop on Sunday is this:
1) I am NOT you…
It is not helpful and perhaps not even sanitary for us to assume that any other person’s feelings need to be inside us, too. What brought a person to a place where they are feeling unhappy or sad is their journey. Even though our empathetic nervous system and energy body is picking up on their state of being, this is NOT a call for us to sing the same song.
2) …and I am WITH you.
With you. How does that feel to you? If you’re sad and unhappy, and someone is offering their WITHness, is that strengthening for you?
I believe that Presence allows someone who needs to grieve to grieve in a healthier way – even if the presence isn’t right by their side. Presence can be felt across space and time. Presence also feels potent when we’re holding or being close heart-to-heart.
Presence WITH is a way we’re offering to help them regulate. It’s a signal to their primitive brain that they are held and accepted right where they are.
This frame of reference allows us to be resourceful in ways that are a YES for us. I am NOT you… and I am WITH you.
(Before we get to the invitation to the workshop, I want to be clear: this is optional. Emotionally free beings get to choose whether we are WITH another person. Yes, there are roles we choose like parent where presence is so core to the child’s well-being that choosing NOT to be with them is impactful. I still believe being clear that it is a choice helps us be a more balanced and generous resource than if we ever feel like we HAVE TO.)
Is this feeling like a useful approach for you to embody with those you care about who can get sad and unhappy?
If so, Cathy and I would love for you to be WITH us for this Real Skills Workshop on Aug 15th at 4pm EDT. (Yes, we know some of you will be busy being WITH others or even sleeping, so you’ll also get the recording.)
If you CAN support the workshop with a payment of $7.11 or more — your financial support matters so much and is essential towards to continuation of these potent sessions. Thank you!
If you can’t, well… by all means join us for free, as our honored guest. We know better boundaries helps us all!
See the replay below
P.S. Adira says, “Your PRESENCE WITH me is such a gift, no matter my mood. And I am WITH you on this planet, in this Life… NOW.”
